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Confused714

Honeymoon time- Good times

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Confused714

Why do the good times trick us so much?  Things were getting pretty bad and then he had a huge explosive episode a few weeks ago. Then he found out I was actually considering leaving ( I don't think he ever thought this was a possibility before). I did say I'd give him one more chance although I am still preparing just to be ready. He has done and said a few things since then but nothing to the extent he usually does. He has also been oddly calm this weekend and nicer than normal. Why does it throw me off so much?  Starts making me doubt myself. Like I am sure he will go back to his normal self but then when he is like this I start to think maybe he won't. Or this is the man I fell in the love with. Why does it confuse us so much?  

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Fluffyflea

Because we want the person we fell in love with to come back and they know that so they become that person to hook us back in.

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Melinoe

Something to keep in mind during these seemingly confusing moments: 

This IS the person you fell in love with. This whole time, he has been showing himself as exactly who he really is. You are accurately perceiving reality right now.

His "bad side" where things seem to be so much worse? That is ALSO him being the person you fell in love with. Both parts. 

This is the kind of person he is. He is trying to make you doubt the validity of the truth that is right in front of you, as though this is some kind of one-time anomaly that will blow over. But this is all part of a huge pattern. 

He is an abusive man with two modes: scary manipulation, and confusing manipulation.

This "nice side" is not some kind of alternate version of himself, some "real him" that he needs help with to bring out as his full-time personality. And, if you look at it objectively, this "good guy" act is still not a genuinely caring, decent person! It only SEEMS better in comparison to the rages and explosions. But what is happening now is not actually an improvement. It may feel like it is, but it is actually incredibly gross and twisted. 

All these parts of him that you are experiencing are who he is - the entire life cycle of seeming to be a stand-up guy for years, then worsening cruelty, explosions, false calm and confusion, rising anger, and more explosions. 

Everything that is happening now, and everything that has happened, is who he is.

This is what your life will consist of, over and over, forever, living with him. In one way or another, this will be your every day reality with him.

Because this is who he is.

If this was NOT who he really was, then you would not be here talking to us right now. Your life would be completely different. There would be no need for you to agonize over wondering who the man you married "really is". 

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Quaddie

And trauma bonding makes the "good parts" feel like such a huge relief and "safety" that the being relaxes into it. It feels comfortable and "like home." It feels "right" because that's what you're accustomed to. And it's what you want to experience... so giving you what you want is manipulation, designed to make you stay.

 

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Fluffyflea

Yes I agree with everything said and it's also been my experience too.

And another thing they also will withhold things from you too which is designed to make you stay, like the silent treatment, lack of affection,money anything those Minds can come up with.

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whitebutterfly11

It's the most confusing thing to sort through the good vs. bad within the abuser.

Remember that the good doesn't negate the bad. In fact, we can call it all abuse, and what feels good is part of the hoover of the abuse and what feels bad is the infliction of the abuse. Really, they are the same.

It takes time to really internalize it, though. We really want them to be who they are when they are sorry, sweet, kind, apologetic. But a person cannot be "good" whenever he can flip a switch and abuse. That's when you see who he really is and that is the person to think of when he starts getting all nicey-nice.

It kind of feels like an abuser takes your brain, mixes up pieces of it, squishes it back together, inserts it back into our heads, then challenges us to try and figure out what happened. Assuming you never would. Your power comes from recognizing that he does this, purposely, and putting those pieces together little by little. 

(Sorry, might have been a bad analogy!)

(((HUGS)))

 

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Quaddie

No, it's a very good analogy! (I wish you'd try to stop putting down your thoughts, k? ;) )

I actually have experienced this in the workplace. A boss I just left, you could see the look in her eye when she was honing in on an internal spot she could mess with and manipulate. She'd kind of squint her eyes and get a look of almost malevolent pleasure from it. Like, "Ah-hah! NOW I've got you, heh heh heh...."   (I'd asked a co-worker and she'd noticed it, too.)  

Usually when I'd bring, for example, a personnel issue to her and she'd first play like she was being all nice and understanding and want to fix it and care about the team and blahblahblah. 

Then she'd bring someone else into the convo - she'd hone in on something you said that gave her clues as to how to really turn it into being all your fault - and she'd turn on a dime, it'd turn into something else entirely, blame-shifting and kitchen-sinking and all kinds of Effing with your head, and you'd end up with things all messed up in your head not really knowing what just happened.  When you'd done nothing wrong at all.

Because on the surface it seemed like everything was better, and at first you'd feel like something productive occurred. Then you'd be, say, driving home and stuff would begin to hit you...   and hours, days, months later...  or wake up in the middle of the night with it churning helplessly in your head. 

But hey, everything was resolved and we're all one big happy family now! Right? Now that you've been put back in your place and scrambled and scapegoated, that is...

Yeah.......  

It's basically the same thing that happens in counseling with an abuser, too. So never do that.

 

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Fluffyflea

Even when they are nice it's still part of the abuse process.

With my ex it was like he was playing a card game, he store up information about my likes and dislikes and when it suited him in some manipulation he'd use some of that information in such a way to manipulate a situation, whether it was to be mean or be nice it was always a manipulation. Nothing was sincere or real.

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Kanga

Yes it's like a card game. That analogy really resonates. I wonder why my x can't realise I don't care. I'm not playing. Its all time wasting and ffing no fun. Let's pack up and go home - separately of course. 

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