Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Wildflowers

Have I gone mental?

Recommended Posts

Wildflowers

I'm feeling conflicted lately, more than I have in years about my relationship . I've been with him for 9 years now and we've had ups and downs like any other couple, but I'm sad to think we stay together out of loyalty to the family we've made together. I know he loves me, and I love him, but after recent events I wonder if it's healthy for us to be together.

We had an incident recently (first like this ever) and I ended up in jail. I feel like I deserved punishment, but I didn't deserve to go to jail. The kids were gone with gramma, and my husband and I were alone. My husband and I were drinking, I try not to drink (I shouldn't obviously and rarely do) but I did, and drank way too much. I had been asking my husband to go to counseling for years but he won't, says the therapist is always on my side. I wanted to talk, and  I wouldn't leave him alone. He was trying to sleep and I knew I was making him mad by bothering him. I need to note I'm a lot bigger than my husband, twice his size. I got on top of him telling him to talk to me, "look at me, talk to me" I kept saying, I told him he was mean, and he kicked me off him. I got on him again messing with him, I punched myself in the face like he used to do when he was upset, and he grabbed my wrists. I was stupid, I kept bothering him, and he grabbed hold of my neck. I remember grabbing his hands over my throat, but nothing again till I went out of the room and talked to the next person I saw. She asked what the marks were on my neck, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I went in to the bathroom and saw the bruises. While I cried she called the police, and I was mortified. My husband hates police. I told the police I started the fight, please leave him alone, but they had to talk to him. I told them my eye was my fault, that he used to give himself blacks eyes and hit himself when he was upset. I told them I didn't put the marks on my neck or the bruise on my chest. He told them everything I did was self inflicted with a pen, and showed them a video of me (mostly audio) of me yelling at him. He told them I was on him punching him. I went to jail that night. He called my mother and his mom and gramma crying, telling them how I went nuts on him and that I was abusive.

I'm going to go into therapy now obviously, but feel my husbands lies and his continued drinking is breaking me. Am I as terrible as he says? Why stay with me? Am I really an abuser? Why was his mother and gramma so ready to dismiss the bruises on my neck? I must be the abuser here, I feel like I've lost it. I'm sad and afraid of the fact I may be terrible like he says, or worse, that's he's manipulated me into thinking I am. I think he thought I wouldn't remember all of the events that took place that night, but I remember enough.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

I'm feeling conflicted lately, more than I have in years about my relationship . I've been with him for 9 years now and we've had ups and downs like any other couple, but I'm sad to think we stay together out of loyalty to the family we've made together. I know he loves me, and I love him, but after recent events I wonder if it's healthy for us to be together. We had an incident recently (first like this ever) and I ended up in jail. I honestly feel like I should have been punished, but I didn't deserve to go to jail. The kids were gone with gramma, and my husband and I were alone. My husband and I were drinking, I try not to drink (I shouldn't obviously and rarely do) but I did, and drank way too much. I had been asking my husband to go to counseling but he won't, says the therapist is on my side. I wanted to talk.  I wouldn't leave him alone, he was trying to sleep. I'm a lot bigger than my husband, twice his size. I got on top of him telling him to talk to me, told him he was mean, and he kicked me off em. I got on him again messing with him, and he grabbed hold of my neck. I remember grabbing his hands over my throat, but nothing again till I went out of the room and talked to the next person I saw. She asked what the marks were on my neck, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I went in to the bathroom and saw them. I cried and she called the police, and I was mortified. My husband hates police. I told the police I started the fight, please leave him alone, but they had to talk to him. He told them everything I did was self inflicted and showed them a video of me (mostly audio) of me yelling at him. I went to jail that night. He called my mother and everyone crying and telling them how I went nuts on him and that I was abusive. I'm going to go into therapy obviously, but feel my husbands lies and his continued drinking is breaking me. Am I as terrible as he says? Why stay with me? Why does his family act like the bruises on my neck were no big deal...I'm sad and don't know what to do.

