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Mnd888

Does it ever work out

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Mnd888

My ex and I have been split for 2 months. We have 4 kids between us, my SD, his SS and 2 together. Our relationship was verbally abusive, and sometimes physically. Not that he all out punched me or anything, but he did choke me, and push me round to the point I ended up with a few cut lips, scratches and bruises. And a broken toe. The last time he pushed me to the ground while I was pregnant with our youngest. He is pretty insensitive and never really said anything nice to me except occasionally that he found me 'sexy', made me feel pretty worthless. He even cheated on me. He's pretty irresponsible with the kids, doesn't really think much of their safety sometimes. Like driving a car at 160kmph, or not worrying about seat belt on the go kart. Go kart was governed down but still my 6 yr old had his teeth smashed in which wouldn't have happened if he'd listened to me n put a seat belt.  He just made me feel like a helicopter mum always worried about what would go wrong. Since I left him he broke down, tried to kill himself, he's now getting treatment for anxiety  that turned him into this rage monster that would get violent. He's still drinking a bit though he's not actually having anything to do with the kids or me at this stage as mediation for his access hasn't started. He says he didn't realize how bad he had become, takes full responsibility for his actions and doesn't hold anything against me for leaving that I have done the right thing even says he wished he'd tried topping himself earlier because he mightve   realized how bad he was then. He says he wants to show me he can be a better man, though we both agree we want to live separately for a while, work on ourselves, but do you guys think it's possible that we could one day have a decent relationship? And what would it take? Can I ever let go of the fear and resentment, can he really change? There's a lot about him I do love and feel like I should give him a chance to prove it now he knows I'm serious about leaving if he doesn't. On the other hand I feel like I don't want to waste my time and should find someone who will make me feel loved and cared about. Someone I can love and care about without worrying I'm being used. I'm not one to be heartless but sometimes i feel like I should take my babies and run without ever being seen again, start a new life. I don't want my babies to miss out on a happy family either, and what if we could have a really good life together?

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Quaddie

In a word - no. What he is doing is what we call a "hoover" - trying to suck you back in. It's not any indication of possible change. 

This is an extremely dangerous man and it would not be advisable to get back with him. A lot of times, when victims do go back, the abuser makes it even harder for them to leave.

Abusers know they abuse but they don't care. He's "changing his tune" because he needs his victim. He wouldn't stop abusing. He is a very violent and dangerous abuser.

And btw - I hated to see you minimizing the very violent and dangerous abuse by saying it wasn't that he all out punched you. He has every indication of being an extremely dangerous person.

I'm sorry but in my opinion (and statistically speaking), this will never be a happy family, and will be extremely dangerous to go back to. He harmed your 6 year old. Driving the car recklessly and fast like that is not only violently dangerous for whoever is in the car, but also for anyone else on the road in the vicinity. And statistically speaking, an abuser who chokes his victim is more likely to take lethal action against them.

You should never let go of the fear and resentment. It's healthy and it's there for a reason! This is not a person who should be trusted or given another chance. He is extremely violent. And he is dangerous to all  of you. 

 

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whitebutterfly11

Yes, I also agree that this man is dangerous.

Physical abuse, in my opinion, is a dealbreaker in a relationship. It's one of those factors that, if it ever happens, you can safely and assuredly draw your line in the sand and say: "No, I will never put my life, or the life of my children in danger again by living with you." Physical abusers never stop feeling like a threat to your safety. The same goes with any kind of abuse, but especially physical and sexual abuse. He put your life at risk. Who is to say he wouldn't have choked you until you stopped breathing? Bruised you unconscious? I hate to even write that out, but it cannot be assumed he wouldn't take physical abuse a step further. Many individuals have died by staying with abusers they assumed would never hurt them that bad. 

Quaddie said it. Your children are not better off with this man. They will not benefit in any way while living with a physical abuser who makes them feel threatened. They will experience secondary abuse watching him abuse you. And as they get older, they will be the recipient of the abuse.

A person does not love when they have to hurt someone to feel. Love is not abuse. Love is not using you as an object. This man does not love you, he loves what you give him. Which makes him a very dangerous, entitled person.

I would strongly advise not to let him back into your life. Protect yourself and your children and invest hope in finding a new relationship one day--one in which you are loved and respected for who you are, and in which you feel safe.  

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percolate

No, you do not have a chance of every being a happy family.  Your h is dangerous-he tried to choke you.  He could have caused killed you.  He's also reckless and doesn't care about your safety or the safety of your children. 

You are not being heartless if you take your babies and run. You're being smart.  Two months of treatment for anxiety will not change his abusive behavior.  His abusive behavior is not due to anxiety but to a mindset of entitlement.  

