Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • Curly

      Replying to PMs

      Please note that you can not reply to a personal message by replying to the notification email. Recently admins have received some email responses to personal messages. This is because some members have replied to the notification email. You can not reply to a personal message via the email. What replying to the notification email does is send a copy of the original message and the reply to the admin email address. It does not send your reply to the person who sent you the message. The email notification of the personal message does request "PLEASE DO NOT REPLY DIRECTLY TO THIS EMAIL!"
    • Curly

      New Members and validating your account.

      New members registering please do not hesitate to contact our admin if you do not see a validation email within a few minutes of registering. Yahoo and some other email addresses tend to block the validation email and without this part of the process your account remains in limbo. Our admins are more than happy to help you complete the validation process should this automated system fail. We can be contacted via admin.our.place@gmail.com Please note that you may experience a delay between registering your account and validating before you are able to post as we do also manually process all registrations to keep this forum free of spam. Your account should be activated within 24 hours of you completing the validation process. Thank you.
Sign in to follow this  
Quaddie

PTSD at work (and in life)

Recommended Posts

Quaddie
19 hours ago, Bennu said:

It would have been tempting to answer: "You're right Einstein." and let her fill it herself.

Yeah....   

Thing is, I'm sure she considers it a major fail on my part, yet one more evidence of my lack of (fill in the blank - thinking, being responsible, proactive, who-the-frick-knows...)  And I'm sure re: the coffeemaker thing, that she considers it "part of my job to keep the office and its everything blahblahblah" (and I keep getting lectured about that when that's not even what I was talking about - it's pretty condescending/disrespectful)...

It didn't say it in the job posting or in discussions, but I have since gathered (by her particular significant anger when I couldn't read her mind, about something on her calendar that I was somehow supposed to know to do)....  that really she views this role as having very old-school secretarial elements to it. Which I'm not. And never have been. But somehow, she "read" that into my resume. (Side note: it's really amazing what people in the last few years have been "reading" into my resume - completely ignoring things that are there, making things up/stretching them to suit their desires, etc.) She had basically accused me of either lying or "knowing better" by the fact that on my resume I had certain roles in the past, after I said I'd never worked with, say, calendars in that way before. 

Anyway.

Yesterday I did some spreadsheet thing for them that was very painful for me (literally). It took half the day to do. Oh, but when I was done, she was over-the-top praising and thanking me. And ... touching me (like a poke on my upper arm). I don't like anyone touching me. It wasn't the kind of thing I can make a stink out of. I just hate her. The "praise" (after my having pointed out previously her negativity toward me and lack of positive anything besides "thank you" which is not actually positive input).... it was so over-the-top. And so much gratuitous thank you. You told me to do something and I did it. Now you want to say I did a great job? It was just a spreadsheet. Okay but whatever. 

Now I want to try to go in early today (and hopefully nobody else is there and I don't "get in trouble") so that I can get a jump on things because I'm not able to do everything. Yesterday I worked straight through my lunch (ate while I worked) in order to get all the mandates done. 

Hoping, she reminds me of a combination of two people who destroyed me at a previous job - one was a psychopath, and the other was a malignant narcissist. Except that there were redeeming features to the malignant narc (who I worked with for years) until close to the end, when things went extremely badly. And the other was just a horrible psychopath and together they had formed a purposeful and systematic course of "taking me down" that really significantly harmed my psyche irreversibly.

This one is like a combination of them. You get a "feeling" and it's the same feeling. And some of her criticisms of me use the same language and "concepts" (for lack of a better word) that the psychopath did. So that makes me feel like maybe it is me and maybe I really am just... a fail.

I don't know.

WB, I "know" in my head it's not me but I can't feel it anymore. I don't feel competent and I don't feel capable, and to be perfectly honest I am so done with every kind of work scenario and everything attached to them that I can't even muster half the play-acting one needs to do. I don't even want to  (and by "don't want to," I don't mean 'reluctant' - I mean "I can no longer bear and it makes me sick with a grotesque disgust in my soul and it grates with the painful spires of a thousand flaming swords inside me") put myself into situations where I have to "please" someone else in order to justify my existence or my survival. Which is every workplace, every interview, every everything.  And it might sound "entitled" that I just can't do this anymore, except that I've paid my dues and taken my lumps and started over, and over, and over (mostly because that's all I could get because the way I look influenced people into not believing or trusting my experience or abilities so I'd be forced to "start over" and "dumb down" - over and over again, then climb a little and get shoved back down... so I've never "accomplished" anything and, of course, at this stage in life, when you haven't, people assume that was your "career path" and that's all you're worth or capable of, no matter how high above your title you actually performed. And now I don't even care. I can't care. I don't want any of it. I am forced to for survival ,but none of it is okay or healthy (on any level) for me. And it doesn't matter that I can't.  It doesn't matter to the gods of survival that I can't. It doesn't matter to anyone that I can't.  It's not like there's just some pot o' money that's sitting there and going to be handed to me because I can't. There's nothing to save me. There's nothing. It doesn't matter that I can't. And this "can't"-ed-ness is overpowering and overwhelming and sickening and harming me. But it doesn't matter, and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

(P.s. disclaimer: for people who are wondering about going out into the workforce, please note this disclaimer that my experience is not at all typical. In fact, it's so atypical that most people don't have a framework to really understand it, many don't believe me, figure it must be something I'm doing "wrong" but I've tried everything, and now not only is it too late but I honestly can't care, it's not my 'life path' anyway but I do need to survive, even though such 'survival' is like the gift of the magi in removing my ability to follow my life-path things. But again, that's also atypical as I have challenges and limitations.)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11
On 11/8/2017 at 8:09 AM, Quaddie said:

 