(I originally replied to the post in the other thread, then saw you'd posted here so I moved my reply here to this thread.)

 

Wildflower, that's truly awful! HE choked you hard enough to leave bruises, then turned it around and shifted the blame onto you, liked to police and risked your entire life and future?

This is enough to be a definitive "he is bad and you should not be with him." No ifs, ands or buts.

His family will support him no matter what. They are not going to see your side or support you. I have seen and heard of really egregious cases of the family of the abuser supporting the abuser in the face of the most obvious wrongdoing. So the fact that they support him means absolutely nothing about the actual truth.

If you stay with him, it will not get better.

We've had members who were severely traumatized by similar situations, then their h's held the threat of jail over their heads to keep them submissive and "stuck." 

Once something like this has happened -once the abuser has gone this far - not only with the choking (it's a deal-breaker) but then the blame-shifting and the lies to the law - there is no going back. There is no fixing this. 

Couples counseling will not help and would only make you more confused and keep you stuck longer. Couples counseling cannot work in abusive situations. Usually, it tries to spread the blame to be shared where it does not belong. No, you do not deserve blame. No, you are not a terrible person. No, it's not your fault.

The way you acted was most probably "reactive abuse." It's a real thing. It doesn't mean you are at-fault or that you are terrible.

Please read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, as a start. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

I wasn't sure how to post it separately and I just really needed to get it out yesterday. I hadn't really talked about it with anyone and yesterday was the first time I brought it up since it happened last month. 

I thank you for responding on both posts, I didn't see your response in the other one. Im going to counseling for myself alone. It's still hard to wrap my head around this. It's hard to believe I let it go this far, that I really married a man that could treat me this way, make me believe I'm crazy, and go on living with me depressed and not care at all as long as I keep quiet and clean the house and care for the kids. 

I don't know whether I'm too stubborn or just plain stupid trying to keep my family together. His grammas pushing about counseling, and I realize it's because she knows the truth and doesn't want to admit her grandson has issues. I have issues too, but I know I didn't try to hurt him. I keep telling myself if will get better if he stops drinking, and I can move past the betrayal and lies from that night. He won't go to counseling for himself, but agrees to couples counseling. I am afraid he'll hold back or lie like you said, but I feel I owe it to the girls to try to keep the family together.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

I'll read the book. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

(((Wildflowers)))

Drinking isn't the cause of his behaviors, it is simply one channel through which he shows his true colors.

If he were magically cured of drinking, he would still find a way to abuse.

Those bruises on your neck were HIS doing. HE is capable of being THAT violence. Whatever happened that night, I feel like he walked away blameless for committing a serious crime against you, and that it won't be the last time if you stay with him. When an abuser shows you his true colors and capabilities, the best thing you can do is to protect yourself. 

The first place to start is to learn everything you can about abuse. Quaddie's suggestion of "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is an essential read and I second it. There are also wonderful websites on abuse that you could find with a simple google search, that might help validate you and your experience.

I'm so sorry that you've been through this. Empower yourself with any knowledge you can find on abuse, and keep posting if it will help. We will validate you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Couples counseling is strongly recommended against . It won't help and is most likely to only confuse you and make matters actually *worse* for you. For many reasons, which I can't get into atm.

Drinking does not cause an abuser. And you cannot change a person nor make them stop drinking anyway. Imo, drinking only shows what he is inside.

Unfortunately, the truth that he is abusive will not change with counseling nor even if he stops drinking.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fluffyflea

Abusers are abusers whether they drink or not.

