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Stormy

7 Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships (LONG)

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I have briefly skimmed over this article, it seems as though most things are how i feel :(

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Chris77

You know, when I first read this, I felt a bit disturbed - I thought, oh no, not another blame-the-victim, "why did she stay" condescending nonsense. But I have to admit he is spot on. This thread, and the one about the bad boys, really opened my eyes to a new level about my internal wiring that would set me up to be a prey looking for a predator. But still, I wonder if some people felt like there could have been other reasons. One of the comments on that article really resonated with me, and that is the analogy with the slaves of the 1800's in the US. Could they simply just leave? Not when there were cultural, community, societal and familial pressures that would have made it very unlikely that anyone would have thought leaving was an option.

I'm not making excuses, but really, the seven reasons didn't quite cover it. I tried to explain it in my comment on that site. I have pasted it below. Hope it makes sense.

While I love the seven reasons given here, my reason was almost like that of a slave in the early 1800's. None of my support systems endorsed leaving a marriage - in fact, it never even crossed my mind that I could leave. Of course my own ex made it clear that I couldn't - it scared me to disagree even in small matters, I didn't know how I could even tell him I wanted out of a marriage without suffering severe repercussions. But he didn't have to be physical, his psychological hold on me was so strong that I found it hard to even have my own opinion or believe that my opinion could be right. When I finally felt that it was the right and rational thing to do, several people of authority told me I couldn't and shouldn't, which put me right back where I was. It took a womens worker who said, "What's stopping you from just walking out?" that I realised I was a free agent. It didn't matter what anyone said, and even if I was doing the morally and ethically wrong thing, who's to stop me? Sociopaths don't care if they do the wrong thing, and they get away with it. So who could stop me if I decided to do what I wanted to do?

So while all seven reasons were applicable, there was an eighth one that ultimately stopped me - I didn't know that a person could legitimately leave a marriage.

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fatkat

"And when your personal life has for too long gone too awry, you finally reach the point where you realize that you have to start reassessing knowledge that’s as core to who you are as your skin and your teeth.

That’s when it’s time to start that process by which, ultimately, you decide that it’s more important that you stand up straight and let your parents fall off your back than it is for you to continue your life hunched over from the weight of carrying them."

It was when I was getting my ex off my back that I started thinking critically about what my mother had taught me about myself (my father was easy - at least being a violent psycho is unambiguous).

I just went back and re-read this article. Lots of good stuff, especially about reclaiming the little girl I used to be. She's coming back, slowly. There's hope for us all.

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bix

*bumped for grimalkin*

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Sylvia

bump again. :)

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Sylvia

BUMPITY BUMPITY BUMP

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bix

BUMPITY BUMPITY BUMP

Thanks sylvia - this is one of my all time favorite threads.

In fact I was thinking the other day when I was feeling sorry for myself and panicking about my current situation (mainly financial and the stress of the EX's harassment) about the part where it says that if you leave you can give courage to someone else. A divorced friend of mine said that sometimes in a circle of couples one will get divorced and then before you know it - it seems to spread like a virus and suddenly everyone seems to be splitting up. This cheered me up during a down moment to think if just one person who's unhappy can say well Bix seems to be coping - maybe I can too.

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Chris77

What a coincidence - I was just reading this last night. I saw whole chunks I missed out the first time, and it brought tears to my eyes. Esp the part about going back to re-claim the child that was dismissed.

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