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Quaddie

PTSD at work (and in life)

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Quaddie

Despairing that all my life's energies and resources go to struggling to fulfill the most basic of Maslow-esque needs ... and which requires me to dissolve myself...   while what I crave are the higher levels of human being-ness... 

I NEVER FEEL SAFE. Not really in any respect. And it's not "just" that I don't "feel" safe but that in actuality I am - it's not "just a perception" that's false. I'm never actually "safe."  There is only one thing that can bring me safety, and it's something that'd basically take me a miracle to obtain, but that people disdain as a goal or necessity but in actuality it IS absolutely necessary in order to be and have safety at all..... otherwise everything is so precarious and I'll be imprisoned in one form or another, in more ways I cannot exist or cope - not because I am flawed, but because the situations themselves are....and I am not meant to exist within them, and I cannot operate within them...

Then there are all the tropes about "life is about dancing in-between crises" or whatever blahblahblahblahblah BLAH BLAH BLAH.    I'm tired, so tired....   so DONE with pretending to be interested in the life games that most people engage in without a second thought - Hopeless and helplessly, in horror, watching the very fabric and nets of our society disintegrate like the Hindenburg...   

I just can't.    The despair....   it's almost ever-present, it's about so, so much in life, it's just too much and I'm tired and feeling too old to even want to care about dealing with any of it, I've started over too many times, I've been plucky and it's landed me nowhere, there's too much "strength p0rn" dictating everyone's life, and I wasted my life in things just trying to survive instead of moving in ways to fulfill my being and I'm not able to reclaim anything anymore. 

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Quaddie

and there are so many negative associations...with everything. Things that people bandy about every day as if they're nothing, or just "normal," to me bring up very, very bad associations - and ones that I really wouldn't want to change because to me they actually go against my soul and spirit and being.

So much of what most people consider normal and part of life, I just want nothing to do with at all. Not that it's "avoidance" per se - it just doesn't jibe with who or what I am, or want to be. I don't believe the same things as others. I don't feel the same way about most things, as others do. They are like nails on the chalkboard of my soul. Painful to my spirit, grating on me intolerably.

So while some of the negative associations that I'm constantly bombarded with - raining over me, at me, all over the place, everywhere - well, they're all due to actual negative experiences, traumas and such - but they're not things I want to "heal" because they're just not part of what I want in life, or who I am, or what I can even pretend to be anymore.

And it's so wearing - obviously - when you are constantly, constantly bombarded with negatives or reminders of how bad or stupid or unacceptably unusual you are seen as. Or how much a life failure you actually are. Because you can't find a way to survive as you are.

 

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whitebutterfly11

I think, at our most basic level, what we need is acceptance. 

Acceptance of who we are, what we've lived, the intricate pieces that make up our character, our gifts, our downfalls--ALL OF IT. 

Then, we grow up in these environments where who we are is ridiculed, even a source of shame, and those messages never really leave us. They linger with us as we become adults and try to grapple with our roles as responsible, autonomous individuals, and they reawaken whenever other people treat us in ways that are similar to the ways we were treated before. 

And then new people and experiences add to the chaos of the past, then it becomes this sickening soup of false messages we are forced to gulp down each day. 

And yes, others are very eager to purge the pain out of us, as if it's easy to purge! As if a generic phrase will rewire a lifetime of pain. Or a strong, positive attitude of perseverance will paint its fakeness over the real, uphill drudgery of despair until it magically disappears. 

I'm sure, if there were some magical element that could materialize happiness and positivity out of nowhere, we'd all have signed up for it yesterday. ;)

It is difficult because it IS difficult, it's HEAVY, and it's burdensome for one person to bear up for long extended periods of time without relief. 

 

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