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Quaddie

I just want to vent a minute

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Quaddie

I just want to vent a minute because I don't have anywhere else. I already know what I'm "supposed to" do, but there's not really any good options, and since in my lifetime nobody ever reacts appropriately ever when I have a valid complaint about how I'm treated, it doesn't matter anyway. I just want to vent.

 

Backstory: My bf's father is staying with us for about 2 weeks. I've been busting my butt trying to get parts of the house in order (long story there). On top of other things I'm trying to accomplish and my dissolved life. I'm extremely depressed, of course. And in the past year I've had recurring episodes of very severe pain in my shoulder/upper back, along with nerve pain referring all over the place which also runs down my arm. (Been to dr, xrays, mri's, physical therapy, etc. It's complicated.)

At any rate, when the shoulder/etc. is in a flaring cycle it's a lot of pain that keeps me from being able to do anything and is also very upsetting. In the last flare cycle, in a moment of desperation, I bought a TENS unit. If I can get the pads positioned just right (a huge challenge!), it's the only thing that helps.

So the last couple of times I used it, it didn't seem right so I wanted to change the gel pads to see if they were worn out and that was why. They stick on there very strongly and they're extremely difficult to get off (and which doing so just makes my condition worse), so I asked my bf to get them off for me.

He and his dad were sitting in the kitchen and I bring in the electrode pads for him to get the gel pads off. My bf starts to peel the gel pad off and his dad (who is in his 80s) keeps asking me what it is. I tell him it is a TENS unit for pain, and he doesn't seem to understand, so I tried to explain it some other way.

Next thing I know, those two are really getting off on making fun of me and the unit. My bf starts in on making a "joke" that they'll put it on my head and "zzzzzz!!!!" fry my brain, and he really physically gets into his "jokes," so he's writhing and shaking and making eye-popping-out faces and such. And they're both just riffing on each other, going back and forth with more ribs, and laughing hysterically at the spectre of frying my brains with my TENS unit.

I didn't like this at all and found it very upsetting. But - I'm no good in the moment - ever - at finding the right words to express myself. EVER!!!  So all that came out was, "I don't think it's funny to threaten to give me brain damage!"

(Also - and some of you may remember why - I am NEVER EVER EVER ***EVER*** EVER EVER going to find the topic of brain injury funny or a topic for a joke or ridicule - EVER!!!! omg and he knows that!!!!)

My bf just says something under his breath to me about "it's not threatening!" (probably his version of saying "it's just a 'joke!')...  but he still KEEPS DOING THIS with his dad, and they're both shaking and crying with laughter, going back and forth with this evidently hilarious visual of zzzzappping my head with electrodes and the attendant physical characteristics of doing so.

 

Yes, I know it's very juvenile "humor" but I don't care. #1. I TOLD HIM I didn't think it was funny, and he kept at it anyway!!! I know he often does things just because it's like he's so enjoying the bonding with his father or whatever - but at MY expense????  And #2 - This is MY house! (We've lived together for probably 11 years, but it's my house.) And it's supposed to be the place I'm safe!! In MY OWN HOUSE. In MY OWN KITCHEN.  And #3 - he KNOWS what I go through "on the outside"and with other people always being so crappy to me!!!

I found it very upsetting.  This is something I use for severe pain. He knows my history with the topic of brain injury!!! and it's NOT FUNNY to "joke" about severely injuring me!!!  It's not funny! Even if it pleases his dad to be joking at my expense!!!

 

There's nothing I can really do. I know, I KNOW I "should" take him aside and explain that it upset me - and why - but I know myself and I know that won't happen. And it's like, everything has to be about his dad. At MY expense. It's never ok for me when his dad's here. (Neither one of us had a choice in this visit - long, long story which actually made my bf angry, too.)

And I'm SICK, I'm SICK of "grinning and bearing it" or putting up with other people's CRAPPING on me!!! Sick of being the object of everyone's ridicule. Taking the high roads! Never being allowed to not be okay with it. I've just had it wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy past my boiling point. I've had it for more than 50 years and I'm DONE and yet I am just evidently there's no end and whatever.

