Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • vpc

      Our Place Has Moved   09/30/2018

      Our Place has moved to a new location:      http://ourplaceonline.freeforums.net/forum  You will need to reregister at the new site as we are unable to transfer any content from here to there.   You will no longer be able to post here after 4th October, but the forum will remain visible until the end of October. If you are having problems registering at the new site, please admin.our.place@gmail.com                                                                                             
JamesF

Aftermath

Recommended Posts

JamesF

I very recently got out of a bad relationship but am starting to feel some effects. I feel very lonely in the world. I go to the grocery store and can't make the easiest decisions. I'm alone at home, and while it's good that it's quiet and calm, I feel sad because I'm used to other people being around. I've started going to the gym again which helps. I have not heard from her since she left which is good but causes anxiety since she still has items there that she is likely to come grab at any time. I will be changing the locks but don't feel right doing so until her stuff is all gone. Tomorrow might be a better day, but today I just feel sad.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

First off, can you box up and ship her remaining items to her? Or take them somewhere else to store until she picks them up? It's not right to have to live with the spectre of she might pop in at any time. Also, I'd advise going ahead and changing the locks. Generally it's not good to trust someone else alone with your stuff, especially as she has already shown disregard for your finances.

There's a bit of a "detox" that goes on after the relationship ends... the quiet feels like a vacuum, the lack of drama feels weird. Going to the gym is a really good idea - are there any other interests you can pick up - or revive if she didn't like that you did them? Not with the intent of meeting another gal but just to help yourself feel more grounded and less adrift.

Decisions are a funny thing. I think what you're experiencing is normal. Decisions are an entire topic unto themselves from having been in an abusive relationship. Because there was always alllllllllll this stuff to juggle in one's head, when trying to make any decision, when you're in an abusive relationship. The autonomy takes a lot of getting-used-to, and also it takes a while to clear out the "voices" of the partner's opinions in one's head. I can totally relate to feeling overwhelmed at making any decision. Of standing there not knowing what to do.

Try not to give up, in those circumstances. Maybe try thinking of one thing you can decide.  Maybe try to think, "What do I want?"  That may seem like a weird thing to have to consciously ask the self, but it's pretty normal when coming out of abuse to have to make a point of checking in with yourself and consciously thinking about what you want. If you still can't decide, try narrowing it down. Realize there is no pressure. Nobody is going to criticize you if you make no decisions at all and just leave. It's entirely up to you. What do you feel like eating? If all you want is frozen pretzels, then run with that. Maybe get some cheese dip for them. A pizza. It's okay to make a decision, or not make a decision. Tell yourself it's okay and that you understand if you can't decide right now. Be kind to yourself. As long as you are eating something with some sort of nutritional value. ;) The rest will come in time.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

There is definitely a detox period when they first go and take their drama with them. We are not used to peace and quiet. It is SO quiet it hurts! But each day will be a teeny bit better and better until you begin to like being alone. 

Lemme tell you my $100 cure for the eerie  quiet. A really nice Bluetooth speaker. I play music, you tube videos or audio books all the time when I'm home. That way there is some noise to break that horrible silence. 

Lonliness sucks but so does abuse. I still get lonely 1+ years later but I feel that abuse feels worse than lonliness. You won't feel great right away. Hang in there and work through it. Close all the doors and have a good cry or scream or or punch stuff or whatever helps you release the pain. I journal. Find your thing. 

Divorce is liken to a death. You will grieve. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Many of us have too so we understand.

There is a cool song title called  "I'm a widow of a living man." That's what it is except swap genders.

The grocery store is normal. I can never concentrate in a grocery store. I make a list. I have a pen and pad on the fridge and all week I jot things down as they run out. Without the list I'm a big hot mess in the store. That may or may not be related to your loss. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

Each day it gets a little easier to deal with the quiet. I've had a few talks with God and cried out to him and cried a couple of times which helps me. I think making a list to bring to the grocery store will help. Now that I'm out of it I'm noticing some of her negative thoughts and ways have been driven into my head, so when they pop up right now very often I immediately counter with a positive. It seems to help a lot, and I know in time they will be gone. I love being out in nature and have already been to two parks near me. I was alone, no drama, no worries, just me God and nature. It really put me at peace, but that was before she left. I'm one of those that likes to go on adventures and travel sometimes to just explore this beautiful world. 

