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needHim

Separated from abuser and doing well...next step?

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needHim

I am separated from my 2nd husband of almost 12 years; 9 yr old son who is with me. I have little contact with H and we only communicate now about son. Period. He has had two BIG and BAD bouts of abuse since I moved out in November...(verbal, emotional and spiritual abuse) one in May and this last one in August where he refused to take any counsel or suggestion at all from a beloved and very wise Pastor (where son and I go to church; H knows him; I thought that Pastor was one whom he MIGHT talk with...wrong...he will talk with no one; he will take counsel from NO ONE yet he emailed me after our meeting with Pastor and asked me what BIG problem that we have in our marriage...I am not responding)

I realize that he has NOT heard me and will probably not even try; it is just a way to engage me in verbal battle...I am DONE. I am emotionally free and totally unengaged in any way. No feelings of loss (only of the freedom from NOT being abused) or feel any need to explain or "straighten him out"...I can not change his attitude; his thinking is abusive and his actions follow. He emailed me on Thursday and I have not responded to it. (he is a poison pen sort of guy)

Son and I are doing very well. I am working fulltime and take care of all of our bills and still covering husband on my medical plan. Need to work on the "next step" as he is just cycling the abuse and I am NOT getting on that rollercoaster again. When he refused any counsel, I felt vindicated and released. He has TOO many issues and though I stayed with him and tried to help him through them TO MY OWN HURT, I finally left in Nov when I was able (we had my parents with us; Dad left in June 2008 and Mom left in Sept 2009) He has his daughter from his first marriage; age 19 and the whole house is dysfunctional!!!!

I guess I am looking toward filing legal separation; making him pay child support and his own medical and having one closer step to divorce. I feel that I am "beyond abuse" and I want to stay here...

Thanking God for all His blessings and for protecting and providing for my son and I since my husband has failed to do so. I feel loved and cared for; much more than when I was with him. Being dependent upon an abuser for life and happiness is like being dependent upon a snake to NOT bite you...we all need to get "beyond abuse" and accept ourselves AND our abusers and live our lives the way that God has allowed us...in FREEDOM!!!!

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Zoeygirl

Welcome, needHim, glad you found us! Your story is very similar to mine. I am curious, though--why are you filing for legal separation instead of divorce?

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Vicky

Hi Need,

You sound like your doing well and have a clear head and path to move towards. I also was in a situation in the church and meeting with pastors, my abuser was spiritually abusive also along with every other form you can imagine, just I didnt have heavy physical abuse, a lot of financial, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I had filed a legal separation because I thought it was wrong for Christians to divorce and had many pastors urging otherwise, but I finally reached a point of PEACE knowing I didnt have to keep trying anymore. I ended up amending mine to a divorce.

I met with him with several pastors, where he spoke, cried, always said he wanted the marriage, you name it, but once we left the pastor he acted the opposite.

I just know the feeling of peace I felt and not walking on eggshells living in the same house as him, it felt so wonderful!

Keep posting we are here to support one another and it sounds like your doing a great job!

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needHim
Welcome, needHim, glad you found us! Your story is very similar to mine. I am curious, though--why are you filing for legal separation instead of divorce?

I guess I am "not quite ready" to hang it all up; separation is a "step" in the right direction...sorry you have been through this too; was your ex (?) combatant when you presented him with divorce papers? I expect mine to blow like Vesuvius and he will act as if "he has no responsibility" and this will ALL be "my fault"...blah blah blah...you know what I mean.

:nature-smiley-001:

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needHim
Hi Need,

You sound like your doing well and have a clear head and path to move towards. I also was in a situation in the church and meeting with pastors, my abuser was spiritually abusive also along with every other form you can imagine, just I didnt have heavy physical abuse, a lot of financial, mental, emotional and spiritual.

I had filed a legal separation because I thought it was wrong for Christians to divorce and had many pastors urging otherwise, but I finally reached a point of PEACE knowing I didnt have to keep trying anymore. I ended up amending mine to a divorce.

