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tenderheart

Will I ever get "Beyond Abuse?"

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tenderheart

Beyond abuse...the unfairness of what he did...the lies he told, the slandering he did to me...all this...I try to let go...and I think I do...and then something just grips me and sucks me back in.

I have moved out...and moved on in some ways (in fact feel good at certain times)...but maybe only on the surface.

I am suffering somehow inside and can't seem to shake it off...I get very low at times...I feel there is no happiness or joy in my life.

It's a compliation of a failed marriage, guilt for the cruddy childhood my son has had, anger and bitterness toward my son's father (a.k.a.:MORON...who is not my ex abuser but IS most definitley abusive to me and my son...has caused so much dysfunction in my sons mind and now my son is having to deal with his own psychological issues because of it), I am bitter at my ex and angry at God (I suppose...but trying NOT to be...trying to understand that HE is God and knows what He's doing...trying to trust and have faith, go to church, pray etc...) I ask God WHY? I ask God WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN for 17 years of my son's life? WHERE's the bone? Throw us a bone, God....something...anything to keep us holding on. But nothing. Silence. Dead silence and more pain and suffering.

I'm tired of life. I'm just tired and wonder if I will ever find out what my purpose is here on this earth if I can't find it after 43 long years of breathing just so I can be tortured and feel pain, which only gets worse when I have to watch my once sweetheart of a son go through hell which seems almost twice as bad as what I've gone through.

I thought my purpose was my son...but even though he can be a sweet young man...he has potential...he can be very very MEAN too...abusive...verbally abusive. I actually have been a little fearful that he might be bipolar...but don't want to believe that becasue I see so much hope for him if he can just get in the right direction. The psycholgical damage his dad has doe to him seems irreparable...but I don't know. The anger my son has comes to the surface when something big doesn't go his way...then all hell breaks loose.

I fear for his future girlfriend or wife.

I am tired. I wish I was stronger. My friends are all strong...I wish I had their strength. I love them all...but I feel like I can't anymore...I can't take one more slam to the ground.

I feel so alone...alone in raising my son...never had support and never had anyone to help hold me up when I was down...

Nobody understands....so how do I know if I will ever finally finally be set free of the bondage of what my abusive marriage did to me. It really took the wind out of my sails...but also...many other abusive things going on throughout my life...and I can't seem to get free of it....

I am low tonight...so bear with me...I just wish sometimes I could close my eyes and just wake up in heaven...never again to feel the heaviness I've felt in my heart for the past 20 year or more...

I truly feel like a loser...a failure...a nobody.

No need to respond..just really getting this out there. There are no answers...I just have to live this life..and keep trying things in hopes that maybe one day God will throw me and my son a bone...finally. That maybe we will see some promise and hope and taste it...but right...it's been hell...a dry desert for many years.

Thanks for listening.

I wont' apologize for sounding so low or pathetic...because right now..this is where I am. I feel like total crap.

C.

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Chloe

No apology necessary hun. I hear you, and I understand how it feels to be that low. Been there many many times myself. It's good to get it out, to really acknowledge how you're feeling. Everyone is entitled to feel sh*t sometimes. I hope you experience some peace and joy in your life soon, god knows you deserve it.

Here's a little Snoopy quote that I love :hug:

“Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, don't worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede, the famine will end, the sun will shine tomorrow, and I will always be here to take care of you. -Charlie Brown to Snoopy”

:hug005::hug008:

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Rocket

(((((((tenderheart))))))) I hear you, too. There's so much that I'm thankful for, and yet there's so much that still hurts and isn't fixed yet. All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep believing that this will all work out in the end. Keep doing the next right thing (as that very smart young lady says :) )...and then the next...and the next.

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tenderheart

Thanks for your replies.

Still feeling numb...empty...and unsure.

I went to church this morning...and it was a battle for me...because I feel as if God forgot me (us: me and my son) and I'm supposed to keep on with my faith. Yes. I am. I want to. But it's hard. So very hard.

I hardly EVER laugh and although thankful I don't have abusive ex breathing down my throat calling me names and trying to make me crazy...I still somehow find more to be angry about...more to be discouraged about then I do about the things I have. I could make a long list of things I'm thankful for from having a toilet and running water to my job and a roof over my head. It's my heart and its' my son's heart, soul, and mind I'm tortured about. So...

...I'm trying to hold on...by a thread and pray that soon God will finally answer some prayers for happiness and laughter in my son's life and my life. I pray it would be something that will last..and not fleeting. My marriage to ex I thought was the turning point in our lives. I thought FINALLY good things will happen for us...but just as fast as it came, it went.

So...just trying to keep myself hoping and holding on to my faith and trust in God.

C.

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seeker

Wondering how you are TH,

I think sometimes the experiences that we have had are just too big, they change us....... and it can't be undone.

We just need to grow with it and try to stay with ourselves and try to get the joy back into our lives.

