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Mnd888

To believe or not

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Mnd888

I recently got out of an 8 year relationship where the abuse was emotional, verbal and sometimes physical. He choked me the first time, in front of my son who was 9 months. He cheated on me, more than he'd admit. Once I caught him, he choked me again. I left him for a week, all I did was cry and then went back to him and fell pregnant to him. I was stuck then. We moved away from everyone to a remote place and we're sort of happy for a while although he drank heaps and never let me go out or make friends. Mostly because a lot of the women there were chronic alcoholics. I think he may have been messing around again too. My dad got sick and he refused to speak to him as my dad requested. And wouldn't support me at his funeral, because my dad had thought he didn't have respect for me. Go figure. A few months after we got home, I was so proud I had the house spotless, beautiful dinner done, kids up at the table. He came in drunk looked at the cheese sauce I had made and while I was happily eating my meal, ripped me by the hair of the chair, dragged me out of the room to the back verandah and smothered me in the sauce. Saying how I had used a moody block of cheese for the sauce and I was going to make the kids sick, which I hadn't, I'd found another block in the fridge and cut off some of the bits exposed to air thanks to him never putting it away properly. He never believed me. A few months after he invited his brother in law to stay with us to get off the ice. I begged him not to, pointed out that we had unresolved issues of our own and that getting involved would be bad. He wouldn't listen, I was selfish and even told me I didn't deserve him. We lost our home at the station in the end because of what went on. And during his stay we had snother argument and he pushed me while standing on my foot resulting in a broken toe and some other minor scrapes and bruises. After we left I learnt to run before it got to that point. As soon as he started standing over me, pushing things, I would run out of the house and hide somewhere for a few hours. Not at friends places, I had none, once I slept on the couch at Anglicare for a few hours. I went to a women's shelter another time. Then he made me take on a job ehere he was my boss. It was hell like he controlled my every move all the time. I had to obey him like a child. He even made me leave my babies with his mother for 3 months because it was in a remote community. I had to to save my relationship. I had to save it because I couldn't get our son away from him, and I felt so guilty leaving my step daughter. Yet I felt so bad for my own son because he had to put up with this. When I got the chance I finally convinced him to move back closer to family. Half knowing I could escape half hoping someone would tell him what an donkey he was and he'd start treating me better. Whoops. He tried to crash the car with me in it, was going to hurt me on the side of the road because I got out and was scared to get back in. I got back in. Then he split my lips by hitting a bong into my face (yes I had taken up smoking to try to get him off the drink and it helped me cope) only a few weeks later I wanted to go see my brother, he accused me of sleeping with me and it got out of hand so I ran out and across the road to the pub where there were people he drove up and down past me telling me I was done for etcetera and someone called the police. I left for a day or two and took a pregnancy test that came back positive. I went back. A couple of weeks after my son his stepson broke our new TV, he smacked him so hard and so much he had bruises all over his bum n thighs that took weeks to heal. We got a new house the weekend we moved in, he grabbed me by the hair, pushed me to the ground I just stopped myself from landing on my belly I was 24 weeks at that point. 2 weeks after he got caught smoking ice by the police. 2 weeks after he hit a 75 yr old man. Then when I was 34 weeks pregnant out of stupidity not malice he jumped in behind me while I was on the couch wedging me against my belly. My waters broke. I got taken to the next town over. I called my mum to come up but he wouldn't let her stay in the room while he was there, so when Bub started to come she left and he was on his way. I answered the phone to him saying he was stuck in traffic, he abused some body while he was on speakerphone in front of the nurses. He got there in time to see Bub born then a nurse lifted her too fast and too close to my face, I could see him about to go off and begged him please don't, he resisted and just made a snarky comment. The nurses reported him for possible domestic abuse and sent a social worker to see me. I told her to get her pen ready for some mandatory reporting. And finally after years of keeping his dirty little secret, hoping he would see the light and that I would've supported him, DID support him through some of his darkest days was loyal to him always, took good care of his babies, took care of his needs and his house, that he would appreciate me, I finally let it all out... Well as much as I could in an hour... As long as this story is, it still only captures some of it. I've been out now almost 2 months even managed to get my babies out for the first time. Now of course He's seen the light, after he tried to kill himself, he wants to change he says has been diagnosed with anxiety, is on medication and all. The worst of all this tale is that I originally started writing it to ask if i should believe him, to ask if it's possible to fix this, for him to be real. Now having gone over it in detail again, I am reminded. I know that it will only last a few days before I have doubts again and think it will be possible to have a normal life with him, Think we may be a family, that the man of my dreams may be in there somewhere. I have to remember the nightmare, without letting it destroy me, because forgetting might be worse. I just wish I could find a place where he never existed.

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Bennu

I'm sorry for what you have been through. You are a strong, brave woman. You will make a new life for yourself and your children.

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