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Margie

My story

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Margie

I met my husband when I was 21 years old. He swept me off my feet, was kind, funny, told me he loved me, bought me gifts and treated me like a princess. Things became full-on fast.

He used to get very frustrated and agrivated and things and people around him, I found this a bit strange, but it was never directed towards me. I remember one night after we'd been together a few months, we were sitting with some friends in our lounge room just laughing and mucking around. I threw a cushion at him, just mucking around, no malice intended. He got so angry at me, yelled screamed and called me stupid. I was shocked, it seemed like a huge over-reaction.

As the years passed things like this began to happen to more often. He would blow up at me for seemingly innocent things, he had a bad temper. Things would blow over quickly and as fast as he got angry he'd be back to normal again. I oftened wondered if I imagined it. I always thought he was over-reacting and in the beginning I would pull him up on it and tell him, one of his friends told me to stop doing it as I was just winding him up. I think this was a very bad piece of advice as I did stop, I think he started to get away with his behaviour a lot more.

One day a few years later, husband had one of his temper fits around a friend and she said to me there's no way I'd put up with that. I knew his behaviour wasn't normal.

We got married and were really happy. He'd be kind, caring and we were in love. We'd been together 7 years by now. A few months after getting married I got pregnant, we both wanted to get pregnant but as soon as that test turned up positive it was like something snapped in him. He became sullen and angry. He went out one night and got incredibly drunk. He called me in the early hours of the morning and ranted that I needed to come and get him as his friends had tried to rape him. He was a 40 min drive from where I was, so I got in the car and went and got him. He ranted in the car the whole way home about how I was on his friend's side and how it was all my fault. I put him to bed to sleep it off. The next morning he was still acting angry at me and denied saying his friends had tried to rape him.

I ended up losing the baby and we were both really sad. A couple of months later I got pregnant again. He would go out and get drunk and get into fights, something he didn't do before. He would come home and yell at me.

The day I went into labour he got all angry and sulky. "When's this baby going to come. I've been waiting all day" He mocked me while I was in pain, saying "What are you going to be like when you're really in labour?" (baby came two hours after he said this). He stomped around the house and threw things.

Once bub came home she was cried a lot and we were both frustrated and tired. A couple of times he would yell at me and tell me I had trapped him and he had never wanted to marry me and have a baby. I was devastated as he was the one who brought up marriage and kids. He spent time at home full-time caring for baby and he would call me at work most days and yell at me cause baby wouldn't sleep. I would dread the phone ringing.

During this time he had an emotional collapse and was diagnosed with depression and put on antidepressants. One night I told him that I felt isolated from our friends and they didn't include me anymore. He got drunk and called up and abused them, basically lost his closest friends in the process.

Since then he gets angry a lot. Shouts, yells, slams doors. Tells me he wants to drop the kids on their heads and throw them against a wall. Tells me I'm an amateur and can't run the house properly. Tells me he's miserable and that he hates his life. Says that marrying me was a biggest mistake. Then he'll be all wonderful and tell me how much he loves me and the kids and how we're the best thing to ever happen to him.

The past 12 months we have had some big fights. On a couple of occassions I've had a few too many drinks (and he has too) and and he's told me he hates me for drinking too much and it's over. He tells me that he can't live with me and that I repulse him. That I can't be the person he needs. One of these occasions I drank too much was because I found out he'd been to an erotic massage parlour, I was devastated.

We went to counselling but it was useless. I saw a counsellor on my own and told what he'd been doing and she referred us to couple counselling. We saw another counsellor who referred us to family counselling.

We swing between being happy and him suddenly having a black cloud over his head and raging at us. I walk around on eggshells constantly. He tells me he hates it when I walk on eggshells around him. He tells me I'm weak, but if I try to stand up to him he gets angrier.

He has never hit me, but he has pushed me and has raised his hand like he's going to hit me. A few weeks ago he got very, very drunk. We had recently lost a friend to suicide and he called me said he wasn't sure if he'd come home (hinting at suicide). He came home about half an hour later, stumbling and in tears. I went to bed because I didn't want to trigger him. He blared music and then came in and raged at me. Said that he was going to kill himself and I was just rolling over and going back to sleep. He said that he couldn't kill himself as he couldn't leave the kids in my care as I was weak and would warp them. I tried to talk them but he grabbed me and pushed me away.

It's all about him and how miserable he is. He won't do anything about it though. See a doctor or change anything. He say's he's trapped, stuck.

I feel the same way. I love him and can't imagine life without him, but I can't keep going on this roller-coaster.

Last weekend, he yelled and slammed doors as we ran out of milk. I couldn't take it anymore and walked out the door. When I got back he had no understanding of why I'd walked out.