Yes I could put it in storage but I'm afraid to. I know she will be upset and at this point I've been made to avoid any drama with her. She has not tried to Hoover or send anyone to get me to change my mind, so I'd be breaking the silence. No contact is wonderful.  I plan to give a time limit then change the locks. You're right I'm uneasy at work not knowing when or if she will show. I bought a WiFi security camera to put so I'll see when she comes. 

Is it normal to crave affection but know it's far too soon? I find myself trying to feel a void I guess from being used to having someone even if they're not a kind or good person. Not saying I want her back. I don't like being alone which leads me to settle. I know it's very early for this but I can't help it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

I think it's normal to crave affection, but you're right to be wary, it's going to take some time to heal and if you get into anything it's not a healthy time for you to do so. It's best to take a long break and just work on your own self- work on learning what caused you to get into this, on boundaries, on everything "healthy" so that you can set yourself up for success in the future.

It's good that she's not trying to get you back, but keep in mind that hoovers come in many forms. They're not always outward attempts to get you back. Sometimes they're what seems like the opposite of that. Also, her NOT trying to get her stuff back...    she could drag that on and on forever, and she's still controlling you by doing that. She still has a connection, an "in" with you, so to speak. And you still have to fear her presence, she may drop in at any time, it makes you uneasy. You need closure and it's your right. I think it's a good idea that you'll give her a deadline by which to get her things and you'll change the locks or else you will put them in a storage locker and send her the key combo. 

It's good that you're identifying her voice in your head and learning to counteract it. The quiet of peace is so nice, isn't it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Confused714

You could put her stuff in a storage locker and give her the combo for it. Text her the info and then block her so she doesn't have contact with you. Just an idea. I can't go completely non contact when I leave as we have a young son so it's hard. When I was with someone in my early 20's that was extremely abusive I did go no contact. He threatened to kill me on the phone if I ever cheated on him( I never did but he always thought I was). I just never went back or talked to him again. It's crazy how I am past that and never think about it but a few years ago he tried to add me on Facebook and it it caused my stomach to drop just seeing his name. I couldn't imagine having to come face to face with him or having him possibly walk into my house. My current situation is a bit different and I will have to communicate with him and see him unfortunately but he has also never threatened to kill me. 

I hope you continue to heal. I think it's normal to crave affection as well. I do already and I am not even gone. I am just not getting what I want and need now. I do know once I get the courage to walk away I have a lot of self healing to do before I try again because I don't want to end up in a situation like this again. I am just going to take care of me (and my son of course) for awhile. Good luck. I hope things keep getting better for you. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bennu

I craved affection but I got it from my kids. I had  no desire for affection from some strange man. It might have been different if I had had some close male friend, but my ex had rid me of those long ago. 

I have a divorced male friend who went through a series of women due to his intense loneliness and it didn't really help.

I guess each of us deals with our problems in our own ways.

Use protection!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

All I wanted was NSA affection at that time. ;)  I might not be typical, however. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF
13 hours ago, Quaddie said:

All I wanted was NSA affection at that time. ;)  I might not be typical, however. 

Yes I'm in no position to get more than nsa affection. 

The reason I feel like I'm wanting affection is for the last part... 8 months of our marriage we barely even kissed much less anything more. It sounds weird from a man but when someone downs you it doesn't exactly make you want to show any affection. 

 

I feel like right now is a time to rediscover who I am. I've started that process and found some new interest. I went and got a pedicure last weekend for the first time and it was awesome. I've heard it's important to treat yourself with extra love and gentleness. 

 

I'm in a much better place today than I was last week so I can only imagine as the months go by how I'll feel. And yes I plan to use protection when that time comes.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

Yes, it is important to treat yourself extra kindly. A pedi is a great idea!

For women, I think it's easier than for a man to find willing partners who don't want strings. You'd have to be very careful in many ways to avoid emotionally harming or making a woman feel "used." 

Maybe (legit) massages in the meantime could help your need for affection and physical touch. Since you're on the spa route and everything... ;)  

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

Now i see why you all warned me of anything beyond nsa. I had been getting to know someone and it was just too soon. I ruined it because it was too soon and I pushed them away. I feel sad all over again from it and don't know what to do with myself. I feel lonely and I don't do well with being alone.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

It's okay, you learned from it. 

