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Over and Out

The X is being a Christmas jerk again.

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Over and Out

Last year X turned up on Christmas Eve at my place to be nasty to me and the kids, while ensuring the kids knew he wasn't getting them Christmas presents because they "weren't putting enough effort into contacting him."

This year he is trying to provoke dramas again.  He had been decentish for a while, but that couldn't last.

On Christmas Eve this year, he sent me a short message telling me to go to his place to talk. It was literally a rather insulting five word order telling me to go and talk, no details, no phrasing as a request or "please" or anything.  I stay low contact, so that was never going to result in me going to our former home.  I rather suspect he intended it to be insulting and to create a trigger for a fight/reason for him to be a grinch.

I messaged back asking if he actually meant to send the message to me (it came out of the blue after no real contact for a few weeks and so could have been meant for someone else).  In the same message, I invited him to text or email me about the kids or joint property, but pointing out I wasn't sure what else we would discuss.  He didn't answer my message and ignored D18, D15 and me on Christmas.  

He did contact our oldest child, S22.  X told s22 that X wasn't getting any of the kids presents because I was taking so much of his money for child support.  (X is currently almost $800 in arrears and making no effort to pay off arrears, while grudgingly meeting the rather low legally required amount he is forced to pay.) He failed to mention that he still pays for his luxury car, recently bought an expensive luxury watch and drinks the value of a decent gift each week.  He wouldn't even get the kids a box of chocolates or cheap gift voucher, to show he was thinking of them. I know it hurts D15, because she refused to let me buy a gift for her to give X, saying sadly that he wouldn't bother to get her anything. (I offer only to help support the kid if she wants to maintain a good relationship with her father, not because I want or expect that I or the kids should get him anything.)

Today, as we had previously arranged, he picked up D15 to go to X's brother's annual Boxing Day party.  He made it apparent that he is not speaking to me, one of his silnt treatment abusive tactics familiar from our marriage.  Instead of coming to the door as usual, he just stopped his car in front of the house and waited for D15 to notice him. 

Later he texted pictures of D15 with his niece's baby, apparently at D15's request (according to comments she made when she got home).

However, he went back to his silent treatment and ignored queries I sent asking if he would give D15 dinner or if I should expect to feed her, and when she would return home.  Instead, as I took D18 to get pizza at close to 8pm, X went to my house with no warning.  We weren't there for that 10 minutes due to our pizza run.  D15 didn't have a key.  Fortunately X stayed with her, but by simply letting me know they were on the way, the problem could have been avoided.

When we got home, D15 got out of the car and X drove off without a word.

It turned out that he hadn't given D15 dinner, even though it was 8pm. I'm guessing that decision was intended to get back at me for asking when she would be home and if he was going to get her dinner.

Every time he behaves in this sulky, ridiculous way, I am very glad I left him.  However, I am mad and sad that he hurts the kids to get back at me.  They deserve better. Fortunately, they are old enough to see through him.

I know abusers gonna abuse, and this is quite mild by many standards, but aaaarrrrgh, he is such a jerk.

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Fluffyflea

They are always Jerks. Can't expect anything else.

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Bennu

aaaarrrrgh is right! Soon the kids will be old enough that you won't have to go through this anymore.

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percolate

I know it hurts your feelings that he buys himself toys and luxury goods rather than giving the kids even a nominal Xmas gift.  But kids, particularly older kids see and understand a lot and will realize it's not his child support payments that make it impossible for him to give them a gift. They'll see the car, watch, etc. 

In a few more years, when your youngest turns 18, you won't have to deal with his manipulative behavior at the holidays.  It will be up to them if they bother to see their father and there won't be any reason to contact you.  He'll probably continue to be a jerk, but you won't have to deal with the aftereffects of his behavior e.g., failure to feed your kids. 

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