My ex hasn't had a drink in 41 years and he's still a mean pr$&k!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

I think I'm just having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact this might be an abusive relationship. It's hard for me after 9 years of being with him that I would just now see it. I always thought there was just something wrong with me because I'm on Zoloft and and my feeling alone was just my depression. I do know I've  made mistakes and been mean or too hard on him. I know I've had trouble every now and then drinking too much. I don't drink often, I know I shouldn't. I feel like it may be both of us and we bring out the worst in each other. I've only been in 2 serious relationships and he's the second man I've ever been with, and he's the father of my 3 girls. I can't just leave. I have to try don't I? I don't know.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

There's no rule that says you have to try.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

If we were to strip away the abuse from this situation (which is a SERIOUS factor) and simply examine the nature of your relationship, is it one that you could ever feel happy within? If you bring out the worst of each other, is that a functional relationship to be in? Would living with this person, EVEN IF THE DRINKING WAS NOT A PROBLEM be what makes you feel safe, loved, and respected?

And, I know that nine years with a person can lead you to feel comfortable with the chaos, so to speak, and that it's all you've known for a long time, also the situation in which you've had your daughters. BUT. Consider that you may be fighting against what feels normal and what is familiar to you, even if it is abusive, chaotic, and not the kind of environment that can foster the sort of safety that you and your girls need to feel emotionally grounded, safe, and secure.

The issue that comes up with living long-term with abusers is that we begin to become desensitized to their abuse, so it feels like NORMAL. Walking on eggshells, being put down, yelled at, or threated, having this constant sense of feeling unsafe becomes the norm. As humans we are adaptable to our environments, and given enough time in even the most dangerous situations, we can feel a sense of familiarity and normality. But this also creates trauma, where we stay in out of FEAR rather than out of safety, and that is where the confusion sets in. 

When an abuser physically hurts you, this becomes a fact that you must always remember, that weighs up against ALL feelings of loyalty and commitment and familiarity with this person. The fact that he is capable of hurting you, even taking your life (because physical abuse tends to get worse and worse) can never be ignored. And, if he is capable of doing this to you, he is also capable of doing this to your daughters. They are essentially in a situation that is threatening and dangerous to them. Physical abuse is a dealbreaker in a relationship, and especially in an environment in which there are children. Then the priority shifts from being loyal to a marriage contract to being the protector of our children.

I am saying this from a similar place, in which my husband has been physically abusive to my son. I couldn't see it for a LONG time, that this was dangerous, because living with him was NORMAL to me after 10+ years, and because the abuse wasn't THAT bad, wasn't physically hurting my son per se (but it was scaring him). I had a long list of justifications to stay inside of that relationship, and at a certain point, it all fell apart. I had to make a choice between staying with my H and making him happy, and separating so that I could protect the wellbeing of my children. It was the hardest decision, and it should have been obvious, it shouldn't have been hard, but it WAS. It took someone else making it for me for me to understand and take that necessary step. And, I'm still working through it all, but I definitely know in hindsight that it was absolutely IMPERATIVE that I got out, and that my kids got away from him, so they we all could heal.

We make mistakes as humans, but those mistakes do not EVER necessitate staying in a relationship that is hurting or threatening us. No matter what we have done, we ALL deserve to be SAFE.

(((HUGS)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Oh and by the way? Your post title/opening question - feeling like you're going crazy is pretty much a sure sign of being abused.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

I spoke to him about it and he said he hopes it never happens again. He said he felt attacked and he told the police any marks he made were in self defense. In the report it said he told them I did it with a pen or some other object. I asked if he would go to therapy for himself alone and he said "if you want me institutionalized". I'm starting to rethink everything we've been through together. I got home for 20 mins an he made our daughter cry cuz she was annoying him and told me "I told her to leave me alone!". It reminded me of what he said to me. He admitted I wasn't reall hitting him to hurt him, and he didn't try to leave the room till after he choked me. I told him I lied to the police (well, didn't respond with an answer) when they asked if at any point i couldn't breathe. He looked at me then and asked if o couldn't. I told him of course not, you were gripping my neck with your hand. He said he regrets putting his hands on me, but that I was attacking him and he feels like a piece of sh@t and a sh@@ty husband. 