WB, I "know" in my head it's not me but I can't feel it anymore. I don't feel competent and I don't feel capable, and to be perfectly honest I am so done with every kind of work scenario and everything attached to them that I can't even muster half the play-acting one needs to do. I don't even want to  (and by "don't want to," I don't mean 'reluctant' - I mean "I can no longer bear and it makes me sick with a grotesque disgust in my soul and it grates with the painful spires of a thousand flaming swords inside me") put myself into situations where I have to "please" someone else in order to justify my existence or my survival. Which is every workplace, every interview, every everything.  And it might sound "entitled" that I just can't do this anymore, except that I've paid my dues and taken my lumps and started over, and over, and over (mostly because that's all I could get because the way I look influenced people into not believing or trusting my experience or abilities so I'd be forced to "start over" and "dumb down" - over and over again, then climb a little and get shoved back down... so I've never "accomplished" anything and, of course, at this stage in life, when you haven't, people assume that was your "career path" and that's all you're worth or capable of, no matter how high above your title you actually performed. And now I don't even care. I can't care. I don't want any of it. I am forced to for survival ,but none of it is okay or healthy (on any level) for me. And it doesn't matter that I can't.  It doesn't matter to the gods of survival that I can't. It doesn't matter to anyone that I can't.  It's not like there's just some pot o' money that's sitting there and going to be handed to me because I can't. There's nothing to save me. There's nothing. It doesn't matter that I can't. And this "can't"-ed-ness is overpowering and overwhelming and sickening and harming me. But it doesn't matter, and there's nothing I can do about it.

2

I definitely hear your pain in all of this, and I am so very sorry that you are suffering. 

How has it been the last couple of days? Is she getting worse?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

After a few days of relative okayness, late yesterday afternoon we had a team meeting in which she was absolutely bonkers just toward me.

I was trying to write some notes up about it this morning, but it doesn't seem like they portray the actual craziness and anger in her criticism and attacks on me.

Not sure if it'll make sense and I have to change some things for privacy, but here are my notes so far, trying to clean it up a bit here. Also, my responses may read as "defensive" but the way I'd said them... well, I was pretty angry rather than upset, and so the tone was more like "assertive." Standing up for myself, not cowering, but it didn't matter.

I call them "coworker 1 and 2" but really they are "above" me although boss is all our boss. We are the entire team for this region's office.  I feel like these notes don't really get across how crazy it was. I was just sitting there in disbelief and anger. Knowing I could just get up and leave, although I'd have no income or benefits... 

I know she's stressed about this event, but that's not why she's this way. She was already that way - it's just exacerbated now - and there is no excuse. I've never experienced anything like this!!!! It was insane.

There's supposed to be another meeting today so I'm not sure how things will go today.

***TANTRUM CASTIGATION***
Meeting 11-8-17 re an event we're holding next week, & while going though the guest list, Boss yelled at me inappropriately, having tantrums and castigating me many times!! In front of co-workers 1 & 2.

It wasn't even like the whole list was a piece of crap and that I'd "screwed up" left and right. There were only a few errors, which I feel is normal given the situation - some of which I could not have known about, some which weren't even errors. I've never done this before and had told her when she assigned it to me, that I probably wouldn't be perfect at it and would need some help. She had just stared at me and said, "Well, you NEED to be perfect!"

ALL these were things that should have just been noted to correct, NOT YELLED AND TANTRUMED AT ME. All other times in my life, the other person would just say that such-and-such needed to be changed or fixed. Not browbeaten me for there being something that needed to be changed. I've NEVER experienced such outright and repeated inappropriate abuse in a meeting/workplace situation. It was beyond inappropriate, disrespectful, degrading.

        - I had accidentally put 2 names repeated in two different places (they had been mentioned somehow twice in the original list where things got checked-in and that was the list I'd made this new list from, the same guests had been mentioned in someone else's note to include at their table, plus they had their own tickets so it got accidentally duplicated) - she yelled at me and criticized me about it. I said, "I can only do the best I can, and I *appreciate the help*" (meaning, I am human and make mistakes and TOLD them I'd help and wouldn't be perfect at it, especially not knowing a lot about what she wanted or how this went or how to do it- I'd never done before and had said so ....and I expected there to be input and changes, but NO NEED to ream me out for a simple imperfection. It's a process! That's why we were reviewing the list anyway!)

        - in one place, there were two names I had accidentally switched last name / first name format. (Two on the whole list of hundreds, and both were located in the same place on the list.) All you'd need to do is say they need to be fixed, no problem. But she had a huge tantrum! She was all upset, ranting and yelling that "There's no consistency in here! In some places it's last name and in some places it's first name - it's ALL OVER the place!!! I need CONSISTENCY!!" (Gesturing with her hands, "chopping" downward at the list in front of her repeatedly as she yelled.) "It needs to be CONSISTENT!!!"  I asked where the names were, because she was so engaged in her ranting that she hadn't even said and I didn't know where she was talking about. Someone else told me. It turned out to be just the two names, at one table. Not "all over the place" at all. It wasn't "inconsistency" and I certainly did not deserve to be berated about it!!! (Nobody does!) I said, "It was just a mistake - I'll fix them." She kept ranting so I repeated again - and very firmly (firmly enough that if someone wanted, they could say I had an "attitude" - but sheezus!!!!)  - I repeated again that it - was - just - a - mistake - and - I'd - fix - it.  (Because holy crap, she was acting like it was some giant conspiracy against her and that the whole entire thing was a flyin' mess and that I'd been a stupid uncaring idiot purposely doing crap to upset her. I mean seriously, it was that crazy!)

        - another name had been "repeated" and she was yelling at me about THAT, I just kept asking where, where? .... Coworker 1 said something about someone with a different last name - and when I looked in another spot, the guest was there with a different last name, but who evidently is the same person. I couldn't have known that! And even so, I'm human! I said "oh, I couldn't have known that..." Coworker 1 said it was ok. But Boss had really been extremely critical and *attacking* me for having done that. When really, it's just being human. I don't know all these people - she does, but I don't, and for cryin' out loud I can't, and it's not that I'm a worthless human because I don't know all these people at all.

