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StartinOver

My Story

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StartinOver

I met the love of my life when I was 17 years old. He was my first. He was so loving and so kind and didn't rush me into anything that I wanted to do like my past relationships. He was honest with me upfront and he pursued me until If finally said yes I would go out with him. After 3 months of dating - no sex- and him treating my like I was queen I knew that he was the one.

Well, then came the lies and we broke up, he married his babymama and went to the military. While in the military we kept in touch, I dated other men only to use them because that is what I felt was done to me. I knew that all me were liars and only wanted me for sex. In the mean time I dated this older guy who paid all my bills with nothing in return - he bacame a stalker and demanded sex so I had to get my family and the police involved. After that I slowed down and dated on person while seeing my first on the side whenever he would visit Houston.

When he returned home he told me that he was getting a divorce and wanted to be with me. He wooed me all over again and I thought things would be better. We had our first child (his fourth) and things were great, he was working, and being a good father and boyfriend. We moved in together and I thought that his overprotectedness was cute and what a man was suppose to do to protect his woman. Then began the verbal abuse and he began to accuse me of things that werent true, told me that I couldn't have male friends, and when I wanted to go out with my homegirls he would say no because I had to put my family first. There was no physical abuse - yet. He promised not to hit me and I believed him. I knew that he was abusive to his previous wife but he claimed it was because he didn't love her and only married her for the extra military income and because she had his daughter.

The first time he hit me it was because I was talking to a male friend and he said that I was cheating on him. He hit me and pushed me and then he apologized and said he over reacted because he had been cheated on before. He made love to me and said that he wanting me to have another one of his kids. The next day while he was at work, I packed my things and I went to stay with a family member. I of course took him back because he seemed sincere.

We got married in November of last year and since then we have had 3 physical altercations and all of them were blamed on me. The first time he was only pushing me and I passed the first hit because he was trying to my son away from me. After I hit him he pushed me down and begin to punch me in my face. He then told me to go upstairs, when I didnt he said that he would hit me again. When I went upstairs he brought my son back in the house and began to tend to me and explain to me that it was my fault because I hit him first. I believed him and I thought that I brought that upon myself.

The next time he hit me it got worse, he didn't hit me but he did choke me. He laid on top of me to prevent me from going anywhere. He told me that I was not able to go to work and that I was to stay in the house. After pinning me to floor and slapping me every so often he finally let me up because my son was crying in the other room. That time, I left again, only to return because I believed that maybe if I stopped and did like I was asked to do then I wouldnt get hit anymore and that he would change. We even went to counseling and I felt like if I said the wrong thing that I would get it when I got home, so I didn't embarass him in any way and I didn't return to conseling because I didn't think that it would help.

This last time happeded on Sunday. This weekend I took our son to the Carnival on Saturday. I left the house around 3:00 and came home around 9. When I got home I tried to tell him about our outing but he said that he didn't want to hear it. I tried to watch television but he went to the tv and unplugged it and told me I couldnt, then I got on the computer and he took that away. He then told me the only thing I could do was go to sleep, so I did. Sunday morning I got up and went to church, after church I told him that my brother was taking our son and his kids to Chuck E. Cheese and I asked him if he wanted to go and he said no. I told him that while they were out I was going to writing my paper for school. I called him and texted him throughout my time there to let him know I was where I said I was at. When I got home and put my son to bed, I was taking a shower and he decided that he wanted to go through my phone. I refuse to give him the passcode so he began to do what he always did to get me to answer his questions and that was pinch my inner thigh. I gave him the passcode and he rigoursly went through my phone. I told him that I was not his 13 year old daughter and that he should trust me. He then begin to push me and shove me into the closet and told me to leave and that it was over. I told him that I would and I began to try and put on close but he snatched them away from me. He kept pushing me and shoving me and I was getting angry and told him to stop because I didn't want to hit him. He provoked me and I slapped him. He then laid me on the bed begin talking and telling me what I was going to do and where I wasn't going. I told him that I was going to visit my dad in Port Arthur and he said that I wasn't and I told him that I was and that he was not my daddy. I told him that I did everything around the house. I work full time and go to school full time and still have time to spend with my son and everything else. He began to bring up things that happened in the past and I began to ignore him.

He then snatched me to the end of the bed and tried to tie my hands behind my back with a belt. I got a loose and begin to scream. He gagged me with the tie from robe and told me to shut up. He held my head down into the bed leaving me unable to breathe because I wouldn't give him my hands. He then got the ironing cord and tied my hands up with that. I was still gagged when he placed the belt around my neck and began to pull. I head butted him and got a loose. He then proceeded to take the ironing cord and put it around my neck. I begged and pleaded and told him that I was sorry and that I was going to do better and be the wife he wanted me to be. He wanted all of my money and everything and I told him that I would give it to him and that he would controll over the finances. He let me up and I began to apologize.

