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whitebutterfly11

Abusers Who Clearly See Abuse in Others but Not Themselves

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whitebutterfly11

Although I don't have much contact anymore with Mr. BS, whom I have been separated from for a while, when I do, his claims of change include:

- A literal repulsion toward those (mostly men) who sexually manipulate, control, coerce or punish their spouses/partners

- Claims that those who rape their spouses are the very worst caliber of person and deserve eternal punishment

- Tears (I mean, REAL tears) when he hears about children who are yelled at or abused or neglected by parents

- Disgust over people who have psychopathic tendencies, and sending me articles about psychopathy

- A distinct separation of his previous abuse and behavior from similar behavior exhibited by others, with anger and repulsion for others and a disconnect with his own behavior (which he claims has completely changed)

- Denial, minimizing, whitewashing, and completely changing the narrative of his own abuse. Claiming it is all in his past, and has been in his past for years. 

- Claiming that I am "just as bad of a parent, if not worse."

- Claiming that I have boundary issues and that he is trying to teach me how to not cross his own boundaries. Also bringing up two vague things I did in 10+ years to cross boundaries, how uncomfortable that made him feel. Making me feel guilty like any innocent mistake I made was abusive, or even worse than what he did to me. And, though I fall into the trap of believing I'm just like the abuser, I do know that I am not an abuse-prone person. But when I talk to him, I BELIEVE I am. 

- Claiming that he was never abusive, he was simply "too afraid to speak to his own boundaries" and let me cross them. 

This coming from the same person who raped, sexually abused, verbally abused, emotionally abused me for a decade, and currently still abuses my son when he sees him, AND has a history of psychopathic/anger management behaviors.

It would help me to know your experiences with this same thing. Or just your thoughts. I have been through trauma and have PTSD from this, and my biggest hurdle is falling into the trap of believing I am just as bad, just as abusive, and over-accusing of my abuser. I am trying to believe that I did the right thing by separating. He is trying to convince me that we are equal in terms of our behavior. I have lost so much of my ability to perceive my own feelings that I often believe him, and it's really difficult for me to separate myself from his ideas/thoughts/behavior. 

 

 

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Quaddie

His name, "Mr BS," says it all.

He is bwawk bwawk bwawking at you, it's ALL MANIPULATION. ALL of this! Classic abuser-speak, blame-shifting, gaslighting, the whole nine yards.

I was about to shout "Boundaries!" (for YOU to establish YOURS) right before I got to the part where you say HE claimed YOU have boundary issues?!?!?  Talk about your projection!!  ALL this stuff HE'S doing are MAJOR boundary violations. 

He is very clearly showing how very, very badly manipulative he is, by all these things.

It's not you, it's him.

Protect yourself. Build your wall, dig your moat. Don't allow him to suck to into such conversations. Keep convos to ONLY necessities such as logistics about the children. Tell him you will no longer discuss the relationship with him. Period. If he starts, hang up. 

Or don't talk to him at all, tell him all logistical info should be relayed via email.

YOU get to decide how HE gets to connect with you. Take the reins. You have the right. You are not"his thing" and you have no obligation to put up with this nonsense.

 

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Bennu

Mine did many of those things. The way that he could manufacture tears was his best feat. I had never seen him cry and then he was able to turn them on at will. Such an actor. My minor transgressions that were really a result of years of his abuse became me being the culprit.Rewriting our history.  All those things. No contact is the biggest help. I hope that I can get over this and have a normal relationship some day.

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Fluffyflea

Mine used to tell me the difference between him and other men is he "likes" women. 

Thats so pathetic. He hates women.

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hoping

whitebutterfly

It is not you, it is him, he is abusive, you are a wonderful person. Don't believe him, he is either delusional or thinks he has a right to treat you this way. You are a good moral person. We all make mistakes and some of us do things we know are wrong but he is doing things over and over again that are wrong. I know you want to do the right thing and you want to live a peaceful happy life, there is nothing wrong with that and it hasn't happened with him and your not even with him and he is still making you feel bad. It's not you.....

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Fluffyflea

Remember their minds are different than ours.

 

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AZ-home

O

M

G

I SO have experience with this. I am so fired up that my fingers are ready to fly all over my keyboard in response. Let me calm down and organize my thoughts. The short version for now is: TOXIC MANIPULATION and major projection! Reject it! DO NOT own this. Reject. Refund.

Aaaaaaaah!!! I feel like I know your H. 

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lizzibethak

Pfft.................that is all.............pfft................unless you count snorting coffee through your nose reading his "conversion"

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whitebutterfly11

Thank you for this validation! I can't believe how hard it is to SEE it still, which is why your comments help me so much.

I think when they get to the point where they are desperately trying to prove to you that they are different, even opposite, of who they really are, it starts to look desperate. it's like you start to see all of the cracks in their foundation. Again, I can't believe I still fall for the guise, but that's what gaslighters and psychological abusers DO--it's all smoke and mirrors. 

I feel like I need a whole team around me to remind me, over and over again maybe a hundred times every day that he is really an abuser and he hasn't changed.

Thank you so much.

 

 

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Quaddie

Keep in mind the overarching fact that his simply even trying to tell you he's "changed" and his pouring all this crap on you *IS* a huge boundary violation. Someone who respects and cares about you, would not do this. Then waterboarding you with his manipulative words and critiques... shudder... he's bad, all right. It's really showcasing clearly that he is abusive.

 

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Fluffyflea

He's using the language of abuse to twist things back on you to make you to be the bad one or at very least on the same level as him which you aren't by the way.

Heres what mine said to me when I told him I was afraid of him " Well all those punches you threw at me, I have never hit a woman."

Those "Punches" that he's referring to are when we would play around joking. Little me 120 pounds to his 250 pounds.

 

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Kanga

It is so good you are no longer with this man. His opinion of the past is not relevant. You're moving forward and obsessing about the past is not useful. 

Minimal contact only will allow you to clear your head. It takes time though. Don't open the articles he sends because that is like him setting an agenda for what you read and think about. Ignore ignore. 

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