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Newlife2018

New here. Just wanted to share my story

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Newlife2018

Hi guy's. Well 9 years ago I got with my now ex partner.
3 years into our relationship I fell pregnant and gave birth to our child. I was so inlove with this man that I held onto the good times and I down played the bad.
Along the way there were a number of incidents where I was physically hurt including my face cut open, being kicked in the back, choked, slapped, spat on, bruises to my legs and chin. I was always scared of the angry side of my ex. He always had an excuse for his behaviour (usually alcohol). He gave up alcohol for a year and our relationship seemed to be going great. Until about 1 year ago when he stopped working and just became really lazy. I was working full time and then coming home to do all the household chores. Half way through 2017 he finally got a job again but just became angry at the world. He would claim he would be doing overtime and not come until early hours of the morning (didn't match up with his pay slips). Cash would also go missing, when I asked him what he spent it on he would become angry and tell me its none of my business and he works hard for his money. He also stopped coming to bed. He could go 3-4 days without sleeping. Again I would question him about this but he made me feel like I was going crazy.  He would tell me he did sleep in the garage or the couch. I suspected he was on drugs but I had no proof. Until one day I walked out into the garage and caught him red handed smoking ice through a glass pipe. I was so angry, I told him I was leaving. He cried and told me it was just a bit of fun and he wouldn't touch it again. The following day he showed me the glass pipe broken and I believed him. A whole week went by with him coming to bed (so I believed he was off the ice). But he was so irritable and would get angry at me for nothing, he would scream at me and throw things over nothing. Once he would calm down he would cry and appologise for what he did and tell me its because the drugs are still in his system but it will get better as the drugs leave his body. I soon realised he was still smoking ice as it became a weekly cycle. He would be high on wednesday through to Friday. Then would be 'coming down' on the weekend. He would literally sleep the whole weekend away only getting up to yell at my child or myself for interrupting his sleep or to yell at me to make him food. My child and I would tip toe around the house to keep the peace. I would cook and clean for him out of fear. Then 3 weeks before Christmas he was angry beecause i didn't get up and cook him food. It escalated so quickly he turned around and had a pocket knife pointed at me and said "I will slit your f***ing throat". I should've left at that moment but I didn't. I thought I could 'fix' him. Then on Christmas eve I sat and wrapped presents on my own as he lay next to me 'coming down'. I was watching his body twitch and take what seemed like forever to take his next breath. I knew he was still on drugs but I was too scared to fight with him because I didn't know if the next time he would actually kill me. It was christmas morning when I tried to wake him up to watch our kids (he has a child from a previous marriage also) open presents that I realised I couldn't help this man anymore. He yelled at me for waking him up and told me to 'stop forcing him'. This hurt me so bad because he could stay awake for days on end with  his friends but he could spend half an our with me and our kids. I made my escape two days after chritmas.  I packed two small bags and left. When I left I felt like I had no where to go. My mom is in a DV relationship herself and other than her I have 3 friend (my ex knows where they live). I went into refuge for two weeks and now I'm trying to rebuild a life for myself and my child. The day I left I blocked his number and deleted all my social media accounts. I haven't had any contact with him at all. While speaking to a social worker I realised I needed to take out a DVO. I went to the police station and made a statement the following day.  The police are also charging him with threats to kill. For some reason this makes me feel scared and guily. Its been two weeks since then and the police still can't find him to serve it. I hate that I am constanly looking over my shoulder because I'm scared. He has denied the abuse and claims he only mentally abused me. This is still so raw and I feel so many emotions all at once. Thanks for reading.

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Quaddie

Hi Newlife,

Welcome - sorry you've been experiencing abuse, but glad you found us.

It sounds like you've been doing all the right things - that's a really huge deal, and you should feel really proud of yourself.

It's normal to feel all the emotions and be all over the place. The guilt also is normal to feel, but doesn't mean you're doing anything "wrong." For one thing, it's not uncommon to feel like you're "doing something to them" by holding them accountable for their own actions. It feels like a choice being made to hurt them. Of course they bring these consequences onto themselves by being the way they are. Your taking care of yourself and your family and involving the law are the right things to do, even if it's scary. 

