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hoping

Am I Happy

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hoping

I'm not happy but I wonder if I would be if I were single. My husband has been nicer than he was in the past but his actions seem like he is trying instead of it being natural. This could be because I'm not use to him trying this hard or acting this good. Even though he is doing better, I know that at anytime he might snap at me, he reminds me of a snapping turtle. He gets irritated so easily about things I say when we are discussing life or people. He said our couch is messing up on one end, so he is going to get another one. I ask him in the past to let me buy one and he didn't want to, now I don't care, I really don't. I have been sick, off and on due to my health problems. Tonight he ask if I felt well enough for intimacy, I told him no, I had a headache, which I did. I decided to take something and go to bed. After lying there for awhile I couldn't sleep and my headache got better. I thought about if I got up he probably would want me to be intimate, so I took awhile to decide what I wanted to do, stay in bed or get up and deal with him. He went somewhere, so I didn't have to deal with him and when he came back he didn't say anything. I found a place that I thought would be a good fit for me until I found out their doctor would not help me get my disability put in my name. I decided to continue going to see the therapist and to go to the support group until I got in with another place.  I don't know if they explained this or not but I found our that I was not going to be seeing a therapist, they didn't have any available. I would only be seeing another person that had gone through mental or drugs problems and I would get the help from her and from the support group. I decided not to continue with that place. I have another place in mind and will see hopefully next week if that place will work out for me. I also ask in a different town what apartments they had and how long it would be before I could get into one. I don't know if I will leave but I am still considering it. I was thinking about moving into the same apartment complex as one of my friends until I saw that she had roaches. I hate roaches! I didn't think a place that was through government assistance would have roaches. If I move to that town, I am considering getting a voucher and finding my own apartment.

 

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Quaddie

h

is actions seem like he is trying instead of it being natural. This could be because I'm not use to him trying this hard or acting this good. 

When people are compatible, there's not this "trying" and "effort." It is natural. And "acting" is the keyword.

If someone has to "try hard" and "make effort" to be kind to you, there's nothing natural about it. It's not because you are not accustomed to it. It's because you see what's truly going on.

and OMG he's bugging you for sex again?!?! I hate him :(

There must be some other way to get the order changed besides having a doctor agree to do it. A lot of doctors won't be involved in anything "legal" like that. Did you ask your caseworker if there is any other way?  Because you are having difficulty finding a doctor who will cooperate with the system. I think there hopefully would be another way, because it's so common that they won't cooperate. 

Also, have you talked to a lawyer to find out your rights if you did divorce? There might be some answer to the money thing connected to that. It doesn't seem reasonable that you would be forced to have your finances controlled by someone who you don't want to stay married to.  In effect, you are being held hostage because this person who you don't want controlling your money, is doing so.

Also - forgive me if I'm misremembering your age - perhaps in your community there is a resource for senior citizens that could point you in the direction of someone to assist with this financial issue, as they may have resources dealing with elder financial abuse (even if you aren't of a certain age, the resources can still be valid as they might know how to deal with things like this).

Also perhaps there is a legal aid or low- or no-cost legal assistance agency who might be able to assist you with the disability thing. 

 

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AZ-home

There HAS to be a way to move your disability pay from him to another person. If they won't give it to you, try sending it to someone else. This HAS to be common. Stuff happens. What happens when the person receiving the check DIES? They transfer it to someone else. You have to tell them you are in an abusive situation and are being CHAINED to him by this technicality and you need to have it transferred to someone "healthy" and supportive. Tell them you are divorcing him "whether that is true or not" and you need it transferred to someone else. Then use an uncle, friend, family member, surely there is another adult who can receive your check for you. I would stick to this story and be demanding until people start listening to you. 

When I was in my abusive marriage, I was mousey. I didn't make waves. I didn't fight hard for what I wanted because I had no fight left in me. I was exhausted from fighting him all the time. Everything else around me needed to be peaceful and I was willing to back off of any fight to maintain some peace. Consider that you might be in this same situation. You might need to muster up a little "fight" to blast through this disability transfer issue! 

I personally see his "trying to be nice" as a good thing. How else are you going to try? If I was trying to be nice after being mean, it would look like trying. How else will it look? But I think, him asking for sex again is a huge sign of "no change." Consider that. And you aren't going to trust his "change" for a very long time. He is basically on probation. I think when it comes to change, and is it real or not, time will tell. Him hounding you for sex doesn't look like change to me. You describe hiding out in your room so he will leave you alone. What is healthy about that? Look at that! If he is being so wonderful now, why are you hiding in your room?

Also, after hounding your for sex, where exactly did he go? I know you were happy for the peace so you probably don't care. But recon he went to get some sex somewhere? Just saying.

Unfortunately I have some experience with roaches. When I left my ex and rented an house, it looked clean and I'm clean but I had an issue. The exterminator pointed to a house about 100 yards away and said, "that's where they're coming from. That house is my client and because of health issues I can't spray inside the house, all I can do is spray the outside and that will never get rid of them. One bad house will infect the whole neighborhood." I asked the neighbors and sure enough, they all had issues, and the ones closer to that house had bigger issues than me. I moved. So, in an apartment setting, all it takes is one infested neighbor and everyone within a 100 yd radius will be affected. And I know from experience, nothing YOU DO will ever keep them out if the neighbor doesn't kill the source. Keep looking. If you see live or dead ones when house hunting, move on! And tour them after dark because that's when they're active. Walk into a dark kitchen and turn the light on. You'll know right away. And if they sprayed and put bait out (to rent the place) you might see dead ones in the cabinets and drawers. Be sure to open them. It's gross conversation. Sorry. I'm sorry to know all that. That's life on the other side of abuse! LOL! 

 

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hoping

Quaddie and A-Z Home, thank you for your replies. I appreciate them. 

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Wildflowers

I'm feeling conflicted lately, more than I have in years about my relationship . I've been with him for 9 years now and we've had ups and downs like any other couple, but I'm sad to think we stay together out of loyalty to the family we've made together. I know he loves me, and I love him, but after recent events I wonder if it's healthy for us to be together. We had an incident recently (first like this ever) and I ended up in jail. I honestly feel like I should have been punished, but I didn't deserve to go to jail. The kids were gone with gramma, and my husband and I were alone. My husband and I were drinking, I try not to drink (I shouldn't obviously and rarely do) but I did, and drank way too much. I had been asking my husband to go to counseling but he won't, says the therapist is on my side. I wanted to talk.  I wouldn't leave him alone, he was trying to sleep. I'm a lot bigger than my husband, twice his size. I got on top of him telling him to talk to me, told him he was mean, and he kicked me off em. I got on him again messing with him, and he grabbed hold of my neck. I remember grabbing his hands over my throat, but nothing again till I went out of the room and talked to the next person I saw. She asked what the marks were on my neck, and I had no idea what she was talking about. I went in to the bathroom and saw them. I cried and she called the police, and I was mortified. My husband hates police. I told the police I started the fight, please leave him alone, but they had to talk to him. He told them everything I did was self inflicted and showed them a video of me (mostly audio) of me yelling at him. I went to jail that night. He called my mother and everyone crying and telling them how I went nuts on him and that I was abusive. I'm going to go into therapy obviously, but feel my husbands lies and his continued drinking is breaking me. Am I as terrible as he says? Why stay with me? Why does his family act like the bruises on my neck were no big deal...I'm sad and don't know what to do.

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Fluffyflea

They are only nice to benefit themselves.

Thats one of the many things I learnt.

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