Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
SM

Have you ever really "made love" with your abuser?

Recommended Posts

SM

I just posted a comment on Zee's thread about unusual characteristics of abusers and Echo was talking about how fake her ex was.

Now, I was 40 years old when I married Peecup and, well, let's just say that I wasn't a nun. I know what it feels like to "make love" with someone. But I can honestly say that I've never felt like that with Peecup when we were intimate. We've had really good sex, but it was sex, not love making.

Is it that they don't have the capacity for emotional intimacy? Or is my guy just really bad at faking it? ;-)

SM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
outandabout

oh, this one is close to my....uh...heart.....that's it...my heart.........

i believe this is a common characteristic of narcissists.....that detached, totally into themselves vibe.......

firstly...they don't like women.....so having sex with a woman is more of a chore than anything else, i believe.....

just another layer in their con game........

i've been around the block a time or two myself....and i can say flat out...i've had more emotional sex with practically total strangers than i ever had with Cujo......

my feeling with ol Cujo was that he was using me to masturbate with...ugggghhhhhh.........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kike Morrison

Ok, so lemme see.....

In order to make love to someone I think love should be mutual, right?

On count #1 he merely treated me like an object. Total sociopath, kwim? So that would be a big fat NO. He would masturbate with me, more or less and i wanted to pretend that sometimes he made love to me.... Riiiiiiiight. <_<

-KM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zeemeeuw
I just posted a comment on Zee's thread about unusual characteristics of abusers and Echo was talking about how fake her ex was.

Now, I was 40 years old when I married Peecup and, well, let's just say that I wasn't a nun. I know what it feels like to "make love" with someone. But I can honestly say that I've never felt like that with Peecup when we were intimate. We've had really good sex, but it was sex, not love making.

Is it that they don't have the capacity for emotional intimacy? Or is my guy just really bad at faking it? ;-)

SM

The book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, goes into that quite a bit. How it can be great sex, but it's just sex and not love-making.

I had great sex with Darth. I'm still not sure if it was making love or not, but I think it was. He was always kind during sex, but I think he's more BPD and not a psychopath anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SM

That's it you guys! It's like he's masturbating and I just happen to be there.

And most times, he even says the right things... "I love you", "You're beautiful"... yanno, stuff like that. But it always just feels so hollow.

He never gazes into my eyes. He never just holds my hand. He never wants to just hold me or let me hold him.

It's like it's a business arrangement. Yuk yuk yuk...

SM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lola

Ha. I didn't even get the "great sex" part of the deal.

It might have been love way back when, but it quickly turned to "a warm body to do things to when Evil's in the mood". Which was most of the time.

Yuck.

I don't even remember the last time I had great sex/ made love. *Sniffle*

Lola

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SM
I don't even remember the last time I had great sex/ made love. *Sniffle*

Lola

I think I was by myself. ;-)

SM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
outandabout
I think I was by myself. ;-)

SM

Dam....i was about to say the same thing!!!!......... :hysterical:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Mohzilla

I don't know...I have no frame of reference. I don't know whether that is good or bad...seems sad to me :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
SM
I don't know...I have no frame of reference. I don't know whether that is good or bad...seems sad to me :(

It's very sad Moh. I married someone that I hoped to be with for the rest of my life. I loved him dearly. I would have done anything for him. What more perfect thing could there be but to feel so intimately connected with someone? Not just someone, THE someone. And I've never felt it. It's very sad. I kind of always thought that maybe it was me, but now, knowing what I do about narcissism, I think it's just that he's not capable of it.

It's sad for him too.

SM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Kike Morrison
firstly...they don't like women.....so having sex with a woman is more of a chore than anything else, i believe.....

just another layer in their con game........

i've been around the block a time or two myself....and i can say flat out...i've had more emotional sex with practically total strangers than i ever had with Cujo......

my feeling with ol Cujo was that he was using me to masturbate with...ugggghhhhhh.........

That's exactly it... They're performing a task, and one that they don't seem particularly fond of, i may add. And I don't think that they particularly dislike women... They just dislike EVERYONE!