Im feeling like I want to leave, but afraid of how it'll work. Me a single mom with 3 kids, where will I go? What if he tries to use the jail time against me to take the girls or something. His Gramma said he sounds like her old abusive husband (my husbands grandfather) bit she's an old lawyer and loves her grandson, surely she'll side with him. If I left I would want us both to see the kids, I don't want money, I just want to be comfortable in my own home.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie
43 minutes ago, Wildflowers said:

I spoke to him about it and he said he hopes it never happens again.

Keyword: "HOPES." He HOPES??!?!?! BZZZZZ WRONG ANSWER, dude. But to tell you the truth, even when they promise up and down it'll never happen again - it still does. This man is dangerous to you - not just physically, but psychologically, and has already manipulated the situation to get you into legal trouble for something he, himself did. There is nothing worthwhile keeping there, in my opinion - a person who would do this to you, has no love or caring for you whatsoever. You are an object of convenience for him. And, other members in this situation have been severely traumatized by having this threat of police over their heads. It's a horrible, no-win situation.

He said he felt attacked   "HE felt attacked." Poor baby. >-\

and he told the police any marks he made were in self defense. In the report it said he told them I did it with a pen or some other object.

I asked if he would go to therapy for himself alone

Wouldn't fix abuse, anyway. In order for there to be the miniscule chance of eventual change (which I seriously doubt can actually occur), he'd have to want to do it for himself, and would be alone to work through his crap,. Whether you leave or stay. Many abusers make promises to get their target to stay, but don't follow through - or pretend to follow through. Therapy on his own isn't going to fix the relationship or abuse. It would have to be specific to the abuser/controller/manipulator mindset - and not "anger management," either, because that's not really what's behind the abusive mindset, either. Their brains work entirely differently.

and he said "if you want me institutionalized". See how he leapt to some catastrophic blame-shifting insulting fact-altering manipulation? That's straight-up abuserspeak for you...

He said he regrets putting his hands on me, but that I was attacking him and he feels like a piece of sh@t and a sh@@ty husband.  <-- again, first of all, that all-important "BUT." He regrets it BUT it was YOUR FAULT!!! Blame-shifting. And the "he feels like a piece of_____" is manipulation through guilt. You're supposed to feel sorry for him that he feels so bad because of what he did. None of it is "on him" - nope, of course not - it's all on you. Typical abuser.

Im feeling like I want to leave, but afraid of how it'll work. Me a single mom with 3 kids, where will I go? What if he tries to use the jail time against me to take the girls or something. His Gramma said he sounds like her old abusive husband (my husbands grandfather) bit she's an old lawyer and loves her grandson, surely she'll side with him. If I left I would want us both to see the kids, I don't want money, I just want to be comfortable in my own home.

The "what ifs" won't matter when this situation becomes worse and worse, and more difficult to get out. It doesn't matter who sides with him. You can't let other people siding with him determine how the rest of your life and your children's is going to go. Even if she is a lawyer. She's not your lawyer. He is dangerous, and it doesn't matter what she thinks. 

And as for him seeing the kids? He has been physically abusive toward you. You must be wary of sugar-coating that in your head. Wanting to not interfere in his relationship with the kids... think about that for a sec. WHO is the one who choked you? He did. He did it, and HE is verbally/emotionally abusive - lies, manipulation, blame-shifting, rewriting history, getting YOU in trouble with the law for HIS actions!!! Indefensible and a clear deal-breaker!! - and it sounds also like he is an alcoholic, and with a tendency to become physically out of control.  All these things are entirely ON HIM. HIS responsibility, HIS things to "own." You can't determine right now that making sure he sees the kids is a priority or even important at this point.

First things first. Don't get ahead of yourself, and please don't worry about how he would fare in anything you do. (That's not "yours" to worry about or try to control.)

Here are some steps you can take:

  • Contact your local Domestic Violence resource and tell them your husband choked you. No doubt they have also experienced the situation where the abuser turned-tables on the victim with law enforcement, as well. Ask them if they have any resources, advice or support. 
     
