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6245

Dating men who keep distant is safe?

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6245

I have been dating steadily since my divorce from The AnyBadNameCanGoHere for two years.  One of these men I have developed feelings for.  Things have been moving VERY slowly with him though.  At first it didn't bother me but I found it starting to in the recent past as I have wanted to be his proper girlfriend.  I haven't asked him yet what his own feelings are, because I think it should come from him.  However, it got me thinking.  It took me quite a long time to develop these feelings--way more than most people.   He does keep a bit distant (which we have talked about) and I actually find that to be comfortable.  I just read that that is actually very normal for abuse survivors to date somewhat distant guys because they are afraid of getting too close.  I would say, on a deeper level, that this might be true for me.  I am afraid of it.  It is why I am comfortable dating men a long time but start to shy away.  One of the key reasons I have been comfortable with this particular man is because he hasn't come on too strong or fast.  Has anyone else had these feelings of being afraid?  How did you work through them?  I KNOW intellectually I want a healthy relationship and marriage/children.  But I don't know how to work through the fears that seem to turn me into avoiding it.

 

 

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Fluffyflea

I have those feelings, I just stay away from men. Especially now that I'm so vulnerable with grief from the death of my son. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of.

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6245

Thanks fluffyflea.  I am sorry you are having that experience.

 

I don't want to stay away from men though.  I truly desire an authentic relationship.  But right now I don't know how to get there.  If anyone has any suggestions they would be welcome.

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Quaddie

Sounds like something that really needs working on in counseling to get at it. If you have a counselor and they're not able to help you or you've plateaued with them,  maybe think about changing to a different one. 

To me, it sounds like although you feel you want an authentic relationship, you're just plain not ready for one. That'd be the overarching thing I see going on.

On the other hand, it's possible that maybe none of these guys has been the right one. Because if you want a relationship and the guy prefers to remain distant, if a person really wants to be in a relationship, they get into the relationship. Sounds like he doesn't, and you say you're okay with that, which to me sounds like you actually don't want to be in a relationship. Which is okay, that'd be your insides telling you that you're not really ready for it, even if you want it.

 

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Kanga

Feel the fear and do it anyway. 

Get on with life and love. Give love. 

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6245
1 hour ago, Quaddie said:

Sounds like something that really needs working on in counseling to get at it. If you have a counselor and they're not able to help you or you've plateaued with them,  maybe think about changing to a different one. 

To me, it sounds like although you feel you want an authentic relationship, you're just plain not ready for one. That'd be the overarching thing I see going on.

On the other hand, it's possible that maybe none of these guys has been the right one. Because if you want a relationship and the guy prefers to remain distant, if a person really wants to be in a relationship, they get into the relationship. Sounds like he doesn't, and you say you're okay with that, which to me sounds like you actually don't want to be in a relationship. Which is okay, that'd be your insides telling you that you're not really ready for it, even if you want it.

 

Thanks Quaddie.

She has helped.  She said she wondered if I wasn't being commitment phobic myself.  That is what got me thinking that maybe she is right.  But I really, really don't want to be that way.

But I WANT to move past it.  I like the one guy because he is moving slow.  I wouldn't say he doesn't want a relationship.  He does, I'm not sure how I fit into his life though.  That's a different issue than not wanting one at all.

I have noticed that I am keeping a different guy at arm's length and I don't like that I am doing that.  I can't figure out why.  I think it is because I am scared. 

On a positive note I am getting better at trusting my judgement.   Guy #2 is showing some insensitivity and a WAY off sense of humor the longer we date so I think I am going to tell him I'm not feeling it.  It has been a pattern. 

 

 

 

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Quaddie
16 minutes ago, 6245 said:

Thanks Quaddie.

She has helped.  She said she wondered if I wasn't being commitment phobic myself.  That is what got me thinking that maybe she is right.  But I really, really don't want to be that way.

But I WANT to move past it.  I like the one guy because he is moving slow.  I wouldn't say he doesn't want a relationship.  He does, I'm not sure how I fit into his life though.  That's a different issue than not wanting one at all.

I have noticed that I am keeping a different guy at arm's length and I don't like that I am doing that.  I can't figure out why.  I think it is because I am scared. 

On a positive note I am getting better at trusting my judgement.   Guy #2 is showing some insensitivity and a WAY off sense of humor the longer we date so I think I am going to tell him I'm not feeling it.  It has been a pattern. 

