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tckonthemend

Its never bad enough

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tckonthemend

I have just recently signed up for this forum but have been around for years. Some of you will regognize me from the other place and as I have started to post I feel I should introduce myself.

I have been in a VA/EA marriage for 27 years and come to realize that no matter how much I read, educate myself, self heal, done therapy together, on my own, learn to live my own life etc etc, you cannot protect yourself from abuse when you live with it. I thought I could, but this last incident that happened just confirmed to me that it does affect me, it still upsets me, it still leaves a mark. I have been giving my h to much energy again lately, been thinking about it to much; given him to much of my time. An abuser will always suck it out of you, no matter how much you think you can disengage. I also realize that I have definately suffered from traumatic bonding; that I have always loved my h; but that I am getting to the end of my road. So by writing down my feeling here I might get up the courage to leave him, to live a life of peace one day.

He is a classic example of someone who really wants to change, is never that bad,makes many attempts at therapy that never last long; it to much hard work; he is lazy and at the end of the day an abuser; we have months and months of pleasant interaction, I had written normal; ha, there is nothing normal about an abuser; but then out of the blue he will have one of his episodes where no matter what you do; it will not stop the emotional abuse that is to come. I am so well trained now I can see it coming. I have for a few years now, although in the cycle, sort of stepped out of it watching it from the outskirts, but being a player none the less; it takes so much longer for my buttons to be pressed, but again, I am only human, and eventually he will wear me down and this last one took him about 1 year, but I lost it and became a lunatic; the screamer with abusive behaviour. I know its a reaction to him; but I really get so upset and down at myself for letting him get to me. I am not sure if anyone else has experienced this feeling; the body and language communication from him gets worse and worse each day; until he looses it and will do anything it takes to get to have a massive argument; wanting willing me to become the abuser; threatening him with leaving him etc etc; its like waiting to be beaten up, but his is not physical, its mental.

So to be honest, I have been playing the game and its starting to show its results on me. It has become harder and harder for me lately to pick up and just get on with daily life again and to keep positive and see the sun shining.

H has changed so much over the years, adjusting so much of his behaviour; but HE HAS NOT CHANGED.....so for any of you young ones out there; don't be fooled and listen to the wonderful advise you get on this forum. If you can be self sufficient, get out. I did my 2 ds no favour staying; my biggest regret, but I have stopped with the self pity, guilt and anger at myself; I did the best I could under my circumstances and what I had at the time.

But soon there will be no excuse anymore, soon (2 years from now) I have nobody else to blame but myself and its time I take a good hard look at myself.

I know that no abuse is acceptable or less than other forms, and I have my invisible scars believe me, but I am so so sorry to read about so many of you who are going through such a tough time and just hope that all of you will find the peace and safety that you deserve.

This is just a start to my Story; maybe if I write something down everyday I can come to terms with my story and put it behind me.

I am in no danger, and this week I am starting to feel upbeat again and confidant that I can keep this going until my d finishes High School.

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Curly

Hi Tck and :welcome to:

In some ways I think it is harder to leave when the abuse is not so bad or all that frequent. The abuse can still wear you down and take the joy out of life just the same.

From my experience even the not so bad abusers on best behaviour tend to be selfish and inconsiderate partners.

I gather the two year goal is for your daughter to finish school.

I think being unhappy is a reason to leave.

I also think that dealing with abuse even when you understand what it is about and that it is the abuser's issue and not about you at all is stressful because you need to be on guard the whole time.

I do think that writing things down is a great way of clarifying and sorting.

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free2bme

Welcome Tck! I'm so sorry to read about your experience. But I do think you will feel better writing it all down. It's sort of like releasing the toxins out of our bodies. Keep posting and I hope you can find peace very soon. No one deserves this.

((((((((((Tck)))))))))))))

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tckonthemend

Curly, thank you for your reply. It was good to read your words. You are so right, h is selfish and controlling and it is all about him. We are in a nice phase right now, but knowing that it will not last ; these days they last a lot longer; he is realizing that I mean business when I tell him that he has two years to get himself sorted as we have two years of High School to go. Linny, thanks for your reply.

Let me start from the beginning. The red flags were there after we dated for 2 years meeting at university; I felt them but did not act on them, or rather I allowed myself to be swept away, I was so so in love with this handsome man. Actually I tried acting on my gut feeling, by breaking up with him when his mother told me that he would never love a woman as much as her and when he would not believe me that she would say such a thing; I could see that there was a very very unhealthy relationship between this only child and his mother; I gave the ring back and left on a holiday to get away. He followed me, turned up at my friends house in a neighbouring country, told me he loved me more than anything in the world and wanted to marry me so much. This is where I made mistake number one of thousands; I returned and accepted the ring back; we were also living together already at this stage. The day of our wedding he shouted at me for being stupid about forgetting passports; I locked myself into a bathroom and told him the wedding was off; he apologized, bought me flowers,got a cleaning lady to give them to me, he had an amazing ability to wait ; I was in there for 2 hours, told me he was also stressed and that he cannot wait to marry me; we had a lot of guests who had travelled from overseas as well as out of town. So no 22 year old will call off a wedding because her h to be got annoyed at her for something small; right!! And we were in love, he was so wonderful most of the time;so generous, supportive of me and I just ignored all those little warning signs; ie that he would tell me he was picking me up from work at 5pm and if I was 5 mins late he would have a go at me; told me that my job was not so difficult or important that I could not manage to be out of the office on time; me telling him that I was quite happy to take a bus home so he could go ahead and not wait for me fell on deaf ears; this would solve the problem, he did not want to be told how to solve a problem; he wanted to control the problem!!!!!! So this was the start of the verbal and emotional abuse, very supple, very light yet hurtful put downs and then whenever I complained, he would tell me not to be so sensitive and not to overreact and make a big deal out of a small something. I am a strong and confident person; it took nearly 20 years before I realized what was going on..... can you believe it.

In the beginning I was happy though, we had lots of good times and actually have a lot in common, are sexually well matched, and the real abuse started when we had our first d after 5 years of marriage. It started with getting told to give the baby a bottle when I was struggling with breast feeding; yelling at me that he was breast fed and did not need to be kept up all night; not giving up his luxuary golf game for tight financial reasons; basically me having to back to work when d was 5 months old and having no choice but to give mother-inlaw baby while working; I managed to get part-time work which was so difficult in those days. Sadly I was abused by my mother-inlaw at the same time; this is where he got it from; she would never have baby ready for me; I would land up sitting around for 2 hours waiting for d to wake up; she would keep most of the cloths and only give me what she felt like; in the evenings when baby was crying h would phone his mother and ask her to come to put baby to bed; I had no idea he was phoning her while I was in the room trying to settle her.

I voiced my objections, I complained, shouted and talked; to no avail; I was just ignored and the two of them did as they pleased. When d was 18 months old I wanted out; I gave him a choice; either he takes a job away from home or we get divorced; I truly believed our marriage would be just fine if we could just get away from the overpowering interfering mother-inlaw!!

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Curly
it took nearly 20 years before I realized what was going on..... can you believe it.

I have no trouble at all believing you because it took me more than 20 years to figure out why I was unhappy and to start to understand that I was not the real problem.

I like many others also ignored red flags in part through ignorance and also my gut. A lot of us never knew at the time what those signs meant. A lot of us had faulty programming that helped us ignore the warnings. A lot of us thought we could help the poor damaged man to heal and be healthy.

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