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Quaddie

Some stupid title about not being able to do what life requires

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Quaddie

All my life, I’ve been treated with disgust and derision by others. Unwanted in my family, even before birth and told so and continually told to go away while growing up. Ridiculed and tortured, psychologically and physically, by others –

That hasn’t changed. I’m a boomer and it never stopped. The only thing is now that I can’t run away, the bullies determine my livelihood and it’s now their job to “judge” and my job to “take it,” and there’s no principal who might help protect me for a few days if I pleaded hard enough – there’s no recourse, there’s no escape, there’s no one to help, and any attempts to gain it only earn me more derision and criticism, as if my even noticing what goes on automatically makes me foolishly deserving of contempt. Contempt. That’s the word. Disgust, derision and contempt.

I know it’s not “everyone” but it just so happens to be the overwhelming majority of those in positions to influence my life.

I don’t really know why, and I don’t care. They feel threatened, blahblahblahblahblah. For whatever reason I’m a disgusting contemptible being to them, the whys don’t matter. I’m sick and done with it all.

And that’s not even “only” the reason why I’m sick and done. It’s a huge reason, but it’s not the only reason why such things are intolerable to me anymore.

There is no help or relevance from amount of pop-culture psychology like “oh just don’t let them _______ (fill in the blank - e.g. “judge,” etc.) – because this is exactly the opposite of those types of situations. I can’t “not let them” – they have full right and authority (no matter how “wrong” they may be), and I am forced and required to take their “opinions” and change myself in some manner in order to deal with them. Whether it be either to really believe them, or even just pretend to believe them so as to play the game and be permitted to keep subsisting – either way, it is indescribably harmful to me. And I’ve learned from experience that countering it, standing up against it, is to no avail and only seems to prove to them the negative judgments they are already making are true. It’s truly no-win.

Or, “You can’t let blahblah bother you” because there is no way around it. That’s like saying, “Oh, the room you are required to cross has a floor made of tacks and razor blades and shards of glass, but you just have to not let that bother you when you walk on it.” It’s not possible, and it’s not the walker’s fault for being cut or hurt or bleeding. When one is forced to – required to – exist within a system

 

I don’t know why people see me with such disgust and contempt. I don’t know why so many just feel they need to stomp me down like a bug, squashing and smearing their heels into me while I’m down.  I don’t know why. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter.

I want to secede. From everyone. From situations. From being forced into dealing with such awfulness. The likes of which no one really experiences so no one can relate to – it’s very unusual and bizarre and outrageous, to describe it makes me sound “paranoid” or surely I can’t be having an accurate perspective because this stuff just doesn’t happen, or “it can’t really be as bad as I think,” or “it can’t be as inescapable or as continuous or as repetitive or as long-term as I think,” or “there must be something truly wrong with me because I am the common denominator.”

Whatever. I just can’t anymore.

I can’t. But I have to do it, but I can’t.

I know I need to find another way but I’m lazy, not good enough, not successful at even figuring it out or trying, failing at that magical solution.

I can’t continue like this.

I know that nobody can really give me any advice. Anything that’s out there in the realm of “common wisdom,” I’ve already been through, it’s not applicable to this, there’s just nothing. It’s not egotistical, it’s that I already know the advice. It just doesn’t help.

I come to this point after already having churned through all the trying and strategizing and attempts of every-which-way to make it tolerable, but it just grows worse and worse.

There’s nobody who can really help, because the answer is in me figuring it out and doing “whatever it takes” and I’m a failure. Inspiration doesn’t motivate me. The typical “motivational stuff” has no positive impact on me (in fact, it often has the opposite). I’m so alone. I mean really. Nobody understands. That’s not “oh you feel like you’re alone but you’re not.” This really is, because there’s no real common ground to how I feel about things, coupled with the extremity of my experiences. I’m a weirdo. Often what others think they relate to or say to try to inspire or advise, just feels like minimizing and discounting the reality of my experience, situation, or knowledge.