 

 

 

She should be helping you past it if you want to move past it - not just labeling it as a given. If you feel you want to work on it, tell her that you want to work on it.

However, this:

Quote

I like the one guy because he is moving slow.  I wouldn't say he doesn't want a relationship. 

He does, I'm not sure how I fit into his life though.  That's a different issue than not wanting one at all.

So, is it because he moves slow that you like him? Because... hopefully there are other reasons you like him. However, the part I bolded seems like a big red flag in terms of your readiness for a relationship.   You think he wants a relationship - but that you're not sure how you fit into his life. But - what about him fitting into your life? How is it about whether or not, or how, you fit into his life? That's like he's in the driver's seat somehow, deciding whether or not he has time for you or whether he even wants you around. To me, that type of difficulty is degrading - that's how I'd feel in a situation like that. 

People who want to be in a relationship with each other usually don't need to figure things like this out. It's obvious if someone wants to be with you. Wanting a relationship but stringing you along because he isn't sure (or you're not sure) how to fit the puzzle pieces together sounds like something unhealthy and belittling, to me. 

I think I've recommended before the movie "He's Just Not That Into You," but it really is good advice for things like this, in my opinion. If someone wants to be with you, they will. This is very basic-level "do you even want to be together" angst that if both of you truly wanted to 1. be in a relationship at all, and 2. wanted a relationship with each other - wouldn't even exist. 

Or maybe he does, and you do, but it's just not the right one, and it's time to give it up. Who knows.

But really digging into it deeply is likely something for your counselor to help you with, I think...  

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Kanga

Talk to him about it, not the counsellor. 

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Bennu

I think that a lot of people have trouble committing to a relationship. It's a good thing. We should be sure that we are going to work out before committing too fully or it makes it too difficult to get out. That's part of how I ended up with my ex. I was too committed and worked hard to try to fix it instead of cutting my losses. Exactly where you want to do that is going to be different for each situation and each individual. I think that it is just part of the dating process and good to discuss as a couple.

I'm about to do that myself. He keeps doing things that hurt my feelings. Instead of caring to try not to, he pushes me to accept him as he is. There is something to accepting people as they are, but also trying not to hurt the feelings of the other person. Maybe my balance of that is off and maybe it isn't, but it doesn't do me any good to be in a relationship that does me more harm than good. It was still good to have it as it will make the next one so much easier. I had a lot of personal growth during this one. I think that is part of the process of life. 

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AZ-home

I totally fear commitment! And I'm enjoying my new found freedom and look at serious dating relationships as being put in someone's cage. I'm not saying that's a healthy way to be, but it's just where I am right now. I have stopped online dating and am trying to meet someone "in the wild" because I feel so ambivalent about it. I don't want to draw someone in and then just turn around and cut them loose because....I fear the commitment and the loss of my freedom.

I dated a REALLY nice guy. I've written about him before. He was kind, patient, non-smothering and thought the world of me. But i wasn't physically attracted to him. I tried and tried to "like" him but I just couldn't get there. He started saying "I love you" and I freaked out! I did not think I was putting out the "I love you vibes." Sirens went off in my head. I feel like I reeled him in just to break his heart. I was trying to make it work because, on paper, he's the kind of guy I want. I don't like that feeling of hurting someone else. I tried to keep his friendship but he is struggling to figure out how that works. I thought we could hang out and do our hobbies together. That's what I see. But maybe that is leading him on and giving him false hope. 

Then there was a hot, hot, hot guy who was interested in me for one day. I really didn't get to know him very well. The physical attraction was definitely there, on both sides. He had a type of job where he is gone a lot. Everyone said "you don't want a guy like that." I said yes I do because he couldn't smother me and take away my freedom! We could just enjoy each other's company occasionally and maybe chat online some. As unhealthy as that may sound, that's what I want right now. I'm not a fool-around type of girl, a player, so I doubt I find a quality guy that feels the same way. He was a terrible communicator and broke off communication pretty quickly and it was over. I still say, he's the TYPE of guy I want: I'm attracted to him and interested and he's mildly interested in me but not too much. Had he been more into me I think I would not have issues. I think I would have gone all in. Our one day was so good! My brief experience with him makes me think that I'm NOT too wounded and too broken to jump into a relationship. I CAN click with someone. I just need someone to mutually click with me! And then not smother me.

