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Quaddie

Some stupid title about not being able to do what life requires

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Vanilli

I'm sorry you are surrounded by so many horrible people who don't appreciate you for who you are <3 (and worse than that :(). I hear you on that, I'm just here listening whenever you need to share. :hug:

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Quaddie

Thank you for listening and caring.

I'm not surrounded right now, at this moment, but it's a perpetual and repeated thing if I am forced to delve back into that.... which my time "safe" from it is probably ending. Unless I can make a miracle.Thus the being-forced-to-eat-dirt nightmare... and the hurtling-through-space-into-a-crash-I-can't-prevent nightmare...

 

I was working on trying to hone my novel-length "have my voice" document all day yesterday (because I still feel I can't begin to even get past what they did to me at a prior job unless I am able to have my say - which won't fix the severe impact it's had on me, but at least I'll have my voice)... It haunts me all the time, and part of the reason is because I never got to have my say. I probably worked on it for like two minutes too long (without realizing it) and today I am in a ton of pain.   And I barely made a dent in it. And of course in doing that, I couldn't work on any of the other really important things in my life...

 

Everything is too much, and there's not enough of me as a resource, or survival resources, unless I harm myself in a variety of ways getting them.

 

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AZ-home

Similar to you, I write letters to my offenders as if I'm going to send them, but of course I never intend to send them. But I use it as therapy and it really does help get the goo out. Some people will burn them. I like to keep them and look back at them later to see how far I have come. I have one pair of people, I have written at least four very long letters to them. I hand write them because my thoughts flow better that way. And I can draw things and embellish it to get my point across. When I look back at those four letters, the first one was SO raging and full of profanity, that I DID destroy that one. I remember the first line started with "How dare you..."  LOL! And you could see the steam going out of the pot in the ones that followed. 

17 hours ago, Quaddie said:

Everything is too much, and there's not enough of me as a resource, or survival resources, unless I harm myself in a variety of ways getting them.

Don't try to "get them." It always backfires and ends up making US look bad. Let karma get them. It's not as satisfying, in that I usually have to wait a very very long time to see it. But it usually happens eventually.

I hope you can find some peace in the storm.

 

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Quaddie

This isn't the type of letter to offender that will never get sent. If I didn't intend to send it, then there are already probably over a hundred pages of notes, already written down, and there'd be no point in my even bothering to refine it into readability. I can't help that the words come into my head, and I write them down when they do, or else they spin around in there. But it's not just the act of writing that has the ability to provide me my voice. The act of writing is just entombing the words. It's not freeing and "airing" them that way does nothing to help. It provides no voice. It would be actually putting my voice in the hands of those who need to hear it that I need. Whatever they do or don't do from there. I need to have my say to the actual people who did a heinous act under some insane conviction that they felt justified in being outrageously inappropriate and offensive and harming someone. Not scream into a black hole of nothingness - that's not having my say. I know - trust me I know that's the advice given to abuse targets - to write it down to vent. I'm a writer, I've been a writer all my life, but the act of writing in silence and having no ability to voice my truth is killing me.

This isn't an interpersonal relationship thing, so that makes this different, as well.

Most of the other times, I've had a way to have my say. This time I did not. And I think that's part of why it's just not something that will go away. It's not an "obsession." ANYONE would feel this way. What they did was so heinous and outrageous and damaging - personally and in other ways. I'm sick of people pulling this s*t on me and then skating away as if I'm not even a human. Like I'm a fking troll under the bridge. 

It has nothing to do with trying to get them back or making them look bad - it's all about what *I* need to do for *ME.* And I honestly don't care about if they get karma. It's not about karma - and there WILL be no karma for them - I know this for a fact, I have been through and done enough of this. I'm extremely experienced in these types of things. And even if there was, I'd never see or know, and it would have nothing to do with me, and it wouldn't matter. It's not about satisfaction or gratification or "getting them back." And it wouldn't change for an instant the way I've been harmed. It's just about the ability to have my voice.

And it's extremely important to me to have my voice. I believe it also has literally played a role in shutting my actual physical voice down, and I'm a singer and that's extremely important to me.

I don't think I can make it clear how much I already know or understand, or be trusted to know all I need to know about the ins and outs and repercussions. Trust me, I know alllllllllll about not trying to "get them." I wrote the book on all this stuff especially re: workplace scenarios. I know all the avenues and channels, I know all the backfires, I have experienced so much that nobody can really know or understand. 

