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AZ-home

I broke 3 years of no contact

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AZ-home

#ImASucker

My ex called my mother with a message for me. A) He had boxes of my stuff for me to come and get (or send someone to get) and he told her there was stuff in there from my grandmothers, both of whom have passed. I truly want these boxes. I am aware of at least one thing of my grandmother's I left behind that I would like back. B ) He asked for money (a good chunk of change for me) for something he was buying our young adult child that I didn't think child needed and the child didn't want. I felt he was manipulating our child and forcing him to accept this purchase against the child's will. Our child expressed this to me, that their dad was taking away their choice, their voice. I know that feeling well. I lived it.

He keeps doing this. Calling my mother as the go between. I refuse to use our child as a go between so ex has resorted to using my mother for communication with me. While he has her ear he gives the full gut-wrenching victim speech and she ends up feeling sorry for him and feeling bad. To most people, he does the full smear campaign slander of me, huge lies, to make me look horrible and him the victim. To my family, I'm the best thing that ever happened to him and he is grateful for our time together. He's quite the chameleon! Mom said he sounded like he did 2 years ago, nothing had changed. But I know he is actively dating. It's all a roux. I feel sorry for my mother (in her 70s) and that I have put her in the middle of this. She is a huge empath and I learned it from her. I don't mean that in a bad way. She has a HUUUUUUGE heart! HUGE! She loves everyone! And I realize he is exploiting that. 

So to give my mother a break, I decided to handle this box situation myself. As for the money, I ignored that because I don't want to support his manipulation of a child who is in their 20s! It's wrong and I won't support it. In addition, a medical bill came to my house for our child and I paid it and it cost more than he was asking me for. He doesn't realize I paid that, but I know it and that's all that matters. I handled that bill on my own. He can handle his (optional, didn't have to buy it) bill on his own. 

After stewing on this box thing for about 3 weeks I decided that he will most likely get rid of the boxes because I didn't give him the money he requested. It's no coincidence he mentioned these in the same conversation, "I have boxes for you. I want money." This would be just like him. So I texted him directly and asked when would be a good time to get them and how many boxes were there. Because maybe I need to borrow a truck, I don't know. He said he didn't know, he was busy at the time, and the kicker....he pointed out the ONE typo in my 3 line message! Yes folks! He found something to criticize and he just HAD to point it out! That is SOOOOOOOOO like him! He criticized my.EVERY.move until I broke. I just couldn't take it anymore. And I give him 3 lines of communication in 3 years and he just can't resist the urge to point out my teeny flaw. :rolleyes:

So, 3 days later I have no other news about these boxes. It was most likely bait to get me to communicate, and it worked. Now he has the power again. I have no idea how many boxes there are, if there were EVER boxes, and I figure, since I ignored his request for money, he is going to ignore my request for the boxes, which HE initiated mind you! A non-toxic person would complete this transaction. But being a narcissist, he has the upper hand for just a second and he is enjoying himself. 

I give up. Good luck with karma, dude. He told my mother in that phone call that if I didn't want the boxes he would donate them. If he donates my grandmothers' things, karma is a _______. The ball is in his court, if he wants to give me the boxes. I am not texting him anymore. I'm not using my mother to send messages anymore. I feel like a fool for breaking no contact but at least it reminded me WHY I LEFT, and proves to me that HE.DID'T.CHANGE! He puts on the humble act but his words and actions never match up. He is a great actor. I don't regret trying to get my grandmothers' momentos. It was worth it. 

He is SUCH a narcissist! 

 

 

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lizzibethak

It happens and FWIW, you handled it all well.  You gave him no fuel other than one communication.

Show your mom how to block his calls/texts and keep her out of his drama in the future.  She has no reason to continue the relationship, right??

 

 

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AZ-home

Thank you.

Since we have a child together, sometimes conversations need to be had. Maybe we should just email each other directly from now on and let me handle him. He doesn't bother her too much but when he does he pours on the crying game and she feels really bad for him. I say, he made his bed...

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lizzibethak

Email/text is best...........I can't stand to hear my XH voice.............it just dredges up all his old self-love, look-at-me crap!

