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I feel so stupid..

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I feel very stupid. I never thought *I* would be a "battered wife" or "abused wife" or "victim" or any of those labels. I considered myself too confident, too smart to ever let someone treat me that way. But here I am..

To give a bit of background: I was a single mother with one daughter when I met him. I liked my life, I liked who I was, and I had no real desire to change that. I wasn't interested in marriage, though I was open to a relationship.

He was the first guy I had met who seemed to share my values, my faith. I had dated lots, but he was the first one who seemed to truly understand, who I could discuss that part of my life with. He and I seemed to have lots of stuff in common, and shared values otherwise too, like family being a priority. He drank very little (occasionally with a meal) and didn't smoke, which was very nice..

About 4 months into dating, I took him home to meet my parents. First guy I had done that with since my daughter's father (who btw is a nice guy and all, just not interested in me or I in him -- great dad tho! and we make it work). And about a month after that, he took it upon himself to discipline my daughter -- and left a bruise.

I kicked him to the curb. Completely non contact. Found out about his previous conviction for domestic assault -- he had put a previous girlfriend in the hospital.

Funny thing happened -- he got a job with a landscaping company that had him working in my complex, basically at my front door every day. So I saw him every day, even though I refused to talk to him, or even have eye contact with him. Then I came down with a really really bad case of the flu, and was close to passing out -- and I called him. Stupid I know, but I still had feelings, and thought he was at least an adult that would be in the house should I pass out, so my daughter wouldn't be alone. I know, thinking about it now makes me cringe.

So we started talking. About a month after that, he invited me "just as friends" to be his date for a wedding. And I went. And one thing led to another, and we started dating again.

And the next incident happened. We were driving to a restaurant and started having an argument.. about what I don't even remember. We pulled into a parking lot and he was yelling at me in the car. I got out, and he got out and kept yelling. I started to walk away and he grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. That scared me and I freaked. I yelled, got loose and ran .. went into the nearest bar and asked to use a phone. I saw him looking for me out the window and I hid, and called a friend to come get me.

You'd think I'd have learned then.

But no, we started talking and then dating again. And within 3 months of that we were living together. He proposed about 3 months later, a little over a year after we had met. Things seemed to be going ok.

Two weeks after we were engaged, I found out I was pregnant. He was ecstatic. But he didn't want to tell anyone..I convinced him we had to, and we announced it to our parents at the same time we mailed our wedding invitations.. I was about 3 months along then.

We were married when I was 6 months pregnant with our daughter. Shortly after the honeymoon we moved into a tiny apartment outside of town. And welcomed our daughter into our family. He was working a split shift and trying to sleep in between. He would yell at me for not keeping the kids quiet while he was trying to sleep. He would yell and slam doors if things weren't perfectly clean, if his meals weren't on time..you get the idea. We fought a lot. I had a friend come stay to help with the baby, and she kept asking me if I was ok, if I felt ok..

He kept threatening to leave, and I would back down. I couldn't drive, and he had our only vehicle anyway, so I needed him to get anywhere, even to get groceries. As Christmas approached things were getting worse. And then he snapped, and grabbed me by the wrists, so he could yell at me some more. Again, he wouldn't let go, till I started yelling back.. since he knew my friend was there (2nd visit) he let me go and left, slamming the door hard enough a picture fell off the wall, the baby woke up and my daughter was scared. My friend begged me to call for help, but I said no, I was ok.

He came back, and things were really tense. I was sure he was going to leave before Christmas. I kept having dreams that he would be killed in a car accident, or work accident or something. And feeling guilty about feeling relieved in those dreams.

Oddly enough, we did have a car accident. No one was hurt, but it was enough to write off our van. We had the kids with us and everything. And then 4 days later, New Year's Eve, he was in another car accident, which gave him concussion and put him in the hospital for a day. I began to realize then just how isolated I was.