Also, it doesn't matter if it "makes me look bad" because they already did that. And I already know they'd view me as ridiculous - but they already do, anyway. 

Everywhere. Everywhere - everywhere in society and culture and memes and how-tos and honoring the SELF and authenticity - it promulgates the importance of "having your voice." Abuse thrives in silence. I'm increasingly frustrated that everything I experience - I'm never ever permitted a voice.  I'm never permitted anger. I'm always expected to be ever-absorbing of every ill act anyone ever does. Always! Forever! (And I'm not religious and I don't believe in perennially turning the other cheek because frankly it does.not.work and does.not.make.life.better and if someone had given me some different counsel early in life, who knows what a difference it might have made???)

And if I do express discontent with treatment of me, I'm attacked, and/or viewed as the ridiculous pathetic one. I get that. I understand that. But being completely suppressed and not allowed to share my perspective and tell my story is killing me. I can't "just get past it." I've tried. It's been enough time. I can't. This literally had huge repercussions for me on every level. Every time I look in the mirror, I'm forced to remember. Every time I interact with anyone, I'm forced to remember. It's not because I'm stupid or effed-up and "need to learn to get past it." It's because I need to have my say. 

I was a good girl and I took the high road too much in life and it didn't get me anywhere. I kept my mouth shut because I never was honored if I spoke up, and it just always led to more disrespect so it's damned if I do and damned if I don't. The only way to gain any semblance of "power" and not be utterly helpless is to tell my truth. I can't be disallowed all my truths forever and ever and ever about everything. 

It seems like, in every life situation where someone fks me over, I'm not permitted to be angry. I'm not permitted to be considered reality-based (by those who decide not to listen). I'm not permitted to have my perspective respected. I'm viewed as stupid, silly, ridiculous, pathetic. I'm viewed as wrong no matter what I do. How silly that I think I should have a voice and tell them those things! I know that's how they react. But the silence eats me up alive. I have so many stories and I'm forced into silence because of the potential repercussions. I gag and choke and am sick from the unsaid things. The truths I'm not allowed to tell and am forced to keep down and smothered because it "isn't the right thing to do."

This isn't "just" an ex who was abusive. (Not to diminish relationship abuse, of course, but this isn't the same thing.) This wasn't an interpersonal relationship. This was the last straw in a series of really heinous things that deeply impacted me in a very real and very, very personal way. 

And actually, they asked for this information. It would just be a delayed response to their own question.

I'm sick of everything. Truly sick of everything.

I can't even express the depths and seriousness of that - the degree and severity of sickness of everything.

It's like, each person is supposed to have a right to have some level of authenticity - and I can't - I literally cannot force myself anymore to be the hundred levels of fake I'm expected to be (at threat and condemnation) in order to just try to avoid being abused. And we're not talking just garden-variety fake. We're talking deep and impossible and not just "attitude" but physical and mental on every single level in all-consuming ways. Just in order to do the things we're all forced to do just to survive. But no matter what I do, people stereotype and misjudge and project and condemn and insult and attack me - for things I'm not - and my entire life is a history of being totally and completely and outrageously effed.  And I just can't anymore. I just can't.

 

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AZ-home

Write a book! 

Publish it for all the world to see. 

OR...write it under a pen name.

I have SERIOUSLY been contemplating this.

2 hours ago, Quaddie said:

But no matter what I do, people stereotype and misjudge and project and condemn and insult and attack me - for things I'm not - and my entire life is a history of being totally and completely and outrageously effed.

I experienced, and am still experiencing this too. People have judged me for things I didn't do, shunned me based on lies, rejected MY TRUTH and called me a liar, and basically turned their backs on me all while never even really understanding me or trying to understand me. I have been criticized and condemned my whole life. I FINALLY got to the f*  them phase. 

F* them Quaddie! Stand in your truth! You don't need their approval! I don't need my people's approval! These people ARE.NOT.your.friends. Why are you still trying to please them? They are horrible people who don't deserve to KNOW YOU. They don't deserve you! If you are stuck with interacting with them, I'm very sorry. But it took me a very long time to get there but I finally just...let it gooooooo. I don't give a flyin' rat's a** what anyone thinks of me, what they think I'm doing, or their opinion of me. And I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody's business. But I DON'T care anymore. My reputation/character got destroyed and after some time marinading in that, I grew a thick shell. 

