Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
Pi

30 years later - A happy story of hope for everyone

Recommended Posts

Pi

Dear all,

I have been part of this community and its 2 predecessors since early 2000. I have not been on Our Place for many years now -proof there can be something better in the making and healing is possible. I don't need attention or validation. I just wanted to tell you who don't know me my story and how it ended. There is definitely a life after abuse and all cliches are applicable. You find something when you are not looking for it. You don't find it, it finds you. Good friends give you gifts that are unbelievable and priceless. And nothing changes until you are ready to change yourself. And then all comes naturally to you. I hope to give you some comfort and hope. And I hope to meet a friend here soon if she decides to join.

 

I will write this in small seperate posts as I keep losing whole longer post and I have started over again 4 times now. So I thank you for your patience and understanding.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Part 1. Marriage

After 2 years of living together, I married my ex-husband in 1985. On the surface, it looked fine. Two academics, best friends, home-owners, 2 cars, 2 academic jobs, friends, travel around the world. But it did not feel right and I was certain I did not want children with him. A gut feeling/instinct that we would not be happily ever after. Or maybe I forced it by thinking this way. But there was no emotional or physical connection between us. I knew he had an anger problem but he never directed it at me, just scolded waiters and retail staff. I later learned he has a slight form of Asperger's. But it was not just his fault. There just was no romance or intimacy between us and I never even tried as well. From day one it was a best-friends relationship and we should have stayed just that. We both were cowards and did not leave, while we both were unhappy. End of 2004, after almost 20 years of marriage, I ticked him finally off. I took my freshly widowed mom for a trip to Egypt, a country I have worked in a lot. Ex-h was furious I left him over the holidays and went online dating. When I came back early 2005 he had met the new lady on the internet and wanted a divorce. That same week I heard I had cancer. My ex was a good man. He stayed with me for most of the treatments for months and supported me well. He moved out around May 2005 and moved in with his now-wife. he married her the day after our official divorce early 2006. He's very happy, we are still good friends and have infrequently internet contact. I have not seen him in the flesh since Divorce Day 2006.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Part 2. Engaging with the abuser

So, all the red flags on MY side were there. Separated, cancer-scare, jobless due to the economic crisis,  no family (I had only my mom and no siblings or kids), so lonely as frik and desperately yearning for attention, intimacy and real love. Desperately. I mean, if an elephant had wanted to come and save me, I would have taken him. Unfortunately, the elephant did. He was my teenage first boyfriend. He was separating his wife as well and heard through the grapevine I was single again. I had not seen him in decades and was swept off my feet by him. Gorgeously handsome, talented, gifted, intelligent, an artist and a teacher 'artistically' moody, temperament full, unpredictable. I mean, all the red flags were there and I just ignored them. I did see them, but I chose to ignore them. The proof was evident that he cheated on me from day one, not with one but with many others, I received emails from ladies I had never heard of, demanding 'to leave him alone and not bother him, as he was theirs'. I ignored it because he said it was not true and all in their mind. From day one he had a violent temper emotionally and verbally, and those periods got longer and longer. Every sign was there. Scolding, yelling, screaming, cheating, gaslighting, manipulating me and making me doubt myself and my memory, I ignored it. He got physically violent, more often and more violent, he started strangling me and in the last phase, actually tried to kill me. I ignored for a long time. I mean, I read a lot over here daily, and on the predecessor sites. But my abuser was, of course, different and a good man deep inside, it was just his artistic temperament. Right?

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Part 3. Disengaging

After 6 or 7 years of going back and forth 2 things happened. 1 I started wondering why I was so devastatingly unhappy 24/7, I mean, love is supposed to feel good, right? And 2 I had him locked up after he attacked me and tried to kill me. That set him off to no end, I had to flee for my life and moved in with mom, under police protection. But I was not there emotionally by a long shot. Mom was diagnosed in 2011 with Alzheimer's and with no siblings or family, it was my duty and wish to take care of her. He contacted me after a year and offered his professional help. I was desperately lonely, yearning for love, acceptance and a partner, he was familiar with the disease professionally, so I accepted and hell started all over again. He never could keep it up longer than a few honeymooning and hoovering days. When he wanted in my mom's will, and I told him that was not possible legally (as mom was not capable to change her will anymore), I think he exploded. He left me at that same instant. It was late 2013. I never went back and have not seen him since. 

