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NoDaybut2day

Red flags

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NoDaybut2day

After reading someone else's post regarding dating after being in an abusive relationship, I was wondering if I could ask all of you what are your RED FLAGS to avoid being caught up in yet another control/abuse situation. I'm nowhere near ready for any kind of relationship, but I figure in a few years, I might be, once I've forgiven the male species. At that point, I REALLY don't want to be caught in a bad relationship again, but I want to know what signs to look for...

So, lay it on me.

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Oceanblue

*I know that men in general can have a tougher time processing emotions, and a part of them are much more fixers than communicators, but I think it is a red flag if a man cannot handle a woman having negative emotions or crying.

*Unneeded, unwanted criticism

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percolate

Red flags

*Pushing me to do something I don't want to do whether it's trying to kiss me before I'm ready, to go to an event I don't like, etc.

*Pushing me to give up something I enjoy so that I can be with them.

*Offering unsolicited advice/critiisizm regarding the right way to do things. My xh even tried correcting how I ripped checks out of my checkbook.

*Early intense relationship (often followed by a rapid fall from grace)

*Bad-mouthing their ex

*Things that don't check out (I prefer to avoid married men and liars)

*jealousy and checking up on your whereabouts when you're not with him

*Discomfort with communicating feelings, or my having ideas of my own

*Anything that makes me uneasy (I've finally learned to trust my gut)

I've been single a long time after my most recent divorce (10 years) and I must say that paying attention to red flags and what I want out of a relationship has paid off. I've dated much healthier guys, and when I've met someone for coffee and he makes me uneasy for any reason, I don't go out with him again.

I've now been dating someone exclusively for the past 3 months and I'm finally beginning to believe there are no red flags. We've been seeing each other two to three times a week and I've not seen him react inappropriately even when he's gotten stuck in traffic for 2 hours (road rage seems to be common among abusers) or when he had to go home one night at 11:30 pm because his 17 year old son got caught drinking at a football game. And I was impressed that he and his xw sat down together with the boy and outlined a plan for dealing with the situation.

He's never pushed me to do anything I'm uncomfortable with e.g., he's a professional musician and one time when we first started dating mentioned he'd like to play duets with me. Although I play a couple of woodwind instruments, I'm definitely an amatuer and told him that I didn't feel comfortable playing with him until I'd had a chance to do some practicing. He told me to let him know when I was comfortable and he'd bring his keyboard. I have begun playing duets with him and he's never once said anything about my lack of skills or even corrected my rythym or other mistakes. He's simply adjusted (as good accompanists do) and when I've appologized for messing something up, has consistently reminded me that we're playing for fun and not preparing for a performance.

There's also no jealousy on either one of our parts. Or need to check up on where the other person is at or what they are doing. Each of us feels free to go out with our friends or do things we enjoy without the other person.

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free2be

When they dictate to you where to be, when to be there, what to wear, how to do something, etc.

It can be over the tiniest thing, too. For example, when I was on m*atch.com there was a guy who I had exchanged maybe 2 very short emails with. He wanted me to tell him exactly what time I would be online on Sunday (he picked the day) because, as he put it, he "didn't much like playing email tag." So here was a complete stranger ordering me to tell him exactly what time I would be online on the day he chose, all for the sake of HIS convenience because he wanted an immediate response to his emails instead of emailing and waiting for an answer. It may seem like a little thing, but after being married for 14 years to someone who controlled my life down to the smallest detail, even when I could take a shower, anyone who tries to order me to do something, especially if the only reason appears to be that that is what he wants, is a HUGE red flag. Especially if this is a person I don't even know or barely know, like in the early days of a dating relationship. So I ignored that guy and emailed someone else instead, and I'm glad I did because I ended up marrying the second guy and he is as far from being an abuser as a person could possibly be.