  • Contact an attorney - set up an appointment for a consultation to learn your rights if you proceed with leaving. Don't worry about what money you want or don't want - and definitely don't worry about amounts of child support (in most cases that's determined by the court and not you). Just find out your rights, and the situation. You can see several attorneys and get several consultations, if you want, until you find someone you feel comfortable with. It's important that you feel they are on your side and that they "get" the situation.


You don't need to worry about any "what ifs" right now. Just take some steps to move yourself forward and get yourself safer by obtaining information and support. Knowledge is power.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

My therapist suggested we separate for a bit but I can't do it. The only place I can think of to go is his grandmothers and she would flip.

The therapist also said there are two kinds of abuse. One where one person is manipulative and wants to islolate the other from everyone, and also the type where moments happen and someone feels overwhelmed and lashes out.  

I know most of you said no to therapy, but I would feel like I'm giving up on myself and my family if I didn't. I am sad that my husband won't go to therapy, but I can't change him. I guess I wonder if were both so sad since we're trying to be what the other wants. I want him to be a family man, and he wants me to clean, take care of the kids, and give him attention whenever he wants. 

I think I'm just getting tired of going through these cycles. Things change for a bit, things are ok and then finally it builds up and I just get irritated and we fight. His grandmother says I've been unhappy with myself for a long time, I feel like that's her resting it all on my shoulders. I feel we should both be making changes, bit just one side.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fluffyflea

Why don't you go to Therapy alone?

Hell just use it against you if he goes with you that's why people said no. They gather information on our vulnerabilities and then they use it against us plus they twist and turn everything and lie,lie,lie. They are EVIL! That is hence the name Malignant Narcissist.

And his Grandmother sounds like she's putting it all on you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

I'm going alone. That's how I felt too, I feel I like it's no wonder I feel like I'm crazy everyone's pointing at me saying "it's you! It's all in your head!".

my mom sees it, when he's thrown our daughter in the couch, his cousin saw when he put a pillow in the baby, ive seen him push the crib against the wall while the baby is till in it, it left a dent in the wall. 

I feel like his gramma is hoping I'll fix him. I keep him from drugs and alcohol, our family somehow gives him more strength. I just don't know how much more I have left in me. I don't want to feel like a nag anymore, or in making him be something he's not. He says he's a boring  a@@ dad" now. I love him, but I'm tired, his gramma says it's on yourself if you're not happy. I'm taking the steps needed to do so, what is he doing? 

I cant fix us if only I am making changes right? I can't keep trying to fix us all by myself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

The therapist said so far it sounds like the mutual abuse, but I've only seen her twice.

i don't know if I care anymore what is going on, he's not willing to take responsibility for anything wrong. He just says "I know, I'm a pice of sh@t, I'm a sh@@ty person." 

How am I supposed to talk to him if that's how the conversation always ends? When I was drunk I kept at him, "talk to me!", "look at me!".....

but we know how that turned out :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

Abusers can't really change.

That is the sad truth, the one every victim who loves their abuser must eventually face. And we all hope that our abuser is among the 1% who actually does change when he gets what he's doing wrong (although even the 1% is questionable because it is IMPOSSIBLE to change entitled, abusive brains). The more difficult truth to accept is that his brain is wired to abuse, and it's not going to change. AT MOST, he could stop some of his behavior because stopping it GIVES HIM WHAT HE WANTS (i.e.. you as an object there to serve him and meet his needs). That is the BEST case scenario. He will continue to view you as an object, though, through which he gets what he wants, and his moments of "niceness" will only be tactics he uses to keep you in, and not genuine kindness or respect.

He's not ever going to get it. He's not going to feel remorse. He's not going to change--there is no way you can change anyone at all. That is beyond your scope of control. Counseling will not help him get better at all, even if he were to go. 

