Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • vpc

      Our Place Has Moved   09/30/2018

      Our Place has moved to a new location:      http://ourplaceonline.freeforums.net/forum  You will need to reregister at the new site as we are unable to transfer any content from here to there.   You will no longer be able to post here after 4th October, but the forum will remain visible until the end of October. If you are having problems registering at the new site, please admin.our.place@gmail.com                                                                                             
Sign in to follow this  
Quaddie

Some stupid title about not being able to do what life requires

Recommended Posts

Vanilli

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain Quaddie. You're not that crud that they make you believe you are, my all value you here Quaddie.  I know it's not a solution, but I echo what Percolate is asking - do you have any support in day to day life? :hug:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home
On 8/13/2018 at 9:26 PM, Quaddie said:

 

I think perhaps I really am the pathetic ridiculous horrible hideous piece of crud that I'm so often accused of being.

 

I am no therapist but I listen to a few therapists so I have heard this said a lot. When the voice in your head is not positive, "houston, we have a problem." Your inner voice should be positive and cheering you on. When it's not, you need help outside yourself. This is not something you can fix on your own. It doesn't make you a bad person AT ALL. It's a symptom of depression or a disorder or something only a professional can tell you. And once you know what it is, you can start fixing it. 

I was physically sick for TEN YEARS! I'm sure all my doctors' charts said I was a hypochondriac because whenever I would go to a new specialist with a new symptom, that's basically what they told me. I was starting to believe it myself. Then, FINALLY, I found the right specialist, got the oddest diagnosis and all the pieces fit. And because we now knew what we were dealing with, we could treat it and I could alter my living style to stay healthy. After 10 years of continuously being sick, I have been enjoying good health for 15 years. The point is this: when we didn't know what it was, we couldn't treat it, and I stayed sick. Knowing is everything! 

You need to go down this same road emotionally. You need to talk to professionals who can find out what is going on, THEN you can start getting better. Do this for yourself. You deserve it!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

Did we offend you are scare you away? I hope not. We are just trying to show that we care. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Vanilli

Thinking of you Quaddie, sorry if you felt worse by my response. I know it won't fix things, but I just hope that you have other people who support you in life, you shouldn't have to struggle alone. Hope I didn't make you feel pushed or misunderstood, we are here to listen and be there for you first and foremost xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

To wrap up before this disappears. Looks like I can't really save anything.

I had to abandon ship because of something I can't talk about, but which was referenced in a separate thread, reappearing after a long time - which, albeit blocked, made this feel unsafe for me.

I appreciate your thoughts.

A-Z, the physical issues are real and not really addressable, more than they've already been or which I'm already doing and continually trying to. There are multiple things going on. Among which, very notably, are serious visual and physical eye issues which as you might imagine seriously impact my ability to do just about anything. I've already been through the wringer already with it "professionally." It's a conglomeration of issues, some present all my life which have just grown more problematic with the demands of technology, some which began coming to the fore probably 6 years ago and have been as addressed as they possibly can. But it just is going to continue to be an issue and which gets worse as I age, and is exacerbated by all the things we do in life and all the things necessary to monetize one's life. Plus I have other (real) physical issues which cause serious pain and sometimes disability as well. They are structural and neurological, and I have already been to doctors, and no diagnosis past those already given would change anything (I actually have a better track record of "fixing" things by myself, doctors have been less than helpful, and I don't even want a true overarching dx anymore because I have a feeling it's something that would make me feel much worse for "having." Also they tend to prescribe medications that I will not or cannot take, which then makes me a "bad patient" but the side-effects to me are worse than the conditions.) There's no "getting better" from this stuff, it's a conglomeration of misc. things that have been going on for a very long time and just coming to the forefront due to advancing age and wear/tear. And again, I can't or will not take any medications that might be promoted because their side-effects are worse for me than what they alleged they might possibly help. And underneath it all is, I suspect, some very rare stuff that nobody is equipped to even think about and they would ridicule me for suggesting the answer isn't obvious, or disbelieving their shallow guesses that never really fully explain it. I gave up a long time ago (with some of it) because there simply is no point, and I don't even care to know anymore, anyway. But again, there are multiple layers and dimensions of things going on.  I've been experiencing some of these issues for more than 4 decades so it's not like I've never been to medical or tried. I just get better results on my own - even with actual dx's. But now, at this point in my life, age and wear and tear come into play.  Additionally I have a digestive situation which causes immense stress and is exacerbated if I can't be in a situation in which I'm able to immediately address needs, and/or if there is any criticism or condemnation of such (which has happened!). If forced to live daily in an outside environment I cannot give myself what I need, it is impossible to treat myself as I need in order to minimize stress and physical strain and/or to back off what I'm doing when I need to, and am forced to do things that harm me while at the same time pretend everything is hunky-dory. At the same time as all that (it's all very complicated - there are multiple dimensions to this) I've been (literally!) forced to be excruciatingly aware that my (unchangeable and I shouldn't have to compensate by altering my behaviors just because people are jerks) physical appearance isn't tolerable to some others and am castigated for that unless I do things that are completely against my soul or health or being-ness.  And those are all just physical aspects of why it's all so bad and wrong for me. The mental and emotional aspects are immense as well. I wish I could fully tell all the stories, because they're so outrageous and hideous, I know it's "not me" but it is still me who has to deal with it. It's overwhelmingly bad for me, on every level, to have to do what I am forced to do.  I can't fully describe it.

I'm forced into impossible situations in order to survive and just exist. I know the universe told me that they're the wrong situations and that I need to find some other answer, but I haven't been able to. Not that I've not tried and been trying and am still trying to find the magical solution. Not like I'm just sitting there whining doing nothing. I work hard trying to find solutions. Just not hard enough or good enough or successfully enough. 