He then started to cry and told me that he messed up and that he couldn't control his anger. He said that he was sorry and began to hold me and cry and he told me that he would leave so that I can be happy. I watched him as he left but before he left he took his loaded Marskburg Pump out of the trunk and got in his car. I ran out to stop him because I don't want him to kill himself or hurt himself. I managed to get the gun and run in the house to hide it and unload it. I told him that he wasn't going anywhere and that I love him and I wasn't going to leave. I told him that he had a lot to live for and that everything would be okay. We both didn't go to work on Monday and that morning he told me that he wasn't going to hurt me and he staring making excuses as to why he did it. He told me that if he wanted me dead, I would be because of his military background.

I told him that I was sorry for slapping him....and I was being nice so that we could have a good day while all the while in my head I was thinking about my leave. It is very hard but I have made up my mind because I don't know if I will be as successful and I might not be living. I am so sad, confused and I am at work unable to concentrate. I can't talk to anyone because they have been through this with me before and I took him back, but this time is different, I am not going back, I can't for my sake and for my son's sake. I cant do this anymore. I can't go to a place where he would be able to find me. I am going to have to stop my son from going to school so that he wont go up there to pick him up. The escape is hard but I know that I can do when he leaves for work in the morning.

The other sad part is that he is okay with everything. He is going to blame me and if he does hurt himself the guilt will lie on me.

It felt good to write it...

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Stormy

(((((((((((StartingOver))))))))))))

:welcome to:

:this is abuse: I will write more later when I'm home from work. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know we are here to listen and support you as you find your way away from and out of abuse.

Have you contacted the local DV support? Is there anyone who can help you find a safe place to hide?

Also, we are all responsible for our own actions. If your husband harms himself, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. That will have been a choice he made, all by himself (and he has the equal opportunity to make a better one). Even though, sometimes, abusers would like us to think that their well-being lies in our hands, that is total BS. They are responsible for themselves. And we are responsible for ourselves and our choices. The choice to stay away and make a better life for yourself with your son seems to be a very wise one, in my opinion.

Good luck!

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Curly

:welcome to: StartinOver

If you haven't already please get in touch with your local domestic violence services. Click here to find a list. You just click the map to get your area. I think your best chance of making it out and staying out is with some support.

I do think your situation is extremely dangerous. I think you already do realise that he is likely to kill you.

Maybe he is sorry but it really does not matter as he is not sorry enough to stop abusing you. No matter what he says it is not your fault.

I know that some people will lose patience with you because you have gone back to him but that is because most people really do not understand that it is very hard to leave an abusive relationship. Most women leave several times before they manage to leave and stay gone. Leaving is hard for many reasons including there often being issues like traumatic bonding and the addictive nature of these unhealthy relationships. Then you need somewhere to go and to be able to support yourself and your child.

I think that good friends will be there for you and will stick with you. I think it could still be worth a try telling someone.

I do not know if you are prepared to do so but would you consider going to the police. Choking or strangling you is a crime as is battering you. He could be charged.

Your son is also being harmed by what is being done to you. The longer you stay the more likely he is to grow up to be an emotionally damaged and probably abusive adult. Leaving tells your son abuse is not OK.

Please join us in the Main Forum.

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blackbird

StartinOver,

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through. The good news is that you've landed in a wonderfully knowledgeable and supportive place. If anyone could get you through these next few steps, it would be the women of OP.

Be safe.

Sending huge hugs your way,

Blackbird

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StartinOver
(((((((((((StartingOver))))))))))))

:welcome to:

:this is abuse: I will write more later when I'm home from work. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know we are here to listen and support you as you find your way away from and out of abuse.

Have you contacted the local DV support? Is there anyone who can help you find a safe place to hide?

Also, we are all responsible for our own actions. If your husband harms himself, it is NOT YOUR FAULT. That will have been a choice he made, all by himself (and he has the equal opportunity to make a better one). Even though, sometimes, abusers would like us to think that their well-being lies in our hands, that is total BS. They are responsible for themselves. And we are responsible for ourselves and our choices. The choice to stay away and make a better life for yourself with your son seems to be a very wise one, in my opinion.

Good luck!

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maggiez

StartinOver,

I am sorry for what you have gone through.

It's not to late to report this violence to the police.

Having a record of this act will help you immensely in protecting you and assuring your rights for custody.

Whatever you do, don't let him know what your plans are, and don't contact him.

MaggieZ

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