Or maybe I'm just too effed up and the "too sensitive" label that someone else would slap onto me because, after all, it was "just a joke" and I should "lighten up."

But no. 

My life is like that nightmare when something bad is happening and you can scream and shout right in front of people and they all just ignore you like you're not even there. (Oh and btw, that has literally happened to me, sheesh.)

Anyway. I just wanted to vent. 

I know it's "my fault" for not using "the right words" to "express myself." And/or not then later saying it. But whatever. It was crystal clear I was not enjoying it and didn't want it to continue, and they still kept at it. On and on and on. And I can't bawl his father out!  I'm the "host" and I can't make the environment uncomfortable. And I guarantee you that if I say anything to bf, it'll be twisted around into being "my bad." Or if it isn't, it doesn't matter anyway, so what's the point. There's just no point in anything, really.

 

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Quaddie

Today. I'm tired and in no mood. 

BF and his dad decide to go get Panda for dinner. I'm not hungry because I had a late lunch. Bf says he'll bring me home a teriyaki bowl and I can put it in the fridge for later. Because he "cares" about me. He knows I'm tired. He wants me to rest. And then he and his dad are going to a movie.

Okay.

They bring home the Panda. I ask did he bring me a sauce. He says Yes, he got me my own sauce. (The sauce is everything to me.)

We discuss when to put it in the fridge. He brings the bowl to me to check because it's still hot. I ask him to set a timer and put it in the fridge in about 15 minutes.

Like an hour later, I go look for the food. The bowl is in the fridge. I say, "Where's the sauce?" He looks for it. On the counter. In the trash. It's not anywhere. (He should have put the sauce in the fridge with the bowl, at the least, right. He knows this. I don't understand why he loses his entire brain...)  He says, "He must have taken it."

So I get upset and put the bowl back in the fridge. He starts getting angry and says, "You're not going to eat it?!?!" I say, "I'll have to think about it." He starts flailing his arms angrily and gets angrier and growls at me, "Well then just THROW THE WHOLE THING AWAY then!!!!" 

I say (angrily) back, "I didn't say I wasn't going to eat it - I just said I have to think about it!!!"

For fk's sake!!! SH*@&@^*!!!!

1. He can never, ever apologize!  EVER! 

2. If it were me, I would have a) made sure he had the sauce for his bowl.... b') reserved one of the sauce containers to keep with the extra bowl so that nobody would take it accidentally.... c) put the sauce in the fridge because it needs to be fridged, too....   d) if the sauce was missing, just say, "I'm sorry - I'll go get you another!"  I mean for FK's sake, the Panda is only 5 minutes away!!!!  Instead he just sits there glowering and angry at ME because I'm not the eternally graciously accepting-anything Pollyanna that I guess I'm supposed to be in life or else I'm a piece of crap!

 

Now - I KNOW he's probably all pissed off "at himself" inside for screwing up, or whatever - but he takes it out on ME by being angry at ME for reacting at all to what he does. Or he may somehow believe that it's not his responsibility to "fix" because he wasn't the one who used the extra sauce, or whatever.  Because it was his dad who did it.

He keeps trying to tell me that he cares so much, but then just keeps pulling stuff like this. ..   it may be "just sauce" but it's all the stuff that goes with it. If you DID care, you'd apologize and get another sauce! Sh!t - and you wouldn't just get angry at me for being upset that you didn't keep a sauce for me.

 

See, it never ever goes well for me when his dad is here...

 

ETA: & to address the potential question of why I'm being such a "beyotch" about it and if it's only 5 minutes away why don't *I* just go get the sauce.... Because the whole point in him offering to bring me the bowl was to be all kind and caring for me. Not to present yet ANOTHER problem that I have to be the default one to jump in and figure out and fix. 