        - I had a couple of names on there that I was questioning about whether they were getting seats. I'd put a question mark in front of their names, so it was clear I was questioning them, and there was a note with the question. She REAMED me out for having them on there!  When she was reaming me, I said, "I was *questioning* them, that's why I had question marks on front of them, because I had questions about them." (I just kept repeating that the question mark was there and I was questioning it because I had questions. She just kept reaming. We were probably talking over each other. It was insane. C'mon....) Then she bawled me out for having put the question on there at all. Not allowed to have anything but actual guests (which was what I was questioning, whether they were guests, but okay.)

        - This was toward the end of the list review ...  She started yelling at me that she hadn't seen a particular male guest on there and he was missing! By this point I'm at a loss from all the barrage of criticism... I don't remember every single name, I don't know these people - *she*-does. There are hundreds. Coworker 1 gets up to look for the reservation slip - then Coworker 2 sees his name is on the list and points it out. So Boss had started a rant about it for a minute, but I hadn't in actuality missed it or done anything wrong.

      - the others would say to me"it's all right, that's why we're doing this" when I would answer about another attack....I think trying to smoothe it. But it wasn't that I was upset about the things I needed to change, like I wasn't being defensive - I was trying to be assertive because her behavior was so over the top and not okay with me to be treated like that - ANYONE would need to make a few changes! It was the inappropriate, harsh, undeserved attacks and castigation I was receiving for every single blip!

Another thing I had said to her about one of the things she attacked me about - not sure if it's on the list above, I'm not remembering everything - was that I said it "wasn't like I was doing it in PURPOSE." Because she seems to have an attitude that I'm not perfect because I'm trying to NOT be, purposefully, just to mess with her...it's very weird. Like my humanity (and therefore imperfection) is an affront to her, she gets very angry and offended/critical if I make a mistake or don't know something, like I'm being purposely stupid and it's a personal attack on her, a personal <WORD THAT MEANS DOING SOMETHING AGAINST HER>, like it's purposeful if I'm imperfect and human and don't know everything or make mistakes. She gets very, like, personally angry. Very weird!

Really there were only like 2 sets of actual small errors (on a list of hundreds), but NONE of this was deserved or appropriate to have ATTACKED me, criticized, tantrumed over!!! And I CANNOT be "perfect" or read minds, this was my first time, I'd never done this before, I'd already said in advance that I'd need help and have questions. It was a PROCESS to get that list together. It was utterly inappropriate - WRONG - to repeatedly attack, criticize and tantrum about it.

I think the other gals noticed but I'm not sure their depth of work experience to be able to judge what can be expected as"normal" work behavior/treatment. Coworker 1 then seemed to get very frazzled about the next part of the project she'll be working on, because she kept saying she wants to make sure it's exactly how Boss wants it and she wants to make sure she gets it clear so she can make absolutely sure it's exactly how Boss wants it. (I'm guessing Coworker 1 seemed to want to avoid being subjected to the attacks *I* had been. However, I believe she singles me out for this treatment - it seems like she speaks to the others in a much friendlier way, all around.)  I wonder what they think of it... but like I said, I'm not sure if they realize that this is not okay, not typical, not respectful, not appropriate, not professional. They've each only had like 1 job since college so they don't have much comparison and may normalize it.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

oops... AND... .I wouldn't even know how to "talk about" the above situations without saying words I'm not allowed to say or concepts I'm not allowed to express (such as the concept of "as boss you were inappropriate and wrong" and the words "abuse" or "tantrums" or such.)

Also I had already brought up about her admonishing me in front of co-workers. She claimed she'd never do that. But she didn't even know the word, she mispronounced it... here she was CLEARLY and OUTRAGEOUSLY berating me and degrading me in front of others. But whatever. No matter what I'd say - it'd be wrong, and futile, and she would just retaliate and it would instigate "meetings" that I cannot bear due to horrifying panic about such things <understandably I think!>...   But really, there's no point in talking about it at all. And I can't. I literally cannot bear my own physical and mental reaction to such "talks."  I have, in the past, had actual heart attack symptoms from such things.  I "know" I'm not "in the wrong" but it doesn't matter. It's what they do to me. It's horrifying to me. I can't. The "authority" and you're supposed to put up with and listen and be open and they are deemed "always right" no matter what the flying frick they are actually doing... it's grotesque and sick, and I just can't.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

Good gracious.

The psychological terrorizing here is just . . . I can't even.

Not so far removed from medieval torture chambers where hostages were physically tortured for information, except in this case it's all psychological. 

- Putting you on the spot in a drill sergeant manner until you give her information

- Physically intimidating you with gestures 

- Attaching to one or two insignificant human errors and generalizing it at your character--rejecting the 99.8% of what you successfully accomplished.

Boiling over for no reason. My goodness, the push for your PERFECTION is unreal. This complete meltdown when two tiny details are slightly askew. It's like she's just waiting for one tiny teeny little mistake so she can sic on you. 

- Clearly projecting her own inner disorder and insecurities onto you.

- Intimidating, guilt-tripping, publically humiliating, ignoring what you've accomplished, hyper-focusing on any perceived faults (perceived because how on earth could you have known how to compile a list of hundreds of people without running into a few blips? Did she write a memo stating that every last letter on every last name ought to be in the perfect place or else she will fall into a childlike outrage? Sheesh. Ugh.)

Even listing that all out (and I could have gone on and on and on), I understand the complications of not being able to voice any of this because she will not have it, because it will affect your standing, threaten your livelihood. The injustice here is that at some level there is no other way to deal with it than to absorb a portion of it.

I'm so sorry. I really hope the next meeting isn't as torturous as this one, though that seems wishful thinking. :(

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie
22 hours ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

 

- Clearly projecting her own inner disorder and insecurities onto you.

-

 

I feel like this became even more obvious yesterday, in this one incident. (Of course, it didn't occur to me until way later - you know how it is.)

There are these contracts we have to do for every vendor we hire, in order to pay them. I have to admit it confuses me, I'm not so good at this stuff. And we have different types of contracts depending on which what huh.

So if we've done prior contract with a vendor then we can just do an "addendum" referring to the prior contract. But if we've never done biz with the vendor we're supposed to do a full contract.