I

Dont

Care

When people start going down that road of condemnation of me....bye! Buh bye. Some of these wezels are family members that I have to interact with. Gray rock! Fake smile. No drama.

I don't fully understand the details of your situation because you have to leave out the details that would make it easier for me to understand it. I respect that. So I can't relate to it perfectly. I'm also not saying that my way is the best way or that I'm doing it the right way. But I do know that if you can get to the point where you don't care what they think OR DO...it's freeing. My faith helped me in this area (said the woman who just used profanity...LOL!...I don't care anymore...judge me. Don't care.) I try not to push my beliefs on people unless they ask. But I was SOOOOO bitter! So bitter! I was angry at SO many people. I sounded just like you do above. I was that mad. That indignant. And I feel, rightfully so. As are you. You have a right to be mad. You have a right to speak your truth. If you lose people, they need to go. If you lose MASSES of people, as I did, they deserve to go too because obviously they are not your true friends. 

I cleaned house. My circle is SO SMALL. My last narc encounter (fake friend) basically ended all the new friendships I had started after my divorce. I might move away because I think I have burned all my bridges in this small town. But my small group who stood by me and saw the real me under the gossip and slander, they are healthy wonderful people. Speaking my truth revealed who to keep and who to let go. I had to adjust to this smaller group of supporters but, I got quality over quantity.

Speak your truth Quaddie. It's obvious you need to. The bomb will go off. And you will survive. In fact, after the smoke clears, you may just thrive. 

 

 

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Vanilli

Quaddie, I can feel all your pain through the page right now. You are strong for saying what you are saying here with us and not allowing that true and real part of yourself that knows right from wrong and violence from kindness go out. 

Keep writing your truth out, we are right here with you. 

:hug:

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Quaddie

I'm not able to answer or.. .this isn't about self-esteem or trying to please them. I'm not that... that's just not me. In fact, it's the opposite of that. I've encountered things that are so outside that realm that it seems I can't adequately describe them without going into details that are too upsetting and humiliating.  This isn't about bitterness. It's not about "not caring." It's not about my inability to not give a f. 

 

I think the situations I encounter are so outside normalcy that most people do not encounter and can't relate, and also the same "rules" of what goes on in relationships re: abuse do not necessarily apply in these situations at all.  And I really truly need to be trusted, that I know all that already. This is not the standard stuff at all.  And really to the gods'-honest-factual truth, in these situations you cannot "just not care" because then you are just condemned more. I really don't want to have to get into a big thing about that.... and I need to be entrusted that I know how not to care about "what people think" and it's not just about that at all, but that there are situations where - think - you are forced to be at the whim of others' expectations and judgments, it's not optional - and if you don't agree with their assessments - or play a horrible and grotesquely disgusting game where you "pretend" to agree with their condemnation and "pretend" that you hear and are changing your entire being just to please them, then they hate you and destroy you even moreThis is not about my self-esteem, not about my ability to "not care what others think of me," not about anything standard that comes along with social or relationship abuse, because this is not social or relationship abuse. It's a whole different ball game. It's not about social circles, or caring what others think. It's not about any of that.    I really truly wish that I could be trusted on this. It's not the same as social or relationship abuse at all. It's completely and utterly different ball game entirely and the same things simply do not apply. And I've tried everything. I've tried it all. And none of it works or helps. And it just keeps getting worse because I'm getting older and allllll the things that feed into that make everything so much worse.

 

And to be honest, I am writing a book, but I can't say more because it is indeed a secret project - for many years. But that does not solve or help or assist anything about my situation or my need to have a direct voice to these people. It's entirely separate. 

 

Please just trust that I'm well aware of and beyond all the basics of abuse target 101 and know all this stuff, and it really to be honest (if I'm allowed to be upset) it upsets me when I'm not believed that I know these or trusted when I say it is not about self-esteem or not-giving-a-crap-what-others-think (and in fact it's the opposite)... I just need to be trusted as being the authority of my own life and self-knowledge of my psyche. 

