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sunshine

finally left but cant let go

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sunshine

hi, im new on here, not quite worked the site out yet (forgive me if im doin this wrong) but this is my story.

i was with my ex for 4 yrs. the first year everyfin was great! i felt id met the man ov my dreams! looking back ther wer many warning signs then that i didnt see or perhaps ignored. then 4 the nxt 3 yrs things started goin pretty much from bad 2 worse. he abused me emotionally, mentally and phisically. i was in hospital 3 times (and shouldve gone more) becoz ov this lunatic! it wasnt until about 9 mnths ago that i was even aware i was suffering from domestic violence. i started reconising the patterns & new what wer about 2 happen. i tried n failed 2 leave so many times. after reading and understanding dv i decided the onli way out alive was a refuge, so here we are, (me & my daughter)

i am proud ov myself 4 doing this & coming this far & i feel so much better 4 it onli, i cnt stop thinking about him!! i feel sori 4 him & worry about him!! i no this mite seem strange after all the bad things he did 2 me but i just cnt seem 2 get him out ov my head! i try keepin busy n doin 'happy' things or things i cud neva do wen i was with him but sooner or later the thought ov him keeps cumin bak!!

so was wondering if any of u had any tips or advise 4 me as i feel a bit lost! im also trying 2 overcome anxiety and thinkin ov him is jus not helpin at all!

thankyou xx

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SM

((((((Sunshine and daughter))))))) --- this means I'm hugging you guys!

Sunshine, I'm sorry that you had a need to find us, but I'm glad that you're here!

Do you see the section on our website that says "Main"? That's where most folks post. I'm not sure why more of us don't post over here, but it's the way it is! Just copy this post and re-post it on the Main section and you'll have many more answers than just mine!

SM

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Curly

:welcome to: Sunshine

Good that you feel proud of yourself for leaving your abuser. Good because leaving is not easy. Most people do make several attempts before they succeed in getting out and staying out.

How you are feeling is also pretty normal too. The bond to an abuser can be very strong and take some time to break and get past. Perhaps it may help you to look in to trauma bonding. That could help you understand some of what you are experiencing now.

It is quite common for the victim of abuse to be worrying about the feelings and welfare of the abuser wondering how he will cope while most times the only person the abuser has any thoughts for is himself. He is unlikely to be worried about how you are doing or feeling. If he sheds tears they are invariable for himself and his having lost his abuse target.

Are you going to a support group or are you getting any counselling? I think these are both helpful provided you find someone with a good understanding of domestic violence and someone you feel comfortable with.

I also suggest that you join in on the main forum. Most of our members will understand just what you are going through.

If you have friends or family members who understand and are supportive then I suggest you ask them for support and accept anything they can offer you.

Getting over abuse and an abuser is a painful process and the only way to heal is to allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to cry, feel anger, sadness or anything else. Most of us do go through a grieving process for the loss of the relationship and the dreams of what could have should have been. Healing takes time and patience. It is a time to be gentle with yourself.

Healing is quicker and easier if you can maintain no contact with the abuser. If you have a child with the abuser this can be harder to do.

I personally think that talking to other people who do understand helps a lot.

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Sylvia

I am hugging you, too!

((((((( sunshine and daughter )))))))

You've been through so much.

:abuse is wrong:

What you are feeling is normal. Like Curly said...the attachment can be very strong, like a lethal addiction.

Something that helps is keeping a journal and remembering all the horrible hurtful things he did and

how you felt. This is not so you can get bitter or live in the past...This is so you can live in REALITY.

Bad memories tend to fade and good memories/feelings tend to get exaggerated. It's so important to face

what you have been through.

And you ARE facing it. Absolutely be proud of yourself. It takes time. You are well on your way. You are so brave!

Do you have Real Life support?

I hope you will post in the Main forum.

We're here for you.

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sunshine
((((((Sunshine and daughter))))))) --- this means I'm hugging you guys!

Sunshine, I'm sorry that you had a need to find us, but I'm glad that you're here!

Do you see the section on our website that says "Main"? That's where most folks post. I'm not sure why more of us don't post over here, but it's the way it is! Just copy this post and re-post it on the Main section and you'll have many more answers than just mine!

SM

thankyou

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sunshine
:welcome to: Sunshine

Good that you feel proud of yourself for leaving your abuser. Good because leaving is not easy. Most people do make several attempts before they succeed in getting out and staying out.

How you are feeling is also pretty normal too. The bond to an abuser can be very strong and take some time to break and get past. Perhaps it may help you to look in to trauma bonding. That could help you understand some of what you are experiencing now.

It is quite common for the victim of abuse to be worrying about the feelings and welfare of the abuser wondering how he will cope while most times the only person the abuser has any thoughts for is himself. He is unlikely to be worried about how you are doing or feeling. If he sheds tears they are invariable for himself and his having lost his abuse target.

Are you going to a support group or are you getting any counselling? I think these are both helpful provided you find someone with a good understanding of domestic violence and someone you feel comfortable with.

I also suggest that you join in on the main forum. Most of our members will understand just what you are going through.

If you have friends or family members who understand and are supportive then I suggest you ask them for support and accept anything they can offer you.

Getting over abuse and an abuser is a painful process and the only way to heal is to allow yourself to feel it. Allow yourself to cry, feel anger, sadness or anything else. Most of us do go through a grieving process for the loss of the relationship and the dreams of what could have should have been. Healing takes time and patience. It is a time to be gentle with yourself.

Healing is quicker and easier if you can maintain no contact with the abuser. If you have a child with the abuser this can be harder to do.

I personally think that talking to other people who do understand helps a lot.

thankyou for your reply. i attended a group called the freedom project which i found extremely interesting and definatly benefical but this was onli a 12 wk course & has finished now. im quite lucky reali as i do get a lot ov support around me i just find it hard & embarassing talking 2 pple about this. i will definatly look up trauma bonding tho!!

oh n i think ive joined the main forum now...(i think)

thankyou

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sunshine
I am hugging you, too!

((((((( sunshine and daughter )))))))

You've been through so much.

:abuse is wrong:

What you are feeling is normal. Like Curly said...the attachment can be very strong, like a lethal addiction.

Something that helps is keeping a journal and remembering all the horrible hurtful things he did and

how you felt. This is not so you can get bitter or live in the past...This is so you can live in REALITY.

Bad memories tend to fade and good memories/feelings tend to get exaggerated. It's so important to face

what you have been through.

And you ARE facing it. Absolutely be proud of yourself. It takes time. You are well on your way. You are so brave!

Do you have Real Life support?

I hope you will post in the Main forum.

We're here for you.

awww thankyou 4 ur kind words

i will definatly have 2 try doing that 1

thanks

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Sylvia

Go here.

http://forums.our-place-online.net/index.php?showforum=7

And post your story or Curly (one of our awesome admins) can move your story to the Main forum.

You will get a lot of support and meet some awesome people.

Or you can post a new thread over and say "Hi" or you can just read and hang out. :)

:welcome to::our place:

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Curly

Sylvia Sunshine has found the main forum and posted there.

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jaded

(((((HUGS))))

IHave one main word...'TIME' I know it's a bit cliche but it does take 'TIME'and self love and nurturing.

Take care xoxo

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