I met an old male friend "in the wild" and we are figuring things out. I fear... [something] and have been communicating poorly with him. I admit I'm doing that. I can't quite put my finger on what the issue is. He's into me and lives far enough away that I would have my freedom and see him occasionally.  I'm mildly attracted to him. Not as much as "hot guy" but more than "nice guy." 

Things that make you go hmmmmmm.

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Kanga
4 hours ago, AZ-home said:

I totally fear commitment! And I'm enjoying my new found freedom and look at serious dating relationships as being put in someone's cage. I'm not saying that's a healthy way to be, but it's just where I am right now. I have stopped online dating and am trying to meet someone "in the wild" because I feel so ambivalent about it. I don't want to draw someone in and then just turn around and cut them loose because....I fear the commitment and the loss of my freedom.

I dated a REALLY nice guy. I've written about him before. He was kind, patient, non-smothering and thought the world of me. But i wasn't physically attracted to him. I tried and tried to "like" him but I just couldn't get there. He started saying "I love you" and I freaked out! I did not think I was putting out the "I love you vibes." Sirens went off in my head. I feel like I reeled him in just to break his heart. I was trying to make it work because, on paper, he's the kind of guy I want. I don't like that feeling of hurting someone else. I tried to keep his friendship but he is struggling to figure out how that works. I thought we could hang out and do our hobbies together. That's what I see. But maybe that is leading him on and giving him false hope. 

Then there was a hot, hot, hot guy who was interested in me for one day. I really didn't get to know him very well. The physical attraction was definitely there, on both sides. He had a type of job where he is gone a lot. Everyone said "you don't want a guy like that." I said yes I do because he couldn't smother me and take away my freedom! We could just enjoy each other's company occasionally and maybe chat online some. As unhealthy as that may sound, that's what I want right now. I'm not a fool-around type of girl, a player, so I doubt I find a quality guy that feels the same way. He was a terrible communicator and broke off communication pretty quickly and it was over. I still say, he's the TYPE of guy I want: I'm attracted to him and interested and he's mildly interested in me but not too much. Had he been more into me I think I would not have issues. I think I would have gone all in. Our one day was so good! My brief experience with him makes me think that I'm NOT too wounded and too broken to jump into a relationship. I CAN click with someone. I just need someone to mutually click with me! And then not smother me.

I met an old male friend "in the wild" and we are figuring things out. I fear... [something] and have been communicating poorly with him. I admit I'm doing that. I can't quite put my finger on what the issue is. He's into me and lives far enough away that I would have my freedom and see him occasionally.  I'm mildly attracted to him. Not as much as "hot guy" but more than "nice guy." 

Things that make you go hmmmmmm.

It sounds like you shouldn't be dating at all.  Feeling caged sounds like you are unable to freely express yourself and feel accepted and get your needs known by the other person. Maybe you're holding those things back and blaming the guy. Perhaps you don't believe anyone will give you that space. 

 

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AZ-home

Yeah I think you're right. I have little desire to date and I guess I'm not ready yet. I'm quite happy on my own. Maybe a tad too happy. I'm not ready to share it yet. 

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6245
1 hour ago, AZ-home said:

Yeah I think you're right. I have little desire to date and I guess I'm not ready yet. I'm quite happy on my own. Maybe a tad too happy. I'm not ready to share it yet. 

You can move at your own pace.  I know when I first left I remember saying to my mom that I never wanted to go on a date again.  I am still dealing with some wierd feelings around the whole thing, as I have posted, but I am not at that place anymore, either.

 

Thanks for the advice on this thread.  Quaddie, I like that he is moving slow, yes.  I would like more from him and to be in a relationship with him.  I have only recently reached the certainty about that although I have had feelings for awhile.  I have evaluated how he fits into my life in a logical fashion and I am starting to develop feelings for him.  For awhile I wasn't sure about him either.  However, having dated some and getting to know him, he is the one that stands out.  He has seemed a bit more certain about me as well lately but I will not push someone into a relationship.  Because it is long distance it has taken time to develop.  Perhaps that is one reason I am okay with it.  He recently (this week actually)  has been a bit more expressive of his feelings and I think he is leaning the same way as me, but again, I'm not going to push him.

As far as guy #2,  I think I am going to definitely cut guy #2 loose (sense of humor just a bit too off for me and my counselor said he was starting to show signs of insensitivity, which I think is true and I DEFINITELY don't need in my life).  He is also insecure and has admitted that he has 'locked it down' too soon in the past simply to assuage his insecurity.  That can become controlling and he has shown signs that while he may not be controlling on purpose, he may be eventually due to his insecurity.  I don't need that either.

