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Chloe

Angry and depressed

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Chloe

I just need to get this out, no one needs to reply.

I'm so fed up right now. My depression is really getting to me, it's dragging me down further and further. I went to my support group yesterday and bawled my eyes out. So embarassing. They asked me if I was safe :( sigh ..... I assured them I am, I have dark thoughts but won't action them.

The dark cloud of depression is following me around. I'm crying, a lot. The counsellor on Friday said I must allow myself to cry and she could see I don't like crying, and I don't .... she asked is it because I feel once I start I won't be able to stop. Yes. But I cried all the way to the meeting yesterday, in the meeting, and on the way home and most of last night! Jeeezuz.

I'm angry too, really angry. I'm angry at the person I called my 'best friend'. She's completely abandoned me. She hasn't called or seen me in nearly 2mths. I gave up contacting her, my calls go unanswered and she doesn't return my messages. I hear through a mutual friend what she's up to. Getting drunk, picking up men, acting like a 20yo in general. She's always been slack with contact but this time has really proved to me how little she cares. She clearly doesn't give a flying f*ck about me. I've always been there for her. I used to live just around the corner. Apparently it was a friendship of convenience as now I'm 45mins away, it's too hard, she can't be bothered. Nice. Makes me feel lovely. I'm SO pi$$ed off!! A part of me wants to scream and yell at her, another part just wants to forget her. Sigh.

I'm just sh!thouse right now. I hate this, I hate this. As Robbie Williams says "I don't wanna die, but I aint keen on living either" ..... sums it up pretty well for me. I'm sick sick sick of being in pain too. Every single goddamn day I'm in pain. It's exhausting .... I'm exhausted from struggling all the bl00dy time. Just want to sleep all day but can't sleep well anyway.

Thank god for my babies, they keep me alive. They give me a reason to keep going..my heart and soul on 4 legs.

Better try and sleep, it's 2:30am ....

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blackbird

I'm so sorry, Chloe. As painful as it is, its better to cut loose the people that don't add something real and positive to your life, to make room for those that can.

Hug your kids a little bit longer today.

n4838883750_496.jpg

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free2bme

I'm so sorry you feel this way Chloe. I know how you feel when it comes to friends. I've been disillusioned many times in my life. I'm more careful now and try not to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore, (if I have the right meaning of this phrase). I gave too much of myself, is what I mean. I still do to a degree but I hold back more now. I give people a chance to prove their loyalty before I 'Jump in' a friendship.

It's very hurtful when a friend can turn off so easy like that. It tends to make me wonder what's wrong with me. But I think the question really is, what's wrong with them? It sounds like your friend has some baggage herself, that she's not handling very well, at that.

I hope your day gets better...

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Lorelei

Sweetie, your "best friend" sounds like an immature jerk. I'm sorry.

She isn't worth ONE tear, but I know you're feeling crummy, and abandoned, and bereft, and all that.

Maybe you would feel better if you called her up and told her what a stinking waste of oxygen she is?

And how you're so tragically disappointed that a so-called "friend" couldn't even spend a dime to call?

And how you could use some support, but you hear she's out slutting around acting like a 20 year old?

And that would most likely end that so-called "friendship," but maybe you'd feel better?

Or, if you prefer, just get it out here and tell us. Okay?

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Chloe

Thank you, friends.

Maybe you would feel better if you called her up and told her what a stinking waste of oxygen she is?

And how you're so tragically disappointed that a so-called "friend" couldn't even spend a dime to call?

And how you could use some support, but you hear she's out slutting around acting like a 20 year old?

ahh tempting hun, very tempting. Pointless really.

I think I need to write it out here, write out a letter I'll never send

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Chloe

Dear ____________

I'm sad, disappointed and angry at your complete lack of friendship. Sadly, I'm not all that surprised. I've always struggled with your slack "oh that's just me" attitude to not returning calls and messages. Now, quite frankly I've realised it really comes down to a total lack of care or interest. At the end of the day .. you would make the effort if you wanted to, so clearly you don't want to.