 

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Vanilli

Ah Quaddie, I'm really sorry that your boyfriend is being a Richard. He's old enough, and should be sensitive enough, to know what is and isn't okay to 'joke' (eeeeesh) about. I'm sorry about the sauce, he should have made sure you had it. :hug:

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Quaddie

Thank you

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hoping

Quaddie

He was being insensitive and a jerk. He shouldn't joke about something that bothers you so much. It sounds like he is trying to please his dad or has been lying to you about how he understands your feelings. Later about the sauce, he should have said I don't know but I will go get you some more. It's not you, it's him. Sorry to hear he is being a jerk...

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Vanilli

Agreed, it's the little things that mean and say so much in a relationship. You think a grown adult would know and understand that. 

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Quaddie

Thank you. Yes, he can never just apologize and make something right the way it might naturally occur to one of us to do. I'm thinking too that there is something deeperly weird going on with his relationship with his dad, that I can't pinpoint. It's true that in the past, I've experienced it before where it seemed like they "ganged up" against me for the sake of something that was hurtful to me. I know that with his parents, what they wanted tends to trump everything else. 

I'm trying to be more vocal but, in the moments, I can never process the situations fully enough or think of the right words. Then afterward it's like trying to pull a rope with a weight out of a well filled with quicksand, to try to talk about it. I never can.  It's  a pattern with him that he twists things that he does wrong to be my "bad" for getting angry about it. It's obviously a very defensive move. It's so weird, because he's not that way about anything else. He can't accept responsibility when it comes to anything he does wrong in terms of me. Even the slightest thing. It drives me batty. I might spill it out someday in an evil rant. 

And I think he's got ADD never diagnosed - it's possible that the solutions don't occur to him and then his go-to reaction is to agress onto me.. He gets overwhelmed very easily. The thing is though that he does learn and improve. So sigh. Idk. I know. I'm stupid. Sometimes I just feel like there's nothing in life I can or do right. It's always "on me" to know the right thing and do the right thing and say the right thing and fix things and etc. etc. etc. 

 

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Vanilli

That sounds really exhausting! One, that he never listens or takes responsibility, without your guidance and everything with his dad, it’s like he can’t adult and then you’re stressed as hell trying to adult for the both of you AND take care of yourself - which must be close to impossible based on the circumstances with him and with everything outside of your relationship. You’re so understanding and supportive of everyone else and it’s not at all fair that you don’t get hardly any of that back, from him or anyone else. It’s likr all the pressure of giving and giving and giving and getting nothing back - enough to make anyone collapse. 

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Quaddie

:'-(   Yeah...   

But I also randomly have a short fuse (due to everything in life, probably). The other night I walked into the kitchen and found his dad holding my bag of vanilla oreos (anyone can eat them but I get them mostly for me) in his hands, up to his face, and with the bag in his teeth, gnawing and biting on the bag.

Now, granted, they've changed the bags in the last few years and now they open from the top with a "LIFT" tab (which was already open)... But... STILL.    Get my food bag out of your teeth! And also, I know that he doesn't usually wash his hands when he goes to the bathroom. (The bathroom's right there, you can tell what a person does.) So in my head, the idea of him handling food is just kinda "eww" already. :-\  However inappropriate that judgment by me might be.

It freaked me out and I was like, "What are you doing?!"  Then I took the bag and showed him where it opened, and said something like, "You know, we have scissors - it's never necessary to use teeth." I tried to smile but sometimes I just have very visceral reactions. I don't like germs, and also my stomach is very sensitive and I've recently been ill, and ewwwwww get your mouth off my food bag...  It just really sent me instantly into a bad place.

Then I felt bad, but I didn't apologize so I guess I'm not the adult, either. Oh well.

I'm a person who needs her own space and I never get the house to myself for extended periods right now. And sometimes there's just no place for me to comfortably be, because we have limited spaces for certain things. If I want to watch tv and they're in the living room, I can only lay down in my bed, and I usually don't want to do that during the day. And sometimes I need rest periods (but again, not in bed). And the end of my being home might be nigh - a situation which sends me into despair. So I feel like my life is out of my control. Well, it never was in the first place. I effed up with the whole thing, royally.