I can’t even begin to explain all the different dimensions, the angles, of what my inner turmoil is. And even if I did, though, there’s still only one answer – the magical answer that I can’t make happen, because I’m failing. (And that’s not “low self-esteem” talking, it’s just a fact. Obviously I’m not good enough or smart enough or trying hard enough or “want it badly enough” or whatever the ENOUGH is that’s required to make a miracle happen. I’m not even out of the gate on it – despite my dire desperation, despite years of it – that’s how bad I am. So I’m whining for what is my own fault, I guess. Which makes me even more disgusting.)

So nobody can say anything to me and nobody can help, so what’s the point of my even whining about it? Because. Words fill me. My screaming soul. I’m human. I try to reach out even though I know it’s pointless and only makes people even more perturbed by me. I'm stupid.

I just can’t go into that razor room anymore. I can’t subject myself to it, yet I won’t have a choice, and it’s just horror – abject horror.

I can’t. But it's likely I'll have to. But I can't.

 

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Bennu

Can you change your profession?

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lizzibethak

Quaddie, maybe you've mentioned this before, but if you could choose (and sometimes we can and other times our life/job is not up for change), what would you really like to do or be best doing?? Just curious as we don't always know each other's stories from start to finish.

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Quaddie

Bennu - nope. There's absolutely nothing I'm interested in starting over learning, nor am I physically able to, and it's not just because of my profession anyway. Changing fields would not eliminate the issues with the entire thing. It wouldn't change anything, and it's doubtful I could even get work that way anyway, because it's already difficult enough for me even with a  strong resume. 

Lizzi - what I used to wish for and do best is not anything that I can do for an income, really, or at least there's absolutely no guarantee and almost no one makes an income with it. More of an artist thing. Also my abilities  are currently at issue, and also I don't want to do it *to* earn a living because that would remove my ability to do it for myself. My resources are finite - if I expend them in one thing, I don't have them for another. 

It's not so much that I don't know what I want to do in life. It's that the necessities of life don't allow for someone who cannot function within the system. Also, not sure if I even have the will anymore. So much has dissolved. There's nothing.

 

 

 

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Quaddie

Also not helps...  mediation, mindfulness, visualization, anything to do with "goals" or "objectives," pretty much anything that's supposed to be of assistance, isn't.

Because there's only one answer and I have to make that miracle happen even if I'm not, somehow.

 

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tendrils

No words Quaddie but a Huge amount of sorrow for your situation ,a total bummer and just so wrong .

Sending empathetic vibes and a heartfelt hug xxxx

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Quaddie

Thank you...  

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lizzibethak

Quaddie............thank you for explaining.  I understand.  An artistic mind and interest can't just "produce" on demand for gain/profit.  That adds even more pressure to produce.  

In the meantime, maybe you can spend some time just refreshing your mind and body with those things that are meaningful and beautiful to you.

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Quaddie

That's the thing, it's all like, gone. It doesn't have meaning anymore. Even though it did my entire life. Just going through the motions. I had every intention of really buckling down, but I just can't. Of course, there are physical issues interfering as well, but I really honestly, truly and deeply feel that the primary thing that's poisoning my very existence is the requirement to force myself into a situation that is purely hellish for me on every possible level. And now the spectre is looming very close and is horrifying to me, and the consequences of not doing it are real and also horrifying. (And let's not get into "life changes" to make things more feasible because I've already done all I can in that department.)  

So also, the meaning feels gone. It all feels gone. Partly possibly because one of my most important physical tools in that department has been compromised and I'm not yet successfully fixing it after nearly a year.   I'm too old for that, anyway, at this point "pipe dream" isn't even the word, it's more elusive even than that. (and yes, there are things in life you can indeed be too old for...)    I didn't do what I needed to do in life.  Wasted my life in other things just trying to make a living, which efforts actively harmed and destroyed me, and nothing's left. 

 

This isn't just "burnout." Not at least about the other things in life - I'm just done with so much of it. It's not like I'm ever going to get back the desire to plunge back into the matrix full of razors. I can't unsee what I've seen, un-experience what I've experienced for decades and decades, or un-know what I know.  It's not temporary avoidance -  it's permanent and overwhelming aversion on every level of my being.

 

Haven't been able to really get into anything. I'm just so broken, I guess. I can't get it back.  (And also, no medications, they're not appropriate for me, and in the past they haven't really worked and the side-effects are not anything I am willing to risk. But the overarching issue isn't something that any kind of rx can possibly fix, cure or even make "cope-able" - not that I believe in making a horrorshow cope-able. I just can. not.  I can't.)

