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free2bme

Feeling responsible for Lis

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free2bme

I am putting this in my story instead of the main forum because it's turning into my story after all.

We were on our way home from group last night and I was realizing something. This is kinda hard for me. When we were young I always looked out for my sister. We also fought like cats and dogs but we had a lot of love for each other. Often we would sleep with each other even tho she would pee in my bed and then leave me to go in her own bed. :6: We would try to soothe each others nerves by tickling our backs. Everywhere I went, Lis went. Sometimes I resented it but mostly I loved having her with me. I remember the day she was born very clearly, or at least the day I was allowed to hold her. I've never been much for babies not even to play house but when I held Lis in my arms I couldn't believe the powerful feeling that came over me. My baby sister. My grandmother wanted to take her from me and I wouldn't let her. She was MY baby sister.

But when I reached puberty everything started changing. Somehow I decided that home was not where I was going to find comfort and I was sure going to find it elsewhere. I made different friends that I normally wouldn't have chosen. They were on the wild side. My new friend got me a boyfriend. I had boyfriends since I was itty bitty because my mom thought it was cute. I remeber kissing my friend when I was 4 or 5 years old under the porch. But this boyfriend was different. It was all about making out. I was with him for 2 years. I got pregnant at 15 and had an abortion. I told no one. I really thought my father would kill me. It scared me to death. I didn't view the pregnancy as a baby. I felt like it was cancer. That was the biggest mistake I've ever made. But that's not the story I want to tell atm. My point is that I was so involved with my life that Lis took the back burner. She had her friends too but they no longer hung around me. Lis was 10 or 11.

Then he broke up with me. He wanted to try out new girlfriends. It broke my heart like it's never been broke again. But I had to hurry up and fix it. (My heart still hurts from this/strange) I started going out with my friends and sneaking in bars (I was 16 and 17). I met a bunch of guys but then I met my first husband. My father insisted on meeting him. They instantly liked each other. My father adored him, more than me even. One night my cousin got married and I went out to party with him and his new wife and another guy. My uncle found out we had been drinking and ratted on me. They tracked me down and my father found me passed out in the other guys bed. (nothing happened, we both were sleeping it off) But he found me and grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the stairs and threw me in the car and brought me home. I don't remember the drive home. When I got home the whole family was in the living room, my uncle, my grandmother and step grandfather and Mom and Dad. I can't remeber if Lis was there. They put me in the chair to face them all. Dad told them how he found me and my mother got up, which she never did anything usually, and slapped me across the face and called me a name. I don't remember what. Then came the lecture. I guess I must have mentioned to my cousin that I had an abortion. I don't remember. But my uncle at one point asked me if I had anything else I needed to tell them. So I blurted it out. I guess I figured now or never. I also threw in that I was currently having sex with my bf at that time. I didn't get out of bed for a week after that. My then bf soon to be husband kept calling but I didn't talk to him or anyone. Finally I talked to him and he made me feel a little better.

Then my father said I needed to marry bf. He gave a lecture to both of us. Bf thought it was a good idea. I was 17 and he was 18. So we did. It was a horrible day. I was so nervous. I really didn't want to get married. My father was angry all that day and made us all miserable. It was awful. We lived with them too. What a joke.

Thru out all this time, I don't remember much of Lis being around. We've talked about it a little and she says she was there but just watching me get lectured. Or watching me be rebellious. Or listening to Dad talk about me. She just took a back seat thru no choice of her own. It must have been like watching a constant train wreck. Poor Lis. How horrible. I was getting all the attention. Not that she would have wanted that kind of attention. All she wanted to do was keep peace.

She was 15, I was 19 and divorced and back to living with my parents again when she met Charlie. I didn't know about him until she was already 'in love' with him. She kept him a secret. She must have known we were all going to disapprove. Maybe she'll tell us the story from her perspective. That would be nice. When Dad found out and insisted on meeting him he had longish hair, wore a bandana, and was missing a tooth. He was 19. My father did not approve. He is may age so I knew of him from school. But he wasn't in my cirlcle of friends. I disapproved too. I felt like a snob. But I couldn't stand the idea of my baby sister with someone like that. But I tried to keep my mouth shut and be supportive. WHY!!! Maybe I should have been more vocal. But I felt guilty I guess that I hadn't been around for 5 years. I was too busy with my own train wreck. I feel now, if only I had of been around and noticed what she was up to then that relationship would have never happened. I really do feel responsible. I know that I'm really not. But that's how I feel.

That's enough for now. Thanx for listening.

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Curly

((((((Linny)))))))

Whatever happened back then is not your fault. Your parents failed you both. You were a kid and as such should never have been responsible for your little sister on that level.

It is not at all uncommon for abused kids to jump into relationships and marriage very early in order to escape the abuse at home. To an abused child it can often look like the only way out. Lis appears to have done what you did only you had better luck with the outcome.

Chances are that even had you been there for Lis more that the outcome for her would have been much the same.

Truth is that many if not most kids growing up with family violence have difficulties emotionally and psychologically that make it harder to succeed or lead a normal stable life. (Whatever normal may actually be)

You are not responsible for Lis being where she is today.

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free2bme

Curly you are good!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My husband wants to know if you like the 3 stooges?

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Curly
My husband wants to know if you like the 3 stooges?

I did watch them a bit in my younger days and enjoyed them then. That isn't where my name comes from though.

Curly was a nickname I was given at school because me hair was not curly. It's an Australian thing. Bald men would sometimes get called Curly.

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free2bme

That sounds like big guys getting called Tiny. Cute.

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Lily Bright

Linny,

You were trying hard to be a NORMAL teenager.

Your father, especially, was a BRUTE.

Raising Lis wasn't your responsibility... it was your PARENTS'...

They are the ones who failed both you and Lis.

Yanno, my Mom didn't like the Charlie I met and married, either.

I look back, and she also kept quiet.

I've already told my girls I'm not going to sit down and shut up.

It's their lives, but if I see something I don't like I'm going to vocalize it to them.

Help Lis, all you can, but don't accept the blame/shame that was never yours.

EITHER of you.

:wub:

Lily

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