 

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Vanilli

Ewww, that is gross!! Plus, it's YOURS - who opens someone else's food with their teeth? That is gross. Honestly, I don't blame you. I don't think you weren't being an adult, you were just being human in your response or not wanting to say sorry - I mean who is right/well behaved all the time? I think we put too much pressure on ourselves sometimes. 

That sounds like a nightmare, it sounds like you don't have your own sanctuary - emotionally or with your own physical space. The end of you being home might be near? Why is that? 

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Quaddie

Thank you. Yeah, I was just thinking before I sat down here (within a variety of thoughts that are, as always, challenging for me to express, so I hope it can be followed, lol) ... that for someone like me, who really needs and values and treasures their space - just having someone else in the house (and my bf took time off to be here too) ... is probably like the equivalent, for someone else who isn't that way, of having someone constantly in front of you following you around wherever you go and getting in your face.  That's not literally what is happening, of course - but even if he's in another room, or whatever, it just feels like my whole "everything" is off, and that now my "essence" (if you will) is distracted and derailed into belonging to someone and something else. 

I know it's probably a boundaries thing, but I've never been successful at not being impacted by others in my environment. I entirely lose my ability to just "be" and to focus on my own priorities. I have a theory it might be a feminine genetic trait, we might be "programmed" to be acutely aware of and focus (without meaning to) on the others in the household, it'd be a child-rearing trait. Which might be why there's also this huge gap between, say, what guys don't notice about other people's needs and being prepared to assist or whatever, and many women just naturally doing it. 

But that doesn't help me, even if it's true. I feel like it steals my life-ness and soul and plops all my energies into another position that only serves others and detracts from things *I* need. 

And yeah, since I'm feeling that my days at home are likely in very short supply now (this is kind of my other thread), that feeling of my precious self-time being "stolen" is upsetting. And I have so many, SO many challenges already to even trying to get things accomplished ...   I literally can't handle more challenges. They pile on top of each other and no matter what I can do, it's never going to be enough. If I have to change my current situation, it would literally prevent so much that's important to me. Because it's almost impossible already. To suck all my limited resources away from me (on top of all the other severe issues it would pose) would factually be a huge, huge insurmountable blockade and pretty much remove any inkling of hope I might still have in life.

So this feels like a huge imposition (which amazingly, my bf did seem aware of prior to his father's arrival - which circumstances he was very angry about, as neither of us was given a choice. But I told him that his dad is getting older and really can't begrudge him their time together at this point because anything could happen at any moment). But not being able to handle any more challenges piling on top of challenges isn't a call for a pep-talk....  because I'm not a person who values "strength" or whatever, either. I'm so sick, and so tired, of having to be strong. Being strong and "powering through" didn't really get me anywhere. It probably was actually detrimental to me. I just want to be left to be okay as myself now. I'm too old and been through too much to be forced to crunch myself into impossible positions anymore. I'm sick of everything. :(

bleh

 

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Vanilli

I'm totally with you on the needing your own space! I'm the same, I'm get tired and overwhelmed and stressed with people in my space - everyone needs their own sanctuary and a place that is theirs. Especially when you have so many life stressors to be dealing with outside of your home, you do need a place that is truly yours and that isn't being constantly monopolised by other people. Everyone needs a place to regenerate. Yeah, feeling like your essence is off by hearing him in another room makes so much sense! It's a total intrusion on your own bubble. 

Sounds so difficult, it really sounds like you are just struggling with so much and to not have your own space sounds incredibly overwhelming on top of everything. I think when you're dealing with stress it's so important to have a place of your own where you can go for some peace and to recharge. 

It also sounds really exhausting and I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time, but as you say, it's been a life long thing, and to not really have the space to be yourself and to have a place to yourself - it just sounds like an impossible situation. 

 

 

 

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Quaddie

It's weird, because I do have my own room where I do my projects and such - but even there, I can sense the presence of others, it still feels impinging. And my room, I'm not always physically comfortable in it, and I don't like the sense of "having" to go there just to have space. If you get my drift. 

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Tazplu

Sorry I'm late to the party, I say cover your bf's head with the sauce, put the gel pads on his head & zap him with the TENS unit. I'm sorry I would have no patience for that.

