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Guest Dani82

My story in part

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Guest Dani82

Where to begin, I am not too sure.

I have just turned 18, in my life, all of my family have either abused me physically, sexually, emotionally, or been apart of it.

I can remember being abused sexually as young as 3 years, I learnt very quickly that the only thing that mattered to my family was silence on the out side.

By the time I was 5 and started primary school, there were 2 rules, 1 was putting on a face where everyone believed that i was a well and adjusted child, and having everyone think what a wonderful family i have, and how caring everyone is. The 2nd, was to keep quiet , and never to speak about what was happening behind closed door.

After any occasions where my dad or uncles and abused me sexually or physically, they would always blame me and tell me that i had asked for it, but then they would go out by me gifts, give me treats and money, and tell me how special I am. This would just make me even more confused. In one breath they are saying how nasty, and selfish I am, and then in the next, how great i have been, and how much i mean to them. In these times, they would always say that they are sorry, but next time i need to do what they asking me to do.

All of this was happening before i started school, i didn't understand then what was happening, I grew up to believe that this was normal, this is the way families are.

Even when i became older, I still believed that this was normal, even when at school there were always teachers talking about safety, what's ok, and not ok. I guess I believed that they must be lying or something, because what they were saying was very different to what my family had me believing.

When I was 12 years old, and my dad, my uncle trying to force themselves onto me, because i was shouting at them to stop my dad broke my arm, and held me down while my uncle raped me. Because i was screaming so much, my mum came in, and said for me to grow up and take it, then she just stood there, laughed and watched on while my uncle and my dad were hurting me in this way. At first they refused to get me medical attention, but then my dad said that they have to, they don't want outside people thinking that we are not a loving family, but it was strictly under the condition i kept my mouth shut and let him do all the talking. When we got to the hospital, when the doctor came into see me, the doctor began asking me all the questions, of what happened, and where i was, but the second i would go to open my mouth, my dad would take over, say stuff like, oh, Dan's shy, she won't talk to anyone she doesn't know, then he would take over and do all the talking.

Then at 14 my dad got me pregnant, but i didn't find out until i was 6 months, so any options that i may have had were no longer available to me.

At 7 mths pregnant I could no longer hide it, my parents found out, and began calling every name that they could think of. Shortly after that my dad found out that it was his, began making threats, saying that i need to lie and say it somebody elses. Too many people began to ask questions, my dad totally lost it, beating me to the point where i couldn't stand up, and i passed out. I don't remember much after that except waking up at the hospital, my dad had already told them that i had been out and gotten myself into a fight. After checking everything over, my dad got what he wanted, he managed to kill my baby, I had to give birth to this dead baby, but when she came out she was bruised all over, you could barely recognise her.

Even though all this was going on, I still had to keep my mouth shut, there was always someone with me, if i looked like i was going to open up about something I would be given this look, then i would go back into myself, and pretend that everything is ok and that my family is as wonderful as they come across.

after all this was happening , the only way I could cope and not give up on life was to find something i could focus on, for me that was my schooling.

At 15 the school called my parents into the office, the whole time they were looking at me as if to say what have i done now? I wasn't sure, but when i was sitting there with my parents and the school principle, he started going on about what a wonderful job my parents have done in bringing me up, and how he thinks that if i stay where i am, i am going to get bored with the work, and become lazy.

That as the school doesn't want that to happen he told my parents that he wanted to move me up from year 9 to year 11, as i have shown that i can handle the work and that i can find something to be a challenge.

For me I didn't want that and i was trying to get my a attention, and when i did i shook my head and said it's not for me, and i want to remain where i am. Basically because it wasn't something i wanted, my dad told the principle to go for it, and how proud he is of me. The thing is when he was saying how proud he was of me, it made me feel sick to my stomach, and i felt that i had no one that i could turn to.

For my family, this was the best thing that could happen for them, because my friends were always asking why i never invite them to my home, or why when i am with them that i always leave early, my family became aware of all the questions and began threatening me even more.So for them moving me up would be great, because i don't know anyone and would have to start again.

All i could do was get through, and focus on my work. At 16 I finished school and got into university, and my family say its all a fluke , because i am dumb, and i'll never amount to anything. I guess for a while i believed them, i stll do, even though i am now in my 2nd year of uni.

You would think by now at 18 i should no better. the thing is I do know better but there is not much i can do about it.

I'm really sorry that this is so long. But i thought to give people a better idea of what is going on is to be open. It's not everything, there are some things, well a lot of things that i probably will never be able to talk about.

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percolate

(((Dani82)))

I am so sorry that you've been abused by the people who should have protected you.

You're hardly dumb if you're in your second year at uni! Are you still living at home? And does your university have any counseling services? If so, you may want to talk to them for additional support.

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joansdaughter

{{{dani}}} so sorry that the people who should have comforted and gave you safety were the ones abusing you. can you stay away from your family? IMHO you need to lose contact with them and start to become a healthy adult. get in DV counseling and talk about this terrible ordeal. silence is what keeps us stuck in the cycle of abuse. heal and then become an advisory for others. you might even become a key speaker on abuse and go from place to place talking about your triumph.

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blackbird

((((((Dani)))))))

Every child deserves to be loved and protected. I'm so sorry you were one of the unfortunate ones that did not get the fair start in life you so deserved.