Yes, he's got good qualities-if he didn't you wouldn't have fallen in love with him or been willing to stay after he abused you (verbally and physically).  But those good qualities aren't enough to put up with a lifetime of abuse for you and your children.  Children do better with one healthy parent than they do when they're living with both parents and one is an abuser. 

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Willow

This persons behaviour is ingrained in him. It’s the very core of who he is. He enjoys making you feel worthless, he enjoys the physical violence. He also controls you by being irresponsible with the children. He loves feeling powerful over you. By leaving you have taken power back and this is unacceptable to him. He will morph into whatever he needs to be so he can regain control over you. If you were to return he will feel even more powerful than you. It will all go to a higher level and the disrespect for you and the kids will reach a new level. He is very dangerous, I believe your “gut instinct” is telling you to run, listen to it. When we let a man degrade us in any way be it violence, cheating, distrespect etc and continue to give them chances to change we are telling our children that it’s okay to be treated this way. Be a strong powerful message to your children that they should never allow anyone to treat them like this. 

The qualities you love are called charm, they are fake. He turns them in and off as a way of keeping you and also it’s plain old manipulation. 

He isn’t worth ruining your kids lives over. Go and be happy - it’s the best thing a Mum can do for their kids. 

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Mnd888

:(:( I'm going to be starting trauma counselling soon. I know I've done the right thing leaving, he was getting so much worse this past year. I just wish so much he was different. Deep down I know he can't be. I'm scared about him having access and having influence over my babies. I fear their memories will fade and they'll think I didn't try hard enough or worse that my boys will do the same things or that his daughters will end up with someone like him. I know my oldest boy won't, my ex was his step dad and he hates him, even wants to be a police officer so he can arrest him. But his daughter (my step who is still currently with me) is very much like him as in lacking empathy, thinks evrrything should be done for her, lies and she thinks highly of him. I definately don't want to tell her he's bad but for years I've been trying to instill good values in all the kids why they're watching him do the opposite., I've just told her that everyone gets angry and we have to learn how to deal with that anger and that hurting other people is not the right way and that we have to stay away for a little while while dad gets his anger under control. Other than saying that to explain why we left I have tried to keep things really positive not mentioning the bad stuff or run him down. Her behaviour (all of their behaviour) has been better since leaving. I'm worried what it will mean for her if she's goes back, and if she goes back what sort of access would be granted to my other kids. Please don't get me wrong I'm not one to keep him away from my kids but my son the only one who won't be part of mediation has suffered pretty severe injuries because my ex would not take safety concerns seriously. And our son who is his favourite child (he's quite open about him being the favourite) I worry that he will take him and run. I'll be going for supervised but as said above I have no doubt he'll use his charm and they'll view him as a caring father and eventually give him unsupervised. It would be so much easier if he could change and be the man he should be for his kids. Thank you for telling me it would be worse if I go back. I believe it could be too, he already refused to work because he feared I'd run off... it would've given me a reason to stay if I could've said to myself at least he works hard for his family... now he'd probably be a thousand times worse. Sorry this is a jumbled mess, I have so much going on, so many confused thoughts. So many what ifs  of good and bad. I just feel sick right now. Again thank you,  I needed to hear it. Probably need to hear it a few more times before I'm done, but each time it makes me stronger.

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Quaddie

You can gather documentation including the medical reports of anything he's done to jeopardize and/or harm the children.

Even if you don't have external documentation, make a list. On "X" date, he _____ (drove recklessly with the children and me in the car at over 160 mph) which put our lives and others' lives at risk."

Don't explain "he felt ___ so he ___." Just state the facts concisely. Don't be afraid to call it what it is. It's not "being mean" to not-soften their behaviors. Don't soften them. Don't use soft words to describe them. Use the harsh, clear, real words. You want them to show loud and strong.

What you want is a good strong list of his clear actions that endangered any of you. You want to establish a pattern. Also include any documentation from medical visits pertaining to these.

And don't forget the incidents where he was physically violent toward you. Use the word "violence." Mention that you were afraid and feared for yourself and the children. 

The more of this you can put together, you will need for the visitation issue and/or if you ever need to try to get a protective order.

 

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Fluffyflea

No.

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Bennu
1 hour ago, Fluffyflea said:

No.

There needs to be a "like" button.

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Mnd888

Been having a bad few days. Part of me tells me I shouldn't have left. Mainly because now I don't have control over his influence on my babies. But really I didn't anyway. I sit here with his babies, thinking of everything he's missing out on. The proud parenting moments.  But then I remember what my kids are missing out on and thank god. I'm just so torn and feel evrrything is so out of control. I never had control though. I hate him for what he did. Why couldn't he just be decent. Why couldn't we just be happy. Why couldn't he control himself. Sorry just venting.