Hugs to you Quaddie!

 

- Tazplu 

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Vanilli

Totally get where you are coming from Quaddie, hearing other people means that your space isn't your own - you're still being intruded on. It's so stressful :(:hug:

 

 

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Quaddie

Taz - hahah good image.

Vanilli - thanks for getting it.

There was this other whole fiasco with a roof repair (even THOUGH I'd been very assertive! still an object of ridicule and my statements - and the conditions/agreements they made - ignored). And another put-down when I talked about who painted what in the house. I feel like I can't escape just being ridiculed or put-down anywhere.  It's the way I look, the way I am,  it's like the whole world is like, "aww wook at da widdle bitty babylooking quaddie thinking she's a real person, hahahhaaha" just an object of ridicule and condescension, overriding everything I say or do. It's not all people, but it's most... even when they are friends and 100% swear they care tons about me. It's unavoidable and everywhere. And this is not "just my perception." It actually happens. And it's not a flaw in who I am or how I think or how I act.  I can't "fix it" and I'm just done with everything. 

I'm sick of being disrespected in every aspect of life. And I don't have the gumption to say anything because there's no point anyway and I just want a zen existence.

 

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Quaddie

So, to understand this scenario takes some background.

All my life, people have criticized and ridiculed me for my "organizational style."

I am a right-brain person, an "everything out" person, and I have my own ways.

I have had it up to HERE with a lifetime of people in workplaces ridiculing me, laughing at and making fun of me, standing there in groups even to ridicule me,  cutting me down and even including it on "official" crap that my way of staying organized (that I need to do, no other ways work for me!) isn't visually okay with them - even when it doesn't impact anything at all for anybody else except that they just don't personally like it (but it's what I need in order to do the things I do - it's what works for me... and nothing else does. I can't function in socially acceptable ways. I'm not capable. But whatever. Eff the world.)

I've never been a great "housekeeper" and I have more important things to do with my life than make my living space a showcase for the rare outside person.

Now, like I mentioned, I have my own "room" - in the back of the house - which is ALL MINE. It's just a small fourth bedroom. It has my computer, my musical instruments (there are a lot!), my desk, any work - or - other projects I'm working on.

I'm also a person who can't remember certain things unless I have notes right in front of me. I also take a lot of notes and am working on a zillion things.

I also have a serious  lack of storage in this house as a whole, and so in "cleaning up" in other places, some of it's ended up in my room in stacks and piles and stuff.

This is not to say I'm happy or pleased with the current state of my room - I'm not.  Truly I wish I could just do a sweep of all the stuff that other people call "clutter" but which are actually very important notes and things I need.  I don't like that I'm this way, but this is JUST THE WAY I AM. I can't use typical "organizational" types or theories or concepts or advice. NONE of it works for me. NONE. I have a lifetime of trying everything. It's not that I "need help" to "learn to organize" - nobody else's ways work for me. have to find my own ways to do things, in my own times. Literally nothing else works. 

So this room - this little crammed-full room - is MY room. It's my creative space. It's my room to be, by myself. In all its stuff and what looks like "crap" I'm sure to someone else. It's mine and it's sacrosanct. It's off-limits to others. It's mine. Not open or subject to others' energies. MINE. Sure, it's too crapped-up to truly be creative. BUT. It's MINE. And it's nobody else's to comment on or criticize or ridicule. It's my den, my safe space, my inner sanctum. Nobody else's.

So.

My bf's father is still staying with us. My bf had taken 2 weeks off, but had to go back to work today. He works 12-hour shifts. Which means I'm here alone with his father.

His father comes out of his room about an hour ago and finds me in my room. He stands there in the doorway looking at it. (He's seen it and been in here before, btw.)

He wasn't looking at the instruments, many of which weren't even in his view. He was looking very pointedly at my desk and printer stand, which are piled with papers and books and magazines and such. Just covered. I KNOW. OKAY.

And......he makes comments.