It takes courage to post what you've shared with us. I hope you find that, as you share things that are uncomfortable, you're able to let go of the shame you may feel and put it where it rightfully belongs - on them. You've done nothing wrong. You were a vulnerable child and they took advantage of your vulnerability.

I agree with the others. Search for support from counselors that understand the nature of abuse. They can help you along your journey to escape and healing.

:2:

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free2bme

Hi Dani! (((((((((((((((((((((Dani))))))))))))))))))))))

I read this a couple of days ago and I could have sworn I posted on your thread but I guess I didn't. I am very proud of you, being so young and taking control of your life in such a positive way. Awesome! Maybe I posted on another one of your threads somewhere, because it seems I told you that I was in an abusive family growing up too......hmmpft?

I was at a DV shelter today with Lis and it sure did trigger a lot for me, about growing up. It's going to be wonderful for Lis and I think it will be for you too. There's so many confusing and conflicting emotions with abuse and we all need assistance to work thru it. Take advantage of it all. It's really, really hard, but it's so worth it. My xneighbor met us there this morning and she has two little ones. She is a totally different person 1 1/2 years later living at the safe house. They have helped her tremendously to gain control over her life for the first time, EVER. She was abused growing up and then later by her xhusband. She's 27 years old. I'm 47 and am finally getting stuff out over my childhood. Don't let it eat you up like I did. Get all the support you can get out there. That's my 2 cents worth.

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dani87

hi dani82 im so sorry for what happened to you, you are an inspiration to me.... You make me realise that you can still keep moving after feeling so much pain i know i dont know you me but im so proud to hear that you are doing the the things that your doing i have been abused also but instead of trying to move forward i have just sat and waited for the pain to go away and your story made me realise that i have to pick myself up and move forward one step at a time thankyou xx dani87

(((Dani82)e))

I am so sorry that you've been abused by the people who should have protected you.

You're hardly dumb if you're in your second year at uni! Are you still living at home? And does your university have any counseling services? If so, you may want to talk to them for additional support.

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Guest Dani82
hi dani82 im so sorry for what happened to you, you are an inspiration to me.... You make me realise that you can still keep moving after feeling so much pain i know i dont know you me but im so proud to hear that you are doing the the things that your doing i have been abused also but instead of trying to move forward i have just sat and waited for the pain to go away and your story made me realise that i have to pick myself up and move forward one step at a time thankyou xx dani87

Hi Dani87,

I'm also sorry to hear that you've been abused. I know how hard it is going through it everyday, i would never wish that upon anyone.

I'm not sure that i'm moving on, i might be in my second year of uni, but I have only just turned 18, and not many real estate agents are willing to even look at a young person who has no rental history, so the answer to your question is yes i still do live at home, and for some reason i'm not strong enough to stop him from hurting me. You would think by now, i would at least have the courage to stand up to them.

When i read that you have to pick yourself up, i think you are being too hard on yourself, you can't just pick yourself up and move on, it's a process, and even i am not there yet.

I struggle everyday, if it's not flashbacks, it's panick attacks, if it's not panick attacks it's nightmares, all of this means i am not coping as well as i wish i could., There are days where i wish i could just not be here anymore and give up, as that would be a lot easier for me than having to endure the things that these men do to me on a daily basis.

Thankyou for your support.

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Bewitched

Oh, Dani. My heart goes out to you. :2:

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Bewitched

I looked at my post, and it is not enough. But I don't know what else to say. I have many wishes for you....and they all start with getting away from those toxic people who don't deserve to be a family to you. :(

At 18, I went to a Sexual Assault Clinic. I was stunned to learn I wasn't the only one. Isolation is a tool abusers use to keep us in check, and themselves safe. I urge you, Dani, to break free from this - regardless of what it takes. Screw them - get out of this. I know you feel you can't. But as soon as you can, do it. I know you've also said you can't go to the cops (in the main forum)....what would you tell me if I was you? :2:

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Tree

((((((((Dani82))))))))) Thankyou for sharing your story

I've said it before in your other thread and I'll say it again ~ you are so very strong. You have been living through the worst kind of nightmare for 15 yrs and yet you still manage to do what matters to you (staying in contact with your friends, staying in work and studies). What you've been through is akin to the trauma of being in a warzone. You need caring long-term support and counselling to help you get past it. I hope so much that you find that kind of support in you life. You deserve every bit of kindness that comes your way. We are all here for you Dani and will be cheering you on in your journey toward safety.

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OrangeTea
((((((((Dani82))))))))) Thankyou for sharing your story

I've said it before in your other thread and I'll say it again ~ you are so very strong. You have been living through the worst kind of nightmare for 15 yrs and yet you still manage to do what matters to you (staying in contact with your friends, staying in work and studies). What you've been through is akin to the trauma of being in a warzone. You need caring long-term support and counselling to help you get past it. I hope so much that you find that kind of support in you life. You deserve every bit of kindness that comes your way. We are all here for you Dani and will be cheering you on in your journey toward safety.

Wow, Dani, I don't know what to say. No child deserves to be treated the way your "family" has treated you -- they are so utterly undeserving of that title! You sound like a strong, intelligent and caring young woman. I hope that you can soon escape from the hell that is your family home so that you can start living the wonderful life that you are meant to live.

((((((((((((Dani)))))))))))

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