When they minimize something good or positive that you've done

This was, literally, one of the first red flags I remember seeing with my first husband although I didn't know what it meant at the time, just that it made me feel funny and left a knot in my stomach. We were going on our second date. We were going to a state park and having a picnic. He had planned it all, made all the food, everything. I thought I would surprise him and made dessert. I still remember what I made, raspberry jam bar cookies. When he picked me up I brought out the plate of cookies and he was surprised, and smiled, and said something about how thoughtful, you know, a nice acknowledgement about what I'd done. Then, I don't even remember how it came up, if he asked me directly, but it came out that i had made them from *gasp* a box mix instead of totally from scratch. As soon as he found that out his whole demeanor changed, his body became stiff, he got a look of contempt on his face, and he said, in a short, curt voice, "Oh." Like, I had committed some great sin. So I felt like I had done something bad, had ruined this great picnic because HE had made his food from scratch and I hadn't. It made me very self-conscious and worried when it came time to eat dessert. There was no reason for his reaction. And it just went downhill from there. He minimized, criticized, and put down just about everything I ever did.

free

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Zeemeeuw

If a man is brittle, if he can't adapt to circumstances very well. For instance if you plan to go to the park and it's raining and he has a fit or gets standoffish or stiff. Or if any small normal life circumstances get in the way of what he wants to do and he has a problem dealing with it. See if he can handle things well or if he has a problem with entitlement, thinking everything has to go perfectly for him. They're on their best behavior in the beginning, aren't we all, but there will be signs.

Zee

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myself_again

Really early red flags that may appear...

When they don't have a good relationship with other women in their lives-- their mother, sisters, etc.

Being rude or condescending to waitresses, store clerks, etc.

Road rage

Talking very negatively about previous girlfriends or wives

Telling you they love you really early in the relationship, like within a few weeks

Those are the major ones that appeared early in my relationship and I wish I had understood what they all meant.

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homealone

Here's an article I read several years ago that has some good pointers.

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Zeemeeuw
When they dictate to you where to be, when to be there, what to wear, how to do something, etc.

It can be over the tiniest thing, too. For example, when I was on m*atch.com there was a guy who I had exchanged maybe 2 very short emails with. He wanted me to tell him exactly what time I would be online on Sunday (he picked the day) because, as he put it, he "didn't much like playing email tag." So here was a complete stranger ordering me to tell him exactly what time I would be online on the day he chose, all for the sake of HIS convenience because he wanted an immediate response to his emails instead of emailing and waiting for an answer. It may seem like a little thing, but after being married for 14 years to someone who controlled my life down to the smallest detail, even when I could take a shower, anyone who tries to order me to do something, especially if the only reason appears to be that that is what he wants, is a HUGE red flag. Especially if this is a person I don't even know or barely know, like in the early days of a dating relationship. So I ignored that guy and emailed someone else instead, and I'm glad I did because I ended up marrying the second guy and he is as far from being an abuser as a person could possibly be.

free

:wub: :wub: :wub:

I really like hearing your happy ending after dropping the first guy, Free!

Zee

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moongoddess

Anger and aggression

– If he has trouble keeping it in check, he’s irrational, violent, and a bit too handy with his fists, be careful that you don’t end up being a human punchbag or being emotionally abused.

Emotionally unavailable

– Something that a lot of women are all too familiar with on this site. These are men that are extremely self absorbed and are incapable of sharing anything of themselves emotionally.

Dodgy attitude towards sex

– Pay attention to guys who don’t know what to do with themselves if they don’t get their ‘medicine’. Some of these will never be satisfied. Also unhealthy attitudes in the bedroom do spill over into other areas of your life and will leave you feeling very insecure.

Irresponsible

– Is he incapable of doing much for himself because he’s a mummy’s boy? Is he irresponsible with life in general – bills, rent, job and borrows money off you? Is he reckless?

Addicted to something

– If you meet someone and they are addicted to something and not aware of it and doing something about it, this will impact on your life greatly if you continue on.

The Controller

– Run like the wind from a man that wants to control you. It won’t let up and the longer you’re with them, the more entrenched he becomes in your life, is the worse he will become. Watch your self esteem walk out the door.

They play victim

– Be careful of anybody that refuses to take any responsibility for their life and blames it on others. You will eventually become one of those ‘others’. People who play the victim and refuse to see their own part to play in things make dubious partners.

Not over the ex

– Not over the ex, not ready for you. Plain and simple.