Guy #3 is still in the running, but if guy #1 was to be consistently more expressive, then he would have the edge which means it is not fair to guy #3 to keep seeing him.  I have not been quite sure how to handle this situation honestly, I have not ever had that many men interested in me at once, and also with my past experiences creeping in, it's been an adventure but I do want to narrow it down because it is not fair to anyone.  I am still dealing with feelings from the past too of course.  I have tried to be open with the men about that.

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Quaddie
3 hours ago, AZ-home said:

Yeah I think you're right. I have little desire to date and I guess I'm not ready yet. I'm quite happy on my own. Maybe a tad too happy. I'm not ready to share it yet. 

There's no "too happy." If that's what you like, there's nothing wrong with that. Even if you're never "ready" ever again. Everyone is different in what makes them happy in life. Some people don't like being in committed relationships, and that's just another version of normal. It's not "unhealthy" or "wrong."  It's just how you feel, so go ahead and honor it - that's what's healthy. Not striving toward what some other people think you should have. 

 

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Quaddie
3 hours ago, 6245 said:

Thanks for the advice on this thread.  Quaddie, I like that he is moving slow, yes.  I would like more from him and to be in a relationship with him.  I have only recently reached the certainty about that although I have had feelings for awhile.  I have evaluated how he fits into my life in a logical fashion and I am starting to develop feelings for him.  For awhile I wasn't sure about him either.  However, having dated some and getting to know him, he is the one that stands out.  He has seemed a bit more certain about me as well lately but I will not push someone into a relationship.  Because it is long distance it has taken time to develop.  Perhaps that is one reason I am okay with it.  He recently (this week actually)  has been a bit more expressive of his feelings and I think he is leaning the same way as me, but again, I'm not going to push him.

As far as guy #2,  I think I am going to definitely cut guy #2 loose (sense of humor just a bit too off for me and my counselor said he was starting to show signs of insensitivity, which I think is true and I DEFINITELY don't need in my life).  He is also insecure and has admitted that he has 'locked it down' too soon in the past simply to assuage his insecurity.  That can become controlling and he has shown signs that while he may not be controlling on purpose, he may be eventually due to his insecurity.  I don't need that either.

Guy #3 is still in the running, but if guy #1 was to be consistently more expressive, then he would have the edge which means it is not fair to guy #3 to keep seeing him.  I have not been quite sure how to handle this situation honestly, I have not ever had that many men interested in me at once, and also with my past experiences creeping in, it's been an adventure but I do want to narrow it down because it is not fair to anyone.  I am still dealing with feelings from the past too of course.  I have tried to be open with the men about that.

 

Here's something that stands out to me, though. The big picture. It's almost like, this group is who you feel you have to choose from. What stands out to me about what you say, how slowguy stands out from the rest, is that this is just a very miniscule sampling of the males who are possible to have a relationship with, ever. 

And also, the fact that it feels like he stands out from the rest, also points to that it's like comparing him to the other current possibilities. When really, you don't know what possibilities there are in the future, or might exist simultaneously without being aware of them.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get past his being somewhat sure about maybe liking or wanting to be in a relationship with you? You've known him (long distance) a long enough time. Frankly, I've had relationships that started as LDRs too, and this kind of unsureness and hemming and hawing on his part is a gigantic red flag to me. 

Another thing that's a big, huge red flag to me is that you notice he has recently being a bit more expressive of his feelings - having to notice that, itself, is a red flag, I feel like. It's hard for me to explain, but if someone really feels good about you, it's not supposed to be such a struggle. It's not supposed to be trying to wait for them to be ready to even give you a hint that they might have some sort of place for you in their life.

Your being placed in the position of having to guess / feel like he might be starting to lean in the same way as you... that's just a red flag to me on a few levels. Let me see if my precaffeinated brain can remember the angles and parse them out:

1. He's put you in a position of being like a schoolgirl waiting to see if the boy likes you. That itself feels like a control thing. Keeping you strung along, waiting and hoping. 

2. It's inconsiderate and degrading for him to do that. I know there might seem like logical stuff going on, but the big picture is, that's not really how people interacting as long as you have, who might be in a relationship are. 