The dynamics of an abusive relationship also condition a person to feel responsible and guilty for the abuser. You get used to feeling like it's "your fault." Nothing about it is your fault, however. Not even for going to the police. The crime was his, not yours. It's not your burden. 

Do be careful and take proper precautions to keep yourself and your family safe. Take advantage of any resources that the police and/or the DV center can offer, including support groups, etc. The more emotional support you can get for yourself, the better. You may want to think about taking self-defense classes or something that could help empower you for more safety. It can be scary to be in that situation, but remember that you didn't cause it. It's not your fault. He did it on his own.

I hope they can locate him soon. Please be careful and take some time, also, to learn about yourself and take very special care of yourself.

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lizzibethak

Victims of coercive control are vulnerable, but not because they are weak, character-deficient, or mentally unwell.  They are vulnerable because they have been groomed.

The impact of the control on the victim is devastating. She exists in a constant state of fear that she has not moderated her behaviour sufficiently to avert catastrophe for herself and her children. Her fear is real and not imagined, as it is based on a realistic appraisal of the perpetrator’s capabilities. [Cassandra Wiener, Howard Journal of Crime and Justice]

 

A quick cut/paste from a website I visit/read weekly...................Crying Out for Justice.

Stay strong NewLife.............you can do this!!!

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Appletree

Newlife well done for getting out and going "no contact". Stay safe and come back here whenever you need support. 

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Newlife2018
On 21/01/2018 at 8:34 AM, Quaddie said:

Thank you for your responses Quaddie, lizziebethak and Appletree.

I have been in contact with my local DV resource centre and hope to start some counseling soon for my child and I. I managed to find a new place and we are slowly rebuilding our lives. I also feel guilty that I have taken my child away from his father (that was never my intention). However I feel like its the safest option for now. 

The police still haven't been able to locate my ex. Im still constantly in fear. Whenever I leave my house I am always looking over my shoulder. I have a fear of the unknow. He is still living at our old property however he is being evicted within the next 20 days. Hopefully I can get some of my things back and move on with my life. I just feel like I'm constantly waiting. 

I don't really know what is next. We are just taking each day as it comes.

Thanks for reading. Sorry I didn't reply earlier. 

 

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lizzibethak

Don't feel guilty for taking your child out of an unhealthy situation.............abusers will use children as both tools and weapons so the sooner you are getting the emotional support you need and the safe and healthy environment for your child, the process of healing and regaining your boundaries will happen.

You have come so far already.............good job!!

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Curly

Hi Newlife, You have done the right thing for both yourself and your child. Your ex partner is not a safe person for either you or your son to be around. Staying in the situation is also bad for your child as it sends the message that abuse is acceptable so by leaving you have shown your son it is not OK. 

Ice is definitely a worry as it is extremely addictive and often makes the addicts violent. It sounds like your ex was violent even without the ice so it is only going to make the situation worse.

I am glad you are in contact with your local domestic violence services.

I am wondering if you have moved away from the area where you lived with your partner. It is definitely much safer for you to be where you are not likely to run in to him. Probably a good idea to let people at your work know if it is likely he could come looking for you there.

Well done for getting out and for going no contact. That takes a lot of strength and courage.

You never deserved the abuse and you were never the cause of it. The abuse came from his own core beliefs and his own issues. The only person who can change him is himself and for that to happen he has to both see there is a problem and want to change. Sadly very unlikely.

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JamesF
On 1/19/2018 at 11:53 PM, Newlife2018 said:

