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Raye

My story . The space between beginning and ending

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Raye

I find myself sitting here. New to this site and new at sharing anything about myself. I figure the anonymity of the internet may make it easier. Im not even sure what it is i am looking to get out doing this. Maybe just to feel less alone or not so broken and to hope that what ive lived through may strike a chord with someone and maybe help them find the strength to save themselves.. ambitious maybe but whats life without hope..  i am going to try and keep this short and stay on point. I have never spoken in detail about the hell i was in and dont know if i ever will. I joined this group to try and help heal myself. I left my tormentor 3 years ago and have recently been diagnosed with ptsd. I already lived through hell and escaped but now my mind god phoey it thinks it a good idea to relive it over and over.. if i could just escape my mind now haha. Anyways i ramble.. so in point form here goes 

Married at 19 to a 40 year old 

He was good sober

Predictable in that he only hit me when he drank.

We had 3 kids 

I left him at 26 

Met a "nice man" a year later 

Moved in with him 6 months later 

Sold my house under his advice 

He beat me the firsr time the day the money came through 

He put a gun to my head to make me transfer money to his account. 

I sent my children to live temporaeily with my parents as it was not safe for them with me whilst i was with him. 

Temporarily became 9 years. 

I was more afraid of leaving him than staying.

I left over 10 times and went back 10 times 

His mood defined my mood 

He put me in hospital 4 times 

He shot my dog and made me bury him 

He held me tied up in a farmhouse for 4 days 

He shot at me 

I could only work if it was at a place he worked at.

He had full access to my bank accounts and demanded fortnightly statements .

If he gave me my.card to go shopping i had to show recieprs and they had to match statements to the last cent .

I was not allowed to wear a dress 

If i went to see my children i had to send him photos on the hour to prove thats where i was 

The times i tried to leave him he harrassed my.family and friends until i went back 

The last time i left i moved 400 kms away 

He found me . I found him in my car as i left my new job. He cracked my ribs broke my fingers and set my car on fire.  

I.got fired !! He walked away .

I moved a further 100km away 

I worked in a strip club . Reasons being it was cash money.  I was not technically employed by them so he wouldn't be able to find me by my employent status as he somehow did with other job. 

I bought a car and lived out of it for next two years. 

I was too scared to get centrelink. Or a house. Or a job on the books. He could find me via those things as he had proven before.  

I jumped at shadows and avoided people. 

All of what i have written is over now. I did make it out. He still tries to get to me. He showed up at my parents on my bday last year thinking i would be there. He still calls my friends trying to get info and he still makes out he loves me and blah blah blah.  Luckily the people he can contact give him nothing. 

In my second year of living out of my car i met a guy at a friends house.  He was easy to talk with and had a very calm demeanour. I did not tell him anything about my past or why i was living the way i was. He didn't pry. He went out of his way to help me in any way he could and never asked for anything or tried to put it on me. He became my.closest friend. He is now my fiancee. And if i think about it he is probably the reason i decided to join this group. He is a good good man and whilst he knows a little about my past he doesnt know much. He does know that i am still unable to sleep in a bed. I can only relax enough to sleep on a couch. He does know that i get anxious and overreact about little thing's.  Stupid things. There is no need for me to have a panic attack when he does the dishes or if he cant find something. But my past has left scars. And its not  fair to him for me to be like this.  And he has never once complained.  He gets out of bed to wake me up from my nightmares. He does everything right. According to my doctor ptsd can happen when you finslly feel safe. Bloody ironic much lol.. 

Anyways that is some of my story. Thanks for reading and i wish you all strength and love.. 

Has anyone else been diagnosed with ptsd and if so do you have any tips on dealing with it ? 

Love and light 

Raye x

 

 

 

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AZ-home

I think a lot of us have PTSD or CPTSD, myself included. I'm so happy you outsmarted your abuser and found a lovely man. If you copy/paste your post into the Main Forum, you might get more feedback. We're all used to looking in that section only. And welcome.

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Raye

Thank you. I will try copy paste and thanks for reading :)

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Bennu

Hi Raye,

I enjoyed reading your post. There is a lot of strength and hope in it. Thanks for joining the group. I think that I have PTSD, but I don't have a diagnosis. I am getting better with time. I try to push myself to get through things, but not too hard. I intentionally do things that I need to do to move forward even when I know that they will be hard, if I think that I can manage. I think that's the way to do it, but we are really the only ones that can guess what we might be able to do. For you, it might be taking a short nap on a bed and working your way to a full night. It might take a year, but it would be better for your quality of sleep to be able to sleep in a bed again.

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