So there was this one that we needed to get paid ASAP as we need their service next week and we needed to firm up the reservation. (I have to give long, complicated details to make this make sense, sorry. )

So at the very start of this trying to work with this vendor, coworker1 had looped me in, and I had completed a "full" contract for them and sent it to them repeatedly to get them to sign it so we could proceed, and they never responded.

And I told coworker1 that we need that from them. (It's her "relationship" with this vendor.)

But I didn't get it back.

So in the famous meeting the other day, coworker1 and boss had discussed it. Coworker1 doesn't understand the whole contracts thing yet (she's newer than me). So boss was sort-of explaining it to her. First boss aid we need an "addendum" from the vendor in order to pay them. Then coworker1 said can't we just pay them? Boss said yes, but we'll still need the contract.

(By "just pay them" I assumed they meant by credit card, since the vendor had sent a CC form, and coworker had repeatedly asked me about if they'd sent one, AND that's the only way that our office can "just pay" anything.)

So now, keep in mind there are, at this point, three different answers floating in the air about "how we're going to deal with this vendor." One option is what I assumed to be the credit card thing that boss/coworker, I assumed, were talking about. Another option was that boss had said we need an "addendum" from them. The third option was the "full contract" I'd already sent to them that they had ignored.

So - remembering I'm not very good at this stuff, but in my head I'm thinking it doesn't make sense to use an addendum because those are usually only for when we already have, in the past, had a full contract - which we did not.

(Sorry, this all is to explain something that happens later.)

And nobody else was doing anything about the contract/vendor thing, that I'd already sent them repeatedly explaining we needed.

SO.

Yesterday, coworker1 emails me, saying the contract is attached and let's get this wrapped up today.

Only I look at the attachment - and it's not a contract. It's a "rental agreement" which will not suffice as a contract for our purposes. There's also an invoice, which also doesn't suffice (but which we do require in order to pay them, so that's okay, it's just that neither of these things is what we need in full from them).

So since boss had repeatedly mentioned to use an "addendum" - I didn't know whether I should make  an "addendum" and send that to the vendor (which remember, didn't make sense to me because that was only if we already had a prior contract, which we didn't)...   Or... because I'd already sent them a full contract which everyone seemed to be ignoring or confused about, and nobody had signed.

So I was confused.

So I'm going to segue for a moment, because I feel that some background about "questions" is needed here.   About a week ago, i'd had some questions about how to do something in one of our systems, so I'd asked the gal at our HQ who is over all such things. And Boss bawled me out for that and said I should have just asked her (Boss), because she could have given me the answer.  Now, the thing is, I might have already explained, at least half the time I ask Boss questions, she responds in some sort of condescending manner or with some sort of dig or put-down (even to things I couldn't possibly have known about). So questions were clearly not her thing. AND I'd already mentioned the "questions not being welcome" thing months ago to her, so she had stopped doing one particular insulting thing she did, but still was very weird about my asking questions. VERY weird and it's always a crapshoot whether I'll just get an answer, or some sort of put-down or something instead. Not that I consciously realized until after last week, that this was the dynamic. I just put that together.

Back to this incident yesterday.

So I was confused about which, what, huh - how to deal with this vendor. What exactly was I supposed to be doing with them? I honestly didn't know. And I think - that wasn't because I was stupid.  (But I'm not usually able to parse out my confusion and define it like I did above, in the moment. I'm very flawed that way. All I feel is "I'm confused' and "what huh idk huh?")

SO. I went to Boss to ask her. Because I'm supposed to do that rather than delay about anything. Right? 

She was sitting in her office with coworker1. So I ask her, What am I supposed to be sending or doing with this vendor? Because they hadn't sent a contract, just a rental agreement and invoice. Which wasn't what we needed. What were we doing with it? What was I to do?

She then mumbled about what was the guy's name at our HQ who handled something to do with this particular situation....   then she took a minute or two looking through her emails, I guess trying to find his email chain (our email sucks, you really can't find anything)...

Then, not finding the email, she turned to me and BLURTED at me, like I was a total idiot -  "It's the same as they ALWAYS are!!!"  And yep, this was in front of coworker1. 

So I got flustered and remember, I can't think in such moments, so I just basically flung my arms and angrily said, "Well I was confused!!!"    and flung myself out of there because to be honest I can't deal with her crapping on me and I'm having very automatic reactions to it that I can't seem to control. 

I immediately regretted saying "I was confused" because it made it sound like *I* was the stupid one. I'm not the stupid one. I just can't think in those moments.

And most of the time, when she attacks me about a question I ask, if I go back later and press and re-explain and make her not automatically disregard and insult me, then sometimes eventually she stops and goes, "Oh I see what you're saying." But there's this automatic response she has to me that I am just being a stupid idiot who deserves being berated for asking.

And here - thinking back, it seemed like she didn't know, either, and then because she was frazzled, she took it out on me.

NOT OKAY.

I'm so done with this beyotch. I work my butt off. Remember that most of the time I"m not even taking breaks. They keep piling more crap on and then say "This shouldn't take that long." Then yesterday coworker1 made me go back through tons of stuff to make sure nothing was missing because she'd found one thing from the prior day missing...which I'm not even sure that she wasn't the one who'd deleted it. Who knows. She said "It shouldn't take long." Well, it did! I HATE that, people defining how long things "should" take when they're not the one doing it!!! 

And while I was doing that? They were sitting talking about manicures and some social stuff and whatnot. 

I am literally working nonstop, I know they work longer hours on this crunch  - we have this big event next week - (they're salaried and I'm not) but that means I feel intensely the pressure of time, too, because I"m only supposed to work X hours.

grrrrrrrrr 

And that "double-checking" project - my desk is very awkward, and the doing of it set off some annoying pain and trouble with my eyes/neck/head/shoulders, I'm in pain, not feeling well, I couldn't sleep well, and I HATE that they wreck at least one of my days off and it's all just to be castigated more?

eff this sht

I mean seriously.....