Last I heard, GuitarGod seems to be banging some dude. Doesn't surprise me in the least.... And i don't think this is a matter of homosexuality either; I think that the only prey he could find is a guy, and if the guy is half way normal, GuitarGod will have to have sex with him at some point, kwim?

At any rate, the whole thing is just gross....

*goes to find a bucket....

-KM

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
outandabout
That's exactly it... They're performing a task, and one that they don't seem particularly fond of, i may add. And I don't think that they particularly dislike women... They just dislike EVERYONE!

Last I heard, GuitarGod seems to be banging some dude. Doesn't surprise me in the least.... And i don't think this is a matter of homosexuality either; I think that the only prey he could find is a guy, and if the guy is half way normal, GuitarGod will have to have sex with him at some point, kwim?

At any rate, the whole thing is just gross....

*goes to find a bucket....

-KM

hey kike......i totally agree......cujo was working both sides of the street....i'm pretty sure of it......and i think it's just like you said.....it's not a sex thing......its a USER thing......cujo is an equal opportunity user and abuser.....he wouldn't want to cut that large of a segment of the population out as potential victims......that's all.........

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Stormy

My abuser(s) and I never 'made love'. In fact, I never really knew what that was until I became involved with my current man (of 6 years). Now, I had some awesome sex, and some crazy insane sex, and lots of mediocre and terrible sex, but none of it involved both of our hearts, minds and souls...as well as our bodies, until now, with this guy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest midwest88

I 'have' experienced REAL 'love making' and upon further review of the Lumpster and I.....what we 'did' was nothing more than 'cheap SEX'. There never really was any of the 'genuine' feelings.....the ones where it literally seems like you are actually 'part' of your partners 'soul'.....you must know what I'm talking about.

To put this in the Readers Digest version.......it was just SEX......and not really very good to be honest. *sigh*

middie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest midwest88
My abuser(s) and I never 'made love'. In fact, I never really knew what that was until I became involved with my current man (of 6 years). Now, I had some awesome sex, and some crazy insane sex, and lots of mediocre and terrible sex, but none of it involved both of our hearts, minds and souls...as well as our bodies, until now, with this guy.

BINGO!!! How can you put things in such proper words, Stormy?!?!?!? I totally agree with your description.....there IS a difference.......HUGE difference!! THANKS dear!!

middie

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Cherry

NOT IN 12 YEARS!!!! NOT ONCE!!

How sad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shakti

I can't speak for ExAbuserJerk, but in the beginning *I* made love with HIM, at least. I did find this article on Psychology Today regarding narcissists and lovemaking that was very interesting. ExAbuserJerk was a narc, I'm convinced, due to his extremely self-centered world and relationship-view. Ultimately, I think he "practiced" his lovemaking skills with ME, so as to be all the more "skilled" with his new conquest - whom bytheway, he was sniffing around even before we split. To sum it up, and in the end - it was ALL about him, not any need or desire to please ME or need or desire FOR me:

_ _ _ _ _

Narcissists Don’t Make Love

SOURCE: Psychology Today

http://blogs.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-...-dont-make-love

To some degree, we suspect that narcissists view their sexual partners as objects that satisfy their needs for pleasure, status, and power. As you might imagine, this kind of attitude probably doesn’t bode well for long-term relationships. In fact, one thing we suspect, but have not tested, is that more frequent sexual activity might actually harm relationships involving narcissists.

Here’s why: Sex generally acts to bring partners closer together (both physically and psychologically). In other words, sex can be thought of as a mechanism for enhancing relationships, For narcissists, however, who view sex more in terms of personal gratification, sex might actually cause increased separation. Think of it like this. It’s hard to imagine that a marital therapist would suggest that a couple engage in more frequent isolated activities in the hopes that they will grow closer to one another. Certainly, this would instead lead to further separation. Likewise, if sex is essentially an isolated activity (albeit in the presence of another person), then one can imagine how more frequent sexual activity might actually cause relationship partners to feel more separated from each other.

