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Quaddie

When THEY'RE the one who cr8ps on YOU...

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Quaddie

When THEY'RE the one who cr8ps on YOU...

But you're the one who becomes "wrong."

You're not good enough (per pop culture/society/psychology) because you don't want to fight.

You're not doing the right thing because you're "not standing up for yourself."

You're unhealthy because you're "conflict-avoidant."

You're weak because you don't want to deal with a confrontation.  (Oh yeah - and being "non-confrontational" is a big criticism. You're half a person, then.)

You're not one of those people who can easily just start yelling about what YOU want.

You're "passive" because YOU don't want to have to go to war because someone else cr8pped on you.

...

but...  THEY are the one who was cr8ppy.

How, what, huh?  How did this become me who is so WRONG .... just because I want nothing to do with fighting or struggling about it?!?

 

Oh... supposed to stand up. Fight. Be STRONG.  Supposed to...  be a warrior. Supposed to... defend yourself. Supposed to... stand up for yourself.

 

I . JUST . DON'T . WANT . TO . HAVE . TO . DO . THAT.

And... I can't.

I watch tv and see those reality-show folks (or scripted-show folks) just getting all into it... they have no fear, they don't care, they scrap and scrabble. It's as easy as breathing for them.

I don't know why I can't do that.   

My side has never, ever mattered.

It matters not anymore at all, now.

Anything I stand up for anywhere, just gets turned around, gaslighted, negated, blame-shifted...

and I can't screech and yell and fight... I CAN'T even just stand up and strongly proclaim, "No! That's not the way this is going to go!"

And I don't even want to have to.

Why does someone ELSE'S crap equal MY fail?

Just because... "that's what you have to do?"  Just because...." that's just how people are, and you have to stand up for yourself?"

So now, it's my fail for not wanting to respond in some battling way to someone else cr8pping on me.

It means *I* am weak. *I* am passive and lame and stupid and wrong.

And of course it means I sit here feeling incredibly angry and helpless and stupid and pointless.... because I can't fight and I don't want to fight and no matter whether I'm right, it doesn't matter...

 

I didn't sign up for any of this. Not for having to struggle about every little thing. I'm just not capable. I don't even want to.

I don't

Idk

This, I guess, is what a "loser" is.

I just want to be

...shouldn't have to battle, go to war, just to be treated with respect

to me, that's insane

wrong

but for some reason

I truly am less of a person than others

 

and I look in the mirror and see the intolerable hideous and I can't escape myself

or anything

 

 

too empty anymore even for tears

 

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whitebutterfly11

None of it is fair. :(

To bear the weight of everyone else's blame is such a heavy, heavy burden to carry.

To feel like you cannot be you without repercussions is torture to a soul.

To feel like you are being judged by others would create a sense of hyper-vigilance and unrest. There is pain it all of it, on the most fundamental level. And then to experience this all and feel alone in your experience because it is something unique that others may not comprehend, would feel isolating and lonely. I hear the pain of it in your words and the seriousness of it too. It would feel like torture.  

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Quaddie

I think part of why I cannot ever express my feelings is because they are "large" and "complicated." They cannot be compressed into a single word or phrase. Ev.er. Never. They require long explanations, and metaphors and analogies - and a great deal of time and effort for me to identify and even begin to word -  let alone figure a way to actually make it communicable - and nobody is (of course) willing to listen or hear - or to put the thought into it that it would take to understand what I'm trying to say - especially if they're the perpetrator in the first place.

 

Of course, another reason is that it never matters and only makes things worse anyway. I'm never honored or respected for doing so. Maybe twice I can remember an apology coming from doing so - but those later turned into much, much worse against  me so again, it didn't matter.

 

I have zero - zero - zero personal "power" and overwhelmed by the aspects of life that are impossible for me.

 

I don't know if it's just a myth you see in media, that people are allowed to say when something's not okay with them. I preach that you're supposed to be able to, but to be honest, personally in my own life, it is never a thing that works.

 

So of course my "boundaries" don't matter and I'm still a nothing blob who is expected to just be okay with whatever crap comes onto me, by whoever - or else yes, consequences.

And the consequences aren't just of the "then they'll hate me" variety - they're not just in opinion or air -- but are in real-life survival stuff. Things that have real-life, genuine impact on my subsistence.

 

 

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AZ-home

This is something I have been dealing with this past year. We (me included, I'm going to preach to myself) need to stop looking to others for validation. What I do and how I do it doesn't matter to anyone else. Just me. If others don't like it, then they don't like ME, because I'm being me. And if people choose not to hang with me or like me anymore, then they are doing me a favor. I need to know who my "real" friends are and when I do me, they just naturally filter themselves FOR ME! Yes I have lost friends. They needed to go. I lost a family member. Heck, I lost a whole CHURCH...doing what I needed to do to keep my sanity! Sadly, they don't have my back and don't care about me or my well being. It's good to know those things. I know who to count on and who not. 

I'm misunderstood.