I fantasize so much about what I would say.....maybe what I WILL say, if I make the grand gesture of walking out......   BUT.... I never have words in the moment. The words roil around in my head, but I am not great at expression under pressure or in moments of emotional drama.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Plus, we were so frantically busy and even worked over yesterday, so I forgot / didn't do that infamous "list" we're supposed to do every Friday - listing specifically what we did this week and what we intend to do next week. I hope to he77 she doesn't hassle me about it next week!

Because I want to say, "Do you really not know what the flick I was doing all week?!?!? Even though we were constantly talking about it, and we had meetings, and you come by and ask me what I'm working on, and exactly what I'm doing, all the time - I can barely answer the phone without you asking who it was - and you're the one who tells me what to do most of the time? Do you really not know what I'm doing???!?  How is it that every other "leader" in the world seems to function just fine without demanding a detailed list of everything their underlings are doing all the time, especially when they're micromanaging it all anyway??? Do you not understand that this is totally abnormal and totally degrading and kind of insane? Do ya think it's an attempt to manage the chaos in your OWN head rather than a burden that should truly be expected of me to fulfill??? Ya THINK?!?!? DO YA?!?!?"

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

It's gotten to the point where if I make some stupid mistake at home, I get upset and think I really must be failing to think, or maybe something is really wrong with my brain....from the repeated & severe emotional traumas, and/or the impact from lack of sleep or whatever, and/or aging and I'm declining...

Probably not that I'm stupid and worthless, but now I just get upset and feel like I must be, even at home on the weekend.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

It's horrible to have to feel terrified and panicking at the prospect of going into work. 

She won't be there today, but there's still this big thing coming up this week that everyone is frazzled about, and she will probably still be emailing - and I find emails just as panicking and difficult.

I can't even describe how I feel.

(Oh, and this big thing we're doing later this week.......just so happens to be taking place at the same location as a prior terrorizing situation, although not all the same people, but I don't know who has been told what about what went on then. I may or may not run into people I know, who may or may not have been told things about me. And that's frazzling enough as it is, without all this other stuff with this boss/job.)

Just can't.....   In such a bad place.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11
On 11/11/2017 at 12:02 PM, Quaddie said:

 

So I got flustered and remember, I can't think in such moments, so I just basically flung my arms and angrily said, "Well I was confused!!!"    and flung myself out of there because to be honest I can't deal with her crapping on me and I'm having very automatic reactions to it that I can't seem to control. 

I immediately regretted saying "I was confused" because it made it sound like *I* was the stupid one. I'm not the stupid one. I just can't think in those moments.

And most of the time, when she attacks me about a question I ask, if I go back later and press and re-explain and make her not automatically disregard and insult me, then sometimes eventually she stops and goes, "Oh I see what you're saying." But there's this automatic response she has to me that I am just being a stupid idiot who deserves being berated for asking.

 

I apologize for not responding to this sooner! The joys of throwing out a back and not being able to even sit up. :(

 Okay, having read up to this point I quoted, and she tells you in her signature condescending and projecting way: "It's the same as they ALWAYS are!!" (ugh). 

Up to this point, you have done everything you can. You have talked to a coworker, you have gone through all of the protocol for this situation, you've thought it through, you've looked at different scenarios, and using the process of elimination, you've determined in every logical way that there simply is not a clear answer to this perplexing question. And, following the advice SHE gave you, you decide to approach her about this.

Which, in my view, is exactly what ought to happen. I would have done the same thing. 

Then, she waves you off with this spiteful jab that implies that you ought to magically know what to do in this situation that you've never encountered before, as if you haven't already done everything in your power to figure out prior to this point, and treats you like you are a layperson unworthy of her time.

I really just can't stand her and the way she treats you. 

Your response to her would have been almost identical to what I would have said, and perhaps anyone who had just worked their butts off trying to do the right thing only to be swatted away like a pesky fly.

(Hold on, the formatting is going on wonky and I need to start a new response.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

And then your insight about her perhaps not knowing the answer herself, but covering it up by projecting her frustration all over you as if it's your fault--it's becoming more and more clear that this is the way that she denies her own lack of organizational skills, insight, and management abilities: by ricocheting them all back onto others, especially you. 

On 11/11/2017 at 12:02 PM, Quaddie said:

And here - thinking back, it seemed like she didn't know, either, and then because she was frazzled, she took it out on me.

NOT OKAY.

 

I think you've nailed it here, Quaddie. She's overcompensating the lack of her own skills by making others look small. She's a wee bit too proud (actually A LOT) to admit that she's totally dependent and reliant upon others around her to be her brains and do her work for her. I don't think she would be able to do this on her own for an hour, and she knows it, and it makes her upset. She can't admit that the problem isn't others, it's her. 

Unfortunately, she feels entitled to be treated like she is the authority, even if she lacks the know-how or the organizational skills. I've known a few people like this in my life (again, unfortunately) who like being bosses or in positions of authority because they like bossing people around. They crave the power it gives them to tell people what to do, then reprimand them if they don't do things just so. And these people are completely no-care at all about the fact that they don't have the skills or class to run the job. It doesn't matter, it seems, because they are the boss, and as the boss, they should be able to get what they want even if they don't know how to do the job (that's what others are for, right? :( ) Then they smear campaign anyone who dares defy them and their position, even and especially when they deserve it. We see this on a personal level, and also on a global level, which I won't get into because of politics, but I'm sure you know what I mean, lol.

I think people like this choose targets who are able to see them behind the screen, so to speak, and are onto the ways that their words and actions aren't measuring up. The fact that you know and see who she is beneath her surface level projection might be why she's particularly interested in making you feel bad. She doesn't want to be discovered as the boss who can't keep her cr4p together. But you see it. You've got these amazing insight skills that cut straight to the truth. My guess (and I could be totally off) is that she's particularly effing with you because if she can make you look and feel smaller, then she feels stronger, and then the truth about her becomes diminished as well.

The injustice of her treatment of you, the fact that her terrorizing micromanaging and demeaning has made you feel traumatic responses at work and even at home, just makes me so angry at her. It really is bad. THAT bad. Her abuse is a definite force for evil, a truly soul-crushing energy. I hate that you have to work in an environment like this. She really is THAT awful. 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Sitting at my desk on my "lunch" reading that, and it brought tears ...