Granted, we are taking the perspective of the narcissist in terms of our speculation. It’s certainly possible that the (less narcissistic) partners of narcissists grow more and more attached with each sexual act. This would be particularly cruel because while sex works to make one partner more attached, it pushes the other partner away. It’s possible that to some degree this might even account for findings from our labs showing that ex-romantic partners of narcissists report being particularly unsettled by their relationships. Again, we haven’t tested this idea directly, but it certainly seems like a logical possibility.

_ _ _ _ _

(If I was a test subject I'd say their "lab" findings are more than just "lab" findings. TWO YEARS out, I'm still "unsettled" about the abuse I tolerated from the jerk - but all the more determined NEVER to end up with a piece of work like him again! You NEVER get closure from these creeps. You NEVER get even a hair of an acknowledgement that THEY ever did anything wrong or destructive to you, or your relationship. They just move right on to the next target - all without missing a single beat...unsettling indeed)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Echo

I had this conversation with my counselor because my ex used to get up and walk away right after sex. It drove me nuts. He'd never stay around. It made me feel used, like wham bam thank you ma'am, ya know? She told me that it was obvious that he was uncomfortable with intimacy and that men in particular feel most intimate AFTER sex. So, I thought...hmmmm.... Sometimes he'd roll over and just fall asleep but he never just STAYED with me. With my first lover (the one before him) he ALWAYS stayed with me and that was one of the best parts of the whole thing was that feeling afterwards of being together and relaxed and touching and holding each other, and laughing and talking, AFTER. That's when we bonded alot, it seemed like to me. There was none of that with my ex and I missed it and I l knew it was a bad thing but I didn't really know why and I thought it was just him. But she explained it rather well to me about him not wanting the intimacy of it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Zeemeeuw

My narc psychologist ex used to start a fight the day after sex. I'd be feeling really close to him and he had to do something to push us apart again because he couldn't stand the closeness. I got to where I'd wait for him to attack me about something. He also could never do the act itself. We never had intercourse, ever. It was always some other thingy that you do.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blue Sky

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!!!! Ooops, did I say that out loud?!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
shakti
My narc psychologist ex used to start a fight the day after sex. I'd be feeling really close to him and he had to do something to push us apart again because he couldn't stand the closeness. I got to where I'd wait for him to attack me about something. He also could never do the act itself. We never had intercourse, ever. It was always some other thingy that you do.

Zee!

That is utterly. . .

Weird!

And it's so - narc-like!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Lola

Huh.

For me, sex kinda gave me a little break from Evil. It would buy me a little time by myself. Usually I would get at least a few hours of not being harassed. The exception to this was the day he tried to kill me. That was one of the reasons I was so shocked at how that day turned out. (Not that him trying to kill me wasn't shocking on it's own. It was just that he went from ok to psychotic break within an hour or two.)

Evil liked to pick fights, then ask for "make up sex" when it was over. I once accused him of fighting with me just so he could pester me for sex after, and he didn't deny it. It was like the fighting was an aphrodisiac to him. I also think he liked to see how much he could upset me, then see if he could get me to "put out" after.

Is it any wonder I have a few issues with sex now?!?

Lola

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
bryanna325
my feeling with ol Cujo was that he was using me to masturbate with...ugggghhhhhh.........

My ex said something to the effect that he was just masturbating with me after the last time we were intimate! I was thinking there was hope for our relationship (it had been quite a while), he was still just a jerk!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Echo
Evil liked to pick fights, then ask for "make up sex" when it was over. I once accused him of fighting with me just so he could pester me for sex after, and he didn't deny it. It was like the fighting was an aphrodisiac to him. I also think he liked to see how much he could upset me, then see if he could get me to "put out" after.

Is it any wonder I have a few issues with sex now?!?

Lola

BINGO! I had this SAME experience. I believe he got off on the conflict...I really do and the way you put it, that he wanted to see if he could get you to put out after all that, rings true for me, too. Yet one more way for them to 'get off' on their power and control. Sick b*stards! My ex was nasty before AND after sex. Before sex he'd tell me he was being nasty because he hadn't got any and after he'd say it's because he JUST got some and didn't need to be nice. He was such a creep...shakes head.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Blue Sky

Rage-aholics....makes me sick....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×