I was shocked and horrified when I heard you ended up in hospital thinking you were having a heart attack, only to be told it was from "excessive alcohol" .... WTF were you thinking to drink for 24hrs, actually more like 48hrs, straight!? So you end up in hospital, in massive amounts of pain, thinking you were going to die, then only 2 nights later are back to getting drunk. Unbelievable. The 'funny' thing about it is that if that had been me that did that, you would've come down on me like a tonne of bricks!! It's been one incident after another and from what I hear from the person closest to you, you're taking absolutely no responsibility for anything and only care about how 'hot' people think you look .... really???

You were apparently so happy when I moved here, thought it was a great idea, encouraged me etc. You've come here once since then and even then seemed in a hurry to go, no doubt to go home and get pi$$ed again. It's pretty sad really. You haven't rung me here once, not once. When I've rung you, you never answer, if I leave a message, you never call back. I've heard every excuse in the book, especially "I didn't get it" .... umm funny how everyone else gets my messages huh!?!?!?!?

I've really come to realise now you don't give a flying fluck about me, and perhaps you never really did. It was convenient when I lived around the corner wasn't it? You could call on me (often!) to pick up your kids when you were late, when they were sick, when you were too drunk to drive. Yep, convenient. Where were you when my relationship ended? When he once again abused the living crap out of me? Where were you when I had to pack up my house and move? Where were you ??????????????????????????? You say you love me, pfft that's not love. Love seems to be easy to say for you, perhaps it's just a word to you. I did love you, I thought you were my friend, friendship shouldn't be hard though, and this is hard and heartbreaking.

I get angry with you too, that you're so phoey determined to never do the 'hard yards', to never take the time to look at yourself and evaluate when you may have gone wrong, what you can do differently in the future. You just get out of one relationship, apply a band aid (booze, sex etc) then jump straight into another one. You're so afraid of being alone, you've never ever been single, you have no idea.

I know I'm not the only one you do this to, the ignoring calls and messages thing you do. Your ex spoke to me about it, he hated it, yet you blame him for everything that went wrong. Where's the accountability? If I ever hear you say "I don't say sorry" or "I'm always right" one more time .... I swear *#*#*#*#*#*#*#*# gee that's narcissistic. You're actually proud of the fact that you never say sorry? You weren't even sorry when you attacked me the night I'd returned from seeing my Dad have his cancer surgery, you thought you had every right to have a go at me, at that very moment, no doubt because you'd had god knows how many wine's. You decide you need to confront someone and off you go, no thought for consequences, or compassion or even flucking timing!!

How would you have felt if I'd rung you the day after you got out of hospital with alcohol poisoning that was SELF INFLICTED and told you that, told you "well this is self inflicted, you need to get your sh#t together" oh boy would the shti have hit the fan then!! Apparently to you, it's 'bad luck'... hmmm d e n i a l.

God, I'm just at a loss for words now. It's really sad when someone has been a big part of your life for so many years just shows how little they care. Perhaps you're doing me a favour, I don't need this toxic sh*t in my life. God knows I had enough with the ex!!!!!

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Lorelei

I like your letter! It helped your sort your thoughts.

Put like you did, it's apparent this woman is a real dirtbag. Selfish, probably abusive herself! I mean, "I never say I'm sorry," and "I'm always right" are hallmarks of personality disorder! Plus, she's a self-abusing, avoidant, alcholic.

In retrospect, you see that she never did anything for you, only used you. Your pay-off from the relationship was feeling that she "loved" you, and that you were needed and appreciated by her. Now your realize it was a sham.

Chloe, it's not unusual when one abusive relationship ends (i.e. your ex) to realize that you have had more than one abusive relationship if your life! It can come as a real shock to see the patterns of abuse that we have tolerated and accepted from many people! INCLUDING, often, our dear families of origin!

It does pretty much shatter our world image, you know? No wonder you're crying a lot. It sucks. The only sliver of light in that dark cloud is that you can say "the blinders are off!" and "there is nowhere to go from here but UP!"

Be kind to yourself sweetheart, you've been badly battered (emotionally) and need time to mourn, regroup, and start the long road back to healing. You've got some powerful assets: number one is YOURSELF! Your unique, wonderful, loving and intelligent self. Do I sound like Pollyana to say count your blessings? Health? a job? a warm, dry, safe home? Loving fur-babies who adore you? A therapist, group, a car that runs?