 

I know this sounds like some sort of textbook symptom but it's different in ways I can't really explain, and it's much more multi-faceted, and the standard fixes just don't work and don't apply. There's only one way I can feel better and I'm the only one who can make that happen and I'm not. for whatever reason. I mean obviously if I'm not doing it, I'm not good enough or trying hard enough or whatever. That's not gratuitous self-blame, it's reality.

And of course there's all that social meme preaching about "attitude makes things happen" or whatever....   which of course doesn't help, either, and only makes me feel like, "Okay, I know, but still feel the way I feel, and still am not able to make a miracle happen - for whatever reason - and yeah, maybe it's because of 'attitude' or maybe it's because I'm just too crispy burnt-into-carbon-flakes, or maybe I'm just not good enough, or maybe I'm just missing some essential element that makes things happen, and maybe there's just actually nothing left, and it's still my own fault for not being able to pull myself up by my bootstraps and make that magical miracle happen."   I know what I need to do, but it's not something you can just decide to do one day and make miraculously happen. The odds are against, no matter what. But I honestly, honestly, honestly .... cannot..... survive.....  without finding and making some miracle. 

All the rah-rah in the world doesn't change or help, either -  I'm just not inspired or motivated by what other people seem to be. And I'm in pain every which way, which I'd have to deny and cover, and a billion different types of physical and mental things I've spent a lifetime pretending don't exist (for survival) and I just can't anymore. I don't think I'm suited for this type of world at all. 

 

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Bennu

I think that it is the human condition.

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Quaddie

What I experience is beyond typical. I'm aware and knowledgeable of the strata of awareness and existence, btdt. And typical existential crises. And typical anything. My life and experiences aren't typical, and my situation is well outside it. To a very, very high extreme. I can't go into more details or else I'd be humiliating myself even more. 

 

If it seems like I'm experiencing garden-variety whateverness, then perhaps I'm not able to successfully portray the depths, intensity, desperation or extremity. But forgive the analogy, it may be like comparing a headache to a migraine, only  that's not exactly accurate, either.

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Bennu

How do you think that people who commit suicide feel?

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Tazplu

Hmmm Quaddie,

Sounds like abuse has sucked the joy out of your life. I'm not comparing my situation to yours, but I have felt a total loss of joy for things I once loved, i.e. looking forward to holidays, vacations, an enjoyable activity, etc. I had no joy or passion in my heart for anything anymore. 

Quite unexpectedly, I have had a possibility come up that may require me to move for a job. Only with that have I begun to feel hopeful at all and see glimmers of looking forward to life. I don't know if that's an option for you, but is moving to a totally different area, away from everything negative around you now a possibility? I didn't think it was for me, but I think it may be what has saved me. Consider that it's not you, it's your environment and those around you. Is there any compelling reason you need to stay where you are? Is there anything to lose by you moving somewhere you've always wanted to go? Maybe somewhere you have old friends or like minded colleagues you could connect with?

I fully believe that change is good and sometimes exactly what we need. You know how things will be if you stay where you are - nothing will change unless you make it change. 

Hugs to you Quaddie.

-Tazplu

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Quaddie

Bennu, I'm not sure what the point of your question was and it came off as a bit antagonistic - and, honestly, I've been criticized so continually for all my life for every aspect of my being that I really can't bear my inner feelings being treated in a hostile manner. But the answer, if you really want to know, would be "in the same realm as I do." If a person doesn't want to minimize how I feel, they might understand that. BUT even then, not exactly the same, or necessarily for the same reasons. And nothing, nothing is out there to help me. I know that. My knowledge doesn't make me automatically be having a failure in perspective.