Now I have no idea what to do or how to do it. I don't feel like I could talk to anyone about this. I'm scared of losing everything. He keeps making plans for the future and I keep silent as I think "Will I be here?"

I have no idea what to do next. I really need help.

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blackbird

((((((((((((((Margie))))))))))))))))))

You are in a dangerous situation. Please do not minimize your husband's behavior or trust that things won't become physically harmful.

It is often repeated on this forum that, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Margie, when someone says this to you:

Tells me he wants to drop the kids on their heads and throw them against a wall.

...you have to believe that it has crossed his mind, and that in a moment of anger, he could follow through.

Now is the time to put yourself and your children first.

I'm not sure where you live, but a very good first step would be a call to a domestic violence hotline. Here in the US, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.SAFE. It seems that the Aussie members call their babies, "bub," so maybe someone here could post the Australian equivalent, just in case?

I would also highly recommend a few books to you:

The abuse "bible" that is often recommended here is Why Does He Do That, by Lundy Bancroft. It was an eye-opener for me; I couldn't put it down.

I'd also suggest The Betrayal Bond by Dr. Patrick Carnes. What you feel is not love, deary, it's trauma bonding; a psychological reaction to abuse in which the victim binds themselves closely to their abuser as a protective measure. It is very common in cases of domestic violence, and this book might help you understand that dynamic better. Here's an online article about trauma bonding that might provide some immediate insight.

Speaking for myself, the books were highly validating and helped me to understand how horribly manipulative and controlling my ex really was.

Also, feel free to lean on the OP members for support. The great news about this board's international membership is that there's nearly always someone online to listen.

I'm thinking of you and your sweet little children, and sending huge hugs your way.

Stay safe,

Blackbird

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Tallulah

Blackbird gave you some spot on advice. But from my experience with advising women in forums like this I already know that you'll discount what she says with such thoughts as 'he's not that bad, not even close'. Pfffffft. Guess again. <_<

Let me tell you something. The guy's a loose cannon. Who CARES what his problem is when what he's doing is detrimental to the well being of you AND your kids.

I've seen enough of this crap. I've seen FAR TOO MANY programs where a woman comes forward to talk about how her children were murdered by their sick fcuk father just because his fvcked up need to get even (excuse me, NOT even but his need to CONTROL it all) took precedent over everything else.

You don't wait around for him to do his fcuking worst. You just don't. You PREPARE for the worst and NEVER UNDERESTIMATE HOW FAR HE'LL GO. To do so would be your biggest mistake.

Tallulah

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StartinOver

I think that it is time for you to leave and once you reach that point where you are thinking "Will I be Here" that usually is the first sign that you dont' want to be there. It can only get worse from here on out. I know that you love him - you have a child together and you think that you need him because he is planning for the future, but if his temper is that bad your future might not be as long.

Stay strong, pray and think about your child. My son started hitting and fighting kids in school for no reason he started pulling his penis out in front of the lil girls and everything - We had a conference and his teacher, who is a licensed Psychologist and she wanted to know what was going on at home and of course I lied in front to her because he was there, but then she called me at work the next day and she wanted to know why I was quite and she said that she could tell that something was not right with us just by observing my behavior. - I knew I had to leave before my son ending up growing up thinking this behavior is okay because his daddy does it and his mother allows it. Our son is only three (3).

You have to do what is right for your safety and well being and for your children.

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darby

Blackbird gave you some spot on advice. But from my experience with advising women in forums like this I already know that you'll discount what she says with such thoughts as 'he's not that bad, not even close'. Pfffffft. Guess again. <_<

Margie I am sorry you had to come here but you will be glad you have, i myself have only just found this site and the support and advice is amazing.

I also wanted to say that "Tallulah" was right on the money, as I was reading your story I had the thoughts tallulah mentioned. i was thinking "wow margie is in a far worse situation than me, at least my partner isn't that bad" I was feeling very sympathetic towards you and at the same time deminishing my own situation. That is not what this is about, this is not a competiton of who has the sadest story, we are all here because we are scared unsure or have been at one time or another. that is what makes this such a wonderful site. Margie when you read through others stories on here please dont do as I did and downgrade your own, "As not that bad."

When you hear from others who are or have been in simiar situations, including phrases either you yourself have said, thought, or your partner has said or done, it really sets off some alarm bells. Listen to them!!!

I think this is what we need, this is exactly what we need right now, its a step in the right direction, cos if you are anything like me, telling anyone about what goes on is just out of the question, here it's safe no one judging you just kindness support and helpful advice.

No one knows of my situation, here is the first time i have spoken about it and i am glad i did.

Welcome and love and hugs to you.

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