I'm so glad for you that you do have IRL support, your therapist and your group. That's so valuable.

And though it's painful and disheartening, I do have to think that knowing the truth is better than continuing to live with abuse.

Your female "friend" described here was at the very least selfish and was using you.

At worst, she sounds abusive. The incident with your father's death was inexcusable.

I'm sure there were other incidents and warning signs along the way.

Perhaps moving 45 minutes away from her was very much a blessing! How much harder it may have been to have "boundaries" with this POS humanoid when he had proximity and access to you! That mere 45 minute drive has brought pain to you, but also clarity.

Hugs, Lorelei

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Lorelei

Oh, and I might add that I think ANGER is very appropriate!

After six months to a year of sadness and mourning when my abusive love relationship ended, I was "mad as h*ll" for another good year, and held onto my anger and grudge and bitterness for another three years. I do NOT recommend that as a pattern for healing for other people, but that was the road I travelled.

And I too, saw that it wasn't just that one relationship with the ex! There was a whole pattern of people treating me shabbily in my life, MOST of them past lovers and fiances, etc! I'd gone from one to the next without ever really recognizing the abuse, or thinking I deserved better, or changing MY patterns that led me to these situations. Oh yeah, that's really depressing!

Like "what the f88k was I thinking??????" and "My whole life could have been different, what a waste!!!"

Kinda sucks. Yep. Takes time Chloe, takes time.

More hugs: Lorelei

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Chloe
I like your letter! It helped your sort your thoughts.

Put like you did, it's apparent this woman is a real dirtbag. Selfish, probably abusive herself! I mean, "I never say I'm sorry," and "I'm always right" are hallmarks of personality disorder! Plus, she's a self-abusing, avoidant, alcholic.

In retrospect, you see that she never did anything for you, only used you. Your pay-off from the relationship was feeling that she "loved" you, and that you were needed and appreciated by her. Now your realize it was a sham.

Self abusing, avoidant alcoholic...yes you're right! I think one of the reasons I'm sooo d a m n angry is the total non-accountability. I'm really big on accountability, even with myself, well especially with myself probably. I do NOT understand how someone can go through life thinking they're always right, but also never acknowledging they're own faults and errors. It frustrates me immensely .... hmm this rings bells ie ex a-hole.

Chloe, it's not unusual when one abusive relationship ends (i.e. your ex) to realize that you have had more than one abusive relationship if your life! It can come as a real shock to see the patterns of abuse that we have tolerated and accepted from many people! INCLUDING, often, our dear families of origin!

I'm really finding that true. Thank you for saying that hun, I wondered if I was/am being hypercritical. Sadly, I've had quite a few abusive relationships in my life and yes including FOO ones.

It does pretty much shatter our world image, you know? No wonder you're crying a lot. It sucks. The only sliver of light in that dark cloud is that you can say "the blinders are off!" and "there is nowhere to go from here but UP!"

Be kind to yourself sweetheart, you've been badly battered (emotionally) and need time to mourn, regroup, and start the long road back to healing. You've got some powerful assets: number one is YOURSELF! Your unique, wonderful, loving and intelligent self. Do I sound like Pollyana to say count your blessings? Health? a job? a warm, dry, safe home? Loving fur-babies who adore you? A therapist, group, a car that runs?

I do feel shattered, literally. I feel unstable if that makes sense, as if the world as I knew it no longer exists. I seem to attract abusive people to me .... this makes me feel really unsure of myself. You're right though, I do have a lot to be thankful for .... just today my sweet neighbour (who I've become friends with) asked me over for a cuppa and chat and it was so nice to have the company and I told her I was upset about this 'friend' and she said "that's no friend, I'LL be your best friend" so sweet.

I'm so glad for you that you do have IRL support, your therapist and your group. That's so valuable.

And though it's painful and disheartening, I do have to think that knowing the truth is better than continuing to live with abuse.

Your female "friend" described here was at the very least selfish and was using you.

At worst, she sounds abusive. The incident with your father's death was inexcusable.

