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Confused714

Haven’t posted in awhile

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Confused714

I haven’t posted in awhile. Things got really bad and I didn’t make a move at that time. Chickened out. Wish I had. Then they got better for awhile. It was calmer. He was respecting boundaries that I put in place. He knows if he does certain things I’m gone. Well the past few weeks it seems like things are getting tense again. He is easily aggitated. He is getting upset with our son who is still very young. Screams at him. My son even told me last week “daddy scare me”. He still loves his dad and when he is happy he is all lovey to his dad. Last night my husband got mad about something that I did that was an accident. I did stand up for myself which is something I never really did. He didn’t seem to like that so he just stopped talking. Didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. Didn’t even talk when our son tried to talk to him. Just went to the back room and I didn’t see him again all night. His new thing is to just not talk when he is upset. He did it a few weeks ago also. Again because I didn’t think of something to do, somewhere to go. He may not be grabbing me or screaming at me as much but now he just won’t talk to us. I still have stuff at my parents for when I get the nerve to actually go. I have everything in place. It is just that step out the door. I’m still struggling because part of me does love him. He is so Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I love one but can’t stand the other. 

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AZ-home

I'm sorry this is happening. Don't be ashamed of your choices. This is all very personal and very hard to deal with and there are many things to consider. Leaving, is a HUGE decision and you are wise to not take it lightly. And it's d*** scary!

But I remember this stage well. I think it's their way of not going off. He knows he's basically on probation and better not get loud or physical. Therefore his coping mechanism is to remove himself from the situation entirely before he does something he regrets. It's him acknowledging he's about to lose it. But for him to stay gone and out of your space for days, might be him trying to "punish" you or get attention for himself. He might want you to come to him to soothe him. Or maybe he's about to pop a cork and REALLY needs to be left alone. 

When this happened to me, I found this stage A) scary and B_) demeaning. As in,...he can't stand to be around me! I would try to stay gone from the house a lot. And when I was home, he wouldn't speak to me or even acknowledge me. Sometimes, he would come home and greet our child and our PETS and then not speak to me. No hello for me! I found this too much to bear. I wasn't even worthy of a "hello"! But then at bedtime he would say "I love you." :blink: This REALLY messed with my head! It makes sense NOW but at the time it confused the he.ll out of me.

You may try catching him on a "good day" (Dr. Jeckyl) and ask him why he goes to his room like that and see what he says. I would get answers like, I get no respect. If you guys would just ____ _____ ______ I wouldn't get like that. I now realize that this is wrong and a sign of an abuser. We are not responsible for their feelings or their behavior. They TRY to blame their poor behavior on US. Mistakes happen. We all make mistakes. He should not be "punishing you" or making your life difficult because of something you didn't mean to do. If THIS upsets him, the problem is HIS! His reaction to this or whatever happened, is HIS. Do not let him pin it on you. You are responsible for your feelings and your reactions and he is responsible for his. 

I kept a journal and put buzzwords in a list that I felt described him or our relationship. Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde was one of those. Once I started to find out about emotional abuse, all my buzzwords were signs of abuse, and I had no idea.

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Fluffyflea
On 2018-03-06 at 10:55 AM, Confused714 said:

I haven’t posted in awhile. Things got really bad and I didn’t make a move at that time. Chickened out. Wish I had. Then they got better for awhile. It was calmer. He was respecting boundaries that I put in place. He knows if he does certain things I’m gone. Well the past few weeks it seems like things are getting tense again. He is easily aggitated. He is getting upset with our son who is still very young. Screams at him. My son even told me last week “daddy scare me”. He still loves his dad and when he is happy he is all lovey to his dad. Last night my husband got mad about something that I did that was an accident. I did stand up for myself which is something I never really did. He didn’t seem to like that so he just stopped talking. Didn’t talk to me the rest of the night. Didn’t even talk when our son tried to talk to him. Just went to the back room and I didn’t see him again all night. His new thing is to just not talk when he is upset. He did it a few weeks ago also. Again because I didn’t think of something to do, somewhere to go. He may not be grabbing me or screaming at me as much but now he just won’t talk to us. I still have stuff at my parents for when I get the nerve to actually go. I have everything in place. It is just that step out the door. I’m still struggling because part of me does love him. He is so Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I love one but can’t stand the other. 

Please, for your sons sake, please leave.

hes starting to abuse your son.

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whitebutterfly11

I remember this phase with my abuser. H transitioned from being outwardly abusive to withdrawing himself from me and the kids. To your abuser, this isolation of self where he ignores and seethes with anger in his own little corner without talking to you (also known as the Silent Treatment), seems "noble" to him, because he's not outwardly attacking you. We can call this covert abuse. It may seem like more benevolent behavior on his part, like he is restraining himself from blowing up. It might be such a relief from the way he was before that it feels like he deserves to be "rewarded" with extra time, affection, or care because he's supposedly trying. But this is merely what I like to call imploded abuse where he is using an underhanded way of attacking you rather than blowing up because you will call him out otherwise. He's sulking, neglecting, refusing to talk to you. That's still abuse. It's still causing you angst, hurting you because you don't know what he will do or when he will stop ignoring you. He's also still doing this to control you so that you will feel guilty, try to appease him, and consequently give him power over you again. 

As mentioned above, he is doing this because you are now aware of his abusive patterns, are putting your foot down, setting healthy boundaries, and now he knows that he cannot get away with abusing you this way anymore. The key words being this way.  If he can't attack you in the same way as before, he will resort to less obvious, more passive aggressive and covert abuse, which is JUST as unsettling, confusing, and hurtful. Another name for this type of abuse is psychological abuse. 

Sadly, he thinks he's being a good guy for not yelling or physically attacking you anymore, and he feels like you owe him for this effort he is making, except it's not effort. It's abuse. Because it may feel like a significant contrast from the overt abuse, it may seem like he is changing, but he's still obviously angry, seething, and making you and your son feel unsettled. 

The process of leaving a relationship like this is tedious and deserves compassion. It's agonizing trying to make sense of his nonsense. The important thing is that you are becoming more aware of his patterns, and that will empower you. It takes time to internalize this all while also being shut down and hurt within a destructive relationship. Allow yourself the time and understanding you need to make sense of it while working toward freedom. 

 

 

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Fluffyflea

The Silent treatment is pretty overt in my experience .

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Quaddie

You're supposed to be falling all over yourself, giving him cookies and praises to high heaven for not exploding at you, doncha know!

If it's so hard for someone to treat you non-abusively, then they don't respect you.

Is love only a one-way street? If you love some aspects of a person who does not respect you or treat you with courtesy - who is not safe for you or your son to be with - then is that love something healthy and something that needs to rule your life?

Or maybe it's not even love, but feels like it is - it could be attachment, or is it perhaps something else entirely that you wouldn't be able to really identify until long after you're out and get your head clear.

Your child is frightened. That's a big deal. Of course he loves his dad - that's normal. It's normal for kids to have very complicated feelings and relationships with an abusive parent. The love is part of how they were formed. Children who are very badly abused can still love their parents. But that doesn't mean it's safe or healthy for them to be with them. Children cannot know what is good for them - that's why parents make the decisions for them - and their seeming happy at times with something that is bad for them, is normal, but is not something that needs to be given weight. Similarly, a child might be happy eating only cake all day and every day, and love that cake, but we wouldn't give them only cake to eat because we know it's not good for them or healthy, and in fact would make them ill. Being abused - or even just witnessing a parent being abusive to someone else - is very, very harmful and destructive to a child, and how their psyches develop. 

 

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