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Fluffyflea

Trauma

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Fluffyflea

Hi Everyone,

I know I've had the double whammy of the end of an abusive relationship with a psycho and then seven months later the death of my son.

.I still feel like I'm still traumatized by the psycho even though that relationship ended 1.5 years ago.

Has anyone else felt this way?

 

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Quaddie

Yes.

I was just thinking about the word "trauma," in fact, this morning.

I don't think it just fades with time. And it can still pop up in emotions. 1.5 years isn't that long, in the scheme of things.

For example, the context I was thinking about it was re: my workplaces. I was thinking, I think people just think of it like they were "just sucky situations." But they weren't "just sucky situations." They were severely traumatic. I experienced trauma within them. A fact which ... for some reason... people seem to think that, just because it's a workplace, you somehow can't experience. 

I just now thought of that label for it. 

So yes, I think it's normal to still feel traumatized (especially by psychos). I guess there are ways to address it, but especially when there's thing on top of thing on top of thing happening and your whole world ends up shaken, there's not enough solid ground to provide a touch-base from which to try to regain a sort of stability.

I still feel traumatized by psychos and abusers from 5-6-7 years ago. And before that, from those that happened before those. And also from abusive relationships that had ended long before that.

It takes working-through, and learning, and practicing different things, and I think especially experiencing similar situations in non-traumatic ways (which often doesn't happen) in order to begin to feel less raw.

But I think it's the nature of trauma for it still to linger. It's difficult to deal with. And given everything, that just amplifies the whole thing even more.

 

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Vanilli

Hi Fluffyflea, I totally relate to this. I'm so sorry that you were dealing with all that trauma and the death of your son - must have been so heartbreaking. 

When I was out for a year, like in a way I felt worse off than ever. I felt so lonely, so tormented, in so much pain. I began having panic attacks and tried to deal with them, which led to PTSD. I struggled with CPTSD, friendship, intimacy, self esteem - I couldn't function in a normal way, I couldn't be myself, I couldn't have close relationships or close friendships, everyday was so hard! I got PMDD - very, very severe PMS - every time of the month, I felt like I was in so much pain that the suffering might send me crazy. I can't really describe how awful the PMDD was, all from my mountains of trauma - all that backlog that I could never express or feel with my abusive ex because I had to be miss "sunshine", perfectly sweet and lovely 24/7 to avoid being abused (even then it didn't work, because he's an a-hole and I'd always, always stand up for myself when he dared abuse me!!). It was awful, that and my PSTD. But, this last year has been one of the best of my life :). I'm quite happy I went on to develop PTSD (even though it was a terrifying experience).

But my PTSD was a gift because it led me to trauma therapy. I went for Somatic Experiencing first, which is a trauma therapy that deals with the mindfulness of the body and rebalancing the nervous system, (you can find out more about it here - https://www.amazon.co.uk/Waking-Tiger-Healing-Peter-Levine-ebook/dp/B002IYE5XO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1531685082&sr=8-1&keywords=waking+the+tiger), it got rid of the more extreme anxiety and helped me feel calmer, happier and more balanced. Then I went for Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing, which was amazing - the best thing I've ever done, it is recommend in the UK on the NHS, it is incredible - it heals traumatic memories and has made a huge, huge different to my self esteem, depression and ability to be truly myself in relationships - it also totally got rid of flashbacks during sex - so I could enjoy sex again (after sexual abuse). Since having EMDR, I don't get the suicidal depression anymore, they are far, far more dealable and come and go in waves, rather than a persistent black.

But, I'll always have trauma and I'll always have depression, anxiety, low self esteem as tendencies so every day or every couple of days, I just have to use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques, journaling, Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (it's more borderline, but I don't have that - it basically teaches you how to soften and manage painful, intense emotions, so it's perfect for people with trauma experiences - I recommend this book, it is what I use: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Skills-Workbook-ebook/dp/B0041D8UWM/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1531685366&sr=1-1&keywords=dialectical+behavior+therapy - I don't have a therapist). I see trauma as being like having diabetes, we have to find some ways to manage it that helps us - time doesn't heal when it comes to trauma, I don't think, we have to get some real help to move on. And it's always something we have to manage. 

 

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Vanilli

I also agree with Quaddie, that it never really does go away. Like you will still have painful reminders, emotional flashbacks, and you will still have your psychological defences, but you can learn to turn the light down and to experience some happiness and wellbeing. And I also agree that you need a safe space and solid ground from which to do it. 

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AZ-home

I am 3 years of no-contact, 2 years post divorce and I still struggle sometimes. I think I have more good days than bad but I am still very reactive to certain things that occur - CPTSD. I will see "him" in a month for a special occasion and have already been having flashback dreams and many dreams that include him. Not all of them are bad but he's in them a lot, which is new. I might even call my therapist to help me deal with this anxiety. I am SO nervous about seeing him and our son is even nervous (the occasion is for him) and he has informed me that he has spoken to his dad and he is going to be nice and "just say hi." Yeah right. 

I sense drama coming. I will have to do grey rock like crazy. I guarantee he will cry or try to cause a scene. 

I am SOOOO nervous about seeing him! It's been 3 YEARS!

In addition, I have been unable to connect with any man I have dated. Zero. I have stopped dating because...I basically don't feel the NEED for a companion right now. I'm happy on my own.

So yeah, it's hard and I don't have the death of a child to deal with. Give yourself some time. We are all different, our experiences are unique, and we heal at different rates. Just keep on keeping on and don't measure your condition based on anyone else. Your experience is unique to YOU. Your rate of healing is special for you. I hope you keep improving. Don't rush it! I hope you have some good days ahead. 

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Bennu

It's been more than 3 years for me and I often feel like I am so damaged that I can't even deal with life. I keep pushing through.

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