 

My awareness that what I have experienced in my lifetime is completely outside the norm, it's not typical or normal, is knowledge, it's not melodrama or narcissism or whatever. There's no way I can force anyone to truly understand, because most people don't  have anywhere near what these experiences are, and especially not repeatedly and over such a long time - and I'm a sort of unique individual to start with (yes, I know, we all are - but really it's true, although I can't "prove" it, it's just fact)- and so it's easy to assume it must just be "perspective"or  some sort of psychological or attitudinal failing or some other reason I'm just wrong, wrong for feeling the way I do, wrong for being the way I am, wrong for the way my brain works, how I think,  wrong for the way I look - I'm just always wrong, every which way. In a way that's, evidently, very intolerable to others. ("Difference" is only okay if it's within prescribed parameters. So, it's okay to be different, but only if you're different in ways that are understood or deemed acceptable, and I'm not within those parameters.) Not that it matters that  much except  it's essential to survival. I'm not a typical person. I've never been typical. This is one of the "problems" (to being understood). I'm not in any box. (And no, I'm not anywhere on the autism spectrum, and I'm not psychotic or sociopathic or anything like that.) People like to categorize so they can feel more comfortable. Any attempts to categorize me make the other person feel satisfied and comfortable, but only serves to widen the gap in understanding because there truly is no label and I don't fit into those boxes or those assumptions, ever. Very, very few people have truly been able to see me. I don't expect everyone to. But I do expect to be, on the whole, tolerated just as anyone else would be - and that expectation is, evidently, as completely wrong as everything else about me. (Not that my "wrongness in every way" is the problem, it's not - it's that I need to find a miraculous way to subsist that doesn't require me to subject myself to intolerable conditions. However, it does make for a really upsetting existence, tbh. I "get" that not everyone's going to "get" me, and I don't have a problem with that, but I do wish that others would be willing to accept differences between people and just be respectful.)

And how I feel is not necessarily the same way for the same reasons or the same anything as anyone else. Nobody has to believe me that it's atypical, but I shouldn't have to defend my knowledge of my situation or my self.  I'm not just making that up out of thin air. It's a stance come from tons of years, tons of research, tons of observation, tons of feedback, the amalgamation of everything. It's not "just a feeling." It's a fact. But again, nobody has to believe me. It only makes the chasm wider to be assumed that I must be wrong or stupid or flawed somehow, to express what I know. 

 

Tazplu, this has been a constant in every environment in which I live, and I've lived in many. But a couple decades ago, I moved to my dream, where my heart is. This is already where I want to be and it's the only place I want to be. But none of this is a function of where I live. There are other compelling and mandatory reasons not to leave, as well.  But the honest truth is that none of this is environmental. I'm where I want and need to be. My spirits and everything is here. But it's not environmental. It's not my surroundings or community that are the problem. And no matter where I live, the same issues would be - are - still there.  They don't go away. They're permanent. They aren't just "being burnt out" or needing space or time or something different. I've experienced enough different things that end up being more of the same, because it's the premise that's flawed. The basis of it all, is not what I can survive within. It's entirely wrong for me. That's the universe shouting to me loud and clear. And stronger and stronger as my knowledge of life grew and my experiences repeated....  So I know I cannot subsist within the things that I would be required to, and yet I'd have to, and it's horrific to me, it's not tolerable. That's not melodrama speaking, it's knowledge and experience. It's not tolerable but I'm going to be forced to tolerate it.   

 

The problem is me and I know that. That cannot find the magical solution. That I  am not doing it. I know that...   

And to be honest, I'm too old to be dealing with this sort of sh*t in life. After a certain point, one's givead4mn busts and it's stupid. It all becomes stupid.

I've read things about awareness and giftedness and what-have-you which come close to matching some of what's in me, but not all of it, because - again - I have some very unique circumstances and experiences and the whole sum is just completely indescribable, anyway. I don't know why I even try. It's just so hard being so alone in feeling certain desperate and horrible ways, and not being able to find anything that truly jibes... nothing that helps... and no understanding, because I know, I know, I know the answer is "in me" and it's my fail for not "just doing" whatever miracle I need to make happen in order to make it okay.

know the universe screams at me to find the answer and to make a miracle happen, I know it's all on me. I know I was never meant to fit into those boxes, and that's why all I ever earned was grief for trying. I know  all the things I'm supposed to know. I just am not good enough, I guess, to do what you're supposed to do. That's not "low-self-esteem" saying "I'm not good enough," it's just - well, I'm not, or else I'd do it. Be doing it. Have done it.

 

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Bennu

I thought it might be helpful for you to realize that there are people in worse situations, at least I would think that they are worse if they are worth committing suicide over. What might you tell people like that about what to do? You give good advice.

