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nooblette

Your General/Initial Reactions?

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nooblette

So a lot of the topics thus far (I'm 62 pages in) I think she hits dead on, and then some of her other stuff I think she gives some generic-generally accepted fallacy as an explanation and I don't like it so much, or maybe I'm just expecting everything to "fit" me? Like she says that repressed anger-people will eventually explode? I don't think that was true for me, I didn't explode before, I didn't allow myself to FEEL anger!!! It wasn't repressed, it was GONE! And even now I rarely FEEL angry at people who treat me badly. I didn't have the ability to be angry. I still don't much of the time, but I'm working on it now!

I also didn't think that I was attracted to "Bad Boys" because I wanted to be like them or do what they were doing but wouldn't let myself. I think I was attracted to E because I thought he would "change" for me-like they always do in the movies? A Walk to Remember anyone??? And I really believed he did back then-until I got older and found out rebellious-self-centered-uncaring attitudes can be re-manifested in different ways.....

I didn't expect it to be such an easy read, and maybe I was expecting some deeper explanation for my "syndrome" but then again I'm only 62 pages in and I like what she's saying so I'll keep at it and see what else she has to offer me! I need more courage, and she's already touched on that some! So I'm glad I'm reading it!

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Aurora

I think if you keep reading you will find more inspiration. I am past 130 pages and I'm in awe of this book!

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christinadarling987

What are you reading nube?

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Oceanblue

I got the book on Wednesday, so I haven't gotten past the first chapter.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings on what I have read so far, but I'm going to keep on reading. There is something about it that I bristle against, and I don't believe it's simply because it's the truth. I feel like it's labeling being nice as bad, and that not being nice is something we all should do. I am a nice person--and I have been for a long time. It's part of who I am, what is so wrong with that? I understand not being a doormat, about learning to be assertive and stand up for yourself...

Errr....lol...I don't know.

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nooblette

I got the book on Wednesday, so I haven't gotten past the first chapter.

Honestly, I have mixed feelings on what I have read so far, but I'm going to keep on reading. There is something about it that I bristle against, and I don't believe it's simply because it's the truth. I feel like it's labeling being nice as bad, and that not being nice is something we all should do. I am a nice person--and I have been for a long time. It's part of who I am, what is so wrong with that? I understand not being a doormat, about learning to be assertive and stand up for yourself...

Errr....lol...I don't know.

I think I know what you mean here, and its not that being nice is bad, but being TOO nice is bad. However the terminology is simplified. I think this is kind of what I felt when she was giving reasons for being attracted to bad boys and I saw that it didn't really fit my motives at all, and I felt she was pointing out something that was suppose to be the truth but I know for a fact it isn't in my case. So I think it might be because the book is simply written, and its offering some kind of simple and not always accurate explanation for a complex case.

What I've decided at this point is that EVERY scenario in the book cannot apply to me and my own case, but MUCH of it does. Kinda like when I read here, take what fits and applies and leave the rest, perhaps it applies to someone else! And its meant to be an easy read aimed at a large audience, so I can't fault it too much ^_^

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free2bme

I'm just starting to read it now. So far I find it interesting. I am wondering if it will help me to understand more, what the difference is between me and Lis. What I mean is, we had the same abusive father, but we are very different. I consider myself to be a nice person, but I've always put myself first, in general because I somehow knew that if I didn't, no one else would. Lis on the other hand, has put herself last. I'm hoping to get more clarity on this sort of thing.

Anyone have any thoughts on this angle? :)

I hope to hear and discuss this and other books. I like this idea very much. :D

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Aurora

Linny,

I see your point about the different takes siblings can have from growing up in abusive households. I too as I've been reading this book have seen aspects of my sister and how she turned out how she did. I agree though it's very odd how people grow up together but end up worlds apart on the spectrum.

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blackbird

Honestly, I have mixed feelings on what I have read so far, but I'm going to keep on reading. There is something about it that I bristle against, and I don't believe it's simply because it's the truth.

I had the same reaction when I first started reading it a few months ago, too. There was something about her writing style that made me feel a little bit like I was being talked down to. And I hated how she kept giving information in dribs and drabs...and then saying, "In the next chapter, I'll share how you can overcome your inner Nice Girl and learn to kick a little @s$." It irritated me that she kept previewing things. What is this? Entertainment Tonight?

I do see that some of the content resonates and I hope that working through the book with all of you will help keep me motivated.

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FreyjaKatt

I heard a goof explanation once from Oprah. She was talking about when she was younger.

She said that she always wanted to be nice. She thought and was taught that was the thing to do, but as she got older, she realized that what she SHOULD be was kind, and not nice. Sometimes the kind thing, is not what people want, but it is the right thing.

Read the book and take what works for you. I don't necessarily want to kick arse and take names, but it really helped me identify some of my flawed thinking.