It's a tragedy what we've been through and what has happened, yes,

and we're going to keep going and live the best we can despite it.

xxxx RJ

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bix
Wondering how you are TH,

I think sometimes the experiences that we have had are just too big, they change us....... and it can't be undone.

We just need to grow with it and try to stay with ourselves and try to get the joy back into our lives.

It's a tragedy what we've been through and what has happened, yes,

and we're going to keep going and live the best we can despite it.

xxxx RJ

Me too. Wondering if you're OK Tenderheart.

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AuslanGirl

Hugs to you, sweetie!

I DO understand where you are coming from, hun. You know what I do sometimes when I'm feeling alone as like God has just left me to deal with things all by myself? (been going through a bit of that this week, believe it or not!).

I go somewhere-a place where I know nobody can hear me (I do this at home when the kids are all out! LOL!!), and I just YELL at God! That's right! I pitch a HUGE hissy fit, and tell Him exactly how I'm feeling etc etc. It's NOT blasphemy, hun. King David did EXACTLY the same thing! You just have to look in the book of Psalms to see this. I believe this is one of the reasons God said he was a man after God's own heart-because he felt free enough with God to let loose and really tell him how he felt. God already knows, but He WANTS us to feel free enough with Him to be completely ourselves and honest with Him about how we are feeling.

I know and understand that it doesn't feel as though God even cares about you right now, and that God has basically let your ex get away with his lies and that in some ways, He has even VALIDATED your ex and not you, yeah? I mean, he's the one walking around without a single care in the world, and YOU are the one who is left with all the pain and heartbreak and trying to deal with the aftermath of an abusive realtionship.

No, it's NOT fair.

It's NOT right.

But, you know what? And I know it's hard to believe, but the sun WILL shine for you again. You WILL laugh and smile once more. But whatever you do, dDON'T run away from God...right about now, you feel like you want to withdraw from Him and stop going to church and everything to do with Him. Am I right?

Don't do that, k?

Even though it feels like chewing glass, hang in there, with Him, k? Continue to pray to Him, even if all you can do right now, is scream at Him.

Continue reading the Word. Have a look in the Book of Psalms for some of those prayers I was talking about that King David says. There are HEAPS!! He says things like "Why do you allow my enemies to gloat over me? Why have your left me, Lord?"

Most IMPORTANT of all...don't allow yourself to become bitter, k?

I know it is sooo tempting to nurse and rehearse all the wrong things ex has done to you, and it will take YEARS if ever to heal from the hurt and the pain. But if you hold on to it all and refuse to forgive, you will end up like HIM. I know you ARE working on that, and forgiviness doesn't mean forgetting-I HATE it when people try to say that if you have REALLY forgiven someone, then you won't remember what happened. That is a load of crap! God gave us a memory for a reason. The ONLY way we could forget the past is to cut our own head off!! God remembers the past-and there's HEAPS of Scriptures to support that. The difference is that He CHOOSES to not talk about the past again. That takes time! A LOT of time! I'M still not there as yet myself-and this is even though my H and I are together again! I still work through bad memories, and I sometimes struggle with forgiving him for some of the really awful things he did to me and the kids both before and during our seperation.

But, God IS there, and I know He will help me through...just the same as He will help YOU through, k? Even though it doesn't feel as though He is. This is where faith comes in-believing that He sees, and He cares, even whenyou don't feel it!

I really wish I lived near you, hun! I would SO love to be there physically for you during this hard time.

All I can do is give you BIG cyberhugs, and let you know that I will be praying for you and your son.

Hugs!

AuslanGirl :wub:

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miss kat

:animal-smiley-030:

((((((tenderheart))))))

I too have a son 16 and he has taken on the attitude of my "boyfriend" of 6/7 years. He started drinking at 14 from the stress we have been thru. He has settled that down to every month now thanks to God, but he has a temper that worries me so. I feel your pain. My d15 has no faith in men, she is sad for us. If you want to add me as a friend you are welcome. I am 46 and still "in' my bad relationship trying desperately to get 'out'. I have a sympathetic ear and big shoulders :nature-smiley-008:

We probably have a lot in common! :hug005:

Take care

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Vicky

Tender I know this was written awhile ago but wanted to see how you were doing today? So many of us can relate Im sure, more than you know.

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grimalkin

For the record, bipolar doesn't necessarily make you mean-- and even if he is bipolar, life circumstances are what trigger bad bipolar episodes, not the illness itself. Bipolar is inherited. It's not the result of upbringing. Is there a history of it in your family? Borderline personality disorder can make people THINK someone is bipolar, but it is a whole different animal. It causes people to have a fear of intimacy, and that stems from betrayal and abuse in childhood.

I'm bipolar II and believe me, it's not a life sentence, and it doesn't make you mean by default. If you are properly medicated (and you absolutely MUST be medicated), you can live a normal life. Borderline is also treatable, but requires therapy to overcome, not drugs. I hope this was helpful.

Grim

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