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whitebutterfly11

On another thread, Quaddie, you described it quite beautifully to another member about how after we finally have our own space and feel safe, it's like our subconscious then decides it's okay for us to process everything we had to shelf in order to survive on autopilot during those traumatic times. You described it as a detox, I believe, of the abusive situation, and I thought that was brilliant. 

From my perspective, knowing a small piece of what you've been through (which has been indescribably horrible over numerous situations and over years of experience), it seems like now would be the moment when all of those experiences surface in your mind wanting to be heard, processed, even purged from your system. It's like an emotional detox in which we are required to stop and just let the feelings/symptoms/horror of it all pass through us. That "can'tness" comes from a wise place of knowing within you that may not be able to take a step forward without sorting through some of these experiences. Your brain might be setting limits on what it feels it can take on all at once. It's understandable to be there in that place where reexposure to another work environment may be too great a risk. Maybe it is too risky right now, and that's okay. It's okay because what you've been through was that bad. It was because you feel it in your soul, and because on an emotional, physical, mental level it has affected you in a way that only traumatic and abusive situations can.

If I can bring in a metaphor: when we've been on the front lines battling nonstop against the injustice of abuse, pulling out all our weapons, using all of our strength, trying and trying and trying to live through the experience one step at a time . . . then when we arrive at a place where we have some respite from that battle, we don't waltz right back out into the battlefield after a 5-minute lunch break--no, we collapse. We have fought so hard, for so long, our bodies went numb from the pain and we ignored how terribly tired, wounded, and sick we were in order to keep fighting to keep ourselves alive. Then, it all hits us once we have a break from it all--that we had survived on fumes, that we had no strength left long before we stopped fighting, but we kept going anyway. We collapse. We tend to our wounds. We rest. We recover. To try and stand up and fight again before we have the strength would be a grave mistake because we need to tend to the parts of us that had to go into overdrive trying to mentally protect our brains from the pain going on around us. 

In all of that, I guess what I am trying to express is that you have done marvelously getting through this so far, fighting these battles over and over again, and right now it's okay if it takes time to heal from it all. Granted, there are life expenses and bills and all of that, so I recognize it's not necessarily a long-term solution, but for now it makes sense to just be until it feels safe and you are ready to figure out what happens next.

:hug008:

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Quaddie

Bennu, the thing is that maybe they aren't worse. Even if I just don't want to say certain things straight out, I wouldn't want the degree of my despair discounted or presumed less-than. It's not. 

 

Wb, thank you for the thoughts. The thing is, it's not temporary or a thing to heal and then go back in. I literally cannot. It's been 50+ years of abuse. I can't do it anymore. There is never a safe situation.

 

And it's not just the abuse - although that's plenty reason. I'm not really physically capable, either. Or mentally. Or anything. But not incapable enough to warrant disability (and that wouldn't be nearly enough, anyway - and not an option, anyway). So I have to fight and struggle and pretend to be okay when I'm not. Every moment of everything is always some sort of fight or struggle, even if it's just the overwhelming I can't be here right now wasting what's left of my life trying to dance like a monkey to prove my worth to someone else-ness.

 

And there's no getting around anymore that just people looking at me are misjudging me very derogatorily and there's nothing I can do about it. It's not a "self-esteem" thing (although they created one from it) - it's not a situation a person can just shrug-off and say "Oh well, that's just their opinion" and the advise "just don't let it bother you" doesn't apply, because they take real, actual definite actions against me based on these misjudgments - actions which force me to have to deal with them. Actions which make me the ridiculous pathetic "wrong" person if I don't take them seriously - in their actual scoffs, derisions and critiques and condemnation which no, cannot "just be ignored" because they are actual actions. Not just someone's comments or opinions. They are actual actions. Whereby I am lambasted and castigated and forced to either change ....  just who I am, what I look like, even though there's not actually anything wrong with it except people's assumptions...    It's always blamed on me.   I can't explain in more detail it's too painful and humiliating. But it's happened more than once, more than twice, and it's become unavoidable... and that's in addition - in addition to a zillion other ways and means...   