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nooblette

I heard a goof explanation once from Oprah. She was talking about when she was younger.

She said that she always wanted to be nice. She thought and was taught that was the thing to do, but as she got older, she realized that what she SHOULD be was kind, and not nice. Sometimes the kind thing, is not what people want, but it is the right thing.

Read the book and take what works for you. I don't necessarily want to kick arse and take names, but it really helped me identify some of my flawed thinking.

I like that definition! And it really nails it for me in a lot of respects too! You can still be a kind and empathetic person but you don't have to be a nice-doormat person.

Sometimes I'm worried I'm trying to turn myself into a narc by trying to prioritize my own needs, but I think this explanation helps me get a better perspective on what I'm trying to become.

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bix

Well the biggie for me in this book is the being "fair". goddammit!! that is me all over!! Too ferkin reasonable. which is OK but I love that she poses the question - but am I being fair to others at the expense of being FAIR TO MYSELF???? Hmmm. Food for thought indeed. This has stuck with me ever since I first read it.

How it has affected me in practice is that a couple of weeks ago stbx was doing one of his rants and I as usual went into the mode of "I must be FAIR and give him a FAIR hearing because amongst all the drivel he talks I need to be alert to any actual SENSE he may come out with so that I can respond to THOSE little nuggets with reasonableness and FAIRNESS (which to be FAIR (haha!) to him he DOES sometimes 'make sense' and he can sometimes be reasonable).

Then I thought to myself sheesh - this is such hard work trying to glean any possible 'reasonable points' he is making amongst the majority of gameplaying tactics, insults and abuse. Yet to 'write off'' his WHOLE dialogue as 'nonsense' and/or abusive would be UNFAIR to him right? . Then the book popped into my head and I thought : Is it FAIR TO ME that I have to sit and listen to 90% garbage,insults, lies,gameplaying, abuse etc in order to sift out the reasonable stuff.???

NO I decided . It is NOT FAIR to ME. He should start making sense and stop talking 90% drivel - THEN I'll give him my full attention....and that's when I just compeletly TUNED HIM OUT....I TUNED IT ALL OUT (knowing that I was being potentially UNFAIR to some reasonable point he might be making in the midst of the garbage) ....But I was being FAIR to ME!!!!!

Does anyone agree with how I'm looking at this?

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FreyjaKatt

YES!

When Xsnot speaks to me I will listen UNTIL he starts b-wording, then I am done and walk away. i have zero tolerance now. I am repulsed like he is giving off a bad smell.

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Joyful

Does anyone agree with how I'm looking at this?

Absolutely yes. I used to do the same thing with BH when he was deep into this behavior. He'd rant for hours and I'd try to be "fair" and hear him out. Of course it never, ever was my turn to speak and he'd actually tune me out after a few sentences. So not only was I not being fair to myself but HE was most definitely NOT fair with me. Finally, I not only started tuning him out but actively telling him I WOULD NOT listen to his lectures. He did finally stop that behavior.

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blackbird

I heard a goof explanation once from Oprah. She was talking about when she was younger.

She said that she always wanted to be nice. She thought and was taught that was the thing to do, but as she got older, she realized that what she SHOULD be was kind, and not nice. Sometimes the kind thing, is not what people want, but it is the right thing.

Ooooh, I love that. Thanks, FreyjaKatt.

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kc218

Hi all,

I just ordered this book and can't wait to read it. It seems like just what I need right now. :) Actually, I think I've needed it for a long time

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Alexie

Just started reading this book and so far I like it. I never considered myself a Nice Girl; I've done my share of douchey things. I've been a downright lady dog. But when it comes to relationships, I'm a real pushover. I seem to let go my boundaries, suppress anger, keep my mouth shut. :(

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Bennu

In my opinion, I wasn't this way, but Eeyore spent years and years trying to make me this way, including gaslighting and rewriting of past events.

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Appletree

I agree with a lot if the above comments. I read it a couple of months ago and am about to re-read it. I also did not recognise myself in a lot of it, but did get snippets of insight. Generally if I get one good idea from a book it's worth it for me. Some books are amazingly accurate and others less so. This one less. And Nooblette I don't think focusing on your own needs makes you narc. The difference is whether you still consider others and choose to focus on your own need based on the circumstances, or whether you only do what is best for you whatever the circumstances.

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Bennu

I don't think focusing on your own needs makes you narc. The difference is whether you still consider others and choose to focus on your own need based on the circumstances, or whether you only do what is best for you whatever the circumstances.

Great point, Appletree. After having our own behavior turned on us with years of gaslighting, we need to hear this.

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CareBear

Hi everyone,

I'm new to Our Place. I just started reading this book and am looking forward to gaining some insight from it. Glad to be in a place where people can understand what I'm going through.

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Appletree

Welcome CareBear and yes, we understand. You will find a lot of support here and hopefully insight and support together will help you make the decisions you want to make - whatever they may be.

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