I met with him with several pastors, where he spoke, cried, always said he wanted the marriage, you name it, but once we left the pastor he acted the opposite.

I just know the feeling of peace I felt and not walking on eggshells living in the same house as him, it felt so wonderful!

Keep posting we are here to support one another and it sounds like your doing a great job!

Hi Vicky; thank you for your reply...

I am sorry that you have experienced this too; are you saying the Pastors counseled you to "file for divorce" but you filed for legal separation instead? Just wondering.

Mine was SO verbally/spiritually abusive that he would "demand submission" (being christians; he thought he was "entitled" to "my obedience"....etc., he disrespected me so much in our home that after 3 years; I say ENOUGH and took our son and left...more to that story.)

He accused me of adultery (absolutely NO grounds) , called me names and constantly criticized and demeaned me. Put me down for my gifts and "nay sayed" all the time. Wanted me to support HIM and all that he wanted to do but woukld not do it and then accused me of "not supporting him" to accomplish "God's work" for his life...he was SO full of himself!!!! (God's gift to the world. as they say...)

He was also very isolating; hoping to "keep me" from seeing family and friends so I would "have to " spend more time with him...this did NOT work out for him as he hoped. Pulled me out of ministry to show that "he had power over me" to other men in the church. He would NEVER consider my opinion or anyone else's; he alone knew best for everyone and still says that I "should not have left him"....and how wrong I was...honestly, I don't care what he thinks!!!!!!

He acted disrespectful and honestly; like a fool in front of both of our Pastors (in church that we met in which I am "back" at ; totalling about 16 years altogether and one church where I was only one year in minbistry but missed the wondrful teaching SO much PLUS he was the ONLY person that my stbx had not bad mouthed... just before our meeting he said that Pastor had "an infantile understanding of the bible"...PLEEEEEEZE!!!!!! how arrogant and he showed himself to be self-righteous; unloving and pardon me; but also STUPID! Yes, I have peace...thanks so much for your support...

Pastor and his wife do not think that he has really made any profession to be a follower of Christ but he stands "in judgement" of me during all the years of our marriage until I moved out and set up my boundaries; like NOT have him over; NOT speak to him; hang up the phone and not speak with him..now I am on NO CONTACT with him.

I do not feel loved by him; I don't think I feel any love for him in a wifely way...I feel sorry for him...I don't want to be married to this man anymore but I am concerned about having to face his rage (verbal; non-violent but VERY vindictive and would DRAG me through the courts to get our son.)

How did yours work out????? ((((((Zoeygirl and Vicky))))))

:music-smiley-017:

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Vicky

Sorry I typed that out wrong.

I filed for a legal separation at the start, met with pastors, several different ones.

All were telling me not to divorce cause he came in crying and admitting he had done wrong, but then hed be in the parking lot telling me if I didnt get away from him or go to dinner with him, that seeing me just made me him wanna have sex, so I needed to get out of his truck because I refused dinner and wanted to go home. This is the type of stuff.

Mine was jealous and accusing me of cheating, it got really bad, for a year I went thru that, I wasnt cheating nor did I want to, I was honest and open about my faults and struggles and he went to town with that info.

I finally decided to go for a divorce, this was over Sept 11th by the way, and went to a service to pray for the 911 events, and was told by a pastor and people praying for me I wasnt there by chance and thus another new pastor took us on and told me to amend the divorce back to legal separation.

I look back now and shake my head but I really thought I was doing the right thing by God then, I did not know what a phoney, con my ex was.

In the end, I divorced him, took me 3 yrs. He stalked me, accused me of having sex in front of our kids, harrassed me at my job, turned my church home pretty much against me. Fought me over the house, you name it.

About a year after the divorce he stopped going to church, he changed his look.