Problems with past/childhood

– Unfortunately things happen in life and it can be difficult getting over things and dealing with them. Some things have a very lasting effect on people and can impact hugely on future relationships. They of course can be overcome, but failure to acknowledge these issues in the first place and openly deal with them will cause big problems.

Nasty and spiteful

– I am always wary of people who don’t have a good thing to say about anyone and begrudge people their success and revel in their failures. I don’t think it’s the fabric of a good strong character and it’s something to keep an eye on. Mean spirited people don’t stop being so in a relationship and may attack your self esteem by latching on to what they think are flaws in you.

*hugs*

MG :nature-smiley-001:

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Quaddie

Here are just a few...

- If they ignore you.

- If they get mean when they drink (reveals what they really are)

- If they drive dangerously

- If they make you do all the relationship "work"

- If they try to make a weekly schedule for when they will come over - after 2 dates

- If they are extraordinarily lackadaisical or passive

- If they are uncommunicative or struggle with holding up their side of a normal conversation

- If they don't like to give you their opinions

- If you've dated for awhile and it's time to meet their parents and they HAVEN'T told their parents something critically importance to the parents about you... and leave you to do it yourself... For example, if their parents are extremely religious and your background is one that they don't feel is "right"... Anything that would make you feel like a fish out water with them.

- Repeating - if you feel something is just weird or not right

- If you feel like you're just going along with the relationship because you don't think that anyone else would want you

- If they treat you like a child

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kunstnik

little things. totally.

waitress thing. the last guy, Mr. OCD. we were in the restaurant. busy. the waitress was late bring him his drink. he said, that is going to cost her. ( the tip.)

i didn't pay attention.

then i emailed saying thanks for calling.

he emailed back something like, when you say thanks for calling, it sounds like a business call.

and frequent references about " how strong my hands are,"

WTF?

so, maybe a good thing is to pay attention to the little things.

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Chloe

Good topic! This is something I've thought about too.

Red flags for me are:

- rushing things, wanting a commitment, sex, I love you's - really early on

- if he has kids - wanting to entrench me in their lives right away

- bitching, moaning, criticising and generally putting down their ex/s, family, friends, work colleagues, etc etc

- seeking pity/sympathy 'poor me' stories

- always expecting you to go to their place / do what they want

- road rage (HUGE red flag)

- not many friends, and the friends they have, they criticise behind their back

- expecting you to respond to messages/answer calls immediately but don't do the same

- question where you are / what you're doing when you're not with them

- cannot cope with everyday life inconveniences and throws hissy fits if everything isn't going their way all the time

- drinking too much (drinking more than a few drinks every time you see them)

- saying things like "no one understands/knows me like you do"

- doesn't take responsibility for anything, always blames someone else

- treats you like a child, tells you how to do everything in a parent to child manner

- if you feel you're the one making all the effort in the relationship

lotssss more ;)

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Lola

Rushing into anything. Huge personal red flag.

Lola

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rcr

If they want to go out with you while their girlfriend is still living in their house - even if he tells you he is trying to break up with her and has told her several times she needs to move out.

If he gets mad at you for getting mad.

If he makes you feel like you can not have a disagreement unless you are prepared for him to bale out of the relationship.

If he tells you it is not his job to make you happy.

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Zoeygirl

Well, here's The Jerk Test: tell him "no" and see how he responds.

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Zeemeeuw

These are all great ones.

I met Darth out of state. He came to my state to visit after we decided we wanted to start seeing each other. He stayed the first night in a motel, but stayed at my house after that. We were both so smitten with each other, but I remember one thing he said, that after that first night he was never going to stay anywhere but in my house. He TOLD me that.

He was taking possession of me, and it was a huge red flag, but at the time it was SO romantic and testosterone-ish. Remember to THINK about it if your new guy is taking over and telling you what boundaries you have to give up immediately for him. Don't let that happen.

Zee

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Disco
Well, here's The Jerk Test: tell him "no" and see how he responds.

BINGO! This one sure way of sorting them out! If compromise & co-operation are NOT in their vocab then it's a sign of where they are at.

D

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Chloe

If he makes you feel like you can not have a disagreement unless you are prepared for him to bale out of the relationship.

OMG yes!!

