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AuslanGirl

Is it okay if I post my story here?...

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AuslanGirl

Hi all!!

I'll try to keep it short...ish!! LOL!!

I mert my H in 1989. Married him in 1990. Pregnant to him with 6 months of the wedding. 4-5 other kids along with a few miscarriages (none due to abuse!) came over the next ten years. The violence started after we got married. Very slowly at first, well, in fact, he DID hit me accross the face while we were engaged. But after we got married, he'd kick furniture, raise his fist towards me, throw me into chairs and raise his fist at me, rape me etc.

Bit by bit, he became worse. Although he NEVER beat me while I was pregnant. He didn't hit me that often, and it was usually one blow, and that was it...but those one blows would leave a massive bruise of my face or I'd have a black eye, or he'd squeeze my arms so I had bruises there. He LOVED to "playfight"...it gave him the excuse he needed to hurt me-especially after I learned sign language. He really loved bending my thumbs back so hard I'd been in pain for weeks.

About 7 years into the marriage, he beat me so badly in the back, that it left a fracture there. I didn't know it was fractured for many years. H took me to the dr on the condition I lie to him about what happened. He came in to make sure I did so.

Things got worse and worse, I left a couple of times, but always went back. Finally, after 15 years of this, it got WAY worse. I went to TAFE, and he escalated. He started throwing things at the kids, and I left and went to a refuge so I could have him served with an RO. I went back after it was served. he no longer physically abused, me, he mentally and emotionally abused me-worse than ever before. It was awful!

Finally, he breached the order, and kicked 2 of my kids, so I took them and ran to a refuge again, and we seperated for 10 months. He never tried to get me back-nothing! But later on, her went to see a counsellor, and was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder and went on medication. We re-united 10 months later. Our Pastors and leaders in our church helped us both and were there for us every step of the way. They never condoned what my H did to me. They loved on him, but held him accountable for his behaviour and actions, and theyreally loved on me, and supported me in the difficult decision I had to make to leave him, telling me no woman deserves to be bashed, beaten or abused.

He has been way better now. He is not perfect, and still sometimes scares me when he yells at the kids, or whatever, but he is a more "normal" person now, and is learning about not being abusive. I know it will take him his whole lifetime. This year, in January, we celebrated 20 years of marriage by having a romantic weekend away in a hotel in the city! It was WONDERFUL!!!

AuslanGirl :)

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AuslanGirl

Bump!!:)

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Chris77

Hi, Auslan, thanks for telling your story. You may have posted it here before, I wouldn't know, and probably most would know it already, but thanks for taking the time. I love hearing other people's stories - they are all unique but precious nevertheless.

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free2bme

You're an amazing woman AuslanGirl. Thank you for your story. I'm glad you had a nice anniversary celebration. You deserve it.

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AuslanGirl

I ended up reposting my story here in July this year, bse i couldn't find my original version, and I've forgotten just HOW to do it....the best version i wrote is still over at the other place-the litter box, and i ain't going there to look! LOL!

Soooo....if some wonderfully, kind and caring admins would be able to teach me how to delve back into the annals of time so I can get my original "my story", if there is one here, or can help me retrieve from the "other" place, I'd be most grateful!

I certainly don't want to repeat myself, ya know?

AuslanGirl :wub:

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Jacky

Hi Aus,

I think it is good you are telling your story, but what I want to know from it is HOW do the Pastors hold him accountable? You have been through much and come a long way but I think that many will still worry because it is so rare for things to work out when the marriage is restored. I am also interested from a Pastoral point of view as there have been some women in my church in abusive relationships and it is good to know what might work.

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AuslanGirl

Hi Jacky!

From what my husband and also the Pastor who was counselling us has said, he (the Pastor) used to make a point of going to talk to my husband every week either before or after church just briefly. He'd ask how he was doing, and ask if he was taking his medication properly and if he was taking it at all. If H lied, our Pastor always knew, and confronted him quick-smart! My husband could NEVER fool our Pastor, that's for sure.

I never knew this was happening until my husband told me. Our Pastor did tell me he spoke to my husband a couple of times, but it wasn't until we reconciled, that my husband told me that he'd check on him and see how things were every Sunday.