I'm sure there were other incidents and warning signs along the way.

Perhaps moving 45 minutes away from her was very much a blessing! How much harder it may have been to have "boundaries" with this POS humanoid when he had proximity and access to you! That mere 45 minute drive has brought pain to you, but also clarity.

I feel blessed I found the support group, even though it's nearly an hour from where I am living now, which means 2hrs travelling just to go, it's so worth it, it's so comforting, it's like my soft place to fall. Something I haven't felt for a long time. I'm going to make a time to see the Counsellor one on one also, she encouraged me to do so, and I feel I really need to right now.

It's funny, yes the moving has helped me in setting boundaries with this girl. When I was literally around the corner it was a lot harder to do so. I got to the point where when the phone rang at say 4:30-5pm I thought "oh bugger, I bet that's her asking me to pick the kids up again" .... I was feeling a bit used about it all. Yes there have been lots of other examples over the years.

The sad thing is, she can be a good friend, she has been at times. I think it's the grog that's making her super selfish right now, and she seems determined to not acknowledge the problem.

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Chloe

Oh, and I might add that I think ANGER is very appropriate!

Thank you!! It's funny, the first time I said "I'M ANGRYYYY!!!" at group, they all applauded lol. I've never been good with anger, absolutely horrible at expressing it and always turned it inward. I seem to be getting better at expressing it, even though I'm still not really comfortable with it as such, I guess it's a step in the right direction. Anger after all is an emotion, like any other.

After six months to a year of sadness and mourning when my abusive love relationship ended, I was "mad as h*ll" for another good year, and held onto my anger and grudge and bitterness for another three years. I do NOT recommend that as a pattern for healing for other people, but that was the road I travelled

This does concern me, I could do the same. How do we let it go?? Keep expressing it healthily? I clench and grind my teeth when I'm angry, which of course leads to constant headaches, so I'M the one suffering **sigh**

And I too, saw that it wasn't just that one relationship with the ex! There was a whole pattern of people treating me shabbily in my life, MOST of them past lovers and fiances, etc! I'd gone from one to the next without ever really recognizing the abuse, or thinking I deserved better, or changing MY patterns that led me to these situations. Oh yeah, that's really depressing!

Like "what the f88k was I thinking??????" and "My whole life could have been different, what a waste!!!"

Kinda sucks. Yep. Takes time Chloe, takes time.

More hugs: Lorelei

I too can relate to this. I've thought back to another relationship in particular, and although not as bad as ex a-hole, that particular guy was definitely abusive also. Hindsight is a wonderful thing .... the red flags were apparent verrry early on with that guy. Well, now I'm well aware of the red flags, maybe too aware lol.

YES god how many times have I said to myself lately "WTF was I thinking", even last night I was thinking about the night I met up with ex a-hole, when he was hoovering me back .... jeeeeeZUZ there were red flags there again (of course) and I was BLIND to them, all I heard was the good stuff ..... arggghghghghghghg!!!!!! "Wake up Australia!!"

Thanks so much Lorelei, it really really helps knowing I'm not alone in these feelings.

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Sylvia

Just thinking of you, dear.

I'm kinda hanging at the end of my rope right now too, so all I got are all my good thoughts and all my hugest hugs being sent to you across the miles.

:wub: :wub: :wub: ((((((( Hang in there, Chloe ))))))) :wub: :wub: :wub:

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Chloe
Just thinking of you, dear.

I'm kinda hanging at the end of my rope right now too, so all I got are all my good thoughts and all my hugest hugs being sent to you across the miles.

:wub: :wub: :wub: ((((((( Hang in there, Chloe ))))))) :wub: :wub: :wub:

Thank you sweet friend, we're hanging together ;)

I feel weird today as it's that girls birthday. I feel torn, mean if I don't acknowledge it but then why would I, she hasn't even acknowledged my existence for months!!??

arggghh ....

I'm blessed too, the Counsellor from my wonderful support group rang me yesterday, we had a great chat, she's just wonderful.

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Sylvia
I'm blessed too, the Counsellor from my wonderful support group rang me yesterday, we had a great chat, she's just wonderful.

Garner all the support you can from every corner, Chloe. You are going to make it through. I know it.