 

I've also just realized that if I don't counter this stuff directly, then the "perp" may very well feel free to offer her personal and very outrageously inappropriate and wrong and extremely damaging "opinions" of me to others if they call her (and they do - remember, this is not about social or relationships) - I know how they work. I've seen it happen many times with my own eyes - someone calls someone else (because everybody is connected to somebody, and they all network with each other) who worked with so-and-so, and they say, "Hey, what's the story on so-and-so?" And then they dish - "informally." I've heard and seen it happen with my own eyes. That's just what they do. So if I am forced to try to get something in order to make a survival income, and they want to check up on me "informally" because they know so-and-so who was where I was .... and she defames me to them, then that directly impacts my ability to survive. But if I do at least counter their outrageous actions by voicing the inappropriateness (and tbh, illegality) of what they did - then at least they'd be aware that it's actionable and hopefully it would give them pause and refrain from defaming me to others and hopefully not interfere in my own ability to survive.

 

I need .... I need to be understood that this is nothing to do with self-esteem or how I "frame" this internally. And that I've been through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through and through this stuff (and abuse) for more than half a century.  I'm no newbie and I've experienced nearly every permutation of everything.  And there's no effing way I can set foot back into an environment anymore and yet I may be forced to just for survival and it tears my soul and gut into shreds and sickens me so badly that I honestly cannot do it. And no one understands or takes seriously the high degree of desperation to not do that anymore. And yet there's nothing anyone can do because "the answer lies in me" and blahblahblahblahblah. And I'm no miracle worker. And I'm sick to death of it all. Everything. And people my age should not have to be starting over a zillion times and be treated as if I'm a stupid ridiculous fool with zero respect. (And now, because I've been actively prevented from being granted any level of anything for so long, it's like my entire base is viewed as worthless. And my physical body - which I cannot change - is the subject of much hostility and really outrageous and horrible abuse, which I'm powerless against because of the way they do it. And yes, I've tried everything I could and nothing makes anything better. We used to be taught to respect our elders and now I'm just a pathetic fool who only deserves to be treated with abuse and horrible outrageous disrespect. I'm tired and I'm not well.  I CAN"T do crap that I have to do and it causes me intense pain and illness and I have to pretend it doesn't, just to get by. There's no options. And I can't even physically or mentally exist within those environments anymore, and I can no longer waste all my limited energy and life by going into those prisons anymore, and I'm just in a lot of pain in so many ways that nobody can "fix" either, and nothing is okay. 

 

And that this isn't a temporary situation that's going to pass. That this is life. It's not something I can take anymore, and yet there's no option and no answers and you "have to" but I can't. The abuse in these situations has escalated and been so incredibly terrorizing that I can't even explain them...  (and of course this is not the only kind of thing I've ever been through... some older members might remember a whole lotta other really horrible stuff, too)...    But it's not tolerable. It's not tolerable. It's not going to suddenly be tolerable. I'm not going to suddenly become a different person who fits into these entirely unsuitable situations and suddenly has a different face and a different body and an entirely different being. And the realization that it's the wrong situation is the right realization - it's just that I don't have answers or options. 

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Quaddie

I may be at a crossroads now. There's a thing that came to me that I'm supposed to call them back, but if I re-engage in that world... just the idea of it sends me into such despair that I can't even explain or describe it. On every level of my being.

It's like just packing up my life, body and soul and shoving it into a razor-lined suitcase into the back of a closet somewhere that will never be seen again and suffocate and die, very painfully, while being forced to pretend it enjoys being twisted and shoved into nothingness like that, and while pretending it doesn't hurt.  That's not even an accurate analogy, but like I said, I can't describe how it feels.

And if I talk about it, it's like there's nobody who truly seems to understand the depth and intensity and validity of all of it, and sometimes it gets minimized or falsely equated or basically "lectured" about things you "just have to do" or that "everybody" feels that way (when they don't, and I know this for a fact)...   there's nothing I can say to anybody, nowhere to go. And nothing I can do. When everything about every cell in me screams in pain and terror no, don't do it...   and yet I'd have to pretend I want to and stuff my soul into nothingness in order to just survive.

 

(Beyond the very rare options - which I do try for - there's no in-between on that. It doesn't happen, it's not possible, because it's all diametrically opposed - mutually exclusive - total catch-22.)

I'm beyond anything. 

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Quaddie

So I was thinking about this analogy. When it comes to my head, it's neat and concise. But I have a feeling the more I write, the worse it will get.

My first thought was about the definition of "phobia." Extreme fear. But technically speaking, it's irrational fear. If the fear is legitimate, and something actually is dangerous and actually does occur each time, it wouldn't technically be a "phobia."