He also encouraged my husband to make an appointment to see him through the week. He didn't see him every single week, maybe once or twice a month, but it was great there was that accountablility happening every Sunday-sort of an impromptu, mini counselling session! LOL!!

After we reconciled, our Pastor made a point of coming to both of us to see how things were. He doesn't do this now, but we'll often have a quick catch up just to touch base, and every now and again, we'll make an appointment and have a proper catch up in a counselling session. It's a time to let him know how we are doing, sometimes, there'll be an issue we are having a bit of problems with...just bse we have reconciled, didn't mean that magically, we had the perfect marriage. We still have issues that we have trouble sorting out-in fact, we are going to see our Pastor this week to talk about some communication problems we've been having.

AuslanGirl :wub:

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free2bme

Wow AuslanGirl! He sounds great, your pastor. I'm glad you have him. I have to say, I've been a little scared to think what it must be like to reconcile with an xabuser. I'm not a believer that they can change. I realize that there is a small percentage of them that want to change. But whether they can or not, I am not yet a believer. But I'm so happy to hear you get all that support. You deserve it. I think you must be an incredibly patient and forgiving person. :) But then again, I believe everyone on this forum is that and more.

So you feel it's worth the effort to work through his baggage? Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells, ever? There's a lot of questions in my head about this. I hope I'm not intruding on your boundaries. Also, I know for a fact that lis' h will not change. He loves himself just the way he is. It's sickening.

But I'm so happy for you, as long as it's what you actually want. :D

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christinadarling987

I'm very happy for you, Auslingirl. It is good to hear the happy endings sometimes. Thanks for sharing your story :-)

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AuslanGirl

Hey Linny?

Yeah, Our Pastor is an awesome guy....sometimes he talks a bit too much and forgets that we would actually like to say something as well, although, when it's clear I've needed to talk in the past, he's clammed up and just let me talk...he's really, really good like that!

In some ways there is a lot of baggage to work through, but in other ways there's not...it's hard to explain what I mean by that....it's like where I used to think he was DELIBERATELY doing stuff was actually a result of the downward spiral of the bi-polar, so I've had to sort all of that out in my brain.

My whole thing was that he what I had actually believed to be pride and arrogance on his part when he refused to seek help and get assessed by a psychiatrist was actually fear of the unknown. Because once he was put into a position (by his OWN doing!) of actually having to seek help or risk being put into jail and being charged with multiple counts of assault, he found that having a mental illness was NOT the death sentence he thought it would be. It took a lot longer for him to get his medication sorted so there was still a lot of drama there. But once he did this, after a few months, the man I fell in love with and married came back to stay! He and I was both amazed at the transformation!

I'd be lying if I said I NEVER feel as though I walk on eggshells at time...bse of the abuse I suffered for 15 years, I still freeze if he yells, or if I hear loud noises. Heck! He only has to raise his hand too quickly, and I cower like a dog! It upsets him to see this, not because he is angry with me, or bse he thinks I'm holding onto the past, but bse he's starting to realise what he's put me through for all those years.

You are not intruding on any boundaries at all, hun. I'm happy to answer questions. I would NEVER say to people that just bse an abuser changes his ways means that they will live happliy ever after, bse change is NOT instantaneous, it is a life-long process...just like getting over the PTSD is going to be a life-long process for me also.

If my husband had been one of those abusers like Lis's husband who is full of pride and arrogance and doesn't believe they are abusive, then change is very slim...it would take such a person to lose absolutely everything for them to even start thinking they may need to change, but even then, it's very rare. My best mate is seperated from a very proud and arrogant man and I pray for them both, but as I've told her, the only way their marriage will ever be able to continue is if he lets go of his pride and arrogance and changes his ways...and for such a man to humble himself enough to do these things.....well, it's very rare! THAT is why real change in abusive men is so rare-bse they don't believe they need to change...everyone else is wrong and they are always right. This man my friend is married to is the typical abuser. I would love to see him change his ways and be reconciled to his wife, but as long as he contues in his abusive ways, it will NOT happen. My friend has a good head on her shoulders, and knows what she is dealing with.

Christinadarling? Thanks heaps for the encouragement!

AuslanGirl :wub:

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