Those who care, get to know why I do the silly things I do. Then they understand me. The rest....don't care. 

Me going thorough my divorce was a filtering. It sifted my people into those with me and those not. I no longer worry about what the "nots' think. They will pick me apart no matter what I do. Or pick me apart unless I do things THEIR WAY. That's not how I work anymore. I USED to be that way but not anymore. I do me. Take it or leave it! I'd rather have a small tribe of people who love me just they way I am than a big crowd who really don't care. 

But getting to the state where I don't care what others think has been a long road. In my head I wanted to just get there but it wasn't like flipping a switch...now I don't need the approval and validation of others anymore. No, it's been a process. A very slow letting go. I can feel me getting there. 

The people on the reality shows are speaking their minds but they are FIGHTING each other. It's not they way we are supposed to be. You are a kind and peaceful person who doesn't want to fight! Those are GREAT characteristics! Own that! If they people around you don't admire those qualities, then shame on them! They are missing out on a wonderful person! You just do you and own it! The right people will take notice.

Let go of the fear of judgement of others. But it's a process. At least it is for me. You just do YOU. If you don't want to be confrontational, don't be confrontational. If you lose peoples' respect for being kind and peaceful, then you need to lose those people. It sounds like you live in a tough town. All you need is one good person who gets you. 

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Quaddie

I appreciate your journey, but for me in my life, it's not about social relationships that don't impact survival. That'd be easy. That stuff doesn't bother me. It's not about letting go and I don't look for others for validation and I don't "fear" judgment of others except that their judgments and negativity actively and legitimately harms me in very real, valid and measurable ways in my life and my ability to survive. Not "just" in my psyche (although that has been, at this point, totally destroyed and I want nothing to do with others anymore, really)... but actual physical survival.

This is a really difficult difference to explain, and I'm repeatedly unsuccessful in making the difference clear at all times or making myself clear or believed - but in my case and in my life, it is not as simple or elemental as "letting go of what others think" or not-looking to others for validation. This is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy beyond that...  It's not about friends, or family, or social structures. This has zero to do with self-esteem....  there's nothing *I* can do to change or fix this, and no "perspective" that would fix it (in fact, it's the opposite of that)...  I've tried everything over a half-century. Even though "It's not me, it's them" - that doesn't prevent a person from actual being impacted by others in ways that one cannot just "let go of" because they are people who legitimately hold sway over aspects of your life (unless one can find a magical miraculous solution that will free one from having to interact or 'need' them at all).

And in my case, it is not about self-esteem or not about how I, in particular, feel about myself but real-life genuine stuff. As in, "you are a ridiculous, hideous intolerable person who must change who you are or else you do not deserve to even exist and cannot do so here" <-- by people who actually control your subsistence and your ability to do so outside and beyond their own realm. Not "just" people who can be walked-away from, and not in ways that one is capable (whilst still surviving) of simply ignoring or "letting" it roll off one's shoulders without paying any attention to it, because they require your attending to it in order to survive.   AND this is done so repeatedly, that you cannot bear being in any situations anymore so you're basically effed.  They do this because of you believe yourself as not being horrible/hideous - I know that sounds convoluted and backwards - I know it seems like there must be some sort of "perspective" answer, but there isn't. It's absolutely nothing to do with anything *I* can actually do or change. Not even "perspective." "Shrugging off" in these situations is impossible by coercion/hostage of survival needs. 

ugh... .I can't explain...  

There are a lot more levels and dimensions to all of this. I wish I could describe it in ways that didn't make people automatically think it's "just" about not looking to others for validation or self-esteem or that I just needed to feel better about myself when it's so much more the opposite of all that........ it's just that most people don't have experience or a framework to understand... :(  I wish I could get across   ....   I wish I could make people understand...  that this has nothing to do with "just" social situations, or family, or anything like that, and that it's caused by the opposite of running my life for the validation or judgments of otherse. I know it's hard to believe. I know it "sounds" like I'm some sort of wackjob but I'm not. 

what I get is mostly because I am okay with being different and don't want to participate in crapola, and then am really severely (real-life, not "just" stuff one can turn away from) punished and castigated in ways that one cannot "just shrug off" - and it's especially and worseningly impactful, especially after being pummeled and punished and forced into grotesque situations about it repeatedly - - and I don't mean in "social people turn their backs on you" ways, but in severe life-changing devastating and very horrible soul-killing survival aspects of life.   But it's not just that, it's not just one type of situation - it's all the time, everywhere I go. I can't explain.  