Because of the car accidents and no transportation, he nearly lost his job. He decided he wasn't being treated right, so he gave his notice, and said we were moving 8 hrs away, near where I grew up. I reluctantly agreed, hoping that being closer to my family would help me not be so isolated.

We lived with my parents for 2 months, while he looked for work, and we looked for a place to live, and things were ok -- not great, but ok.

We moved into our apartment that spring, and 6 weeks later, I found out I was pregnant again. My daughter was 5 at the time, and our daughter was 11 months old. He seemed really excited about it. And then he was laid off. And we started fighting again, constantly.

When he was home, I tried my best to keep my kids out of his way, to leave him alone. He played a lot of video games, ignoring us mostly, or yelling at me if something was bothering him. He finally did get a job again, but it didn't help things between us. I would dread when he was coming home. I would gauge his mood, and that would determine whether or not the kids went to bed early or not. I did my best to protect them from his mood swings and his yelling and stamping feet and slamming doors, though I'm sure they heard a lot.

Coming close to Christmas last year here..

About the first week of December, when I was about 7 months along with our 2nd daughter (my 3rd daughter), he got an infection in his knee, and had to go to emerg. He was put on antibiotics, through an iv pump, and a few days bedrest. One night, he was sleeping, and I was looking at the box the medication and equipment came in, and came across his medical records. And noticed something strange.

He told the doctor he smoked -- at work, but not at home. I didn't know.

Honestly, I think I felt as betrayed had I found out he had another woman. He had been lying to me -- for how long? A week? A month? Our whole marriage?

I confronted him on it a few days later, picking my time for when he was calm. He said he had been smoking for three months, and hiding it deliberately. He said he was sorry, and he would stop immediately.

He didn't. (Of course not! Why would he!?)

Christmas was tense, obviously. I stopped being intimate with him, because I couldn't get over his lies.

My daughter went to see her dad for a week, about 3 weeks before I was due, about a month later. When we picked her up, he seemed to get all tense again, though we'd had a good day together. We did some shopping, and he wouldn't stop criticizing her and me. I hurried through and got what I needed, and we got home. I put the kids to bed as quickly as I could, so he would stop criticizing her, who was now 6.

We talked that night, about her, and discipling her. And I kept objecting to his comments, and then it happened. He blew up. He screamed in rage at me. I left the room, and unlike other times, when I would lock myself in the bathroom or go into our bedroom, I went into the girls' room. And locked the door.

He came looking for me. And when he couldn't find me and realized where I was, he screamed at me through the door. He kicked or punched it open, and grabbed me by the wrists. Remember, I'm 8 and a half months pregnant here. He pushed me down a hallway, and trapped me in a corner, shaking me and yelling in my face. Our toddler was screaming in her crib, my daughter was screaming for him to stop behind him, and I was begging him not to hurt me to let me go, and trying to tell my daughter to go back in her room and hide. He finally let me go, roared at my daughter to get back in her room, and went to get our toddler. I ran for the phone and called 911.

When he came out, he had both kids with him, and he started demanding to know who I was on the phone with. When he realized I had called police, he started yelling at me to hang up. I wouldn't, and kept asking him for my kids. He finally let my daughter come to me, and she ran, and clung to me shaking. My toddler was still crying and reaching for me. The 911 operator offered to talk to him if he would give me our toddler, and he agreed, taking the phone and giving me my baby back. I took the kids, and ran into the girls bedroom, and closed the door, and pulled furniture in front of it. Then I sat there and tried my best to calm down and calm my kids.

The police got there, and talked to him. One officer came to the bedroom door and knocked and said it was ok, we could come out now. So we did, and he went with us to the other bedroom, and stayed there, talking to me for a bit. They arrested him, and removed him from our apartment. And came back about an hour later for my statement. It was surreal. I had called that friend that had stayed with us before, and she was there, helping me.

He spent a week in jail before being sentenced. He didn't go to trial, just pled guilty. He was given a suspended sentence and a year's probation, as well as a no contact order between us, unless I write otherwise. He was also told to attend a counselling program.