XXXXX OOOOO

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Chloe
Garner all the support you can from every corner, Chloe. You are going to make it through. I know it.

XXXXX OOOOO

Thank you sweetheart, ditto for you!

I'm annoyed because it appears a mutual friend (who is really close to this girl) is now ignoring me too!! He will be angry with me for not acknowledging her birthday .... hrrrmmmmmmmm

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bix

Thanks for sharing this Chloe.

I think I'm similar to you with anger. I'm really bad at feeling it in a healthy way and also expressing it. I also hate hate hate crying. For me it has absolutely no therapeutic value. I have never cried and felt 'better' afterwards! LOL.

I hope you don't mind but I wanted to share my thoughts about venting and anger (sorry it's so long).

I went through a phase in my life feeling so so bitter. Your post reminded me how therpeutic I find it to vent out every last nastiest thing I can think of to say about the person or situation that I am angry about.

Several years ago, I had been holding in so much anger and resentment towards my In-laws for years and I suddenly typed up every single unfair thing that I'd been put through. It was like I had unleashed the devil. It just came flowing out of me non stop for about 3 hours. (kinda like that automatic writing you hear about). Finally it was done. When I read it back I shocked myself with the venom and fury that came out. I let it all out using the most cutting and sarcastic language and cursing I could think of to express how I TRULY felt inside! I gave myself completely free reign.

When I read it back I realized 3 things:

First. I was shocked at the intensity of my feelings and sheer depth of my anger that was jumping out at me. I read and re read it over and over. As I re read it again and again I found it enormously satisfying because I had given myself permission to say EXACTLY how I felt with absolutely no holds (or bad language) barred. I gave no consideration for anybody else's feelings nor cared about what I should or shouldn't say. I JUST SAID IT! It was so so satisfying. I've never been a 'cutter' but I've always imagined that that is how people who cut feel. That satisfaction of having the strength of their feelings so perfectly expressed. (fortunately I am able to do this to my own satisfaction with my words - i.e. I don't need to cut - but I sure do understand the logic behind cutting)

Then the novelty of the satisfaction I got from such a perfect expression of my bitterness and anger started to wane on each read-through and then I started to get a slight sense of the whole thing being maybe just a little bit exaggerated and melodramatic.

Then as I read and re read some more I started to chuckle at some of the most perfect put-downs and scathing sarcasm that I think I've ever read! It was actually quite amusing in places! (certainly couldn't have been further from feeling 'amused' when I wrote it - I was furiously ANGRY!)

Second: My second reaction after getting to the "actually it's sorta funny when it's written down" stage was. Thank GOD I didn't say all this to their face - it's way way over the top and would have probably damaged my relationship with them beyond repair. I'd often been so tempted to just "let 'em have it" and just blow up at them - I was very very glad I hadn't.

Third: My third and final reaction was that finally once all the drama and intensity of my feelings was expressed and out of my head so to speak I was then actually able to calmly examine the FACTS and decide exactly what my In-laws were doing that was so offensive to me. And in all honesty they were being kind of obnoxious at times but I realized that NOT ONCE had I had the guts to tell them directly how I felt. Instead I'd just stewed in my own juices of unspoken resentment. So I was really partly to blame. So I practiced on my own exactly how I could ask for what I wanted as tactfully as I could. (This was enormously terrifying for me for some reason). But I did IT! and it went well and they changed their behavior. Although things were a bit strained and awkward for a while because the normally good natured easy going Bix had dared to "NO". I truly thought they'd never speak to me again or something - confonting them had become like a phobia where something terrible might happen if I did it.

This whole excersie for me was very very therapeutic it was a real purging. Because I had NEVER before given myself PERMISSION to let it all loose. No wonder I was so screwed up inside and bitter. Look at the venom I was carrying around inside my head! Maybe some people can sort things out and get perspective without writing it down - but I can't - not when something is really really upsetting me.

So Chloe what I'm trying to say is first, thanks for sharing this - it's been a wonderful reminder to me of the value of no holds barred venting. Secondly I personally don't find that I can give myself permission to vent as thoroughly and authentically in a forum as I can privately on my own.. (I've tried and I just can't getthat authentic venomous juice flowing - in public! - LOL)and it only works for me if I am completely and totally and utterly 'letting rip' LOLOLOL.