Maybe find an activity meetup or club, something you might like to learn to do? Or a sport?

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bennu
15 hours ago, JamesF said:

 I feel lonely and I don't do well with being alone.

I'm sorry and I can relate. Learning how to be alone is really important to avoid being victimized again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

There's a certain amount of "emptiness" after getting out of an abusive relationship that can be due to the fact that navigating the abuse previously "filled up" one's head and life, so it creates a sort of vacuum where it once was.

The answer to filling that vacuum, however, is not in another relationship - it's learning and growing to fill oneself.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

Try non-romantic options. I joined some hiking clubs, do some water sports, and joined a new church that had more activities for me to join in. I did a couple Meetup too; dinner, trivia night, etc. Some things are hard to do alone or sad to do alone but I get out of the house and go anyway. In time it gets easier, 

You might get a lot from a divorce recovery group at a church. I would even choose another church besides your own where you don't know anyone. I did it twice and it helped with that year of "firsts." 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

The problem is right now I have zero motivation to do much of anything. I'm able to go to the store and all but it's when I get back home to an empty house with 2 cats that I feel anxiety and loneliness. I wake up to go to work and want to just crawl back into bed. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

That's kind of normal, too. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

You have depression. A "new woman" can't cure your depression. That's a bandaid solution and will just be temporary. That's not much different than someone who turns to drugs and alcohol to numb their pain. 

An empty house sucks! I know first hand. I fought for my dog and lost, so at least you got cats. I lost my young adult son (he's alive but chose to live with his dad), my house and all my pets. It was a horrific blow.  My rental house had issues and I felt SO lonely and beaten down and didn't like my house  

Honestly, for me music makes a huge difference. The house seeems lonely because it is so eerily quiet. I had a family! That was noisy. I had drama. That was noisy too. And now I was in this new house that doesn't feel like home, all alone and it was creepy and too quiet. I got a Bluetooth speaker; a NICE one; and I play it the min I get up and all day til I go to bed and it helps a lot. I listen to books, YouTube and potcasts too. It's different than TV cause you can do things while it plays. I even find some song lyrics to be therapeutic. 

I highly recommend you join a gym or some other physical activity you enjoy. That will keep you busy and might be a place to make new friends. And it might help bust through that depression because exercise produces many feel good hormones that you need right now. 

Religious speak to follow:

After about a year of loneliness and I suffered through it, I know this was of God, he sent me a roommate. I wasn't looking for a roommate, she just kinda fell in my lap. And guess what, she has a dog. Now my house is bustling and feels like a home again and we get along really really well. It's been a long road. She's not my son and it's not my dog, but it's much better than the previous year. I think I needed to work through my pain first. I think God was teaching me to lean on Him and depend on him. Don't forget that part. And He didn't send me a new hot guy. He sent me a young lady who is happy and bubbly and asks how my day is. I needed that! After all the crap I went through in my marriage, it's reassuring to know it wasn't me. I can share a house peacefully with another person. We can work out issues calmly and maturely. You never know what God is up to. He has surprised me over and over. Lean into him during this really difficult phase and KNOW that he will hear you and help you. I told you my story so you could see what He did for me. It was unexpected and funny, really. He's got your back! He really does.

And guys hate this but Therapy helped me a LOT! Consider it. Guys tend to stuff emotions in, and emotions stuffed in causes depression. Get that goo out. It's gotta go. 

I'm sorry this phase sucks. It just does. Many of us have been there too. But get your machete out and hack your way through it. Don't lay down and let the weeds take over. 

You got this!!! 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF
7 hours ago, AZ-home said:

You have depression. A "new woman" can't cure your depression. That's a bandaid solution and will just be temporary. That's not much different than someone who turns to drugs and alcohol to numb their pain. 

An empty house sucks! I know first hand. I fought for my dog and lost, so at least you got cats. I lost my young adult son (he's alive but chose to live with his dad), my house and all my pets. It was a horrific blow.  My rental house had issues and I felt SO lonely and beaten down and didn't like my house  

Honestly, for me music makes a huge difference. The house seeems lonely because it is so eerily quiet. I had a family! That was noisy. I had drama. That was noisy too. And now I was in this new house that doesn't feel like home, all alone and it was creepy and too quiet. I got a Bluetooth speaker; a NICE one; and I play it the min I get up and all day til I go to bed and it helps a lot. I listen to books, YouTube and potcasts too. It's different than TV cause you can do things while it plays. I even find some song lyrics to be therapeutic. 