Is it that you feel like you have your issues too, so in some way you are equal to the abuser himself? Does that make you feel like you have no right to speak up against him, or to say he's an abuser, or leave him? Or to fully accept the danger he presents? If so, you are not alone. Many of us do this. In long-term abuse, it is not unusual for the victim to start displaying abusive behaviors to mimic the abuse of the perpetrator in order to fight back or simply to survive life with him. We've all made mistakes, but NONE OF US deserve to live in an unsafe environment where abuse is rampant and the physical well-being of you and your children is being threatened.

A man who can smother your baby, push a crib against the wall, and shove your children IS NOT SAFE. He is a THREAT to your children, and to you. And he will never change. He will continue to fight, to abuse, and to wear you down until you feel like you can never get out. There will be times that he is nice, and that is DELIBERATE to keep you in. Niceness is an important part of abuse, because if he were mean all of the time, you'd never stay with him. He HAS to have moments of niceness to convince you that he's worth keeping around, or to try and urge you to stay with him, because that is what he wants. When he feels like he is losing his object that cooks and cleans and meets his needs, he will start doing or saying what you want to hear in order to keep you meeting his needs. But it is not REAL. His kindness is all fake, designed to manipulate and control you so you won't leave. That is one of the hardest things I had to accept within my abusive marriage, and something I am still struggling with today, even after I've been separated for a time.

You've been hurt. Your children have been hurt. If there is even a morsel of humanity in him, he will let you go and allow you to separate from him in order to heal yourself. And he will respect your choice, without harassing you. 

There are domestic violence centers all over, and if you search online, you'll find the one closest to you. They offer free services, and can often offer temporary housing too. If family cannot take you in, there is government housing you can apply for through your city building. It is not impossible. There are options for you. The place to start is to call your local domestic violence center and talk to a counselor or a representative who can walk you through the steps you need to take to get out and give you hope for freedom from abuse. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Writing notes before reading all the new posts.

1. He is exhibiting physically violent behavior against your children. This is a dangerous sign.

2. You can't "fix him." Nobody can. There is no point in trying to get him to change - he won't. Nagging won't fix anything, anyway. If you've had influences with him against substances (which I thought he is still having substance issues anyway) that's just happenstance and not because you are a magical being or something. NO ONE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON THAT WAY. You are not responsible for fixing or changing him. That's an unfair burden that anyone - you or his grandma - put on yourself. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Boundaries means knowing what's "yours" to own, and what's not.

3. And no, you can't "fix us." Nobody can fix a relationship, for one thing. That's because there are two people in it. And no, you can't fix the relationship if you're the only one working on it (or yourself). And you can't even fix you, either, within an abusive relationship - because it's a toxic environment that creates issues even as you are trying to heal or work on yourself. It's not really an environment in which one can expect oneself to be able to heal or get better. It's like trying to get over the effects of poisonous water while still drinking it. It doesn't work.

4. I'd advise you might want to look into getting another therapist. Saying it's "mutual abuse" is going to confuse you and not help you more. You need someone who is thoroughly experienced and knowledgeable in the topic of abuse. There's not "abuse that happens in a moment" because someone gets angry. That's just normal anger - not abuse. Abuse is systematic, over time, and more about control and manipulation than sudden outbursts. (Which is not to say that outbursts aren't abusive. But if confuses the issue if one tries to throw in "normal" anger into a relationship with an abusive partner.)  And there is something called "reactive abuse" which is when the victim lashes out against the abuse, but then it's taken as "abusive." But that person is not abusive - they are just suffering the side-effects of being abused. 

I'd also advise you to get in touch with a local domestic violence resource. They may have recommendations for support resources and perhaps even counselors that are more experienced or helpful in this dynamic. They may have support groups or other resources as well. Also advice as to resources for housing, etc. I'd recommend doing their danger assessment, too.

<going back up to read more now>

5. Trying to talk to him to fix his behaviors or calling him out isn't going to change them. It's standing up, yes, but it won't fix him. And again, it's not on your shoulders to do so. He's not a child whose behaviors it's your job to shape and mold and "correct." He's an adult and his behaviors are his own responsibility.