Chloe, did venting about your friend here give you any peace or perspective about it? Maybe you could do a private WP vent and let out out what you REALLY think. I'm talking dig deep girl!

Oh and the other thing this has reminded me about is that I learned the hard way to never ever ever vent about myself and my own shortcomings. Having the ability to cut people down to the bleeding quick with my words is NOT a skill that I want to inflict on myself - because I'm too darn effective. And that is where the self hatred and depression lies - so me no do dat any more. LOL!

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Chloe

Thank you so much for your response bix :hug:

I write things out A LOT, it's generally my only outlet for anger etc. I have some really FULL ON stuff I've written too, stuff I'd NEVER show anyone lol, it's full of anger and venom and swear words, all password protected on my laptop lol. It does feel good to get it OUT instead of it festering inside.

I got a call from that 'friend' the other night when I was out at a concert so I didn't get the message til later. I've been really busy and hadn't rung her back and got a call from her and the other friend together yesterday. She acts like nothing has happened, that she hasn't been completely f*cking absent from my life for MONTHS, and couldn't wait to tell me she has a f*ck buddy ....WTF!!?? Really??!!?

I feel another ranting session coming on lol

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blackbird
I feel another ranting session coming on lol

Lay it on us, Chloe, my dear! :wub:

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Chloe
Lay it on us, Chloe, my dear! :wub:

nawww thanks bb :hug:

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Chloe

Well, it gets better, the biatch sent me an abusive email. Nice huh. She certainly hasn't done herself any favours, that's it, I can't think of one reason to be friends with her anymore. She told our mutual friend that she got the feeling I'm upset with her, and said "well f*ck her then", charming huh. The mutual friend told her a few home truths (bad idea) and she needs to pull her socks up when it comes to her friendships and make a phoey effort. All hell broke loose and she told him to f*ck off as well, that SHE has done nothing wrong, and we can all get f*cked.

Charming huh! Yep, here we have a classic abuser.

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free2bme

Hi Chloe,

((((((Chloe)))))))

Who needs friends like that?! You've been vindicated in my opinion. It's too bad but people make their own choices. You're better off without her if those are her true colors. You're a much better class act. You'll make new friends and since you are in a better state of mind, the friends you choose will actually be good for you.

I'm thinking of you,

Linny

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Chloe
Hi Chloe,

((((((Chloe)))))))

Who needs friends like that?! You've been vindicated in my opinion. It's too bad but people make their own choices. You're better off without her if those are her true colors. You're a much better class act. You'll make new friends and since you are in a better state of mind, the friends you choose will actually be good for you.

I'm thinking of you,

Linny

Thank you so much Linny :hug:

Yeah that saying "with friends like these who needs enemies" keeps going through my mind. She seems to believe she's the 'victim' here. Crazy stuff. If I had attacked her the way she did me yesterday, my god, I'd never hear the end of it. Thinking back, nothing has ever truly been resolved when we've had issues in the past, it's a case of me having to be the bigger person and move forwards. I'm at a point in my life now, that I won't and don't want to give anyone permission to treat me like sh!t, it's NOT ok. It's not ok for her to say she's always right and if I don't like it, stiff. That is not ok with me. How can I be friends with someone who refuses to ever ever ever acknowledge any fault of her own, whatsoever and thinks it's ok to always blame others??????//

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blackbird
I'm at a point in my life now, that I won't and don't want to give anyone permission to treat me like sh!t, it's NOT ok.

Good for you!

Make this a time for purging yourself of ALL of the toxic people in your life. Then, you can make room for new friends that will treat you like a beloved sister. I have a very dear friend like that and, because of her, it makes it easy to just let the others go. Who needs their abuse, right?

Hugs to you, Chloe...

:grouphugg:

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joansdaughter

i know it must feel icky that a so called friend is acting that way. it's her loss cause you are probably a very caring person.

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Breno Cardoso Barbosa

who needs friend like that? There's still a lot of people. soo dont be so depressed. :)

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