Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • vpc

      Our Place Has Moved   09/30/2018

      Our Place has moved to a new location:      http://ourplaceonline.freeforums.net/forum  You will need to reregister at the new site as we are unable to transfer any content from here to there.   You will no longer be able to post here after 4th October, but the forum will remain visible until the end of October. If you are having problems registering at the new site, please admin.our.place@gmail.com                                                                                             
Limbo

I need some inspiration that's it's not all me....

Recommended Posts

Limbo

Hello everyone,

I'm not sure where to start here, but kind of feel like I'm at the end of my rope and can't snap out of it. It's kind of scaring me for the past few days. I don't want to be a whiner, but just can't stop crying.

I've known for a few years now that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I moved into his house about 7 yrs ago, and we became engaged. The deal was I bought the groceries and took care of the house and he worked at his shop and paid the electric. That's all the bills we had at the time.

A month after moving in I brought up the subject of maybe setting a date to get married and he went ballistic! He said he didn't want another fat wife and until I lost the weight and made more money & he wasn't ready. By the way I have 10lbs to lose, nothing major. I already gave up my house I rented, 1/2 my furniture and have 2 dogs or I would have gone home right then. I was very new to all these put downs and thought ok there is some truth to this so I will work on myself!

Over time he made some very bad busness choices and went into debt...about $350,000 sinking it into the business. Now the rules have changed and I'm suppose to fix it.

We are very compatible with day to day life and things that we like to do together, but about every 1 1/2 months he goes off on me big time. It's like Jekyl & Hyde.

It happens once in awhile throughout the month but if I don't react it usually doesn't escalate. According to him everything is my fault....I don't make enough money...it's my fault he works so hard ....he doesn't have certain clothes cleaned, but at the same time tells me I'm always running the washer and dryer. I just can't win! I work my butt off! This house is spotless when he gets home, dinner is ready and waiting for him every night after he takes his bath,( we have 5 animals in the house so that's a challenge) and he always finds something I have missed. He trashes the house leaving a trail every night and the process starts all over again the next morning. I also have been self-employed part time & work out of the house, but that doesn't count for him because I don't make enough . I feel like I am being sabatoged every step of the way!

Some of the stuff he said to me yesterday (Easter...spent it by myself while he worked at his sons house) and this morning is like out of a fantasy....doesn't even make sense! He's playing the head games with me majorly, with the hot/cold attitude. I'm trying so hard not to react to it, but my nerves are shot from it.

Compared to some abuse you guys have/are dealing with this probably sounds like nothing but I didn't know where to turn.

And I do feel for you ladies that are going through such a tough time!!!!

Thanks for reading and letting me vent :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
free2bme

Welcome Limbo!

This is a fantastic place and you will definately benefit yourself here. What you are going thru is not 'nothing'. It's abuse. Plain and simple. Any abuse is a hardship. Please keep posting and venting all you want and don't feel guilty about it or feel that you are whining. You're not.

This is a very good step in the right direction for you by writing here. I'm sorry you are in this situation but so glad you found this place.

Linny :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
blackbird

Welcome, Limbo.

Your story is a sad one; please don't diminish it. Verbal abuse is incredibly destructive.

In my case, there was some physical and sexual abuse, but the verbal and emotional abuse was the most damaging of all.

Bruises and broken bones mend far faster than broken hearts.

Hang in there,

Blackbird

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stormy

Welcome Limbo! :this is abuse::not your fault:

My observations and comments are below:

He said he didn't want another fat wife (he only wants you for your looks/body? What happens when you get old, wrinkled, ill?? Is he going to throw you away then?)

and until I made more money. (Does money = worth to him? Actually, I think this is just a half-baked excuse to get out of a committment.)

Over time he made some very bad busness choices and went into debt...about $350,000 sinking it into the business. (Heh...then he isn't worth much based on the above. This is not your problem!!).