Like, "wow there's sure... a lot... of things...in here." (Thinly-veiled snark, basically like "holy sh!t there's a crapton of clutter and crap in here!" is what he meant to say)

I don't say anything.

He says something else, so I just kind of vaguely answer, "Yeah, I have a lot of things I work on."

He doesn't hear me, "What?"

I say again, "I have a lot of projects I'm working on."

He says something like, a slightly snarky, "I guess so!" with a chuckle.

Whatever.

Just like.... efff EVERYBODY.

This is MY ROOM and it's MY PRIVATE SPACE and it is NOT OPEN TO ANYONE ELSE'S COMMENTS OR CRITICISM OR RIDICULE (no matter how brief or veiled)

Not even "INNOCENT" comments about how much stuff there is in my room. This is MINE. MINE and supposed to be SAFE from that crap! I'm well AWARE that nobody thinks it's okay. I'm well AWARE there's a lot of papers and piles and what people disparage as "clutter." So just SHUT UP. LEAVE ME ALONE. It's none of your business! Leave me alone in my OWN ROOM at least!! Fk!

Eff the world.

 

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Tazplu

Is there a door for this room? Then by all means you should have slammed & locked it right in his face. Why do people feel a need to comment on our personal space. No opinion asked, so none is welcome. I'm sorry.

 

Tazplu

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Quaddie

Yes, there's a door, but I can't and don't want to close it except when I REALLY need privacy, because the airflow to the room is very bad. It's already too hot and stuffy, so it gets insufferable very quickly if I shut the door. 

Also, I wouldn't want to just shut him out - gotta be hospitable and all. And I'm in and out a lot, getting tea, bathroom, etc.

I understand he's losing his "filter" and having other issues from age, but it still feels upsetting to me. 

I don't have much in life, it's all been a waste, I've wasted it and am a total loser. I'm losing my sh*t and everything is disintegrating, and I can't bring myself to do what's going to be required for survival, so who the fk knows what's going to happen. I just don't need more even "little" things piling on to tell me what a piece-of-crap/object of ridicule everyone else thinks I am.

 

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Quaddie

While I'm just venting, might as well get this other "little" stuff off my chest, too...

One day I was planning making a dinner at home (we'd been going out every single day), just some chicken and tortillas and refried beans and white rice. The beans we usually use at home are canned, unless my bf makes them from scratch which he rarely has time to do. They are decent, though. So anyway, his dad wrinkles his face at the canned beans and says we should go out to this store and buy their homemade ones (which aren't cheap, btw) and rice. I say it's not worth the cost and trouble to go out and get that, and the canned beans are fine. His dad keeps saying but eh they're canned beans, until finally bf explains we've tried them all and these are pretty good. So then his dad acquiesces to my plans.

But then while I'm fixing it, he sees these containers in the fridge of old refried beans & rice that are leftover from a while ago. He says, "We could have just had those!" I say, "Those are old...they're no good. That's why I wrote "Old - Do Not Eat!" on them. (My bf has a thing about not throwing food out in advance of the trash pickup day so most of the time things just sit in the fridge wayyy past healthy.)

His dad chuckles at me like I'm being a silly, ridiculous, paranoid fool and says, "Eh they're fine, it's been in the fridge!"   (Like just because something is in the fridge, it keeps forever and ever.)

Then the other day - I sometimes order these special healthy snacks from Graze. They're not cheap, but they're really good-quality and sometimes their nuts and seeds are much better on my system than anything I can buy at the store, and it's hard for me to find healthy things that I can tolerate. They are processed differently and packaged fresh, and they have dates after which they do start to go bad. Trust me, I've had them go bad when they're old...

Anyway, so I have a box with a couple of the snack packs left from my last shipment still sitting on the counter. I'm positive they are past-dated now. I guess I should have put them away somewhere out of sight, but then *I* would forget I have them. 

So his dad is standing there and sees the box on the counter and opens it up and digs into it past the paper flyer insert on top and takes one of the plastic containers from in it and lifts it up and shakes it.