 

And I literally  do not have anything to give to "them" anymore. It's not a hiatus...   This has been a growing, growing thing over years. It's an awareness and a done-ness with everything about it all. I just can't list everything, it'd take a novel and be a big whiny annoying thing. I literally can't explain all the facets and aspects. But this isn't just something I'm going to heal from. It's not gonna go away, it's not going to get better, there's no option. And if I try  to ignore all the aspects of myself - physically, mentally, emotionally - that it takes to even do that...  there is literally nothing left. That's not "just" perception, it's a fact, I just have nothing left. It's all-consuming in losing myself in every way, not just as "perspective" and not something that any form of coping or trick or mental anything fixes or handles. This is a very holistic and very real  thing. I can't emphasize enough because this is not "all in my head." NONE of this is "just in my head."  It's all real and valid and logical. I just can't explain all the angles to it because it's too much, too long, takes too much, and even if I tried, I'm not confident I could portray it accurately. 

 

There are tons and tons of dimensions to it. It's not just one thing or another, although most people would find just one of them enough to never go there again.

I can't. 

 

I can't.

 

 

 

I cant, and yet I'm too stupid or lazy or unable to figure out alternate means.

 

 

Like, if a person was told, "You have to eat yogurt to survive." But you know that you're physically allergic to yogurt. It fills your body with pain and makes your throat swell so you can't breathe. And it disgusts you, turns your stomach and roils it. But you have to eat that yogurt, because that's the only way to survive. And then you have to hide that your stomach is roiling because you'll get into trouble and castigated and humiliated about it if you don't manage to hide those symptoms. And you have to hide that you can't breathe and pretend that you are just fine, and you have to smile and pretend you can lift a thousand pounds and climb a million stairs even though the pain is making you pass out - or else you will be blamed, condemned and personally  criticized. 

Only that's not even accurate. It's only one tiny part of it. Bad analogy. It's entirely not accurate.  Because there's so much more to it than that. I can't even care about doing any of that, anymore. I can't bring myself to.  I'm far outside the game. It sickens me. There's nothing.  And it would entirely consume my life leaving me zero left for me at all, because that's just what it does. While having to pretend and know that at any second someone is inwardly castigating me just for how I appear, in ways I can't do anything about, and making derogatory assessments and going to punish me for what they presume to be "my bad" no matter how it's not.  It's truly a nightmare that can't be escaped. I can't.

 

It's not just burnout, there's no healing from awareness.  I know the pool is full of boiling toxic water and I can't set foot into it, and what's more, I have nothing to offer anymore anyway. That's not "just self-esteem," either. It's not that I just don't believe in myself. Rather, I just can't do any of it. I can't care, I can't think for them, I can't pretend to care or pretend to engage and be involved in the games and stupid jargony everything that's just part and parcel with it all.    Even the buzzwords and lingo that are inherent in every expectation and role, sicken me. Literally sickens me.  It's toxic to me. Partly because they've been used to terrorize me, but partly also because I just can't bear being in those situations anymore. I can't bear the thought of being forced into them, that world, the way it functions, the dynamics of it all, what's necessary to navigate. I'm fully aware, I've tried everything. I see through it and I can't coast by pretending I don't and pretending to engage (it doesn't work, I've tried)...   I have seriously tried everything, and nothing works, and nothing is okay with any of it. Nothing. Any of it. 

I was never meant to be in those situations. I get it, Universe. I get it. That's why I can't even be treated like a human. I get the message loud and clear, but I'm just done with everything. and I don't have the wherewithall for ...   anything.

 

And even if it were "just the abuse" (which it isn't - but should be enough, in and of itself...)  If you know that, if you stand on the balcony, the crowd is going to throw javelins at you - or someone's going to come up behind you and push you off... And you know that's true because every single time you stand on that balcony, that's exactly what happens.... and it hasn't happened just once or twice, or three times, or four, or five, or six, or seven, but repeatedly and continually for 40 years.... and every time you climb back up, and no matter what you do or how hard you try, or how much you strategize, or what armor you wear, or what you try to do to avoid it, or how you act, or be, or are... no matter what, the javelins get bigger, and the fall gets higher, and the landing gets rockier... Then it's healthy to not go stand on that balcony. It's not something that a person should do.    It'd be ridiculous to expect that balcony to not hold hazards. A person would be stupid not to realize that they shouldn't go on that balcony at all. And they wouldn't be unhealthy to be afraid and to never want to set foot onto it again. It wouldn't be a pathology for them, to avoid that balcony. Because the balcony is truly a hazard. It's truly harmful, and it's getting worse, and they're so beaten-up and harmed from all the previous falls and spears that they know they cannot survive standing there again. So it's not wrong, and not just a phase or something to get over - it's truth. 