 

For example, if you have a fear of jumping into a pit of hungry lions, that's not a "phobia" because they would actually eat you. (I mean, as long as you don't think there are pits of lions all over the place when they're not actually there, or fear that they're there when they're not.)  Also, if you've been trapped in other pits of lions before, and became more and more injured from them, it's legit to now be afraid because you know it happens. And let's say it always happens if you walk down a certain path. Past history has shown that, if you walk down that path, you'll fall into a pit of lions. No matter how you've tried it, or what you've done on that path, you've still repeatedly fallen into that pit because that's just where that path leads, no matter what. So it's not a phobia or "irrational fear" to want to avoid walking down that path.  Because that path invariably leads to lions. And if anyone tries to tell you, "Hey, maybe this time it won't..." or "you just need to find a pit that doesn't contain lions..."   it is not relevant, because already you know from, like, 20 times and no matter what you do, that that particular path ends in lions. 

 

Anyway.

Then this came to me:  I was talking to someone and saying how I don't like to have flowers in my yard, because of the bees. At first, that brought a laugh from the listener. But then, when I say, "Well, not just because I'm afraid of them - and I am - but also, I'm allergic." Then the response changes to, "Ohh, ok." As if, it's not okay just to fear bees because their stings are very painful - but it "legitimizes" the fear if one is actually allergic to them, as well.

So let's say I'm not "just" afraid of bees - but actually allergic to them.

But the only way that I've found to survive is to be forced to go into a certain forest which surrounds me.

And everyone else is like, "Oh, nobody likes being stung. Get over it. Whiner." 

Only it's not just that I get stung. I am allergic. And there is something about my chemistry that actually attracts the bees to me, so nothing I do - nothing I try - over decades of trying - keeps those bees from stinging me. And the more they sting, the sicker I get. Until I cannot even bear the thought of being within miles  of bees anymore.

And people say, "Well you've just got to find a different forest without bees!" Only every forest contains bees. Or if I find one without bees, after a few months a queen appears and the hive follows and, boom, there I go again.

And people say, "Well, it's just about attitude."  But you can't attitude-away the bees.

And people say, "Well, you need to change the way you smell, and be aware of how attractive you are to the bees, and then change yourself so that they won't come to you!" But I can't change my body chemistry, and the older I get, the more and more my chemistry attracts the dang bees. 

And people say, "Well, you'll just have to find a way to survive without a forest." Well yeah, I know that, but I haven't figured it out yet. Maybe I'm not enough of a survivalist. Maybe I'm too old and tired and damaged to even stand up anymore. I can't care enough or get the energy I'm "supposed to." I'm not smart enough or good enough or determined enough. I just haven't found the miraculous alternative to the forest. 

So I'm just in a desert and my water is drying up and there's no food. 

And people say, "Well maybe this particular forest, you'll like!" Only no, I can't like it, because it still has bees, and I'm still going to get bitten, and I'm still allergic. Oh and also, I've developed allergies to half the foliage, too. Just for fun. And there's no magical medication that fixes or prevents these allergies. And even if there were, their side-effects would make life just as uncomfortable anyway. So, no matter what...  

eh.

 

 

 

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Quaddie

And also... (my thoughts are messy and long)...

And you are forced to pretend you want to be in that forest, more than anything – no matter what. In fact, you so have to convincingly fake enjoying it that they select you  to enter. And you have to keep faking that you love it – you have to try to ignore every sting and bite, no matter how much it swells or hurts. And you must not even flinch, because if you even flinch you will be heavily punished for it.

And you have to pretend you can move as lightly as the air, no matter if your legs are heavy from the systemic allergic response. Or else you will be condemned for it.

And you struggle to breathe as your throat is swollen and closing, but you cannot let it show at all – and you must smile and pretend it’s not happening, and that everything is just great, because if you don’t, you will be punished and attacked more, and worse... and then punished for any slightest reaction to that attack, over and over, until finally being thrown out into the desert of non-survival.

(and these analogies aren't just "mental/philosophical" - they also relate in part to physical aspects of situations, as well)

Oh and?

If your face swells from the stings, or turns red from your struggles to breathe, or just from the sun, or just from anything - you'll be punished and condemned for your face not being pleasing to others. 

And you can't "just not pay attention" to the punishment and condemnation because they determine your ability to stay in the survival forest.