And.........he likes to try to contact my sister but she mostly lets it go to voicemail.  

Encourage your mother to not engage but either block his number or let it ALWAYS go to voicemail.  This is tertiary contact and they like to use others to get their fuel indirectly from you........and use your mom to get fuel from because he knows she's an empath who won't hang up.

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Fluffyflea

They are so calculatingly manipulative. They are just creepy all the way around.

Sometimes people say oh they don't know what they are doing, maybe SOME don't but my ex narc sure knew what he was doing.

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AZ-home

Day 5. Still no word about the boxes.

X: He tells me to come get the boxes.

Me: I reach out to get them.

X: Psyche! JK! 

Me: What a toddler. 

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lizzibethak

Yeah............he's just wanting to mess with you.  As hard as it may be, ignore!  He needs fuel again from you...............ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!!!

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Vanilli

Sorry A-Z, what a man child! I love your take on things and how you see right through him though :). They really are pathetic! 

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AZ-home

Day 9 and still no word from him. I'm obviously NOT getting the boxes. He just wants me to squirm knowing he has, or has given away, my grandmothers' things. He probably loves that I wonder about it. He wants for me to long for these items. In his mind he probably thinks he is hurting me. Him: Muwahahahaha! 

But I lost SO MUCH when I left him, I walked away from "our house" and everything in it, that I'm used to it now. I don't have baby pictures, my pets, my musical instrument, my child doesn't live with me, any of the pictures our child drew for me/us, and I just act like I had a fire. A LOT of people have a fire or weather event that takes everything and they manage to pick up and go forward. If they can do it, so can I. And it tends to make you stronger and able to handle it better the next time. I have a picture in my mind, of what he has: a piece of pottery, an heirloom photo of my extended family in 1900, and a shawl. I remember them well. I don't need to have them sitting in my house to remember my grandmothers.

If he thinks he is hurting me, he is wrong. It does hurt some, but instead, it makes me MORE CONFIDENT that he IS who I think he is, and I'm not mistaken about leaving him. To the people who said "he has changed" and "I should try harder" and "don't end your marriage" I say...you don't know what you're talking about and you have NO IDEA who he really is! A person who spent 2 hours with him told me I was doing the wrong thing. I have spent 222,000+ HOURS with him. Who do you think knows him best? I love when he shows my family and others moments like this (keeping these boxes from me) so maybe they can get a teeny glimpse of what I see. I see a selfish man who enjoys hurting me. 

He has NOT changed

He is worse

He is cruel

I tried harder than you can ever imagine! No one knows how hard but me.

I did the right thing

Here's your proof

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Quaddie

Here's something, from someone who was in the same situation.

I lost irreplaceable photos, too. I had them in my hand when I was packing for my escape, and for some reason I thought, "Nahhh." (I had limited space, but I could/should have made the space.)  He was supposed to have given me back the negatives - it was in our legal agreement - I asked and asked - and he never did. He just...didn't.

Another time after that, I knew he was out of town and I still had a key to the side door which he didn't know I had. I thought about trekking across the state and sneaking in and getting them. I was afraid. I didn't do it. I wish I had.

Can you sneak in and get them? Is it even an option at all??

(Not that I'm advocating anything illegal.....  ;) )

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AZ-home

He changed the locks. The anxiety of sneaking in if I had keys, the anxiety would ruin my health! I am scared to death of him. My photos were also in the divorce decree. They do what they please.

I just had to “Let it gooooooo. Let it gooooooo” ...

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Quaddie

Yeah, that's why I didn't sneak back in (and possibly partly because it was a 3-hour drive)...    but now, I do regret it.

He'd changed the locks but didn't remember the side door we never used, so I could have still gone in with a key, even.

 

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Fluffyflea

This topic is interesting in that first off he really wants a reaction from you, the very obvious calculated manipulation (my ex all the way).

When I left not one person said I had done the wrong thing and should go back.

Also, there was a box of stuff I left behind because I didn't want it and purposely didn't take it even though it was under the bed he never tried to return it to me.

A.He pitched it.

B.Hes holding on to it in case things don't work out with his lady love.

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