Thank you for the validation and understanding.

I can't even describe what a sh!tshow it is in here right now, boss is out today and I'm expected to magically be able to know and pull things together without knowing or being given straight, full answers or clarity....and the staff here is clueless and just kept telling me to ask boss, who of course didn't answer both/all my email questions, and forces a back-and-forth that I'm sure pisses her off but whatever.... Sheeshhh. Everyone else here is stressing, i'm not caring anymore (Yet I AM) and magically being so magical...ugh

You're right, it is that bad, even if part of it is just over-trepidation from my own reactions....  But it's not just my disproportionate reaction, she DOES attack me, berate, barrage, all the everything, bad stuff, words not forming here lol.

I have to keep it together and be the calm one cuz they are stressing so bad

:(

Emails are triggering for me from past experience, and she does things in them too, and most of the time is very unclear or even nonsensical - and so even though she's not here today, the email exchanges are....yeah. You know

She acts like it's almost some sort of personal affront to her if*I* am not perfect 

It's not sane.

Ok, gritting my teeth and soul :( and getting back to it now... :(

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Yesterday she crossed a huge line (well, same line but crossed it hugely AGAIN in a way that left me on the very, very verge...)

We have this big event today and everyone's been stressing - her, because she's psycho - and the other 2 new employees because they don't necessarily know what they're doing with a lot of this yet. BUT REMEMBER - she never treats them the way she treats me! (They are "higher up" than me.) And I don't know what I"m doing with it, either. I only started a couple months before them, and this place is very convoluted and its own type of organization that's very different from anywhere else I've worked.

Yesterday boss comes to me with coworker 1 at her side and asks me if I am putting together some "blahblah packets."  I have a blank look because I have no clue what she's talking about. She mumbles to coworker1, something like did she have me do them? Then they both just stand there. 

I say something like, "No, I don't ... know anything about that."

Boss FLIPS OUT and has a huge meltdown tantrum!!! She starts yelling at me that she's SURE "we went over this!" I say, "No, we didn't." She yells at me AGAIN, "I'm sure we DID! I'm sure if you 'check your NOTES' (<--said kind of snarky)  you'll see that we've gone OVER this!!!"  She marches angrily into the storage room (it's right there) and starts angrily grabbing things and yelling them out at me like some sort of list she'd already allegedly told me, berating me like an abused child -  pulling the items off the shelves into her arms while still YELLING at me how we'd gone over this - then marches into the conference room (again, it's right there) and angrily dumps/throws the items down onto the table there.

I lose my sh!t and manage to choke out that I'm going to the restroom (because I have to announce that, too, remember)... Where I sit in there shaking with so much anger  and crying. While at the same time having to be "afraid" of being in there "too long" and not believed that I'm just in the bathroom.

I . HAD.  HAD.  ENOUGH.

If I had gone back in there and she had said one - more - angry - word to me, I would have completely lost my sh7t on her and said some things - and used a tone of voice - that nobody says to a "superior." How I know she's stressed but I AM A PERSON AND I DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH RESPECT.  How she treats me like I'm an idiot piece of $hit  and nobody deserves that! Even if I had already been told what to do! But I hadn't! And she was berating me and abusing me for something she made up in her own head. And I am NOT okay with being treated this way - nobody would be! It is inappropriate and unacceptable. It is bullying!

Of course, I would have then had to be ready to walk out. (And I wouldn't be able to storm out in a hurry because I have some things I'd need to unplug and gather and pack up - it's unavoidable, I can't not have those things. The rest of it, I pretty much have in one fell swoop.)

She came into the bathroom while I was washing my hands and said "Hey" and I didn't answer. She saw, I'm sure, that I was upset. I'm sure they thought I was "just upset." Who knows if they even realized at that point that she had been the one who was wrong. She probably figured she just "handled" my "incompetency" wrong. I'm sure they probably thought I was just "upset" and had no clue how angry  I was or how on the verge of giving them a huge lecture I was. Or leaving.

BUT when I returned, she instead "explained nicely" the project, going to great pains to be "nice" and "slow" and "patient" about it. (Eff you, beyotch.)  

And you know what? I checked my notes. There was no note about it. (And I figured as such, because there were tons of things that, at the time, she'd said we would go over in more detail later.)  You know what the only note I had about anything like that, was? It was just that this consultant she'd hired who used to work there (who had, herself, been very condescending to me!!!) - the consultant was going to "tell me about it." That's the only note I had, and it didn't even mention specifically the blahblah packets.

So the consultant came into the office later in the afternoon, after I'd already put the crux of the packets together. She for some reason sat at my desk while I was trying to eat lunch, to do her work at that moment. Then she gets up and says, "Oh, the blahblah packets!" and starts walking to the storage room. I say, "They're already done." She was like, "ohhh...really? oohh, okay." 

So SEE - there was no way for me to have known anything about it. Psychoboss flagellated me and berated me and tantrumed and marched around shouting at me - not only inappropriately, but also falsely accused me (which she has done before, as well) and treating me like I was an idiot piece of $hit for not knowing something I couldn't have possibly known. 

Yes, again.  Right, that's not the first time. It's not the second time. It was an avalanche of so-unacceptableness that I barely could keep my crap together.

But - I stayed. There's this huge event (working it today, so god knows how it'll go - she probably will be too distracted with other stuff to focus her psycho on me). And I just kept working - angrily - I'm not even trying to pretend I'm okay with her behavior or to smooth it over. Eff her!! NO.  I just kept thinking, "They're lucky I am staying and doing this work."

At some point I'm envisioning she'll want to have a "meeting" where she will talk about how I "don't seem happy" and I will have to be honest and say something like no, NOBODY would be happy with being bullied and abused, falsely accused, tantrumed-at, etc. etc. And I won't want to even subject myself to such a meeting. Because eff that world, I'm so sick of that crap.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

(((Quaddie)))

Good gracious. :(

How terrorizing of her, to fall into a tirade over something you could not have possibly known because she never explained it to you or gave you even the slightest sort of guidance or clue to know what on earth she was even talking about in the first place. Eff her. 