I highly recommend you join a gym or some other physical activity you enjoy. That will keep you busy and might be a place to make new friends. And it might help bust through that depression because exercise produces many feel good hormones that you need right now. 

Religious speak to follow:

After about a year of loneliness and I suffered through it, I know this was of God, he sent me a roommate. I wasn't looking for a roommate, she just kinda fell in my lap. And guess what, she has a dog. Now my house is bustling and feels like a home again and we get along really really well. It's been a long road. She's not my son and it's not my dog, but it's much better than the previous year. I think I needed to work through my pain first. I think God was teaching me to lean on Him and depend on him. Don't forget that part. And He didn't send me a new hot guy. He sent me a young lady who is happy and bubbly and asks how my day is. I needed that! After all the crap I went through in my marriage, it's reassuring to know it wasn't me. I can share a house peacefully with another person. We can work out issues calmly and maturely. You never know what God is up to. He has surprised me over and over. Lean into him during this really difficult phase and KNOW that he will hear you and help you. I told you my story so you could see what He did for me. It was unexpected and funny, really. He's got your back! He really does.

And guys hate this but Therapy helped me a LOT! Consider it. Guys tend to stuff emotions in, and emotions stuffed in causes depression. Get that goo out. It's gotta go. 

I'm sorry this phase sucks. It just does. Many of us have been there too. But get your machete out and hack your way through it. Don't lay down and let the weeds take over. 

You got this!!! 

I actually called and setup an appointment with a different therapist last week and went to the first session. I'm not a guy that holds emotions in, I'm not afraid to express myself and actually find it helps to talk it out with someone.

I know God always is there and has my back and I've been talking to him a lot these last few days. You're right, I do know he hears and helps. He has shown me over and over again. I don't like feeling like this and I feel like he sees it as a slap in the face so I've told him sorry many times. I love music, certain songs get to me so these last few days I've pretty much avoided music. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

Last night I was watching church on my phone and pastor said "Isolation is what the advisory wants so he can get to you. You must find a way to connect with others"

 

It sounds obvious but I needed to hear that. Isolating myself at home is the same thing my ex did and it just made an already bad situation worse. I'm going to try my best to hit the gym and try and find some type of group or something to be part of.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Bennu
5 hours ago, JamesF said:

Last night I was watching church on my phone and pastor said "Isolation is what the advisory wants so he can get to you. You must find a way to connect with others"

 

It sounds obvious but I needed to hear that. Isolating myself at home is the same thing my ex did and it just made an already bad situation worse. I'm going to try my best to hit the gym and try and find some type of group or something to be part of.

Good for you!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

Nighttime is the worst for my loneliness. All of my circle say learn to be single and focus on yourself, but man is that tough. I'll have a day or so I'm ok then boom I get down and sad again. There are no support groups around me to go to. I'm not sure if the holiday season will be easy or hard I just want to feel like myself again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
AZ-home

If you call around or search the websites of the bigger churches in your area, I bet you can find a divorce support group. They don't care that you don't go to church there,  they do it for the community. 

They helped me with the holidays. Here's what I learned and what worked for me. They recommended "all new traditions."' I took it a step further and I got the heck outa dodge. I took a trip  before Christmas.  Returned and spent Christmas with my Family.  Then left town and took another trip. Not being home helped it not feel like Christmas. I didn't decorate or put up a tree,  and my travels took me to warm climates where it didn't feel like winter and Christmas. It worked. Warm sun and vitamin D and good friends helped make Christmas very doable. Christmas felt like 2 days and was quick.  I might do it again this year and that be my new tradition. I don't think I can do 2 trips. $$$. Maybe just the post Christmas one. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quaddie

What about a pet?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JamesF

I found a church that has a divorce recovery program and am looking into it. I went to church Wednesday night where we used to go and several people went out of there way to say we all love you and you belong here, don't worry about it come and rest. It was pretty awesome to hear and it really helped. 

I began writing down red flags that I can remember that I just chose to overlook so next time I'll notice. Journalling helps me get my thoughts out so they don't just stew. 

 

Quaddie I have 2 cats one male one female (they're a couple) so it does help as both sleep next to me every night.

I'm considering a dog but they might not like that much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

×