Occasionally he emails me. mostly to brag about a new girlfriend and how he is no so terribly happy. Or because he needs money. Or he needs to rage again over my bad character, habits, cheating on him (um? when?) and robbing him of the inheritance. I ignore most messages or address him in the best passive-aggressive way I can muster. I don't consider going to go no-contact, as I rather have control over knowing where he is locationally and mentally. But apart from that, I never think about him and I certainly don't miss him. But it took me 7 years to get there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Part 4. Learning to be single

So, in 2013 I became single since a very, very long time, about 30 years. And it was a process. I harboured a lot of rage as well as grief and needs. So the abuser and I started our separation by fighting daily over email. I came close to going back, but somehow I never did in reality. In my case, being single grew slowly on me without me noticing I was and it did. I rediscovered again who I am, slowly but certainly, what I like, who I love. Taking care of mom had taken everything I had mentally, emotionally and financially. All my savings were depleted as you can't have a job being a sole caregiver to an Alzheimer patient. So I was forced to apply for welfare. It wasn't much and it took me job a year of surviving and borrowing money while applying for jobs. But I learned about small accomplishments like getting a job interview or deep-clean a room or meeting a friend or managing the month without getting into (further) debt. I actually enjoyed it, being on my own. No vacations in 5 years, no, not even a museum visit. But it was fun reading what I want, sleeping when I want, eating what I like, doing nothing or everything as I please, biking and hiking to job interviews. And around end 2015, `6 months after mom died, I was certainly in mourning, but happy, content, stable, confident and feeling good about myself. I was looking forward to selling her house, pick up my back pack and travel the world. And then things started to happen to change all that :).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Part 5. The loves of my life

After 2013, I developed a sleeping problem. Must be because I was processing the loss of my marriage, being sick, 7 years of abuse, losing my mom in 2015, being all alone in the world. As I am European and then lived in Europe, the people I met online at night, here but mostly on Facebook, were Australian. Right time difference. So one of the Australian admins here became sort of my best internet friend. We talked a lot online. She was just getting into a new relationship so I got to know her guy as well. And we three liked each other. After a few years, early 2016, while we three were talking online in my European middle of the night, a youth friend of her partner joined the conversation. It was pretty intense. To keep a long story short, we developed a friendship online and became Facebook friends. For a year nothing happened, we just talked every day online for hours. Somewhere in the fall of 2016 we toyed with a plan to meet end of 2016. That fell through, I fell off the radar because I got sick and was hospitalised and diagnosed with hereditary COPD. He was worried and raised hell over 4 continents to find me. He did. That did it. He booked a flight to Europe in March 2017 and stayed with me for 6 weeks. Love at first sight. Not our first love, certainly not, but it was instantly clear. We are adults around 60, he's five years older than I am, both academics with a lot in common, I have never felt any doubt and apparently has not either. neither of us was planning or seeking a new relationship. It just happened, and we were both lucky to be single, mature, having processed life's stuff and being reasonably stable. Cultural and language differences are certainly there, but so far just a source of joy. He moved back to Australia, I sold my house in Europe, ended my new job I just got, and followed him to Australia end of August 2017. We legally registered as partners early Jan 2018 and plan to marry this year. He is brilliant and highly educated, gorgeous, has a lovely home in a lovely suburb, a profession I love and many preferences I have as well. But most importantly he is kind.

If I had betted my right arm on it, I could not have predicted this story and this outcome. I think it happened because I was finally ready to not need anymore.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

Congratulations Pi. I'm so happy for your 'happy ending' story. You give us all hope.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
percolate

Thank you for telling your story Pi!  I think it will help many others.  

You're never too old to start over or fall in love with a healthy person. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Curly

Definitely a story with a wonderful ending. There is no such thing as too old to find yourself or to find a life that makes you happy. It is definitely possible to find happiness after abuse either as a single of as a part of a couple.

I have told Pi's story to quite a few people because sometimes real stories can have some very unexpected twists and turns. I confess it was through me and then my partner she met her Australian.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Pi

Life will never be perfect. Never. I still vehemently miss my dad who died in 2002. I was just like him and we were the only ones alike in the world. I still mourn my mom, our complicated relationship and her 10 years of horrible Alzheimer's. I got cancer and when I was finally declared out of the danger zone, I was diagnosed with COPD. One of these two bastards will get me one day and it is pretty certain I won't get old. I miss some old world aspects of Europe and I have not spoken my own language in 6 months. I have not found a job yet as I am visa-wise not allowed to work until May, and house-keeping is not my favourite pastime.  

But I have never been so intensely and deeply happy and in love in all of my 58 years. I LOVE everything and everyone. Curly-the-Admin and her man, who restored my trust in life and delivered my new husband. We live 5 minutes apart and now share a good real-life friendship nest to the online one. Being part of a worldwide community of 4 continents, I have the most intense, deepest and long-time friends everywhere, of whom I have met a lot in real life. I love my new homeland with a vengeance, everything is new, different and beautiful. I have made, and see, so many new friends, I can't count them even on 2 hands anymore. I am lucky I am still alive and in reasonably good shape to enjoy every second of every day. I don't worry about the future, everything is in the here and now and I eat it up. But most important are my freedom from abuse as that eats your body and soul and it will kill you mentally, emotionally and physically in the end. And I found the love of my life, the man of my dreams. It's not important if we will have a long future. It is important that we have a happy one.

You can get out if you choose so. It may not be simple or complete for a while, you may suffer some scary and difficult times for a while. But it is worth to do it. At 58, I arrived in paradise and every second of every day is bliss.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
ferrier

:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
hoping

Pi

I am so happy for you and you are an encouragement to me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×