Hi guy's. Well 9 years ago I got with my now ex partner.
3 years into our relationship I fell pregnant and gave birth to our child. I was so inlove with this man that I held onto the good times and I down played the bad.
Along the way there were a number of incidents where I was physically hurt including my face cut open, being kicked in the back, choked, slapped, spat on, bruises to my legs and chin. I was always scared of the angry side of my ex. He always had an excuse for his behaviour (usually alcohol). He gave up alcohol for a year and our relationship seemed to be going great. Until about 1 year ago when he stopped working and just became really lazy. I was working full time and then coming home to do all the household chores. Half way through 2017 he finally got a job again but just became angry at the world. He would claim he would be doing overtime and not come until early hours of the morning (didn't match up with his pay slips). Cash would also go missing, when I asked him what he spent it on he would become angry and tell me its none of my business and he works hard for his money. He also stopped coming to bed. He could go 3-4 days without sleeping. Again I would question him about this but he made me feel like I was going crazy.  He would tell me he did sleep in the garage or the couch. I suspected he was on drugs but I had no proof. Until one day I walked out into the garage and caught him red handed smoking ice through a glass pipe. I was so angry, I told him I was leaving. He cried and told me it was just a bit of fun and he wouldn't touch it again. The following day he showed me the glass pipe broken and I believed him. A whole week went by with him coming to bed (so I believed he was off the ice). But he was so irritable and would get angry at me for nothing, he would scream at me and throw things over nothing. Once he would calm down he would cry and appologise for what he did and tell me its because the drugs are still in his system but it will get better as the drugs leave his body. I soon realised he was still smoking ice as it became a weekly cycle. He would be high on wednesday through to Friday. Then would be 'coming down' on the weekend. He would literally sleep the whole weekend away only getting up to yell at my child or myself for interrupting his sleep or to yell at me to make him food. My child and I would tip toe around the house to keep the peace. I would cook and clean for him out of fear. Then 3 weeks before Christmas he was angry beecause i didn't get up and cook him food. It escalated so quickly he turned around and had a pocket knife pointed at me and said "I will slit your f***ing throat". I should've left at that moment but I didn't. I thought I could 'fix' him. Then on Christmas eve I sat and wrapped presents on my own as he lay next to me 'coming down'. I was watching his body twitch and take what seemed like forever to take his next breath. I knew he was still on drugs but I was too scared to fight with him because I didn't know if the next time he would actually kill me. It was christmas morning when I tried to wake him up to watch our kids (he has a child from a previous marriage also) open presents that I realised I couldn't help this man anymore. He yelled at me for waking him up and told me to 'stop forcing him'. This hurt me so bad because he could stay awake for days on end with  his friends but he could spend half an our with me and our kids. I made my escape two days after chritmas.  I packed two small bags and left. When I left I felt like I had no where to go. My mom is in a DV relationship herself and other than her I have 3 friend (my ex knows where they live). I went into refuge for two weeks and now I'm trying to rebuild a life for myself and my child. The day I left I blocked his number and deleted all my social media accounts. I haven't had any contact with him at all. While speaking to a social worker I realised I needed to take out a DVO. I went to the police station and made a statement the following day.  The police are also charging him with threats to kill. For some reason this makes me feel scared and guily. Its been two weeks since then and the police still can't find him to serve it. I hate that I am constanly looking over my shoulder because I'm scared. He has denied the abuse and claims he only mentally abused me. This is still so raw and I feel so many emotions all at once. Thanks for reading.

Wow you have been thru so much yet your still kicking. I'm so sorry you went thru all that, it sounds truly awful. There is a very big community for abuse and it can help immensely! You've done so well leaving keep it up! Take it one hour at a time if you have to. You can get thru this I promise! 

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Newlife2018

Thank you for your words of encouragement lizzibethak. 

Thank you Curly. Yes I have moved away from the area and I am looking for a new job. My ex still hasn't been served yet. Eventhough he is still at the house. I also haven't been able to get any of my belongings back and it makes my a bit angry. I just want it all to be over.

Thank you JamesF. Today I have taken each hour as it comes. I feel so numb right now I can't really describe it. I am usually a very emotional person. Since I left I have only cried once and every day just feels like a dream. I can't believe this is how it ended.

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

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Quaddie

I'm sorry, but I don't understand - if he's still at the house, then why won't they serve him? 

And once they do, will it give you an opportunity to get your things back?

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Newlife2018

I don't know its so frustrating. The police have told me he isn't there and they can't find him. However the real estate agent has sent me photos of cars at the property and he has also gone to the property and spoken to my ex this week. 

 

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Quaddie

:( Sounds like they're not trying very hard, I'm sorry

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Newlife2018

Yes thats exactly how I feel. The police have told me they will find him they just can't at the moment. The real estate said he would give me the chance to get my stuff (if its still there) after he is evicted. My ex has just been able to continue his life while we have had to start again. 

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lizzibethak

NewlIfe..............don't be discouraged by him getting to live "status quo"..........you are starting over because it's the healthy thing to do while he will continue to live in his mess of dysfunction.  You are the healthy one!!!  Never forget that!

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