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brokienspirit1

how can you feel love and ahte at the same time?

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brokienspirit1

Ok, i'm new and i have no idea what i'm doing. I'm not really sure if i'm even writing in the right place. WHat i do know is, that i need to know that there are other women out there like me. I need to know that i am not crazy and that the emotions and fear i am going through right now are normal. I am a 28 year old woman who was once confident, independent and self assured. I am a survivour of a childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I say survivour because i have not led my life as a victim. I went through meany hurddles, made mistakes but eventually leveled off and came what most would consider a fairly balanced young woman. I bought my own home and bulit a small bussiness. I am the mother of a beautiful little girl. Her father and i are not together but have a good co-parenting relationship. But than i found myself lonely....enter distruction, chaos, love, lust, fear etc. # years ago i met the man i thought i would spend the rest of my life with. He was misterious, kind of a bad seed in my small town. But sexy as hell. and it was like riding a bull ( (not that 've ever ridden a bull!!) but it was one of those tame the beast things. When i look back now there were loads of warning signs, but i know none of youhave time to read all that in one sitting!

I fell hard and fast, and i felt/feel/question that he felt the same. It all cam e so fast and so hard. THe first year was an arrary of excitment, lust, love and all the things that go with new relationships. THAn it started. "P" could spit venom. I'm sure that if you put a lighter to his mouth you could set his words on fire. I truly believe that P could bring the devil to his knees with just his mouth. Unfortuanitly for me it wasen't just his mouth he would use. I haven't yet come to terms with the things P has done to me but i can tell you that slowly but surly i found myself, the "survivour" the victim of domestic violence. First it was a push, than a grab, than a hair pull, than pulling me across tha room by my hair, then choking me, slapping me, spiting at me, bitting me and the last straw, a combo of all the above and topped off with an actual punch in the side of the head. as i write these words i feel like i am writing a script to a movie, or a scene from someone elses life. I will tell you now that P is in jail. I will tell you now that i hate him, and i will tell you now that i cry for him everyday. I feel so hurt so ashamed, so guilty sad and alone that i am having trouble keeping up appearences. keeping things normal at my bussiness and with my daughter. How did this happen to me? WHy did he do this? I threw him out a couple months ago and he stalked me, cried and told me he couldn't live without me....maybe he can't...than when i didn't take him back he came at me with avengence. Hence his being in jail. I CAN"T BELIEVE HE IS IN JAIL! I worry about him. I worry if he's ok in there, and i worry about me, i worry if i'll be ok when he gets out. My heart is broken and so is my spirit. Has anyone experienced a smililar man? i need some advise. I'm so lost.

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homealone

(((((brokienspirit1)))))

Welcome to Our Place. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us. Although my H was never physically violent, my daughter's was, and unfortunately there are many here who have "experienced a similar man". Read, post, and get to know us. You might also want to copy your story onto the main forum where a lot more people will see it.

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Chloe

(((((brokienspirit1)))))

:welcome to:

I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through. Congratulations on having the courage to end it :hug:

All of us here have been abused in one way or another and can relate to and empathise with you.

Share as much or as little as you want, we're here to support you.

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twinn

okay, seeing as how this was back in January that you posted, I'm not sure you'll even see this. but I hope so.

as I was reading your post, it was like reading some of my past with JC.... I left him and went back to him (several times), but one of those times, he did go to jail. I worried about him the whole time he was in there and felt horribly guilty because his mom kept telling me of all the things he was suffering in there.... and how I had ruined his life because jail/arrest would always be on his record.

I did end up leaving him for good. January 3, 2009. honestly, it wasn't by choice. he put me in the hospital (where he actually followed me to and got in a physical altercation with the nurses) and the police made him leave. a lot happened between then and now, but I'm not with him.

the only advice I can give you is: Don't Go Back and Don't Give Up. Ever.

Take care.

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