Eh.

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Vanilli

Quaddie, I wish I had words to be of any help but you have so much wisdom and I believe you when you say that there are no options and that you have thought of all potential 'solutions' - I am just here for you all the same. I'm sorry for all of the pain you are in. There's nothing worse than dealing with pain and having no outlet and not being able to express it and have people really mirror you and be there for you and to be punished for it, so all you can do is push it down just to get through the day. It's like you just suffocate in the pain and trauma and darkness. 

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Quaddie

:'-( thank you

 

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Vanilli
On 7/8/2018 at 10:51 PM, Quaddie said:

:'-( thank you

 

I'm really feeling for you right now Quaddie :hug:. Wish I could help more, but always here to listen. 

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Quaddie

Thank you.

I'm still in a very bad place. Worse. 

When I say there's no help, here's part of why. I look up psychological things that are supposed to help, but when I look at the premises on which they're built, I see that they can't possibly help because that's not the problem.  The problem isn't the way I look at things, or my behaviors. (Or maybe I'm wrong and I'm an absolutely worthless ridiculous stupid mean horrible ogre fool and don't realize it. There's always that possibility.)  It's not anything I can control, and not anything that trying to reframe or ignore can possibly help with because these things are absolutes and facts.  And it'd be beyond reasonable to expect a human to be able to maintain some sort of zen about other people constantly and repeatedly, say, shooting them with a nail gun. And then getting angry if the person bleeds, and blaming them and criticizing them and threatening them and trying to force them to acknowledge that their blood is wrong and that they should welcome being shot by the nail guns and that they really need to fix the holes - no, fix the fact that they exist at all to be shot-at - or else they don't deserve to be permitted to exist. So if you do ignore it they just shoot more, and then you lose everything anyway, no matter what.

Yeah, it's that crazy. It truly is that crazy. I know it sounds like an impossible analogy but it really  is  that crazy. What happens to me - has happened, repeatedly, countless times  (over decades and decades!) and insane things you'd never believe if I told you. Things that just don't happen to other people. Because it's so outrageous that no one can conceive of this crap. Not things you can "just let not bother you." Because they punish you and force you to listen and to pretend to go along and  try to "fix" what they're misjudging...or else.  You don't deserve to exist. 

 

It's too much. I don't want to deal with anything anymore. I'm so done.   I'm so done.

I can't think of anything I even want to do to try to fix the life situation. I'm going through motions but I can't care. And I have to... or else. There is no option. There's no option besides faking caring and I can't make a miracle. 

And I'm tired. In life, a person is supposed to be allowed to not have to pretend they're 20 anymore at this age. But instead I'm just put-down for it. 

There's no options and I don't know what to do and I can't feel like I care.

And if I see one more "motivational" cliche about "It's not about what life hands you, it's how you CHOOSE to blahblahblahblah" I swear I might go apesh!t and run up into the mountains.

If you have a bad cold, you can't "just choose" to breathe. You can't "decide" - "Oh my nose isn't totally stuffed up, it's just what I think about it" and it won't miraculously enable free flow of air. You can't "just choose" to feel like your head doesn't feel like a concrete weight held up by a pipe cleaner.  You can't "just choose" to not be sick. The virus does its thing. And it's not your fault for being impacted by it.  And if you get so many colds that your sinuses get infected and you are in serious pain, and no antibiotics and no neti pot and no eucalyptus or decongestant or anything helps anymore, and the doctors can't fix it - it's not "your fault" for not being able to breathe, and it's certainly "not just how you choose to react" that makes you feel like you're suffocating and in pain.

 

It's hard and I feel so indescribably alone. It's like these things I experience, and the way I feel about everything in life - I simply can't anymore, what you're "supposed to" and "have to" so that you can get what you need in order to survive... but I just can't... I just can't...   - it's not typical and not wholly  understood, and it's totally against what's "supposed to" feel and be and do. And you're supposed to "reach out," but there's nothing to be done by anyone. 

 

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Quaddie

It's not "just" about being so continually mistreated and misjudged, but the existential crises also of not being able to fulfill my soul and it being too late, and not being able to fund survival without the necessity of sacrificing my entire being to the pursuit of mere existence while at the same time being prevented from doing so by those who misjudge and mistreat.  And being too old to be able to stomach it all (figuratively and literally), and sick of it all, all the games and faking and putting-up-with "with a smile" or else... of being and doing for the sake of someone else at my own expense... and forcing the body and mind into literal and figurative pain I no longer have tolerance for, just for the sake of survival....  when it itself isn't gaining me what I've needed or wanted or thought I could be or do, and I can't find the way and can't make the miracle because I'm just not that superhuman.