Then plunging into the storage room and angerly tossing things around like a child throwing a royal fit. Not to mention her yelling at you like a shrieking banshee because you couldn't, through osmosis, know her every whim and thought. Because lo and behold, apparently the job description in invisible ink stated that you must be a mind reader. :angry-smiley-005: :angry-smiley-005:

And then, she has the gall to treat you like you are a child when she does ^^^^ that. 

AND THEN, like a flip of the switch, she turns into sickly sweet condescending boss who passive-aggressively in kindergarten voice explains to you a project that she feels you should magically already know how to do, even though she never once explained it to you, told you it had to be done, or gave you any guidance whatsoever.

The truth that she will never admit to, because she's intent on blaming you for all of her mistakes, is that this is her fault.

If she should be angry at anyone, it's herself. Her poor organization skills. Her utter lack of effective communication. Her inability to follow through. Her overall lacking management skills. Probably on some level she knows that this was her fault, but rather than accept this, she chooses to target you and blame you for it all. Her narcissistic supply would deflate in 0.3 seconds the moment she admits that she made a mistake. To keep her reputation, she must never appear to be incompetent--it must always be everyone else's fault. :( Not only that, but you see the woman behind the curtain, so to speak, so this will increase her efforts to put you down so she can keep her image of being all-knowing Boss.

She's really that bad.

It would feel awful being in that work environment--being scrutinized to that degree.

I could be way off on my perception of it, but she is projecting her frustrations onto you, like you are her poison container.

All I know is that this is not okay. Totally unacceptable for her to treat you in such a way. I'm so, so sorry. :(

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

:(  No, I agree, I feel that too, that she is projecting her "stuff" onto me.

She never yells at the others...  In fact, I overheard her saying something (to them) about she realized she needed to be more clear about some things. 

They, too, find her incomprehensible - I had the gratification of that validation last week. But I don't think anybody is standing up for *me.*

It was going 'round in my head, whether she had told me anything about it. It might be possible that, long ago, she mentioned it and rattled off rapidly a list of things that go in the "packet" but if she had, it would have been one of the times she fired things off rat-a-tat far too fast to write down, and I wouldn't have necessarily remembered - I'm not even sure anymore if that even happened or didn't happen. I'm not sure what is gaslighting or if I truly suck or...  whatever... BUT... even if I had totally forgotten (which wouldn't be abnormal!), it is not worth ripping someone apart instead of just taking 2 seconds to list things that go in a packet, to someone who's new, and even if you'd mentioned it before, you can remind them / tell them again, especially if you'd said it weeks ago (which, if she did, it was, and we've been frantically working on other things since).

So I don't even know anymore, but either way - the behavior is still inexcusable.

But, today I feel deflated and desolate.

Last night was the event - worked hard all day, all told I left 13 hours after I got there. I'm in so much pain everywhere and so tired I can barely move or think. 

But the thing is... at this event...

was speech after speech after speech, and there were some community and state bigwigs there, government and agency. And they all gave speeches and, as part of them, praised boss to high heaven. How great she is. An evening of this, in a room of many hundreds of people. 

I sat listening to this for hours, at this big event, thinking about the way I am treated and how nobody knows....  or cares... and nobody would- well, let me say, in the "big picture" of the "good" she's doing, my "little drama" with her is perceptually minuscule and inconsequential. I'd be just the little complaining, stupid speck who simply "can't deal with a tough boss." (btw, I despise that term "tough boss" as I've had it used to minimize/discount/gaslight me in the face of discrimination and abuse) -

so it's deflating. I mean, these were big leaders. Not just of organizations. I don't want to say more. 

I am nothing

and treated as stupid nothing, and it doesn't matter

I'd been considering making a complaint to the HQ about her, but...   in my experience those things always backfire anyway. 

In the face of so many and such high-level praise she's never going to believe my voice or my truth, either, even if I ever had the guts or the anger to empower telling her what she truly is.

There's no doubt her behavior is utterly inappropriate, unprofessional, disrespectful, harmful and damaging and just wrong.

but I'm nothing

I'm sick of being her verbal punching bag and the outlet for her frustration and chaotic inner life

I'm sick of being that for, it seems, everybody

(And it's not because I do things to invite it, it's just that I'm unavoidable targeted)

I'm just..... I don't even know

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

....and now the HQ HR has emailed demanding that a"goal plan" be entered into our payroll system by Monday after next, ostensibly because that's how performance reviews are done.

Many issues with this for me:

1. No way in heck I could set or fulfill "goals" with this abuser

2.  The very topic is extremely triggering for me as these have been used to terrorize me in the past

3. Besides which, if I'd WANTED the kind of job with "goals" I'd be at a much higher level...I purposely seek jobs WITHOUT that kind of crap. I find they go against my soul, anyway. And I just can't. Just cannot. And I have purposely AVOIDED even *applying* for anything that lists that kind of crap in the job description.

4. They're truly not even APPLICABLE in this type of position, so at best it's a charade and at worst an impossible, degrading or ..I can't explain...frightening and pointless extreme source of stress.

5. Forgot there are"evaluations" coming up and no way in he!! do I want to subject myself to that process with this monster. Especially she's already made it clear she sees me as a piece of sh!t.  It's already absolutely terrifying for me, but add in a dynamic like this, and it's not tolerable to me.

 

So.... Fck. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

I don't think anything feels ickier than watching an abuser in public. The contrast between who they are when no one is looking and who they are in front of a crowd is so icky, it's repulsive, and the rewards they get for being abusive give a whole new meaning to disgusting. I remember feeling this way so much with BS Roboto. Sitting in a pew in a church with him as he smiled his charming smile, bent over backward to love and help everyone, and projected this image of humble goodness. I couldn't do it anymore after a while. It was too painful--that contrast. So diminishing and soul-crushing to my own experience of what he put me through, and my children. I can only imagine that being around Bossmosis while all of this was going on felt similar--and my heart hurts thinking of that. How no one ever sees what goes on behind the scenes, or the tirade she just exploded into only a day or so before. The targeting, diminishing, and abuse that she's shamelessly used. It's disgusting, really, how she can be doused with praise for being such a monster.