And I also second everything that WB said.

He will not take responsibility. They are wired differently. It's banging your head against a brick wall to try to get him to "see" what he's doing. He doesn't care what he's doing or how it impacts you. That's the thing about abusers. It's not that they don't know - they honestly don't care. So trying to get them to take responsibility doesn't change anything or matter. It's like you're not a person to him. Abusers see their targets as objects, as extensions of themselves. Your feelings or emotions don't matter any more than a toaster's would. You're his toaster. An object to do things for him. 

It seems like you have not only his "voice" inside your head, but also his grandmother's. She's just a person, like any other person - she's not god or the boss of you or the judge of you. In the scheme of life, it doesn't matter one bit what she thinks of you, or what she thinks you're supposed to do with him. It's actually none of her business (and wayyyy outside your responsibility, anyway). Boundaries.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Fluffyflea

They really do see us as just Objects to fulfill THEIR needs not ours in anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Appletree

Also perhaps consider that you do not actually love him but the best version of him that he has presented to you in the past. That is not really him. It's a carefully constructed image (consciously or subconsciously) that he shows to people before deciding whether to abuse them. That's not a conscious decision as such but the consequence of how people respond to him. I have a theory that abused people are particularly empathetic and this is what abusers pick up on. Again, most of this is totally subconscious on both sides. Empathetic people genuinely keep believing in the good in people and keep supporting them to their own detriment. Please look after yourself. It is not selfish to set boundaries and put yourself first. It is healthy. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

Therapy has really helped me, and thank you all for your thoughts and kind words. I'm trying to stay strong, and process everything. I don't really love him anymore, I feel he rather I be sad and still submit to him than be happy and away from him. Its sad to lose that hope, hope of a family. His gramma keeps trying to scare me, calling my parents, telling them I'll have nothing if I leave him, I'll never have a house again. But I can't live this way, hiding the pain, forgetting it happened, forgetting how he behaves and how he makes me feel. I don't look at him the same. I don't feel bad now when he acts sad cuz I won't let him in the bed. Go away. I want to be with my girls, I want to be a good mommy, a strong woman, and independent. I'm making plans, but it's scary. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

His grandma calling your parents shows clearly that she herself is a wack job (for lack of a better word). That crosses alk sorts of boundaries and is entirely inappropriate. She has no right to be doing that. She reveals herself as abusive, herself, imo.

Her scare tactics also lend support to the probability she is abusive, too. 

It's hard but you will learn to turn these things around in your head...   

Can you tell your parents to NOT talk to her, don't answer and/or hang up if she calls?? It's nutso that she's doing that, and nobody has to listen to her. It's wrong.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Wildflowers

My mom is kind I intimidated by her, his gramma kind of controls holidays and is really intense. I was late to easter and she told me she was crying and almost had a heart attach, like a real heart attack. I'm pretty sure she got a narcissistic personality disorder. My dad, I don't talk to him anyway because of his abusive behavior. He's a sad man too. I love him, but the relationship was toxic, she can talk to him all she wants. They can sit there and talk about how crazy and unappreciative I am. 

  I'll get through this one day at a time, just focus on my girls and my work, and myself lol almost always forget that last one. Counseling has been a big help to keep me strong, but sometimes my confidence faulters.

Thanks again all of you.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

His gramma has no right to be speaking to any of them or to you. NONE. She does sound like she has a disorder. But she's manipulating and controlling people. That's all. She's a big bully. It's not "real." She's not going to have a heart attack from somebody telling her they can't talk to her. Her intensity is her own problem.

BOUNDARIES.   Boundaries....  Boundaries boundaries boundaries. The lines between what is one person's, and what is another. Your mother needs to have her own boundaries and to respect yours. If she talks to the gramma when you ask her not to, that is disrespecting your boundaries, too. It's not her place to listen to his gramma spout BS about you. That's all kinds of messed-up. It's wrong.

They're all kind of messed-up, it sounds like, unfortunately...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×