 

 

 

 

The game is bad and wrong for me, I can't do it anymore. I can't.

 

Ever.

 

 

 

but I'm so unable to, that I can't do anything else, either. 

 

 

 

 

and even the thing that's been among the most important things in life to me, I'm still trying to regain as I lost it unexpectedly from an illness nearly a year ago, and that in and of itself is extraordinarily upsetting.   and no, there's no "replacement" for it. 

 

Nothing I find, no information speaks to anything really relevant to me. Except like I said, a few pieces speak to the state of mind but don't offer "the" solution, because you have to figure that answer out yourself, and evidently I'm too inept at life to do that, either.  I know the answer is to figure out an alternate solution but I'm just not doing it. Not able. And it's not getting better. I think my brain is just done. Maybe it's just gone forever now. Could be. It's had plenty of time and trying and self-care and all that. It's just not the same. All this causes injury, and maybe it's too far gone to be able to bounce back anymore. When is enough, enough? I went wayyy past "enough" and now I think it's just done.

 

ETA: Plus, I've had so many people in those situations tell me what a piece of crap I am, and insist strongly and officially and repeatedly in a variety of ways, and ridicule and scoff at me if I disagree.... so many... that maybe they're right and I'm wrong, and I truly am a piece of crap, and I truly am ridiculous to think I'm not as awful as they insist that I am - in whatever way du jour they're saying it, and from whatever authority-on-high they enlist to drive home the message, and in whatever official action they use to do so.  I'm struggling with not thinking I might be as hideous as they keep telling me that I am, because when so many do that, and so repeatedly, maybe I truly am ridiculous to think I'm not. just a worthless piece of crap, and how stupid and foolish it is if I think I have value in the way that I believed I did.  Maybe I truly am ridiculous and pathetic. I don't know anymore. I honestly don't.

 

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whitebutterfly11

Your suffering is real and palpable. I'm so sorry you've suffered for so long.

And I do apologize if my words don't fit your experience--although I can try my best to understand, I only know a small part of what you've been through. That said, I can definitely feel your pain in it, from what you are saying and in the empty spaces between the words. 

You are so conscious and self-aware and you explain your experience beautifully. I can't speak for others here, but at least on my part sometimes I want so badly to help you feel better/validated/empowered, but I forget that sometimes instead of help or solutions, what we truly need is to be heard.

So, I hear you.

I sense your pain. I can literally feel it as I read your experience.

I'm so very sorry.

I know there is nothing I can do to change things for you, but I can say quite sincerely that I care.

It sucks. Life sucks. I'm just grateful that when my life sucked the most, I had this place with people like you to help ground me. 

Thank you.

:hug008:

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Quaddie

Thank you for listening.

There is also I guess a lot of dissociation going on. But everything I look up, nothing can fix it, and time isn't something I have, and if I have to go back into the mire then it never will. Also I've read that some of it can be due to physiological changes of this point in life. I know I had to deeply compartmentalize just to survive for probably most of my life, and combined with the inability to identify and express feelings and perspectives - and the negative consequences if I did - and a lot of really bad traumatic situations that were also extended and sustained in nature (not just one or a few or any sort of "countability" - not the type you can just address individually, as it was the whole... to "get over" and it's too late anyway, after like 55 years of this.) Just going through the motions at this point.

And that (dissociation) is nowhere near the whole or majority of the "why" I feel as I do. It's only part of it, it's disturbing but only part of it. This has been going on and growing for a very, very long time, and of course my logical perspective is very, very valid and actually "healthy." Intellectually, it's actually a normal awareness for someone whose brain works the way mine does, and there's nothing wrong with the awareness of the ... underpinnings of things ... hard to explain...   and there's nothing wrong with the inability to subject oneself to things proven to be harmful and torturous. On top of harm on top of harm, layers and layers of it, that would all need to be subjugated in order to just exist. Besides the actual physical pain,  and other physical challenges that are inevitable yet need to be pretended don't exist, plus the abuse and negative judgments that always occur, and the overwhelming mental depletion, and... it's simply not tolerable in any way, shape or form.