Does she have any influence over the HQ HR and how they evaluate? It just sounds like a setup she would create. Even if she's not involved with the goal plans, it would feel terribly unsettling leading up to a performance review. Totally stressful because, with her, it's way too much power to place a person in a corner and tell them all of the things they do wrong. She is the LAST person who should be doing that because she's effing dangerous.

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

She would do the"goals" and the evaluations. But I don't want to step into any of that. HR doesn't do them, they just sent the notice that I need to do enter them into the system and if there haven't been any set, need to "sit down w/boss" and make them" - which to me, I despise and am terrified and absolutely cannot deal with AND I don't even think they are even*appropriate* for this kind of position, but I know from experience that that argument would not matter, that it would just paint me as"difficult" and"stupid" because after all (workworld says) how can you be evaluated if there are no "goals" to evaluate against? All I can think is it worked just fine somehow in the world before everything was about "goals." It's so stupid and false and feels like horrible inescapable degrading nonsensical prison to me. Feelings I can't explain. Just horror.

"Repulsive" was  a good word for it, btw

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

It's done. I'm out. Not by my choice. Preventing me from having my empowered moment. Making me even more into the little piece of sh!t you insist I am.

And how DARE you, how DARE you abuse me and then accuse me of being inadequate, make false accusations, false statements, for not being able to do the impossible! YOU WERE IMPOSSIBLE.

And I say "You" in case you are reading this, or have somehow come across this, because your timing is very suspicious! And I will not be silenced out of fear from you.

And how are you USE me and run me ragged for the event and THEN do the deed. Eff you. Eff you to h#ll.

YOU are the problem. YOU need mental help! YOU don't even make sense. You are unable to communicate, and then blame others for your lack. YOU are unable to be patient or treat others as adult, then you blame them for it. And as for your nonsensical communications? I'm not the only one who knows this!!! YOU DON'T MAKE SENSE. Your expectations that people can somehow read your mind and magically know things are outrageous! Your abuse is out-of-bounds outrageous! YOU are preaching a cause YOU DON'T FOLLOW. HYPOCRITE! YOU ARE WORSE THAN HYPOCRITE BECAUSE YOU DAMAGE PEOPLE WHILE YOU PREACH AGAINST - AND WHILE YOU REPRESENT THE FIGHT AGAINST - THE VERY BEHAVIORS YOU ENACT.

Eff you to h#ll, you and all the others like you. 

 

(It's really difficult not to feel like you truly must be the piece of sh!t that others keep telling you that you are - even though it wouldn't make sense, because there are so many others who are much "worse" and they get by without being abused and abused and abused - but it's just really hard not to feel like maybe they are all correct and you are the 4sshole and you are the worthless stupid idiot piece of crap, when this kind of thing keeps repeating and repeating and repeating...)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

As if she hadn't already done enough damage--then this? :(

Of course, now I think of it, it's her protocol to dismiss and discard those who tell her the truth.

Never learning, never getting it, never seeing what she did.

Eff her.

I'm so sorry. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Projection.... I know... but it still sucks.   And to be insulted and accused is really eff'd up. I could not resolve the mess inside her own head for her - therefore, *I* was the problem.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

It was a horrible, horrible thing she did, and the last of a large accumulation of wrongs she inflicted on you. Not allowing you to voice your side of things, victim-blaming, and yes, the projection that is signature of her character--these are sadly the kind of things people in her orbit are forced to experience and deny on some level, in order to even survive around her.

She is really that bad, that she crushes other people's souls in order to ignore her own incompetencies. It must make her feel some sinister swell of narc supply to put people down, then discard them, rather than to see the truth about herself. She is disgusting.

I think her goal was to make you question yourself rather than her. It's that gaslighting effect that abusers enjoy inflicting on their targets (eff them). Feed enough lies to the target, use the smoke and mirrors to stun them, and they will begin to believe that it really is their fault and not the abuser. I think these sort of people are masterminds at manipulation because the use all of their energy and resources to cover up the truth about themselves and feed it to others in the form of smear campaigns against someone else. They also love to have people on their side. And it's definitely the narcissistic way to never be able to accept that anything is wrong with them--it's always someone else. Then weep and wail and gnash their teeth at anyone who dares reflect their ugliness back at them (like the queen in Snow White and her mirror). 

I say this all, but I know you are deeply aware and insightful about the psychology behind the abuser. And knowing that she is abusive doesn't take away the large wake of hurt and accusations she left behind for you to clean up. Or make your next steps any easier. Or take away the sting of what she's put you through. Or clear up any residual doubts that she's planted in you. 

It's all unfair, and a result of a narcissist who was too weak and self-interested to handle the truth about herself.

(((Quaddie)))

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie
38 minutes ago, whitebutterfly11 said:

I say this all, but I know you are deeply aware and insightful about the psychology behind the abuser. And knowing that she is abusive doesn't take away the large wake of hurt and accusations she left behind for you to clean up. Or make your next steps any easier. Or take away the sting of what she's put you through. Or clear up any residual doubts that she's planted in you. 

It's all unfair, and a result of a narcissist who was too weak and self-interested to handle the truth about herself.

(((Quaddie)))

 

:'-(

exactly - thank you

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

I have a possible theory that even SHE sensed she had gone way too far with the rampant abuse last week, and so took this action in order to prevent me from complaining about her to the powers-that-be. 

Well, I still can...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
whitebutterfly11

Yes, it makes perfect sense. You were reflecting the truth to her, and she couldn't handle it other than to rage and then cover up her tracks by taking this action against you. 

She's really really disgusting.

If there's a way to voice this atrocity to the powers-that-be, I would definitely attempt it. There's so much injustice to this whole situation. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
Sign in to follow this  

×