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SleepingLightly

Dating question...

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SleepingLightly

Have only been seeing each other for a week or so and have had some very nice times chatting and walking and spending time together.

She is frightened...

Frightened that her distant past doesn't bother me. (Was a big problem in her last relationship.)

Frightened I will run off and leave her because of her past.

Frightened I will hurt or yell at her.

Frightened that I told her the relationship is 50/50, her's and mine. WE make choices regarding us.

She was abused by several people in her past. I promised her the abuse ends here & if anyone of those people tried to continue, they would need to speak to me.

Only "red flag" material I have noticed was when she told me that she "needed me". Not a big deal, really.

Anyways... Question, RFC, whatever. To help calm her fears I plan to just be stable, strong, drama - free, and relaxed... Just the way I normally enjoy being. :nature-smiley-008:

Sound reasonable?

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Fury

Sounds perfect, SL.

If she's been abused in the past, then she knows how very LITTLE words mean. So your continued, stable, consistent actions are what will ease her fears I'm certain.

Good luck!

Fury

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Lorelei

I'm sorry, I'm thinking "too much baggage." If this woman isn't in therapy and making an effort to get past her past, then you should NOT put yourself in the position of trying to "rescue" her. Stay a friend, but don't get involved.

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Becky

I'm sorry, I'm thinking "too much baggage." If this woman isn't in therapy and making an effort to get past her past, then you should NOT put yourself in the position of trying to "rescue" her. Stay a friend, but don't get involved.

I was thinking somewhat the same thing. My opinion is to just be yourself. If most of your relationship seems to revolve around her fears and insecurities, and you find that you're in the role of therapist, or trying to prove over and over you're not abusive, that wouldn't be healthy. Maybe relax, have fun, and take it slow???

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SleepingLightly

Thanks for all your thoughts. There are some very good things happening on that whole working on the past. Her last BF would just continually bring it up. That relationship ended very strangely. Nneedless to say she lost everything and has recovered greatly in the last few years... Has a house and a business.

Strong, independent, professional.

We were just sort-of airing our baggage - fears and thoughts, that's all. A good friend told me, "We all have baggage, admit it, enjoy each other and move forward."

Just taking it easy and slow..... :-)

-SL

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seeker

We were just sort-of airing our baggage - fears and thoughts, that's all. A good friend told me, "We all have baggage, admit it, enjoy each other and move forward."

Sometimes baring the vulnerabilities is a part of getting to know one another. It's what you do with the information - and what they do with your information/vulnerabilities.

I guess the setting up of the new relationship dynamic is interesting - if someone presents themselves as a 'victim' with many fears/insecurities and then sets it like you are the rescuer, it could be like a flag of sorts.

Why was she frightened when you said the relationship is 50/50? ie you both make choices with regards to you both?

Good luck SL!

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SleepingLightly

I guess the setting up of the new relationship dynamic is interesting - if someone presents themselves as a 'victim' with many fears/insecurities and then sets it like you are the rescuer, it could be like a flag of sorts.

Why was she frightened when you said the relationship is 50/50? ie you both make choices with regards to you both?

Good luck SL!

Thanks Seeker.

She seems to be of the mind set that one should take a drink from the fire hose first. She definitely does not have a 'victim' mindset; have been hyper vigilant watching for that. She isn't looking for a rescuer; been watching for that as well. She is adamant that she wants something long term; not a short term thing - and that is OK with me - I am just a little pensive on that - maybe due to my own baggage - so trying to evaluate it on an objective level. That ain't easy.

And... the way her previous relationship ended - like nothing, and I mean NOTHING I have ever heard of before, just completely throws some of my compasses into a spin.

She says she is frightened about the 50/50 thing because all her previous relationships were skewed heavily in the man's favor. She has never been with anyone who wants a 50/50 relationship. Example: We are going to a biker get together in a few weeks. She asked me what she should wear. I said, whatever she wants. Well, she wanted guidelines. I reiterated, anything she wanted to; it's a biker fund raiser for a local charity; they would accept her if she were wearing a business suit or pajamas.

She laughed. Maybe she is new to biker culture; not that I am directly involved in it but do understand it? She says she is new to the 50/50.

Having fun and taking it slow.

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SleepingLightly

Addendum...

Have known her for about a month now & had about 6 dates. The only 'rescuing' I have done was to help her with a car problem. :-D

Would really like some of you ladies to meet her, if that could ever work out. You all have a good sense of things. My friends that have met her like her. My daughter, who has a keen sense of things, likes her.

The "L" word has come up, but more within the context of "I love being with you," so I think that is OK at this stage.

--OK, I am off. Thanks for all your feedback!

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Tallulah

And... the way her previous relationship ended - like nothing, and I mean NOTHING I have ever heard of before, just completely throws some of my compasses into a spin.

Oh, now THIS I gotta hear. With this information I'll be able to give you an accurate gauge of where you're heading.

And I really think you need to know where you're heading with this gal. Seriously.

Tallulah

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moongoddess

Have known her for about a month now & had about 6 dates. The only 'rescuing' I have done was to help her with a car problem. :-D

Would really like some of you ladies to meet her, if that could ever work out. You all have a good sense of things. My friends that have met her like her. My daughter, who has a keen sense of things, likes her.

The "L" word has come up, but more within the context of "I love being with you," so I think that is OK at this stage.

--OK, I am off. Thanks for all your feedback!

just be aware sweetie.......the word's in bold may be a hook, not sure because I don't know the context....

*BIG HUGS*

MG :wub:

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rainbow

6 dates and she is talking about her deepest fears? WTF? That's strange. Usually you have fun with the person 1st, then if it continued perhaps you reveal a bit. You don't throw your whole self into dating....esp...after a few dates. Sounds like she needs help and does not love herself enough to even start dating. Just my opinion, you would be able to gauge this better because your there with her.

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AbbyNormal

SL,

From a woman who has frequently worried about 'what to wear', might I suggest you show her some photos of other events like the one you're going to (if there are any). They might accept me no matter what I were weqaring, but I know I'd feel better if I 'fit in'.

As far as the other stuff, good luck. If you b oth know that you have a 'past' and are willing to watch for the really nasty habit I and some people I know have of somehow re-creating what we expect, go for it! Sounds like there are folks you trust who have voted a 'yes'. Go slowly and have all kinds of fun on the ride!!!

Very happy that you are happy.

Abby

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Babydoll

I was thinking somewhat the same thing. My opinion is to just be yourself. If most of your relationship seems to revolve around her fears and insecurities, and you find that you're in the role of therapist, or trying to prove over and over you're not abusive, that wouldn't be healthy. Maybe relax, have fun, and take it slow???

I also agree... I feel she may need to become an independant and confident woman on her own first. This will enable her to make judgements on her own without having to beg for kindness from anybody. I know myself that when I first had that strong bad gut feeling I had in the early days, the feeling I chose to ignore (mostly based on my naivety and my lack of experience) I sure wont do that again! I wish to be that strong confident woman so that when I meet a man, I'll know he is right and not beg him for kindness, I will tell him how it is through my confidence and security...this is what I want for myself and wish the same for other women. He tried to break me but boy did he fail...he tried a lot of things what a pathetic "man" he was. I refuse to mix with anyone like that again! I don't need a "bad boy" to protect me, I don't need any man to "protect" me anymore, I am slowly gaining my confidence back after a yr of emancipation.

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