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Bennu

(((hugs))) 

We all go through that. No apologies. Stay strong. You can do this.

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Fluffyflea

Write everything down dates times keep a journal of everything he does. 

Youll need it for the police and court.

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JamesF
13 hours ago, Mnd888 said:

Been having a bad few days. Part of me tells me I shouldn't have left. Mainly because now I don't have control over his influence on my babies. But really I didn't anyway. I sit here with his babies, thinking of everything he's missing out on. The proud parenting moments.  But then I remember what my kids are missing out on and thank god. I'm just so torn and feel evrrything is so out of control. I never had control though. I hate him for what he did. Why couldn't he just be decent. Why couldn't we just be happy. Why couldn't he control himself. Sorry just venting.

No need to be sorry trust me I think we all have gone thru that stage. You'll have days where you second guess your decision and days where you are just sad. Nothing you do would help his actions(know that)and that's a harsh thing to deal with but aside from seeing him to exchange kids I would stay away. Each day will get a little easier. YouTube has tons of resources on this, two of my favorite channels are Angie Atkins and thrive after abuse. You might find it helpful to watch there videos. There are a ton of books about verbal abuse too if you like to read. 

I found it helped to dive into the why and I went full on detective and once I got answers I knew I made the right choice. 

This too shall pass, just take it one day or one hour at a time.

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Quaddie

A good book is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft

He can't "control himself" because this is just who he is.  If he suppressed it, it would still be there, and would seep out in other ways. It can't just lift out, go away. It's interwoven in who he is.

Also books on boundaries are good to help you find a stronger sense of separateness from the dynamic of the abuse. I also like "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel which is good for people who grew up with abuse and/or neglect.

 

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Willow
10 hours ago, Quaddie said:

A good book is "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft

He can't "control himself" because this is just who he is.  If he suppressed it, it would still be there, and would seep out in other ways. It can't just lift out, go away. It's interwoven in who he is.

Also books on boundaries are good to help you find a stronger sense of separateness from the dynamic of the abuse. I also like "Healing Your Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel which is good for people who grew up with abuse and/or neglect.

 

I’m going to buy this book! It’s exactly how I feel about my ex. I can’t be sad he is missing out on family experiences because he isn’t, he doesn’t have the human emotional feelings we do. I can’t wish him any other way - it’s who he is.

I tell my kids he loves them the only way he knows how to. It’s not good enough but he is who he is. They said it helped them realise they had done nothing wrong. 

 

 

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Mnd888

So told all to the mediation counselor today. Or at least what I could fit in to an hour and twenty minutes... still could've gone one about the risk he put the kids in. Far out, scared that this is all out in the open now. What will happen. I have to trust in the system even though I know it fails so many, hopefully it will work for me and my babies. I still have this sense of foreboding about it all. I'm feeling scared that if his daughter ends up with her mother he will have nothing to lose and come after me. I'm worried hell drag me into court and there won't be sufficient evidence of his behaviour, his family would lie for him. I know my mum is feeling the pressure of having me here too and I'm worried of being on my own. I've never lived alone and I'm going to have kids this time that are relying on me to be the best I can be. I hate the area I'm in, every where I go I'm surrounded by people I know are either his friends or family or just general trouble makers that I avoid at all costs. And even worse is there's so many people he knows that I don't. I would love to move back to the town I was in, the school has a very unique setup that is perfect for my son who has really severe speech difficulties, but he's there, I don't know anyone though I could meet people through mum's groups and it's a farming town with a much better socio group but it means my mum's more than 4 hours away. And again HEs there and now drinking heavily. I don't want to move to another new town, have my kids start another new school and it not work out though. What would others do? 

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Mnd888

Also than you for the comments and suggestions they are really helping, I'm going to check out youtube tonight when the kids are in bed and look up that book. It does make me really sad that he can't be the man that I want, but I am coming to terms with the fact he can't change... slowly but I am learning to accept it wit help.

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percolate

Your kids will see for themselves what he's like as they get older (or are teens).  They may idolize him now or forget how bad he was over the years when they're younger, but when they encounter his lack of respect for them as individuals when they are teens, they're likely to have nothing to do with him as soon as they can avoid visitation. 