Now the rules have changed and I'm suppose to fix it. (You aren't married because you don't earn enough, and yet you're responsible for fixing his debt issue? Uhhh. no. You are not...either married or responsible for his debts. In this case, him dragging his feet at being married is a huge plus!)

but about every 1 1/2 months he goes off on me big time. (His stress builds up and he needs to release(spew) it. On the easiest and safest target...the woman who loves him and who he is sure will tolerate it).

According to him everything is my fault.... (Of course it is, if it wasn't, then he'd have to actually look at his OWN soul and actions and take responsibility, but as long as he has you to offload on, he can duck doing so).

I don't make enough money... (to support his bad business decisions)

it's my fault he works so hard .... (it's certainly not because he keeps messing up and having to fix it! /sarcasm)

he doesn't have certain clothes cleaned (pick pick)

I'm always running the washer and dryer (pick pick)

he always finds something I have missed. (And if it weren't these things, it would be something else. It will ALWAYS be something...even if he has to make it up!!)

He trashes the house (disrespectful and rude)

and the process starts all over again the next morning. (And will for as long as you're with him).

I also have been self-employed part time & work out of the house, but that doesn't count for him (You could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and it wouldn't count. It's not you, it's HIM).

He's playing the head games with me majorly. (This sort of behavior allows him to control you)

I'm trying so hard not to react to it, but my nerves are shot from it. (Which is the idea...if he can keep you off balance, then it's much easier to keep you in line. If you continue not to react, he'll just up the ante or change tactics. Getting a reaction is his proof that what he's doing is working.).

This is not love, or equality, or a partnership. He is not treating you as an equal or as worthy of his honor, respect, and kindness. And you ARE worthy of all of those things!! You do not have to settle for anything less. Any behavior that diminishes you intentionally, and repeatedly, IS abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse are hard to understand because you can't SEE the proof so easily. But abuse is abuse, nevertheless.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Limbo

Hello Linny, Blackbird & Stormy,

Thanks so much for yor replies. I just got a chance to get back on here and he's due home any minute. I'm actually dreading it.

Everything you guys said makes sense, and I thank you for it. I do see a lot of what you are saying, just don't know how to react to it?

He seems to play on all my weaknesses, so there is some truth to what he says.

I need to make money and be self sufficient, but nothing seems to work. I've had anxiety disorder for over 20 years, which is 90% under control, but it does limit me with the job situation. On top of that I'm still getting over Lymes disease. I have been a massage therapist for 17 yrs so it has really ended my career.

I have an ebay store to supplement my pt job here (msg), but it is just not working. He keeps checking every day to see if I am selling anything yet and re-enforcing what a screw up I am. Hard not to take that to heart.

I just thought, what can I do that would work around my present job, allow me to be home to keep up with the house and yard and bring in more money??? I'm becoming "frozen" afraid to make any move and it be the "wrong one" . I put a lot of time, effort and research into the store, before I started it and failed again.

I have to get out of this mental rut. I'm so afraid I will lose my temper and just start whaling on him. It has only happened one other time when I snapped and it actually made a world of difference, but scared me to lose control like that! I'm not a confrontational person but do have my limit.

ok got to go thanks so much you guys....

Hugs!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Curly

:welcome to: Limbo

Something most people who experience abuse tend to do is to minimise rather than exaggerate the abuse. It really does not matter if the abuse you experience is not as bad as someone else or not. What matters is that it is having a negative impact on your life causing you distress and unhappiness.

From what you wrote I would say that :this is abuse: and :not your fault:

Please join us in the Main Forum where you can more readily discuss the issues that concern you and start figuring out what you want to or need to do about it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Limbo

Morning Curly,

Thanks for the email and support. It felt better last night just venting on here. It was the same hot/cold head games last night and this morning. He didn't even say goodbye when he left this morning. Typical for him when he wants to "punish" me. Hell of a positive way to start the day!

I haven't had time to find my way around this site yet but will look now for the main forum you mentioned.

Once again thank you and the other women....makes me feel like I'm not so alone :)

Hugs!!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×