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ciceromom

Trying to find the strength

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ciceromom

How do I say this?--- I want out, but this time I want to stay out. And I really need help finding strength to do it this time, and I am hoping to find it here!

My story is long and twisted, but here it is- I ran away from an emotionally, and early on sexually abusive home at 16 to be with my husband who was 18 years older than me. I had 3 girls with that man( now 11,7,&6), and was married 10 years before I finally had the strength to tell him I wanted a divorce. My husband did about every action on the power and control wheel and still uses my girls to try to control me now that we are apart. I have awful fears about the emotional abuse he is putting them thru now and my oldest refuses to live with me as she and I are always butting heads about something or another. I have both a family court order of protection as well as a criminal order of protection against him, and am still working out the particulars of my divorce for cruel and inhumane treatment. But that all is actually not what is bothering me now because my marriage was over in my mind soooo long ago.

My problem is that the reason I was finally able to end my marriage was because I met a man- and I thought he was my prince charming. But I realize now that I was very,very wrong! I have spent the past year in such a rollar coaster cycle that I don't know if I am up or down at any given moment. This man and I but heads constantly and I want out. I tried several times to end things- I even changed my #- but I keep goin back. Now I am in a huge financial crunch and I find myself staying with him because I don't know what else to do short of going into a shelter. I tell myself I love him, and I do but I put him before everything else in my life and I have lost 2 jobs because I was so obsessed with him, I dont pay bills so that I can spend money on him, and I push my girls off on everyone else to spend time with him because he feels they are not respectful enough of him and his home. I know in my head that he and I donthave a future but my heart keeps me in a fantasyland where nothing will ever come between him and I. I go to a support group and I have other support services to help my relationship with my girls, but everyone is getting fed up with me because I wont let him go.

I dont want to lose my girls or anymore friends, but I have such a hard time in the middle of the night when the voices in my head won't stop, I cry out for him to hold me because somehow if he loves me than I have value. I have a really hard time with self love when I feel like such a failure. So I guess I'm just looking for that middle of the night friend cuz I wont allow myself to believe that I could actually call any of my friends for such a stupid little crisis that seems HUGE to me at the time! Any help is appreciated!

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vpc

:welcome to:

Many members here will understand that pull to go back and how hard it is to do what you know is best for you. I know they will be willing to help with advice or just be a listening ear.

I suggest you post this in the main area too ciceromom. There is a lot more traffic there.

Again welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here but am glad you have found us :)

Vicki

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Curly

Sounds like you are dealing with a real addiction to this man. It also sounds as though he is doing a very good job of coming between you and your children.

You are the only one who can choose to break the obsession. It seems like you are already very well aware that the obsession is harming you and your children. I think you will find there are others here who understand how strong a hold an abusive person can have over you.

I think your "stupid little crisis" is actually a huge one because it is something that is destroying your life and harming your children.

I hope you will join us in the Main forum which gets more traffic and where everyone discusses the main issues around dealing with and healing from abuse.

:welcome to:

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ciceromom

Just thought that I might add an update on my story-

I am feeling stronger than I was in July, but am still of course having ongoing issues. I am still with my boyfriend, but things have definately calmed down with him. We are not so on again off again as we were, and I am kinda resigned that things will stay like they are currently until I am forced to make a change. I am spending much more time with my girls and have gottewn strong enough that I do tell my boyfriend that I cannot be with him because I have plans with the kids. My mother enjoys taking the girls to spend the weekends with her as she is now an empty nester and enjoys a couple of days with a full house, so I mainly spend the weekends with my boyfriend. I have been able to get my girls into a schedule with their school and sports and I even find myself taking my oldest to basketball on Sat morn by myself just for the one on one time with her. I am not acting as a sole parent as their father is in a rehab center and only spending an hour a week with them, and that leads to its own problems as I discussed in another recent post. I have learned much from my classes and support groups which I am still attending as well as individual counseling. I am getting better at setting boundries in my relationships and standing up to others though it is very hard at times. I am still unemployed and having a hard time with my job search because just the thought of going back to work is sooo overwhelming, this in turn causes other problems as I may have to move out of home soon as it is late in the foreclosure process. But with this hard economy I guess no one is having an easy time of things. I still log on here on an almost daily basis as hearing from and about others in this process helps me not feel so alone. I thank all of the women and men here for their shared strength!

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ciceromom

Just thought that I might add an update on my story-

I am feeling stronger than I was in July, but am still of course having ongoing issues. I am still with my boyfriend, but things have definately calmed down with him. We are not so on again off again as we were, and I am kinda resigned that things will stay like they are currently until I am forced to make a change. I am spending much more time with my girls and have gotten strong enough that I do tell my boyfriend that I cannot be with him because I have plans with the kids. My mother enjoys taking the girls to spend the weekends with her as she is now an empty nester and enjoys a couple of days with a full house, so I mainly spend the weekends with my boyfriend. I have been able to get my girls into a schedule with their school and sports and I even find myself taking my oldest to basketball on Sat morn by myself just for the one on one time with her. I am acting as a sole parent as their father is in a rehab center and only spending an hour a week with them, and that leads to its own problems as I discussed in another recent post. I have learned much from my classes and support groups which I am still attending as well as individual counseling. I am getting better at setting boundries in my relationships and standing up to others though it is very hard at times. I am still unemployed and having a hard time with my job search because just the thought of going back to work is sooo overwhelming, this in turn causes other problems as I may have to move out of my home soon as it is late in the foreclosure process. But with this hard economy I guess no one is having an easy time of things. I still log on here on an almost daily basis as hearing from and about others in this process helps me not feel so alone. I thank all of the women and men here for their shared strength!

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