 

But. I can't even do anything about anything. Nothing helps. Nothing can help. I look and look, and there's nothing. No information, no talking, no magical medication. The only way out is to figure the way out, and I can't seem to do that. I can't even care or want to connect to anything, and everything that's even an option is a reminder of more things I'm avidly averse to (for good reason). And I can't feel my soul anymore. It's had all the time I've got, to come back, and it didn't. I feel like just walking up into the mountain and disappearing.

 

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Quaddie

Also there's this really big issue I can't explain very well, about authenticity vs. survival. My authentic self is not deemed acceptable in those environments - not because I'm a jerkhole, but because of people's inability to not-negatively-judge or make assumptions. Knowing that's "not my bad" doesn't help because it keeps repeating, it's inevitable. So you're not allowed to be yourself, then condemned for not being yourself, at the same time very horribly condemned for who and what people assume you are (but you are not).  I've tried every which way to deal with this and the only thing that's even semi-safe is to constantly be aware of certain physical aspects of myself and continually making sure I am doing certain things to try to prevent other people from making those negative judgments. But no one can (or should) be forced to have to continually be that self-conscious and constantly have to worry about adjusting things about themselves to try to prevent other people from being a jerk to them. And I'm not even sure that would work anymore as things have deteriorated. It's not right and I just can't do it anymore. It's horrible to have been personally condemned and "official" action taken against, to a heinous and inconceivable degree, so much - just for who you are or what you look like.  Nobody would be able to deal with that. 

 

But all around, you're supposed to be able to be yourself. Authenticity is increasingly important to me but I've never been permitted without severe negative consequences. And keeping myself to myself is disallowed as well. It's truly a catch-22. There's no "tribe" and there's no way to "find my people" and there's just no way to pick and choose who gets the authority to create your subsistence, in that world. It's too much strategizing and game-playing and I'm always at the bottom being stomped on. I can't live just trying to avoid abuse or the condemnation of jerkholes and yet it seems there's no option. Because I'm not able to find that magical answer that lets me subsist without it.

 

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Quaddie

I was watching a tv show last night, and the episode ended with this magna-CEO, having really screwed up, being called into a board review meeting where they were obviously going to have his b**lls. 

The scene was him entering the room, the boardroom table was full of people looking sternly at him, they said his name to call him in, and he turned and slowly closed the door behind him (camera shot of the closed door from outside the room, and..... scene.)

 

This scene brought me horrible terror. It hit me in that moment, how many times I've been subjected to being that person called into the horrible serious critical condemnation meeting, and that door closing behind me  to make it "private," what they were doing.

 

Now, I wasn't an &*&&shole like this magna-CEO and didn't do jerkhole things - but that never mattered. I was still treated as if I had.  What followed has always been some sort of really horrible and insane degradation and traumatic condemnation and helpless, helpless castigation and effed-up-ed-ness.

 

I realized, in the moment of watching that scene - that I have a horrible fear of being called into a room and told to shut the door.

I realized I never ever EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER  can subject myself to that, ever again.

I just can't.

 

This isn't the kind of thing where positive motivation is going to magically make me able to pull miracles out of my butt. I hate "positive motivation." It has the opposite impact on me. It's empty and blahblahblah.

 

I just realized that that's a legit, genuine terror - borne of countless  true experiences. 

 

My "I just can'ts" aren't just words. They are more of the power of, if someone were to say, "Hey, go stand on that cliff and walk off of it!"  Or, "Hey, see that bonfire? Go stand in the middle of it for a while!" I literally can't.

 

I'm just saying that. I don't have a perky "BUT I'm going to do blahblahblah and yaddayaddayadda!!!  I'm going to be fine! I can because I believe!" blahblahblah.   That's not who I am. I just have to figure it out. But I've been saying that forever. I have to figure it out, figure out how to magically fix it, and somehow get myself to do what works to fix it - somehow, magically.

 

And to do that, it's important to remember this terror.

I didn't realize the door thing until last night. And I wanted to talk about it.

 

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