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Tazplu

Need help reminding me why to get out

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Quaddie

You have to be reachable BUT that does not mean you need to put up with his every call or rant. Remember, you get to control how and when he speaks to you. Don't answer if he calls - let it go to voicemail. Always. That way you have the recording, and you control when and where and how you pay attention to it.

In fact, I like to use a voice-to-text app so it translates voicemails into text. (Not always very accurately, but you can usually get the gist of it.)  I used to use Google Voice for this, but then it stopped working - I forget what I'm using now. You can try a few to see what works. Then you can just glance at the message and see whether you actually need to actually listen to his vitriol or communicate with him. If it's about your daughter, that's it. Draw the line. He can only contact you re: that topic. He has no right to discuss anything else with you. You have the right to draw that line and maintain that boundary.

And you'll keep all the voicemails (back them up somewhere so you have them saved in more than one location), so that if you don't respond but they're just harassing you and not about your daughter, you will be able to prove that you are not interfering in that relationship.

You're not at his mercy. Don't worry that it might "appear" you're keeping him from his daughter. You will have proof that you're not, and still be able to do your best to maintain your own boundaries and not be forced to be subjected to his harassment. There's no rule or law that you have to actually pick up the phone and answer when he calls. Let yourself keep yourself safe.

 

ETA: Also remember that in your note, you will be telling him that you will only communicate with him about your daughter, and if he is respectful. 

 

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lizzibethak

Just because he calls doesn't mean you answer.  You can revert to text only to talk about only certain issues.  Don't EVEN let yourself get sucked into responding to emotional issues or legal issues or answering questions that do not pertain to "where is this, what is the password to....., who is our contact for.............., etc.)  Keep it brief and businesslike even though he's going to accuse you of being a cold b&&&& and want to rant.

Create strong boundaries and hold yourself accountable to keep them. Remember you are not just protecting yourself, you are modeling for your daughter how to survive abuse and create strong, healthy relationships with boundaries.

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