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seeker

Telling you they don't like your name

Telling you they don't normally date.... 'redheads' or whatever *and your'e a redhead

Telling you your friends don't care about you

Telling you that you need to buy cool sunglasses because your sunglasses aren't cool enough

When they literally dismiss you, telling you to pretty much leave - "ok I've had enough of you here now, so leave"... ie you are dismissed until they feel like speaking to you = like you only exist when they want you to.

Offering to buy you a surprise present because you 'performed' how they expected and you 'deserved' it

Offering to lend you $100 and then saying not to worry about paying it back as they consider it an investment

When you find out they've lied to you more than three times, to manipulate or mislead you or trick you into doing something you might not normally have done.

When they decide to keep you separate from their work friends.

When they dont' keep you informed

When they don't let you know they will be late, chronically

Not supporting you in the activities, work, life that you lead - when they discourage you from doing things that you enjoy and put you down for them

When they leave you $20 under a cup in front of your mother saying 'there you go, there's some money'

When they put every other woman you know down, including their own mother, sisters.... plus GF's of friends

When they say that their daughter annoys them because she got scared and started crying playing soccer when the ball hit her really hard. - and then she displays fear every time the ball and a person dribbling the ball are coming towards her.but he still gets angry at her.

When they talk about themselves being a big bear and you are a little fluffy bunny.

When their mother refers to them as their beautiful boy even when they are 35.

When you witness their father raging at them over a minor accident - like losing an object off a boat - which can easily be replaced no drama.

When he sides with his mother against you over something he's neglected to do... and she defends him against you as well.

When he treats you like you don't exist and makes decisions despite discussions to the contrary.

When he has sleep sex with you, ie you wake up and he's having sex with you while you were asleep without your consent - but he calls it Sleep Bonking like it was mutual. He says he was asleep and woke up when you did.

When they patronise you, undermine you, humiliate you, embarrass you

Just to name a few...

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Chloe

When they leave you $20 under a cup in front of your mother saying 'there you go, there's some money'

:angry-smiley-005:

When they put every other woman you know down, including their own mother, sisters.... plus GF's of friends

Yep, good point this one rj!!

When they talk about themselves being a big bear and you are a little fluffy bunny.

:barf:

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NoDaybut2day

Oh. My. God.

There are SO MANY!!

And (how sad is this), almost all of them happened in the beginning of my relationship with my NOW-ex husband. Sheesh!

So, do you now go out on dates with this LONG LIST of red flags to watch out for? I don't think I'll be able to remember them all :laughing-smiley-014:

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homealone
So, do you now go out on dates with this LONG LIST of red flags to watch out for? I don't think I'll be able to remember them all :laughing-smiley-014:

I think as you spend time thinking and learning more and more about abuse in all its different forms, you just gradually develop a different mindset about what is acceptable behavior and attitudes. I know that's been the case for me. I have some "friends" whose behavior has long made me uncomfortable at times; now I understand a lot better why it bothers me.

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sphinx

If he has few or no friends or interests other than you or your activities

If his employment history is unstable

If he has multiple children with multiple women

If he complains about paying child support for any of his children

If he spends his money on clothes, cars, or other 'stuff' but never is able to pick up the tab when you go out or can't pay his rent or mortgage.

If he's living with his parents, grandparents, ex-wife, or other family members and these people are perfectly HEALTHY

If he takes pride in being able to "put people in their place"

If he tells you, "I'm a wild and crazy guy", "I'm a bad boy", "People don't understand me like YOU do",

If everytime something negative happens in his life, it's always someone else's fault.

If he constantly interrupts you when you speak or rolls his eyes at you

If he can't be bothered to buy you (or make if money is tight) a suitible gift for your birthday, Christmas, anniversary or other occasion that celebrates you.

If he uses guilt to control anything you do or how you behave

If he becomes overly angry, defensive, silent, or pulls a disappearing act when he's upset or disappointed with you

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Lily Bright
So, do you now go out on dates with this LONG LIST of red flags to watch out for? I don't think I'll be able to remember them all :laughing-smiley-014:

Simple... if it FEELS like disrespect... it IS.

And that's a Red Flag.

:hug:

Lily

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