In the following months, it was so strange. I had my daughter about a month after all this, and he was there for her birth. But child protection services wouldn't let him have contact with the other kids right away. We had to have supervised visitations for a while, and he's still limited in his visitations, 8 months later.

I had agreed initially to consider reconciliation, with conditions of counselling and time. I also asked for a separation agreement giving me custody, and detailing his support payments.

About 6 months into this, I went on a vacation. He and I still had joint accounts and in one account we had $1200 in savings. I had planned to use some pf that for kids clothes. But.. when I went to use the account it said insufficient funds!!

So I checked the transactions. It was all gone, taken over a period of 5 weeks, spent on dinner out and about $600 on a cell phone.

I confronted him, and he confessed.. to seeing another woman, or rather women, and to using a phone sex line.

That was the last straw for me. Strange.. I put up with 3 years of abusive behaviour, but him seeing another woman while we're separated i can't deal? Anyways, I told him I didn't want to see him again, and I was leaving, and I was going to file for divorce.

6 weeks later, I packed up my kids and moved back to the city where we met. That was about 6 weeks ago. He has visited twice. He has continued to pay on time.

He is now asking for another chance. He says he isn't drinking anymore, smoking anymore or seeing anyone else, and that he has asked friends and his pastor to keep him accountable. He says he's willing to wait as long as it takes. He even says he is ok with me divorcing him, if I feel I need to, to get over this.

I'm so not interested.

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He is now asking for another chance. He says he isn't drinking anymore, smoking anymore or seeing anyone else, and that he has asked friends and his pastor to keep him accountable. He says he's willing to wait as long as it takes. He even says he is ok with me divorcing him, if I feel I need to, to get over this.

I'm so not interested.

:welcome to: XeraRose

I am sure the drinking did not help anything, and that the smoking and going after other women were not part of the deal you thought you had, but the big issue I see is that he has an abuser's mindset and that unfortunately is something that rarely can be changed.

If he were to change he needs to change for himself rather than for you. If he were to change he has to be responsible for his own behaviour and choices and accountable to himself. Expecting others to monitor him will not work.

I think you not being interested is the best place for you to be. I would almost guarantee that although he probably does mean what he says he will revert to abusive behaviours if you ever return to him. He may behave for a few hours, he may even behave well for weeks or months but the day will come where he finds a reason to let loose again.

Many of these abusive types do target strong women. They often target people who have the qualities they lack. I do not think there is a person who is 100% abuse proof although good self esteem and a solid understanding of abuse can help. Abusers tend to be excellent con men. They can present well. They know how to hook a potential partner. They know how to at least appear to have a lot in common.

Please join us in the Main forum.

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((((((((((((XeraRose)))))))))))))) How absolutely horrific, what he did to you and your girls! My x did something similar, although it was after we (I have 2 girls) had moved out. The trauma has been quite longlived. I'm glad you're away from him; he is a truly a monster! Glad to hear he has limited visitations with the children.

And welcome to OurPlace!


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He is now asking for another chance. He says he isn't drinking anymore, smoking anymore or seeing anyone else, and that he has asked friends and his pastor to keep him accountable. He says he's willing to wait as long as it takes. He even says he is ok with me divorcing him, if I feel I need to, to get over this.

awww sweetie this is such a classic 'hoover maneuver' :hoover:

a leopard doesn't change it's spots, and an abuser doesn't change, UNLESS he attends very specific therapy designed for abusers and IT TAKES A LONG TIME and as some members here can tell you, even IF HE STARTED therapy and started to make changes, YOU will still have to MICROMANAGE his behaviour (from what i have read of those who's abusers have started to change)........

please be safe.........


MG :nature-smiley-008:

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I'm so very glad you and your girls are away from this monster, you poor darling, you've been through hell. :hug:

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Welcome, so glad you are out, stay strong! Keep reading and posting here, it will help you detach and recognize the games they play to try and get back together.

Keep those kiddos safe!

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