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Overwhelming grievance

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I am new to this group, recently while looking for support in domestic assault I came across a forum from this website and the information by the people posted, reading their struggles and how brave they were to leave such a toxic situation; helped me more than you know.  The past few days I have been isolated inside my house,  mainly due to the fact that I was badly injured Sunday night and am too embarrassed to be seen with two black eyes and my face swollen from goose egg bumps on my forehead, and bruises on my cheeks.


I fell in love with a guy so intensely, and deeply than anyone I have ever met previous.   Warning signs of his behavior did trigger a red flag for me but as it's extremely difficult for me to develop any sort of genuine intimate feelings for people it seems i went with it.   Him and I came from very different backgrounds; his family comes from money, mine does not.  He would tell me stories about growing up so privileged, spoiled, and frequenting country clubs that his parents were members to.   I on the other hand would share stories of struggle, while my mom a single mother supported us three kids while my deadbeat, mainly absent father drank himself into his delusional bachelor induced life style.   I always felt that my ex would see me as almost beneath him as that him having money allowed him to  have more control over our relationship, or to take my thoughts and descisons seriously.   Him and I had intense sexual chemistry and infatuation it soon came to the time where we were spending almost every weekend together; than everyday.     During the summer months my mother was diagnosed with a rare  form of spinal chord cancer and the shock and sadness of having the most important, and most caring person in my life get ill turned me to become even more codependent on my ex, looking to him as my main source of unconditional love.  

I was now basically residing at his condo i started noticing his mood changes, when him and I first got together he was a recovering addict, attended meetings and was very disciplined on his recovery i always found this to be inspiring, he was more than 3 years clean and I thought someone like that in my life would show me how to become more discplined in my own life.    

The fighting and arguments between us got worse the emotional abuse of the cruel and malicious things he would say to me, calling me ugly, worthless, a loser, how my family were a bunch of losers, how he was embarressed to ever introduce me to his parents.  Critisizing my style my likes, etc.  I have always been a very outspoken girl and creative in that my style has always reflected an alternative pin up inspired culture.  As I began to get deeper into this relationship I started to dress more in the way he liked, became silent while he put on his sports,  I became a drone who would just sit there nodding to whatever he was talking about.  It became clear, he controlled the entire relationship and I was just lucky to have been there with him.   I was not good enough andd he never let me forget it.   

Our arguments would turn into yelling which would lead me to break down crying usually begging him not to leave me, and he would mock me and call me pathetic.  As my mom got sicker I became more scared to leave him, I started shutting out my friends, my family all I had was him.   If i was with him everything was ok.   He was very jealous, accused me of cheating or flirting with other guys.   He would call me disgusting, crazy, that everyone of his friends thought I was a loser.  One time in his car he  demanded money from me, I told him I wouldn't (This was a time when he was not working and I would be the main source of his cash flow) And when I stood firm on no, he told me to get out of his car, in the middle of the night in the city not before telling me straight in the eye to "kill myself and no one would miss me, and I would be doing the world a favor."    I have struggled with suicide and self harm when I was younger; somethingn I confided in him which he threw back at me .

On my birthday of last year was when things got very physical, he hit me numerous times, bit me, and strangled me to the point where I was throwing up ( i was told this could have been from a concussion) and I remember he told me while I was laying on the ground  " You can say whatever you want my parents will get a lawyer I have money Ill get off, you have nothing."" And i believed him, it was my birthday and this is what  I deserved. I was nothing.    The concierge came to his door while I laid on the floor in pain and I heard him say "We wil keep it down we don't need the police here"  The next day my eye was completely swollen shut which turned into a bad black eye, he made me stay at his condo for days while i called in sick for work he was afraid if anyone saw me he would go to jail.  The hardest part was lying to everyone, my family. my sick mom on the phone when she asked if I had done anything fun for my birthday.  He wanted me to say I fell into a table.  Eventually I had to go back home for work my face was swollen so bad no one bought the table story, eventually when a friend saw me I cracked, and confessed. 

My friend begged me to go to the police but I still loved him and did not want him to go to jail, or loose his job.   I eventually told his brother confided in him to what was happening thinking that maybe his family could get him some help, the plan backfired his family believed it was my fault, I was the bad influence and I had hurt  my own self blaming him.   Christmas eve he reached out to me his entire family in Florida he was all alone and needed someone, my mom was getting so ill and I felt so alone I agreed just to be in his arms.   While i was there his phone was going off of other girls reaching out to him, I got angry I felt manipulated, thats when he struck me in the face and strangled me again, my friend called the same friend i confided in, he called the cops worried that he could end up really hurting me.    The cops arrested him and i came clean to all hte abuse i was hiding.  Thats when him and i split up

In January 13th 2018 i lost my mom its still the hardest thing to wrap my head around, she was doing better then in a matter of 2 weeks was gone due to cancer spreading to her brain.  Thats when i reached out to him, i leaned on him he was my best friend, going against my family and my friends I secretly started seeing him again.   The abuse got worse I quit my job started using substAnces with him and just watched my life nose dive.   The emotional abuse got so bad I would start self harming myself again in the bathroom after days of him telling me that I was a loser, alone, stupid that I never listened. I felt I had no one,  Iwent behind other peoples wishes so this was my bed and I had to lie in it, I deserved what I was getting.     

Then this past weekend the physical abuse hit a breaking point and he threw me on the ground hit me numerous times in the face to the point where I felt I was loosing conciosuness, he bit me so hard on my arm and on my face, I was screaming in pain neighboors called the cops and he fled leaving me there.  I was taken away in an ambulance scared and alone.   The cops found him arrested him and now I sit here writing this my face still healing,  ashamed and with zero confidence, I feel so stupid for going back, making my step dad come get me from the hospital.   I  have been referred to for counselling which I have looked into but I wanted to voice what I have kept in so long, it says "my story" sO i guess this is my story.

I know I've been reading that this has to be the start of my journey on myself, to heal and grow, and become stronger...He is in jail and I am not sure when he wil be getting out, but I feel alone, and part of me stil misses him as my best friend.   I am trying to be strong, to make my mom proud of me.  I wish i had a better ending to write but so far at least I can say I am still here,  and there is still a fight inside of me to find peace in my life I desperately need.  That one day I will be able to accept the love I truly deserve, that i am worth unconditonal love.    I just hope my story helps someone to know that it doesnt get better it gets worse and you have to get out.

I still love him but I know in time that will fade.

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