3. This "slowness" and "unsureness" of his truly reminds me of something I can't really put into words. 

I know you feel comfortable with it but also, sometimes what feels comfortable to people who have been in abusive relationships is an abusive dynamic.

You are being understanding, patient, waiting, you don't want to "push" him. There's a certain type of abuser (it wouldn't show right away) who feeds off this. It's very insidious, and covert. You are being long-suffering - and it doesn't matter if it feels okay with you that he's this way. What he is doing, I think to anyone else wouldn't be okay. This is why I keep bristling at this. It becomes - even though you are okay with it, could it be that your barometer is off? I just feel disgusted on your behalf by someone who would maybe sorta kinda want to be in a relationship who might kinda sorta have feelings for you (if you don't push him to express them)... while you wait with bated breath for him to start to try to express his feelings a little bit more.

This was the covert passive abusive type my ex-h was (who I called echthros). Oh, he would make you want to try to help him. I was so understanding. I was patient. I wanted to be kind and boost his own inner self so that he would feel comfortable expressing himself, so that he would feel better enough about himself to (fill in the blank). I can't explain the whole situation now, but it was insidious. And awful.  And even in all the textbook descriptions of abuse, that particular relationship still defied definition of abuse, it was so very, very covert. And this type, he was very good at even getting the counselor on his side (when we eventually went to couple's) and everyone would feel sorry for him, he was the slow soft quiet guy with the "hidden heart" (gag, it wasn't there, actually, everything he did like that was fake) and I was the monster.

Not that I'm saying it's exactly the same, but it's super-red-flaggy to me. The whole scenario. One could say that, someone who valued themselves enough would not be okay with the way he is being. It seems like it's "just being honest" and that you are comfortable and okay with "giving him his space."  So to look at this objectively, one has to remove how you feel about his behavior, out of the equation for the sake of looking at it that way.

Because in the meantime, what is actually going on, in my opinion - from the outside perspective - is that he is being controlling. He is stringing you along. No matter what his words are, or his maybe-I-like-you morsels of possibly starting to maybe express his feelings... that make you have to read into it and interpret that he might, maybe, like you as much as you are starting to like him...   This is not okay. It's not, imo, how a healthy relationship organically arises.

Caring and feelings aren't a mathematic equation.  And again, like I said, I've done the LDR thing (twice, actually), and so like I know how it feels, you should know by now whether you're in a relationship or not, and it seems like, from what I can see, you don't know - he's keeping you guessing, and you're okay with it because you're not sure how you feel. But if it were right, imo it'd be a heckuva lot more organic. It would naturally flow. It wouldn't be this game, this tug-of-war. This "he's not sure how you'd fit into his life" and waiting on his words to express his feelings and see if maybe he might be leaning toward maybe having a relationship with you - those are so red flaggy to me. If anyone was like that to me, I'd feel demeaned and degraded. 

I understand that's just my opinion, but even though you are okay with the slowness of it - there's something going on that's not just "taking it slow," it's more than that. it doesn't seem right. It's too much difficulty and evaluation and thinking and wondering and making allowances.  I really feel like I'd want to say, "Sh|t or get off the pot, already" to him. 

Another thing is, you don't have to express feelings to be in a relationship. People are usually in relationships long before they say the three magic words. I wonder if maybe it seems like the cart has to come before the horse, here. If you like being together and spending time together, then that comes first. Being in a relationship doesn't necessitate stating feelings of love or caring. It's just about enjoying being with the other person. And maybe that's part of why all this hemming and hawing of his super-grates on me. You don't have to decide that you want to be in a committed relationship in order to be in a relationship. You don't have to say "I love you" and you don't have to express feelings. I've been in relationships that were great and lasted for a bit, then ended before expressing feelings.

It just feels like the whole situation is just so wonky. I can't understand what the big decision he has to make, or what is so inconvenient about you that he can't decide whether or not - or how - to fit you into his life. (And again, as I write that, I feel righteous anger on your behalf - because that is what he's saying. Remember, we take the fact that you feel you don't mind, out of the picture, in order to weigh how respectful he is actually being. It may seem like he's just being logical and rational about it - but truly, if he's not sure he can fit you into is life, or how to do that, or whether at this point he wants to have a relationship - to me, that says it all right there. That's kind of insulting in my opinion. It's like weighing whether you want to get a pet. Not how you feel about another person. So that's probably another aspect to this, that I meant to parse out above.)

