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gone

Back again, struggling

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gone

I'm here in the forum again.  I haven't left him yet.  Last summer, the money didn't come through.  Delay after delay.  In late August, he figured out that I was done, and planning to go.  He said all the right sorries, made all the right promises.  Agreed to most of the things I was demanding.  And it was nice honeymoon, mostly.    One freak out fit, with fists pumping and veins pumping.  He had a plausible story, I didn't think it was valid, but I accepted it. I do believe he was trying.  I believe he wants to keep us here badly enough to really try.  I'm not convinced that he is consciously just acting like he cares, although I fear that he is messed up enough internally that he can't tell the difference. 

The money finally came through.  I will have access to it within a week.  I can go.  Last summer, it seemed like more than enough.  Now I'm thinking, not so much. Also last summer, I think I truly believe he would carry out his threat to kill himself, and I'm not at all sure of that now.  There is enough life insurance, I would be able to continue homeschooling the kids.  But with just the sum of money I have now, I will be looking for a job, hiding from a husband, and figuring out daycare or public school for four kids within a year.  I'm scared.

I know that I had more than enough reason to leave before.  The crisis center, the counselor, everyone I shared with confirmed that Iwasn'tt over reacting. I know that apologies, no matter how sincere, and five months of mostly great effort, doesn't change that. 

I continually am thinking of people I can go to, ask their advice.  I want someone else to make the decision for me, I think.  I'm afraid, am I about to blow up my children's lives, maybe subject them to things they'd never be subjected to here, just to potentially avoid a maybe threatening or intimidating situation?  What if I can't find a way to make enough to live on, what if I have to put them in public school?  All this fear.  Two nights ago, sleeping on the couch, after another fight, threats of violence, I felt so sure and clear. 

How do you step out in faith when there's all these little mouths to feed?  When I have no way to know if I can keep the big promises that I've made to them, to always keep them safe, to homeschool them?  

If I go into hiding, there's no way to come back. If I take that step, I do believe he'd kill me if I ever showed my face again. 

Nitty gritty, I have enough to go, get where I'm going, get set up in a rental and live for a year.  Then there will be enough left for a down on a house, although I won't necessarily qualify for a mortgage by then.  And I'll either need a work from home job that pays very well, or a very flexible job that pays even more, and a dedicated babysitter. I have skills, but it's been over 15 years since I did the scrappy single mom thing.  I'm pushing 50, have 4 young children, and I'm tired, and unsure. 

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lizzibethak

gone..................

1.  You are not alone in this..........you have crisis centers, counselors, "family" and friends.........never think you are alone in this

2.  You have a plan for one year, based on your financial resources..............that's truly more than many women have so you are smart and resourceful!

3.  You are NOT harming your children by leaving..........you are harming them by staying in this emotional upheaval where you are continually on edge.  Remember..........YOU are the sane one!!

4.  There are worse things than public school.............take a breath and don't project the worst this early in your plans.  Wherever you move you will not be living in a vacuum.  You will establish friendships through home school, you will find resources........there will be community............and peace.  Never underestimate peace and sanity.

5.  YOU are not responsible for his mental health or whether he chooses to end his life.  That is all on him...........never you.............don't buy that ever!!!

Prayers and hugs............you can do this!

 

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percolate

You are not alone!  Your kids are resilient and will cope with change as long as you are there and healthy. 

There are many things worse than sending your kids to public school, and one of them is living with an abusive father.  Their safety is more important than whether you are their teacher or someone teaches them in a public school. 

You can do this...I know it takes a huge amount of faith to leave, but I've seen so many posters here take that step and thrive.  The biggest regret I've heard is that they didn't leave sooner. 

 

 

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AZ-home

I wish I left sooner. My son was 19 when I left. He tells me he is scarred by all our fighting throughout his childhood. It pains me to hear that. All I can do is own my part and apologize. 

Why don't you visit the public school(s) where your kids would be going, maybe meet the teachers and/or parents. This might put your fears to rest. My cousin home schooled her kids for years and then put them in public schools for career reasons and they are doing great. I think as long as they have a solid foundation at home, public school will not ruin them. My son had bully issues at one school and we switched schools and that solved it. 

You speak of change and him trying...but then you said this...

On 2/2/2018 at 1:52 AM, gone said:

If I take that step, I do believe he'd kill me if I ever showed my face again. 

That's scary!

Leaving is the scariest thing I've ever done. The fear of the unknown is so off the charts it's hard to describe but I understand you perfectly! I liken it to jumping off a cliff. And before I jumped I stood on the edge FOREVER trying to work up the courage. That's where you are now. Nobody can make this decision for you. Nobody could jump off that cliff for me or tell me when to do it. I had to do it myself, WHEN I was ready. So take your time. There is no hurry. No one is pushing you. Just remember this...

you're wearing a parachute. You WILL survive. Your kids will survive.

We are here for you if you stay and we are here for you if you go. 

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Quaddie

I don't know where you live... or why it would seem like such a horrible thing... but as far as I know, public schools are where most people go, so... 

 

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Bennu

I can relate. I think that it has to do with being in the abusive marriage. You hang on so tightly to the things that you have control over. You really don't want to change your children's lives. I couldn't face the idea of after school childcare. I was growing my own food and had a hard time letting go of that. I think that you just feel like you have to hold on tight to survive. To leave you have to let go.

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