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Deja Vu

Not sure what to think

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Deja Vu

I would like some others' thoughts.  I have described drinking problems with Mister a couple of times.  It seems like his drinking had gone back the normal, social pattern I had always seen.  Seems......that is the thing.  As I had mentioned before when he was on the anti-anxiety meds I found he was hiding beer....like a case of it in a super warm work room and drinking it that way.  I also found that he had finished a bottle of whiskey and brought in a huge bottle of vodka.  He never knew that I found the hard liquor.  He freaked when I admitted finding the beer and focused on my "snooping" and not his lies and deceit.  In fact the answer was "I guess we are even".  I did watch him some after that.  During one period where he was incapacitated for 4 months with back injury and surgery, he became very angry....I attributed it to the back thing...frustrated, etc.  But I know that his ability to get alcohol and his capacity to drink it on the drugs, was limited.  At one point I went away overnight and found that he had snuck out (he was not supposed to be driving) and bought and drank 3/4 of a bottle of whiskey......after which he made a big deal in front of me and my son -in-law when they finally finished that bottle how it had lasted sooooo long from when SIL brought it over (this was the 2nd one....he had slowly finished the first and then brought in a new one...........all behind my back).  Since then I had not seen any new alcohol come in.  Things again SEEMED normal.  Well, things are stressful at work.  At Christmas his parents left a brand new bottle of vodka they had been given in our bar.  We got some sambuca at Christmas.  They were not being touched (except when he and I had a sambuca together on occasion).  Last week he bought a bottle of bourbon because he said he wanted to make drinks for him and my DD and SIL (they like old fashioneds).......and he did and had just one.  The next day I noticed that the bottle was sitting on the counter and had gone down by about a drink......funny, but we were together all day except when I took a shower...he had snuck a drink when I was in the shower.  Then he said he was going to make himself another old fashioned when I asked if he wanted a glass of wine.  He made himself a double.  Ok.  Whatever.  I know how much was in the bottle.  Last night he got home before me as I was at the hairdresser.  He kissed me and he smelled like licorice.  I thought he is in the Sambuca.  I said nothing.  This morning I found that last night he had another shot or two of whiskey AND sambuca.  I also noticed the tequila has gone down quite a bit since Christmas and a bottle of port that I only remember having one drink with him is almost gone.  I went downstairs to the bar and a third of the bottle of vodka is gone.  Now, IF this is all he has had behind my back, it is not a lot over the course of a couple of months.  But why is he hiding it?  and the if is a big IF to me.  I know he has hidden and lied about alcohol before.  I don't know if he is buying it (he has a separate account for business expenses ......this account gets mileage reimbursement and he gets a lot more money than he puts in the gas tank but will tell me there is nothing left in the account......he has the ability to buy it behind my back and I don't know), I know he sometimes goes out to a bar for a beer with the guys but even then he doesn't mention hey, I am stopping with they guys....he does it and sometimes will say something....other times just really late.  I have no idea if he has any kind of real alcohol problem but I can't talk with him about it because of they way he reacts (and he FLIPPED once because he caught me looking at how much beer was gone).  I had NO right to do that.  I guess the deception makes me wonder what else he lies about.......and he lies with absolutely no shame.  Insisted he was not hiding anything from me before I admitted I found it. .....and never fessed up to everything else he was hiding.  Swore no more secrets, no more lies.  I guess the big ask is IF he is only drinking what I see, should I be concerned that he has a problem just because he hides the drinking?  If he is doing more, all I can think is "is he driving drunk?  Is he nasty sometimes because he is drunk and I don't know it?  Am I having conversations with someone about important things when he is drunk?"...........he can definitely handle his alcohol in that sometimes I see how much he had and he is not acting drunk......it kind of scares me.  Thanks for listening. 

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Quaddie

To me - in my unprofessional opinion - it sounds like he has an alcohol problem. Hiding it is, I believe, a sign of substance abuse. 

It doesn't matter where it stemmed from (did you mention it was a side-effect of a medication he was on?)...    Addiction is addiction.

Have you gone to look at the signs if someone is an alcoholic and see if it feels like it fits?

Another way to tell is if you feel yourself "justifying" his behavior to try to shape those signs into not applying to him... that'd be an indication, too.

Trust your gut. To me, this really sounds like an alcohol problem. It sounds like it feels that way to you, too.

The "why" he is hiding it, is most probably because that's what addicts do. They hide it. 

And discussing the addiction with the addict isn't bound to get you anywhere, really...  even if you could discuss it with him. What would be the outcome? What could he do? Make promises? (Would you trust them?)  Say it's not what you think? (Would you believe it?) Get angry and blame-shift it onto being your problem? (Would that be helpful to you, or more confusing?)

It's likely that the outcome of such a conversation wouldn't be what you're looking for, anyway. If he's an alcoholic, the addiction is going to drive his behavior - not you. :( 

It might be a good idea for you, for yourself, to look into an Al Anon group or something for the partners of alcoholics/addicts, and see what help you can gain from those resources. 

 

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lizzibethak

Totally what Quaddie said.............my fist XH was and still is an alcoholic.  

He lied about women (came home smelling like perfume but only "danced" with her??  Yeah, right)

He said he wasn't an alcoholic because he only drank beer..............Yeah, right

And.........he wasn't an alcoholic because he never missed work due to a hangover and he never drank until after work...........

Trying to convict them of their addiction only makes you crazy and open to their anger about your "craziness" or "abuse" of them.  You get to decide if this is a road you want to share with him or walk with him.  

Take care.........

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Fluffyflea

He's an alcoholic.

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Bennu

I wouldn't want my significant other to be monitoring my drinking. It's my own business. He may feel the same.

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Bennu

Sometimes I think that we can get pretty controlling ourselves.

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lizzibethak

Bennu...........you're right, we can get controlling in those situations.  We are trying to stop the addiction by controlling/monitoring it and it never works and just makes us crazy and the addict angry................

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Quaddie

There may be a difference between observing and monitoring. If I recall, the first story about the beer was just an offhand observation and wasn't monitoring. 

Certain things, a person can't help but just notice. 

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Bennu

I agree. I think the point is that we can't change people. We can notice and we can decide to leave, but we can't change things. I'm don't know the OP's intent.

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