I can't explain. 

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Vanilli

It really makes a lot of sense what you are saying Quaddie, like people are making the world impossible for you, yet are 'supposed' to just take the weight and be some perfect robot who can deal with all that - but who could honestly deal with that? It's not right or possible for anyone to live in that way. I think it's natural and normal that you would feel that way. It sounds incredibly painful :(

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Quaddie

Yes...   thank you

And if I can't find a way to survive without destroying my own self in the process (and they're not controllable factors) -  the options are like considering between different deadly choices.

 

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Vanilli

I'm so sorry Quaddie, I wish I could something to help lessen the immense pain you are in.

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Quaddie

Thank you ... much appreciated...  :'-(    

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Quaddie

Feel completely undesirable. Like - aggressively distasteful. And incapable of ...anything.  (not in a physical/sexual way, cuz that has nothing to do with this...)

The way I see things tends to be different from how a lot of other people see them. I say things they don't get, or that come across some other way because I truly can't see it as being "bad" (and it probably isn't  "bad" - but just the way I say things, I don't know if it's because I'm female  and so I'm not "allowed" to talk the way I do or think the way I do... because it doesn't seem any different from a lot of others, but still *I* get flack....   - and I can't process things any other way than the way I do.  I'm not "putting on airs" or "being a jerk." It seems like sometimes I'm even just restating what others have already said, but I'M the one who gets called out... I'm not autistic, I'm not anywhere near the spectrum. I don't "get it" but not because I don't know how to interact, or that I have no social skills, or that I don't "get people," or anything like that - and I don't want anyone to tell me how horrible I am or what specifically that they think I do wrong, because I cannot bear another single criticism.... it's just that my brain works differently.

 

I'm tired of just being such a fkup in every way. Intolerable, with a wasted life.

It doesn't matter if it's just about someone else's perceptions. Other people do decide your value and worth by allowing or disallowing your presence (including in things that allow you to survive)...  or in "social currency"... or...whatever.

And.

There are no "opportunities" for survival activities that don't include things I either cannot do or cannot tolerate. All of them are like jackhammers in my soul. There's just nothing. It's just not there. 

There's nothing. No "typical" answers, and I need something, or else.  And I'm not brilliant enough to come up with the magical solution, or to "overcome" enough to make magic happen, or whatever.  

It's not just a matter of "finding the right thing" (like a typical answer might be). Because even if that existed,  it's extremely rare and the chances that I would come across it and even get it, especially given all the everything surrounding me, would be slim at best.

I know I"m effed-up and imperfect, but no matter what I try or do or think, I'm doing everything wrong, I feel wrong, I think wrong, and nothing is going to be okay (literally!!!)  unless I can come up with some sort of magic out of my 4ss. 

And I'm tired of being so ... hated, criticized/condemned for things that aren't because I'm an 4sshole but people assume I am...    and nowhere in society or anywhere in real life that I seem to fit, not just "hey you just have to find your 'tribe' <gawd I hate that!!!!>" but seriously, I don't even want to, and I shouldn't have to just to exist... I just want to be, but there's just nothing.  

There's just nothing ok

 

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Quaddie

There's literally nothing I can bear to even think about doing - or can do... 

 

I think perhaps I really am the pathetic ridiculous horrible hideous piece of crud that I'm so often accused of being.

 

It's impossible not to consider it as a possibility since when things repeat so much, and you're the common factor...

 

but even so

 

I just can't.

 

There's nowhere to go from here...   

and I don't have any wherewithall to...do...anything.

 

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Pi

If you could define what it is that you need, what would it be?

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AZ-home

Quaddie,

I'm worried about you. Are you ok?

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Quaddie

I am, but I'm not.

 

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percolate

I tried sending you a message, but was notified that you cannot recieve messages.

 

Are you OK?  You sound very depressed and hopeless.

 To be very blunt-are you considering suicide or harming yourself? Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life about your situation?


 You're a valued contributor here at Our Place and people are concerned about you.  And I've noticed your mood becoming blacker over the past several months on this thread. 

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