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Bennu

Subtle Red Flags

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Bennu

It's hard to know when to pay attention to those subtle red flags.

I dated someone for 7 months. There were some signs. One I thing maybe I should have paid more attention to. In general I shared questions with trusted friends because I don't want to too quickly discount someone because of my history. I don't want to ignore things either. What a difficult tight rope it is to walk. I think that their own stories reveal their true selves if we only listen. 

He told me about someone he messaged on a dating site. She wouldn't go out with him because she had started dating someone else. Later it hadn't worked out for her and she contacted him and then he wouldn't go out with her. He thought that since she didn't want to go out with him when he originally contacted her, why should he go out with her now. That's just stupid. It's a good thing to be loyal to someone that you are dating. He took it as rejection and was too damaged by that rejection to consider her. That's immature. That's not being able to consider someone else's point of view. 

I think that not being able to consider things from the other person's point of view is a big negative sign. I'm going to pay more attention next time.

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AZ-home

Yeah. I dated a guy. He was always very very good to me. But I just couldnt bond to him. He divored after 20+ years of marriage because his wife had depression. He told her he was having to do all the work around the house anyway, he’d go out and find a better wife. His words! I found this rather disturbing. 

I have some pretty serious illnesses that are dormant right now. What if they flare up and I find myself bed ridden and he was my husband? Would he leave me too? Either there was more to that story or I question his loyalty. He also got more child custody than she did. As someone who got alienated from my young adult child by a lying abuser, it worried me. People say “oh he got the kid! Means he’s the GOOD parent!” Not necessarily! You just called my lying manipulative bleeepity-bleep ex the good parent. 

The guy was very good to me in every way but my gut wasnt feelin it. Was he love bombing? I worried that maybe my PTSD and maybe abuse parinoia was to blame. 

But I think we need to trust our gut. And don't waste our time when little flags fly. I think being alone is great. Maybe too great. 

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Quaddie

Yeah, trust the gut and recognize tendencies to minimize, excuse, defend or rationalize things that really bother you.

Also, there doesn't have to be abuse or red flags for it to just not be right. People can be not-right for each other, even if neither is abusive. And just "not feeling it" is enough. Any reason, really, is enough, if it bothers you.

The reason I say that is because I think a lot of times, people who are accustomed to abusive relationships get so tied into the "abuse/non-abuse" part of it that they sort of think, "Well, he seems like a nice enough guy and I'm not seeing any real red flags, so I'm just being too picky." Or feel like, if there aren't any red flags, then staying in the relationship is some sort of mandatory. But it isn't. People break up all the time for the slightest reasons.

We like to give benefit of the doubt, but it's about your comfort and your enjoyment, too. It's not just "transactional." As in, if he's good and I can't find obvious reasons not to, I must suppress my own meh feelings and stick with it, because maybe I won't find someone better, or maybe this is just how it is.   

And AZ, I don't think there's anything "too" about enjoying being alone. ;) Some people really do, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Nothing, zip, zero, nada. People are all different, what they enjoy and feel comfortable with is different, and there's no "one way" to be. 

 

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Wileykit

This would be a definite red flag for me after what I have experienced. My ex STILL brought up a girl who rejected him over a decade ago. This seems to have really messed him up and something is off about it still being forefront in his mind after this many years. He didn't even date her. He hardly knew her. And says he completely shut down his emotions after her. (Repressed, I'd say, he's very angry inside)

It's respectable and totally understandable that she had met someone and was focussing her attention on one person. I'm sure he wouldn't have appreciated her seeing them both at the same time. It wasn't a rejection towards him or who he was, it was respect to her current interest. He was obviously aware of that but made it about himself.

I see it the same way. He felt rejected and it must have offended him so much, he refused to see her. It just seems too intense and somewhat vindictive a reaction over someone he wasn't even involved with or even knew. It was like "I'll show her", and that is a trait I wouldn't want to get close to. This could indicate anger and resentment issues under the surface. Control. 

 

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Kanga

In Australia I think most people date only one person at once. But why stay on the dating site if you are seeing someone? 

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percolate
On 3/30/2018 at 2:59 AM, Kanga said:

In Australia I think most people date only one person at once. But why stay on the dating site if you are seeing someone? 

It's not uncommon in the US to date several people casually, or to stay on a dating site until a relationship is exclusive. 

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Bennu

This particular dating site is no cost. One isn't really actively on it necessarily. If you start dating, then you can stop messaging people without actually going to the effort of shutting down your account. There seem to be lots of inactive accounts even on pay sites. That way the site appears to have plenty of matches available when lots of them have stopped paying, but never took down their profiles. Lots of the let you set up a profile for free, but you have to pay to message anyone. It's a way to drum up business. 

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hoping

Bennu

I'm sorry to hear that you were with another abuser for seven months. I think it was percolate said on another post that It can take time to find a good guy and to be able to spot abusers.

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Quaddie

Am I imagining things, or were the original (and founding) posts deleted?

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Bennu
On 4/3/2018 at 1:54 AM, hoping said:

Bennu

I'm sorry to hear that you were with another abuser for seven months. I think it was percolate said on another post that It can take time to find a good guy and to be able to spot abusers.

I don't think that he was an abuser. Just, not someone I was to spend my time with. 

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