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AZ-home

Frienemies. Ouch

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AZ-home

I am really wounded today.

I have talked about my toxic friends before. I use the word "friend" loosely. I used to be in a group of 3 ladies that hung out together. One was clearly a narcissist and what played out next was basically the movie Mean Girls, only we're grown a** adults. About 9 months ago the alpha narc ended the love bombing stage, turned on me and I blocked her entirely.

The lesser narc, her minion or flying monkey, wavered between the two of us and finally she cussed me out a verbally abused me back in April. I think the alpha narc revved her up to treat me this way since I cut her off and she couldn't do it herself. Exactly the flying monkey! This really stings because I had been in an emotional/verbally abusive marriage for 2 decades so this causes me anxiety and flashbacks and triggers rage, which is rare for me. So I cut off contact with the toxic minion a while back except for social media. She did the passive aggressive post this week and told really huge lies about me. She said her company paid me for serviced I did not complete. This is completely untrue. The job was completed quickly after she cussed me out so I could hurry up and finish that and cut my ties to her. She works for a charity and so she has basically gone online, and not using my name, said I took that money which is and out and out lie. The job is complete. She loved the work I did before she turned on me. 

I blocked her on social media and my phone too. I won't see future jabs at me. But it still hurts. I HATE when people go after my reputation. This keeps happening over and over! I TRY to be a good person. I try to treat people with respect and the way I want to be treated. And over and over they SLANDER ME! Slander me with lies!!! My ex did it too! I live in a small town. These girls are tied to ALL my high school classmates which is most of the people in this town who are my age. I can see them all pulling away from me lately. Some of my FRIENDS had commented on that post that the nameless person was horrible. The next time she sees them in person she'll tell them it was me. If they PM her and ask who it is she will tell them. If she will put my name in print I can call a lawyer and sue her for slander. She knows enough not to do that. But she described the scenerio perfectly enough that it was for sure me she was trying to hurt. 

It worked. I'm hurt.

Most of my (real) friends say "aaaah, forget her."

Yeah I get that. But the wound is deeper than that. It's the betrayal of a former friend. We used to have really good times together. It's mourning yet another lost relationship. It's the damage to my reputation. In a small town, your reputation is really big asset. I have been honest my whole life, to the best of my ability. People here don't know she is lying. These mean girls are trying to provoke me to respond. They are kicking me to see if I'm really dead. I'm playing dead. 

So sad!

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lizzibethak

It's so cliche to say, but I know you're trying to live "above" all this as painful as it is.  And no matter what, don't ever let them see you react..........."grey rock" no matter what.

Easier said than done to avoid them and stick with your real friends, who, don't totally understand but still want you to stay safe and sane.

Is it possible to get reference letters from these folks you did the services for??  If nothing else, it is proof to yourself that you did the job and were above reproach and they can be reminders that you are a good person.  Make a folder just for you to review when these narcs try to get to you.........

 

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Quaddie

Fwiw, I totally "get" it. BTDT on a couple of those levels (separate incident types/circles).

The defamation/libel is more than just upsetting - as you know, it's illegal. If she tells them in person, it's slander. If she writes to them in a PM, it's libel. By identifying you that way, she is not really skirting the law as well as she thinks she is, but it does make it difficult or nearly impossible to prove, unless you can get an ally of your own to get her to tell them it's you. Even then, at best you can probably only give a cease and desist letter because unless you can prove actual damages, it's a difficult case. :(

 

It's even more than the betrayal, I reckon...  Because people who take personal things and then fk with people's professional lives and ability to survive are a special kind of evil.  And no, I totally get that you can't "just forget" her. It's way beyond just personal gossip when people do that kind of thing.

 

If you have a website for your work, try to obtain a bunch of positive customer testimonials that you can post (with their permission) and overall just operate with integrity. It sucks and it's extremely hurtful that people do that. It is evil.

So it shows, unfortunately, these people were never really your friends because a real friend would never, ever do that. It's juvenile but malevolent. This is what happens with malignant narcissists. 

 

And I can completely relate to seeing other people reacting to the "unnamed person" on a slanderous post as if they are horrible. That, too, is a very gut-wrenching pain... someday maybe I'll post about my own experience with that. I lost people, too. 

So there are layers and layers of "stuff" going on about all this, and it's really painful and hard. It's okay to feel hurt and feel however you feel. It's an incredible low that they have stooped to. And her claim doesn't even make sense, if people would stop to think about it. Why would they pay for a project that wasn't completed? Most of the time, final payment doesn't happen until after completion anyway. 

I know I've asked about if it was possible to move to a different place before, but I don't remember the convo, sorry. This type of small-town mean-girls thing doesn't serve you well. It's making everything around you toxic, or bringing up something that leads to a toxic memory.

 

Hopefully they will expose themselves as the idiots they are and then people will stop believing, but it really SUCKS. It SUCKS to be forced into taking the high road when someone else is crapping all over you. And when they go after your survival means, that's just pure evil, imo. I'm sorry they are doing that. I know you know it's "them" but that doesn't help. Perhaps there will appear some way or opportunity to turn things right. I hope so, because the helplessness is the worst. :(

 

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Vanilli

I'm so sorry <3! I've had toxic friends too and it is incredibly painful. I also experienced a similar situation to this when I was at college. Liars are liars, abusers are abusers - they do it to everyone and EVERYONE will know her true colours eventually. In the case of my college friend, I just had to wait it out before she started going crazy on everyone else - she had and went on to have an absolutely awful reputation. The truth of people always comes out. It is a matter of a waiting game. I'm sorry it's so painful though and must not help that you live in a small town. Maybe you can post your own things on social media, you can fight back - even if not directly, I don't see why you should have to go through this and not have your say!! :hug:

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Vanilli

You ARE a good person and you will find your people. Lately, I've changed who I hang out with - I look for KINDNESS (or goodness - which to me is putting other's happiness before your own sometimes - the ability to weigh other's needs equally - not in a codependent way, but it a 'you have my back, I have yours' way) and if I do not see those qualities outright then I just don't make the friendship. I no longer make friends with people just because we 'get on well'. I've found it's something you can spot within the first few meetings. It's made a world of difference to my self esteem and quality of life. Unhealthy people are just the worse for our mental wellbeing as abuse survivors. 

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Fluffyflea

Take the high road don't respond, play dead, ignore,ignore,ignore.

Its grade seven crap.

Ive been there also, it was quite extraordinary watching how these other two behaved.

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