My xh tried badmouthing me most of the time and by the time my son was in middle school, he was telling me that things his father said were inaccurate, and by high school didn't want anything to do with his father.  Without me ever saying a word about his father's faults, my son identified many of the same behaviors that caused me to divorce his father.  His complaints about his father's behavior was so close to the things that I'd told his father years before, that his father accused me of writing the letter to him (which ticked off my son because his father didn't give him any credit for being able to think for himself as an older teen).  My son has not see his father for at least 15 years and has had no contact with his father for at least 12 years.  In fact, his father has no idea where he lives or that his son has legally changed his name.  

Not all kids have no relationship with their fathers (my son was encouraged by his counselor to end the relationship when he was in high school), but many kids understand which parent has been there for them and which parent is abusive as they grow up.

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AZ-home

No.

if you go back he will be worse. After a brief honeymoon period eventually he will feel the need to punish you for leaving and the abuse will return but worse. Leaving again will be even harder the next time. 

Stay the course. It's like an addiction drawing you back. There are actually physical and chemical things at play when you break a trauma bond. That's what you feel. At this time follow your head and be wise. And follow those loved ones that are gently leading you out. Lean into them and trust that they aren't dealing with the withdrawal symptoms you are. They will help you. 

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JamesF

I know it's hard right now but believe me, once you get to a place that you know you're ok on your own you'll feel so much peace it will be worth the states and pain. Do not let him back in. 

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Mnd888

Not talking bout moving back in with him, just to the same town. I love that town, I picked it out to move to. Love the school, only went so far because my baby was so young and I knew the emotional stuff I'd be feeling would be full on to try to do it on my own. And I didn't know what he'd do if he found me in those first few weeks after. But the school there is amazing (uniquely run and made for kids like my son) the town full of good country people. But I'd be 4 hours from any support.

I don't think he'll hurt me, he comes near mu house or threatens me he goes to jail. And that's not how he can get access to the kids. He is more likely to love bomb me and try to get me to soften my stancr about supervised access.  It would make supervised access easier to organise though and no one would have to travel.

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noroses4u2c

He is a very violent person.  In his mind he is likely angry that you left and will 'teach you a lesson' once he gets you back if you go back.  That's the way they are.  

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Curly

You will never be safe with him. Choking is a strong indicator for murder. I am sorry but it really is that serious. He has already been very violent and that will only get worse over time.

Please be safe for your sake and the sake of your children.

Please reach out to your local domestic violence services.

You and your children deserve better.

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Mnd888

I wanted to update a bit. I have/am coming to terms with who he is. Stupidly having contact with him paid off a bit in that I talked to him while he was drunk and he admitted he had found out the location of the local women's shelter and gone looking for me. Lucky I was too worried about him doing so to use that one although it was offered. The other thing is that he is now drinking more and more. Absolutely no way will I be going near him while he's doing that. He kept pushing for contact before the mediation was through and I contemplated supervised which he couldn't understand why because 'what did I think he was going to do'. But I couldn't think of anyone I trusted to supervise that would be able to stop him from taking off so I refused him. My SD bio mum came back from out of state and snatched her from the school. With mediation having been deemed unsuitable there are no orders in place so bugger all I can do. Cps are involved due to mum's serious history and are trying to locate her. My X messaged now wanting to see the other kids 'as well' as his SD so obviously he's seen her despite the avo still standing (he's not allowed contact unless court approved). And I've taken the other kids and high tailed it. We're on the road atm feeling lost. No one really wants to help much, no one wants to get involved. Completely understandable  still heartbreaking. I just want to be able to have my babies in a safe stable place. They think it's a holiday at this point but have questioned why we are taking so much stuff we normally wouldn't take. I've told them it's incase we find a really nice place and decide to stay. They don't know what really happened to my SD they just know she's gone to live with her mum. I don't even know if we'll ever see her again. Now that mediation has been rejected I don't know whether to take it to court where he will be granted at least some supervised access or to just disappear completely and hope he never finds us. I've heard so many horror stories of people taking off with kids despite court orders and them noT being found or found years later. He has so many places he could hide and obviously no respect for the law or other court orders. I have completely cut all lines of contact now and don't think there's any way of finding me but has anyone ever had to make this sort of decision before? What did u do and how did it turn out?

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Quaddie

Hi Mnd,

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for your specific situation, but you are heard and are doing a very brave and necessary thing. It's normal to feel adrift and disconnected, especially if there's no one really being supportive, but you are a mama bear protecting yourself and yours. 

The truth is that even if he weren't drinking, he would not be safe to be around. You are wise to stay away from him.

Document (write down what he said, and when) what he said that he had gone looking for you at the shelter. That is stalking behavior and, of course, indicates he is dangerous as well. 

It's a very difficult thing you're doing, and it's okay to feel however you feel about it, as you go through it. 

I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, though. :(

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