He now drinks, smokes, is tatted and pierced, bald head, tells racist jokes and dated a girl before with a swashtika carved in her leg. Looks like trailer trash is best description I can give you. His language is filthy (he was a youth pastor when we married by the way)

I also have learned a lot since being apart from him, he was a fake, a fraud, a narcissist, he took on the persona of a christian to "Get me" and once he no longer had me he took on another persona, he has a girlfriend he now lives with.

I was with him for 12 yrs, in church 2-3 times a week, our friends, our activities, you name it. I left out church, but I never left God.

He was also cheating and fooling around which is why he was so jealous, Read up on Projection, its when a person accuses you of doing the very things THEY are doing or thinking of doing and put it onto there partner.

But 3 pastors told me divorce was wrong, I was church hunting often and found a couple who was a pastor and wife team, they did see my then husband and I and the pastor broke out laughing after my ex spoke. Then apologized and said "Im so sorry for laughing, but you remind me of how I was, and do u want to know where it got me? DIVORCE COURT" he and his wife went thru stuff in there past and got to the divorce area and he did turn around.

My ex then refused to meet in person with them and wanted "Phone counseling" the pastor told me he needed to see my husband in person to see his eyes and body language. Which i thought was really cool. They were the first pastors to talk to me positively about seeking a divorce from him and could spot his games. No other pastor had before.

I actually took off and left once for a weekend, ran to a guy friend wanting to get out, that backfired big time and happened years before the divorce. I just got labeled more of the problem as a result of that, but I was reaching my breaking point.

Mine kept me in financial debt and my parents lent me money for bills and I was pregnant mowing lawns.

Not to mention how he treated me sexually is a whole other story too, I didnt realize how much abuse I put up with, some of it took me years to see because he was my first serious relationship and sexual partner, so much sickness became normal to me.

I AM HAPPILY DIVORCED

and am remarried to a man I love. :)

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needHim

WOW; thanks for sharing your story with me hun; your ex is one "piece of work" as they say; I can see how my stbx is a "fake" and he uses projection as well...he thinks that he loves and respects me; maybe appears to be more than what your ex did (yuck) but it is NOT LOVE and it is abuse!!!! You are so right...I know that we want to do what is right but the "godly" counsel given to you was NOT not godly or counsel, it was "man's wisdom" at best and that will always hurt us if we "take it"...

I have refused to talk to my stbx alone; will not go to a "counselor" who does not know us...I told my stbx that I would ONLY speak with him about our marriage in the presence of my Pastors (which he knows and has spoken with; thought he actually liked Pastor but called him "infantile in his knowledge of the bible")...Both Pastor and his wife; also Pastor, whom I love dearly; very wise and knowledgeable of both scriptures AND people. Their understanding of "his views" and him in general and "seeing him in action" and allowing me to see him respond SO disrespectfully to them helped me see that he sees and feels the same way toward me. They confirmed that he probably "is not a christian" but a narcissist and has been spiritually abusive toward me...I am so thankful; their "view" of my stbx really helped me detach "the last bit" (the last bit of hope that he would come to his senses and see that this was all about over...this was my last attempt) and now I have peace that I did all that I could; all that I "was supposed to do" and he is accountable to God for himself.

I notified him last night of the LAST financial issues...he has been paying for my car insurance and I am "getting my own today" and I am giving him the title to one of my 3 cars; the third car is getting "junked" today AND I told him that I have been paying or his medical coverage from my pay and I expected that he would want to take responsibility for his bills so I have a paper that shows how much is deducted from my pay for him and telling him that he can pay for 1/2 of son's medical as well...child support will be next. But this was enough for one day as $200. more a month in my pocket will help.

I am sorry that it took 3 years to untangle from him; I am concerned about that with mine. He might want to make things as ugly as possible that is why I am NOT mentioning divorce...in my mind, the divorce happened sometime last year...definitely by Nov. 19th.

hugs...happy weekend..mine starts today, Monday we celebrate Labor Day here in the States with picnics and time with friends and family. Doing this "catch up" work today and then resting and going places with my son all weekend...

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