So you don't have to choose between Door Number 1, Door Number 2 and Door Number 3. This isn't a game show, and there will be other options. Maybe you're not ready. There's no need to choose right now. This isn't all you get. 

So I think it's really important to sometimes take your sense of comfort and understanding about his waffling out of the picture, in order to look at it objectively. I think most people who are considering entering into a relationship with a person who was giving off the signals that he does, wouldn't be okay with how it makes them feel. Are you able to tap into the emotions of how it makes you feel that he is doing this, on a deeper level than logically giving him his space? Because to be honest, when I was with echthros, I couldn't tap into my emotions about any of it, at all.  And that was my undoing. I was "okay" with so, so much that no one else would have been okay with. And it wasn't until I was so "stuck" that I couldn't really undo it, that I realized what was actually going on. My being "okay" with it was my own missing self-esteem and barometer. I thought it was my caring heart, but it wasn't.

So it's okay to not be okay with stuff like this. It's healthy, even. Just because you feel comfortable with waiting (and maybe that's your own subconscious reservations about this guy speaking??) - doesn't mean that he is being respectful or treating you with dignity or consideration or even being caring. It might seem like it, and he might have all sorts of logic and reasons, but objectively speaking, when I just look at the facts, it doesn't add up well. :(

Of course, I know you were seeing these other guys too and weren't just dating him. But to be honest, really it's supposed to feel a lot more organic, if you enjoy being with someone, if you feel good with them, if they make you feel good about yourself. If none of these guys are right, then there will be other options. There's no need to choose between these three. 

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Kanga
On 4 January 2018 at 11:21 PM, AZ-home said:

Yeah I think you're right. I have little desire to date and I guess I'm not ready yet. I'm quite happy on my own. Maybe a tad too happy. I'm not ready to share it yet. 

Or you could try again with hot guy. Sort out the communication. 

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Quaddie

I was thinking about this a little more, realizing that what I call a "relationship" might be more broadly defined than what some people might call it. 

What is it now? Friendship? Acquaintance? Talk-buddy? Whatever it is, it's some form of relationship already. 

I guess I'm in a generation between - or maybe it never happened in my world, where couples once agreed to "go steady" - and then in this current world where people feel they draw a line after which they need to change their Facebook status. 

So I just feel like things should happen organically... and if they don't, then - in my opinion - that means something.

To me, if something has this many challenges before it's even technically a couple-relationship, then it doesn't bode well. In my opinion, it should flow easily and naturally. If it doesn't, then something is really wrong and it's just not meant to be. I think people take that "relationships take work" thing way too far. If it doesn't feel right - for either person - then it's probably not.

I feel like this guy might be a withholder, fwiw. That's a term I couldn't think of before.  

There's just something that seems really "off" about it. Even if you like him, do you really like the way he's treating you? Because that's just as important. 

You can ask him to clarify the relationship, there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't have to come from him unasked. If you want to know, you have the right to ask. That's just being assertive. If he hems and haws, then you have your answer. If he says maybe but he's not sure how he'll fit you into his life, then you have your answer. How he reacts will give you your answer more than his words.

 

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Bennu

How do you tell a withholder from a guy with commitment issues from his own baggage from previous relationships?

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AZ-home
13 hours ago, Kanga said:

Or you could try again with hot guy. Sort out the communication. 

I wish. He shut the door tight. He’ll post a pic on social media, I’ll make a simple generic comment and he won’t respond or even like my comment. He posted a very pretty landscape recently and I asked (in comments)  where it was. 

Crickets. 

I’m embarrassing myself at this point.

I tell myself he’s toxic to try to put him behind me. I really don’t know him well enough to say for sure, but, for sure he’s not into me. 

Movin on. 

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Quaddie
1 hour ago, Bennu said:

How do you tell a withholder from a guy with commitment issues from his own baggage from previous relationships?

Not sure - there might even be overlap. But it may not really matter - what's more important is how you would feel about it, and how it impacts you.

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Bennu
12 hours ago, Quaddie said:

Not sure - there might even be overlap. But it may not really matter - what's more important is how you would feel about it, and how it impacts you.

I'm not sure about that. I think that I need to heal from my baggage rather than apply unfair standards to possible future partners.

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Kanga

The trick would be knowing if you are being unfair. 

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Bennu
1 hour ago, Kanga said:

The trick would be knowing if you are being unfair. 

You said it.

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