 

There's no support and nothing that can help for fix this - literally. And that's not "just whining," either. No meds, no outlook, no state of mind, no talking to anyone, nothing can fix my life situation except me somehow finding and executing that mysterious magical solution that would allow me to exist in a plane and dimension in which I can be comfortable, attend to my own needs, and not be forced into situations that are intolerable to me while I have to pretend that I love them, while inside I can't take it. (And remember, this is not "just" the same thing as everyone else experiences - I passed that point decades ago, and truly do have very, very unique sets of circumstances, and being consistently and repeatedly targeted for severe and life-damaging abuse in workplaces despite whatever lengths I go to avoid it, and my options and opportunities are extremely few and extremely limited, anyway.)   
 

I've already run through all the processes and problem-solving and answers. By the time I say "there's nothing," there truly is nothing. It's not that I haven't thought of it. It's not that I haven't tried. It's that really, you can't fix a flat tire by talking about it, or gathering around and giving it support, or by taking medication, or by having friends. It's a real thing. The tire can't be fixed by attitude. The tire just has to be removed and repaired. That's probably a bad analogy. The next theme would be, "but if you (got support, took meds, etc.) it'd be easier to fix the tire. Well like I said, it's a bad analogy. Because it's possible for other people to help fix the tire, or possible if you have the right tools. But in my situation there's literally no one who can fix it but me, and I'm not succeeding. There's no magic savior that's gonna come in and swoop up my life and make it so I can survive without doing things that are very, very harmful and painful and damaging to me on every level and dimension. That'd be magical thinking. There's simply no outside answer. The facts are real. And if nobody trusts me on that, I feel it'd be a form of disrespect. I feel utterly disrespected, discredited and negated if people suggest that the true facts and genuine things are flaws in perspective - they're not. I've been externally validated on many occasions that they're not flaws in my perspective, that I'm totally reality-based.

I've lived my life more than half a century, I've been through experiences I can't even describe, things so outrageous they're unbelievable (but I have proof)... Outrageous actions, outrageous accusations and being forced into situations that are destructive, stereotyping that's soul-killing and the utmost in gaslighting... that I can't escape because I just am how I am, and I look how I look, and it's getting "worse" as I age (because of other people's increased stupid jerkholiness stereotyping and misjudgments, not because "I feel bad about how I look." I don't, except that I can't help but be reminded anymore every time I look in the mirror because of the outrageous and awful things done... which I can't even talk about, and which I never had a voice about to the people who did it to me. And that frankly does eat at me. It was so heinous and I'm not able to have a voice. I'm never considered a voice of authority about anything - perpetually condescended-to, patronized, put-down, and not being able to even say, "What you did was horribly offensive and illegal and wrong - and here's why" - Not being able to do that - even though I'm of course well aware that against abusers it's futile, but this was no social situation, no family situation, it was professional and so incredibly bad and wrong that I can't even, and it harmed me. Not just that, but the lifetime of it all, I'm just done with all that, because setting foot back into it is just like setting foot into a boiling tarpit of poison - and being forced to is a nightmare to me. Not because of my perspective. My perspective is accurate. My experiences are real and valid. They happened. They're legit. And they're inevitable, because ignoring the fact that it repeats over decades and grows worse with each passing situation would be ignorant. No matter what I do.  (So the "you just haven't found the right blablahblah" thing truly does not apply in this case.) That's just what happens.  And I stuffed and stuffed, and compartmentalized, and "rose above," and faked and pretended, and ignored the despair within me for so long that I just cannot do it anymore. 

But I'm not going to alter my every part of my being just because I have a unique, "perfect storm" of situations and appearance factors, and mental needs, that make people assume crap and treat me like crap, which has been so very destructive to my life.  

The only answer is to find the magical solution that allows me to not be in those situations, but failing at that means I'm forced to be in them, and it's a horrible nightmare for me, no matter what, on every dimension of my being. Physical, mental, emotional/psychological, spiritual/soul... everything.  And topping it off, the lack of even opportunity or ability. No matter that I am trying. I'm trying a lot of things. So many that I'm still backburnering my soul's true need and calling, because survival always takes precedence. And it's not something that should or really can be backburnered. Probably too late, anyway. But I have to pretend it's not too late, for my own soul to continue.

I need to be entrusted as a credible, knowledgeable, reality-based viewer and liver of my own life. Something which almost never happens. Not everything is about "perspective" and not everything can be resolved by standard means.  The fact that I cannot craft my life into what it desperately needs to be, is existentially despairing. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

To save your threads:

- Highlight the whole thread by putting the mouse on the start and scroll to the end, while keeping the right-click button pressed.

- Right-click 'copy'. It means you copy the contents of the post, not the link to it (which won't work anymore end of September)

- Open your email programme.

- Start a new email addressed to yourself 

- In this post, right-click 'paste'. Your post is now visible in your email

- Click 'send' to send yourself the message. You will find your post saved in your inbox and sent box

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

Quaddie,

I'm actually glad to see that you're back. I also have lifelong serious medical issues that I deal with. I think a lot of people who lived in abuse develop multiple autoimmune disorders. I'd love to see a study done on that. And autoimmune issues are VERY hard to pin down and DX. I lived that frustrating journey, too. 

I wish you peace and less pain/discomfort. I wish I could help but realize that I can't. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bennu

I also live with a lifelong serious medical issues. I sometimes have to teach wearing a diaper, fearing  a smelly, accident at any minute. That's definitely not an easy situation to deal with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

My symptoms started when I got married. And now that I'm not...I am basically completely better except for some wonky bloodwork. Put me in a study! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Sign in to follow this  

×