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hoping

Hi, everyone

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hoping

I'm still with my h. who is doing a lot better about not being verbally abusive. Even though he is trying, I still feel the wounds of the past from him. I don't trust him emotionally and I don't know if I ever will. We do talk about things, do some things together and are trying to help take care of our granddaughter. My husband still wants a lot of attention and as long as he is not abusive I can tolerate him better. He still doesn't like to be alone very much and likes to joke a lot to get attention. I hear a few people talk about their husbands and how much they love them and how lucky they are to have them. Sometimes I feel jealous, other times wonder if they are being honest, and at other times feel thankful someone is happy with their marriage. I think my mindset now is that even if I did leave my husband to find someone else someday that it might take a long time if it ever happened. We have financial security and the security of being only with each other and I have been trying to except that maybe that is enough or all I should ask for. I am trying to be a good influence on my granddaughter and be concerned about her and not just myself too.

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AZ-home

Hoping,

I am SO GLAD to hear from you. I'm glad things are going better. Maybe not perfect but you sound much better.

I think there is NO SUCH thing as a perfect marriage. Even those who praise their husbands are probably not mentioning the hard times they have too. My parents have been together 50+ years, and NOW that I know what I know about emotional abuse and narcissism, I see she has been living with it and it's probably why I chose the husband I did. I chose someone like my father. So on the outside people see a cute old couple who has been together 50+ years. But it is far from perfect and my mom is a saint to put up with him. Everyone who REALLY knows them says that. So take all those other relationships with a grain of salt. NO ONE really knows what is going on in their house but them. Don't assume other people's marriages are so perfect. In fact, just never compare yourself to them. Your journey is your journey. It's not fair to compare. I used to be that perky woman who seemed to be happily married but I was totally faking it. When I revealed the truth, some people never believed me. Ever, to this day. But that's what I get for hiding the truth.

Just focus on you and your granddaughter and your new and improved husband. Maybe try going to counseling about healing the wounds. Not to say you will ever trust him, but I know I struggle with trust and healing myself. CPTSD is a real thing. It's a hard road. 

Good luck and thanks for the update!

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Quaddie

Hi Hoping,

Glad it's more comfortable for you. There's no rule you ever need to trust. He's being more careful, but the way he is is still inside him so you are probably wise not to be 100% trustful.

When you say he "jokes" to get attention, are his jokes really put-downs? 

Other marriages may or may not include abuse. All marriages are different. People in abusive marriages don't feel lucky.  If you ever decided that you no longer want to be married to him, it would have to be with just the goal of not-being with him... accepting that you may not find another partner, and being comfortable with that. A lot of people are more comfortable alone than they are with a particular person who they feel was abusive toward them. 

As for what you "should" want or ask for? That's all within yourself to determine. There's no external gauge or meter to measure what you "should" want. Everyone is different with what makes them feel content.

 

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