And their "reasons" cease to matter, after a time and after enough repeats - it doesn't matter why someone keeps hammering on your head -- if they're doing it by mistake, if they're doing it because they think you're a piece of wood when you're not, if they're doing it because their own insecurities or whatever make them hammer - after a time, and enough hammering, it doesn't matter why the hammering happens - it only matters that you've been beaten to a pulp, and still forced to stand there exposed to the hammer. Only it's "your fault" for not dodging it successfully no matter where you run, and it's "your fault" for not telling them loudly enough or with the right words to stop, and it's "your fault" for even being in the world where hammers exist at all. And you don't want to be there - you just can't find a way out  because the hammers are an inescapable part of the real world of survival. (unless you can find that mystical magical miraculous way out, and of course it's still "your fault" if you fail at that, too - not like someone else is judging but it's not like anyone's going to miraculously save you - and you know that - this is not about fearing judgments - none of these are psychological constructs - I don't have flawed perceptions - it's been validated - it's just that the damage happens whether you try to pretend the pain doesn't exist or not - that hammer still bruises and bloodies and chips away the bone and crashes into the grey matter, no matter why the hammer falls, and no matter how you look at it.)

My situation and my life and my experience isn't anything that people have experienced or can relate to... :( . 

I don't CARE about the judgments of others .... I seriously don't ...... EXCEPT that it impacts me and my life in very legitimate and serious ways. In ways that seriously, very devastatingly impact my life very negatively. ALL. THE. TIME.  Its incredibly and indescribably isolating.... 

Ugh, I know I can't force anyone to not look at it the way that it's typically viewed....   like it's "all me." Like this is just my perceptions. But for me, that's a form of discounting... and it's even more helpless and hopeless that I can't "force" anyone to understand that what I'm talking about isn't what it looks like on the surface, at all. This isn't about self-esteem - and in fact, that's part of one of the devastating stereotypes that I'm bashed and pummeled with that have genuinely and real-life-survival impact harmed me....      

I know, I know <she says in futility and pain> it's hard to switch to a different perspective from what might be "typical" when a person says certain things, and I know that I'm vague about why.  But I'd have to spend a million hours and write a hundred million words and reveal a lot of exquisitely humiliating,degrading and agonizing experiences, over a lifetime, and it'd still be outside so much of what most people ever experience that I probably still wouldn't be understood or believed...   except for these things have happened, things that do happen, and keep getting worse, because I am not "typical" - and nobody can see beyond stereotypes or assumptions - in real life (not "just" socially where it doesn't matter and can be "shrugged off")......     and I don't know how to get across, it's not about social or "friends" or even family, I am quite easy at walking away from things like that which I'm not comfortable with. 

ugh   I can't explain, sorry

And no matter what I do, I'm wrong. I literally cannot win. Not while trying to survive within a world I'm obviously not meant to try to subsist within. And I know that it's the wrong world and I know I "need" to find another way and I just plain don't have the answers.

And still, you do have (or are "supposed to") to learn to have/deal with "conflict" - in whatever way, in whatever environment - because that sometimes is the only way you can "stand up" for yourself, and I seriously do not want to even have to. Not the slightest. I know it's boundaries. I know "expressing one's needs." (Or in <shudder disgusting> "being open to feedback" which literally, after half a century of simply being castigated, no no, I cannot)... Quite literally it never works for me. And my unwillingnessalso feeds into the whole stereotypes and assumptions and judgments when it's really - oh, I don't even know anymore...  if I am quite literally terrified of being beaten-up it's because that's all they do. It's the reality. 

And it doesn't matter, really, if it's "the wrong people" when those are the ones you have no choice but to try to survive amongst. If only 5% of the people in the world don't see me in stereotyped ways and with whole backstories that they create about me in their own heads, making assumptions and power plays to suit whatever their own psychology is -  if only 5% actually see and respect me as another human, well there's no way in heck that I can magically create a world in which to subsist with only those people because that's just not the way the world works... I don't get to pick and choose who creates entire environments or cultures, or how they change or who's in them. Not unless I - again - magically somehow find  way to create a magical solution so that I can secede from their world. That's not "just negativity" - it's a fact.  It's just a plain ol' fact.  I've lived plenty of life and had tons of experience...     I simply just can't explain....

So in order to even try to feel less completely isolated in my experience and extreme difficulties and extreme pain, I feel like I have to try to qualify my depiction, every time, trying to explain that this is so much more and so very different than the standard answers about self-esteem and not-looking-for-validation or fear of judgment, and try to explain that it's like the opposite of all that  - and I cannot succeed in my attempts to clarify, because it takes more ability than I own and perhaps more vision than I can provide, and so I'm still completely unable to get across what my world is like. I use too many words. My sentences aren't constructed briefly enough. I use the wrong words. I don't sufficiently differentiate concepts. I'm too vague. I fail.

it's futile to even try - then I try anyway (even knowing it's futile) because I'm in such a bad place that I'm desperate -  then I fail - then I piss people off - again and again.... over and over - with people thinking that I'm just a nutcase...    but I keep trying because I'm in so much pain, to try to get someone to understand - even though I know they're not going to - to try to get someone to believe me - my reality may not be typical...   it may look like, like it's apple juice, when it's really that chemical that just tastes like apple juice, and people think it's apple juice, when it's not really apple juice at all. It's really chemicals that have nothing to do with apple juice. 

feels like a different universe entirely

My apologies in advance for if this is taken with any tone other than despair

 

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