Now, remember that those are food items, and remember also that thing where he doesn't wash his hands after he goes to the bathroom <<<ewww shudder>>> ... so I'm cringing inside, heh... 

And I don't really want him to take any of the two that are left and eat them because, 1. they're mine and "special" and I guess I shouldn't have left the box out but, whatever, I DID, I didn't imagine he'd dig through it, it doesn't look like a food box, so sue me... and 2. They most likely aren't any good anymore, anyway. They're at least a few weeks past their dates.

So I say, "Oh those are just my snackies. They're probably no good anymore."

He chuckles mockingly at me again, still shaking it, and says, "But they're sealed. They're fine!"

AGAIN like I'm just being a stupid idiot who's just being "ridiculously paranoid" about something that's "obviously okay."  

I say, "Well they're packed fresh and they do expire and go bad after that time."

He gives it up. 

For one thing, I really hate constantly being told I "must be wrong" about everything. Yeah.

But when you add in the extra mocking-ness about it... 

But this is something I really HATE - more than hate, it's so upsetting and degrading.  And it happens so OFTEN by so MANY PEOPLE who treat me like I'm a "just" silly ridiculous neurotic idiot fool who just needs to be placated or "calmed down," when I'm just being logical, rational or "normal." I swear it has to be about my appearance. It's so insulting and condescending, and it happens so much!  (It was a constant in workplaces as well.)  And that also fed into this whole imagined/projected psychological backstory that people treat me as if I am, totally inappropriately, and it's been incredibly damaging to me - not just personally but professionally.

Just silly little stupid paranoid neurotic Quaddie, oh how SILLY she is, siwwy widdle Quaddie, foo foo foo de doopers! Awww wook at her trying to think she's not just a siwwy widdle foofoo!

(bleh)

am strict about food safety, but that's not "neuroticism" or "paranoia." It's just being smart. Duh! Food safety is important and it's not something to just ridicule people for following. Oh yeah, ridicule me for not wanting me or anybody else to get sick. How silly of me!  It's not like I go overboard, but just knowing and following good practices doesn't make me an idiot. Sh!t.

It's not "just" food safety, it's everything that people treat me like that about. Just negate and degrade me like I'm "just being silly" when I have very valid perspectives, or treat me like I'm being "fearful" when I'm not, I'm just being a normal person. Like when I answered the phone at the last job and all I'd said was something like, "Sure, one moment" and transferred the call, and then the boss told me that the caller had said, "I think I scared her!" (WTF?!?!?!!!)    Being treated as if I'm "frightened" or "fearful" when I'm not at all. Or even someone who did respect me, once called my name while I was walking away from him, and I swiveled around to face him (I have very fast reflexes) and he said, "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to startle you!" and I said, "I wasn't startled, I just changed directions." And he argued with me, "You were totally startled!"  (I wasn't!!! Sh!t!!)

It's really horrible. I hate it so much.  I know, I know  I possess a conglomeration of physical attributes that probably makes those people who are disposed to judge, do so. But I can't help that, there's nothing I can do about it, it's just the way I am. And I shouldn't have to be constantly thinking and re-thinking and modifying my every move and expression and word I say and everything about myself just to keep people from judging me as a silly ridiculous pathetic fool. I shouldn't have to do that. That's not my burden. 

(There was the whole fiasco about the roof repair which also included me being mocked and treated condescendingly for just trying to keep an elderly person from getting heat stroke in severe desert heat conditions with which he's not familiar, but ... whatever.....my bf backed me on that one but it didn't change it  )

just... whatever....

 

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Vanilli

Sounds absolutely exhausting, you just have no space to be human and seems like no one is supportive! I relate to what you're saying about people's responses to you, when people tell me I'm innocent or insinuate I'm fragile for example, it really annoys me because of what I have been through. It's not really people's business to comment on us in any way, it's pretty rude! 

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Quaddie

The defining has been absolutely insane and outrageous, and has literally blockaded me - in addition to being used as traumatizing agents. 

Just being infantalized all the time is enough to make me give up on people entirely... it's so incredibly negating. And you can't fight it because they just put you down even more for doing so.

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