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My Story

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Having read a lot of the stories on here already, I feel blessed that I have come to some sort of enlightenment as early as I have. I'm only 23, but sometimes I feel as though I'm 40. I feel too young to have this much responsibility and this sort of police involvement, and this amount of pain and abuse, but I am grateful that I am not trying to escape from a fifteen year relationship. I am grateful I don't have children with this man, even though it means me mourning that lost, potential future with him.

I only met him a year ago. Things were very intense right from the beginning, he told me he loved me after a week, asked me to marry him after three weeks. I've always been a hopeless romantic, I felt so intense and extreme about this man, like a fly in a spider's nest I said yes, yes to everything, right away.

His dad was dying when we met. The first six weeks of our relationship was spent with me supporting him through this terrible time. I'd lost my father only 18 months before, I felt as though I could help. It wasn't long though, before he started telling me how useless my help was, how unsupportive I was being, how unsympathetic and unfeeling. How I, of all people, should have known better.

His lovely dad, who I only had the privilage of meeting twice, passed away. He cut a few of his close friends off, for not saying the right things, for not being sympathetic enough, for being too selfish. I thought this was a bit strange at the time, but let it go and tried to be supportive during what was obviously a very stressful time.

Then the arguments started. My housemate overheard one of them and said that it absolutely shook him up. I got called a f'ing c***, and when I said that I didn't find that acceptable he said that I shouldn't have been behaving like one, or else he wouldn't have to call me that. He started checking through my emails, even changing the passwords so that he had access and I didn't, and saying that he was justified because I was acting so suspicious (that means; frustrated and upset!) that I must have something worth hiding.

It's about this time I moved in with him. I was still on a high thinking that he was emotionally distraught and that it was up to me to help, only I could understand. Etc etc. He completely cut off the housemate he was living with, who he thought was stupid and blonde and too flippant. At the time I thought to myself "wow, she really must have been a bimbo, if she did the things he said she did!". Now though, I know better, and I am sorry that I thought so ill of her.

Things became increasingly isolated. He would blow up over increasingly tiny things, such as me leaving a teatowel on the chopping board ("don't you know how unhygenic that is???I can't believe how immature you are") to leaving a chocolate wrapper on the bench ("I'm so f'ing sick of cleaning up after you all the time!" Even thouh, I might add, I always did 95% of the housework).

One night just before Christmas we were both out with respective friends. He was supposed to join our group, so an hour after he said this and hadn't shown up I called asking where he was. He called me too clingy, said that he was f'ing sick of me, and hung up. I contemplated spending the night at my friend's house, but in the end went home to him. Huge huge mistake. He sent me a message telling me to sleep on the couch, and I wasn't having a bar of that (I've never really known when to shut up when I should). I woke him up and asked why he was behaving like such a monster. He asked me who'd I'd been sleeping with that night, and I was SO FURIOUS that I slapped him across the cheek. I know that I shouldn't have. I'm really sorry I did. He then tackled me to the ground, fracturing two ribs in the process. I burst into hysterical tears, and told me to stop crying and being so manipulative. I spent the next two hours crying and trying to crawl around getting my shoes on and packing a bag to leave, but he kept physically restraining me, and telling me that I made him act that was because I was so irrational, and it made him behave irrationally. I finally gave in and just went to bed, and he slept on the couch. The next morning he was soooo apologetic, and said that it would never happen again. I was so distraught, I just sat and stared at the wall and cried, for about three days ina row. I still don't know where I went during that time. I couldn't even think. I eventually forgave him and told him that I could never let it happen again. I still cry very easily, and any sign of him coming close to me physically during an argument makes me hysterical. He calls it psychotic.

There have been a few things since then. He smashed a glass at my feet, after throwing the water in my face. Pushed me into the bed a few times, leaving bruises. Last week he told me he was tired of me and cleaning up after me. I walked away, not wanting to cause a scene, even though I was crying. He followed me into the bedroom and told me he felt emotionally abused by my manipulative tactics, crying and getting upset all of the time. I ignored him and started working on my laptop, which made him furious, because he picked it up and threw it at me. It only hit my knee then bounced off on the bed, but I have a huge black bruise, and the computer doesn't shut properly now.

I was so upset. I told him to leave, and after 3 hours of him apologising and begging, he finally did. Two days later, I was still not convinced that he wasn't coming back, he kept saying things like "I have keys too you know, I'm just as entitled to be there as you are, you have to give me a month's notice to leave". Things like that scared me, so I finally found the courage to go to the police. I only wanted to talk about my options, but as soon as they saw my bruises and heard the history that slapped on a restraining order and want to arrest him for multiple cases of assault.

I guess I'm pleased. I stood up for myself. The abuser has found justice. The only problem is now I'm really lonely. I wish he wasn't under restraining order so I could call him. I want him to tell me that everything's going to be okay. I'm scared of finding all of the rent money by myself, and I'm scared that he's still the one for me and that I'm overreacting. What if he really was the one and there's no one else out there for me, ever? What if he feels betrayed by me going to the police? What if he hates me now? I have to start to create my whole life all over again, and it's so scary. I never thought this happened to 'smart' people. I hate that I still want him here, and I hate that I care what he thinks about me now. Is any of this normal? I'm sick of sitting here lonely and sad by myself, it'd be almost easier if he were around, even if he is imperfect.

So I guess that's me. And I guess I'm lucky. Right now I just feel old and tired and scared and lonely and worn out.

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You are a very wise 23 year old! Few women would have the courage to do what you're doing at any age. Stick around here...you'll find many wise and supportive people who really understand what you're going through.

That RO is going to be very helpful even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment. It's enforcing "no contact." And many people have found that "no contact" as lonely as it can be at times really does help you heal faster. Your mixed feelings are normal...he had to have some good points or you wouldn't have gone out or stayed with him otherwise.

You are not over-reacting-what he's done is very abusive and once they've crossed the line into physical abuse, they rarely go back and the abuse only escalates. Any man who abuses the one he cares about is not the person for you.

Be assured that abuse happens to "smart" people. We have members from many different countries and a number of professionals including a medical student, several doctoral students, a dentist, a professor at an Ivy league institution, etc. Abuse happens no matter what your income level or education.

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Welcome to our forum. You've come to the right place!

Please join us in the main forum. That's where you'll find most of the board activity. You will learn all there is to know about abuse/abusers here.

Lesson #1:

Abuse is NOT about physical violence. It's all about control.

Even if this guy never laid a hand on you he's still horrifically abusive.

A good book to read to start with is: Ditch That Jerk by Pamela Jayne Ph.D. It's a quick read and will give you the basics.


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:welcome to:

I am glad the police did their job and placed the restraining order on him.

One think I know for certain and that I hope you will know is that he is not "the one". A man who truly loves you will not abuse you.

I personally believe that there are many possible great matches out there that have the potential to become loving and respectful partners.

As Tall says what he is doing is all about control.

Unfortunately he really is the last person you should be talking to for support as in reality he is not your friend. He does not see you as an individual nor as an equal partner.

My advice to you at this point is to sit with your feelings. Unpleasant as they are they will pass. To squash them or avoid them will only see them cause you more pain later on. I think it is important at this point for you to reach out to friends and/or family. Anyone who is there for you.

Have you been in touch with any domestic violence organisation? If not I think that they can be a source of support. Have you considered counselling or support groups? I think these can be very helpful.

The fast pace that this relationship started is what we call a red flag.

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