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hoping

Tension

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hoping

Yesterday I finally told my h I don't want to have sex anymore and that it's because I'm not happy with our marriage. He said he wasn't going to do without and it wouldn't be by himself. I told him I understand but wait until I find a place to live. It hurt and I cried and prayed for me, him and our granddaughter. I don't wish him bad will. I want the best for all of us. I hope it doesn't hurt my granddaughter. We see her every week. One reason I didn't want to tell him no more sex is I wanted to be prepared to leave. I'm not financially ready but am working on it. I also didn't want to feel the tension between me and him. He has been sad and quiet.  I don't like to see him hurting but that happens sometimes when we choose to do what we want instead of what they want.

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Bennu

(((hugs))) Sex with someone who treats you badly is dehumanizing. 

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Kanga

That would have taken a lot of courage for you to say it to him. Both of you knew you didn't want to have sex with him anymore. Now you have openly said it and given the honest reason. Deliberately moving out of denial is so so scary and incredibly difficult. It's a big shift and brand new. Perhaps there is some relief mixed with uncertainty?

From your post it sounds like he did not respond aggressively. He suggested he will look for a new partner?

 

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Quaddie

Wow, Hoping, that's really a big deal! I think you should feel proud of yourself. It's really awful to submit to sex when you don't want to. You did the right thing in honoring yourself.

I know you said you don't like to see him hurting, but really, he brought all this on himself. He objectified you and used you as a sex object. That's really so far from being okay that I don't have words to explain. If he hurts because of that? I can't feel bad for him. His blow-up doll doesn't want to do that anymore. Good for you! He does not have rights to your body. Repeat, he does not - did not - never did have rights to your body. His "hurt" is just his little-boy tantrum for taking away his blow-up doll.

No mature respectful caring adult would want to force someone to have sex with them, who doesn't want it. He showed his true colors by saying he wouldn't do without.

All that being said - HOWEVER.

Be aware that what he said might have been a hoover. By "threatening" you that he wouldn't do without, he may be trying to control and manipulate you back into the relationship with him. He may feel that you'd be so afraid to be on your own and do without him, that you will "fall back into line" again.  

His "sad and quiet" - is him pouting. You took away his dolly. Awww poor him.

Don't fall for it. You deserve better. Your body is your own!!! YOUR OWN.

((((HOPING)))) Big hugs for you!!!!!!

 

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Melinoe

Wow Hoping, good for you, that is so incredibly courageous of you to do, I can't imagine how hard it was to tell him that! 

I think his reaction shows a lot about his character - instead of being concerned that you feel so unloved and unsafe around him that you don't want to be intimate, he immediately turns to threats of infidelity and feeling sorry for himself. That's so telling right there. He really is choosing to hurt himself over this - the healthy and simple solution would be to not be abusive and manipulative about it. His sense of control and entitlement is what's causing him the hurt, and it's something he chooses for himself over and over. So try not to fret too much about him being sad - these are the consequences of his own choices.

Quaddie is absolutely right in that he has no rights over your body ever, it is yours and yours alone!

 

Hugs to you, and a high five :) 

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hoping

Bennu  I started feeling like I was being used and the thought of being together disgusted me. I can sit and talk to him like I would someone else but that is too intimate for me.

Kanga  No, he didn't respond aggressively. I'm glad for that. Yes, I do feel a lot of relief but I am also nervous about leaving.

Quaddie  I am proud of myself but I am also thankful for all of you that have helped me on this site and the people I know in person that have listened and prayed for me. I have wondered if he was hoovering or really meant it. Thanks for the hugs

Melonie

7 hours ago, Melinoe said:

I think his reaction shows a lot about his character - instead of being concerned that you feel so unloved and unsafe around him that you don't want to be intimate, he immediately turns to threats of infidelity and feeling sorry for himself.

This really bothered me too. I can't say I was surprised though. He has done this before. Thanks for the hugs

 

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hoping

I may delete some or all of this later. I hurt my foot and was in a lot of pain, couldn't hardly walk or do for myself. He cooked for me and went to the store for me. He has always been good about doing these things when needed. I started feeling better and he ask me if I was ever going to be with him again. I told him that he had been mean to me for a long time and was doing better, but not good enough. I told him that I don't feel like being that close to someone that I am angry with all of the time. I told him I no longer want to be intimate for the fun of it, to me it is now an emotional thing. He said that I was being mean to him for using intimacy against him, I told him no I wasn't. I told him I didn't want to be intimate with someone that I was angry at and I ask him if he would.  He said he didn't feel the same way that he could be intimate if he was happy with me or angry with me, it didn't stop him from wanting to be with me. I told him that when he joked a few days ago that he was criticizing me and that was mean. He said he wasn't criticizing me. He said he didn't know if he was capable of understanding how I feel. He ask me to tell him if he said things to hurt my feelings. I told him no, I wasn't going to and it was simple, just don't joke about me, criticize me,  cut me down, treat me like a kid or boss me around. He said he would try harder but it would help if I would be intimate with him, that would help him to not be angry at me and that would help persuade him to treat me better. I told him I would have to think about it and I wasn't going to promise him anything. He told me earlier that he wasn't trying to talk me into being intimate but hours later after we talked he ask me if I had thought about it. I said, " No, I haven't thought about it, and I'm not going to be intimate at this time. 

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hoping

I had a friend over and she was talking about how her mower wasn't working. He told her that our neighbor who was elderly mowed her own lawn and that I wouldn't help him. 

This is what I got angry about and told him that he was criticizing me. He said he wasn't, that he said that because he thought she wanted him to repair her lawn mower and that was a way of telling her he was too busy, since I didn't help him. I told him to find a new way to tell people that he doesn't  want to help them. That's when he said he didn't understand why I thought he was criticizing him because he had already told me that he didn't want me to mow the lawn. I told him to tell them that he understood but he didn't like to repair his own mower if that was the truth. I'm not sure I heard him right, but I think he said he didn't mind lying. If he didn't mind lying, then why didn't he wait until she ask him and then lie to her and make up an excuse? Did I hear him right? I think he said this once before about lying, but the thing is I don't think he lies a lot to people. I have heard him talk business and to friends and he doesn't seem to want to lie. This doesn't make sense to me. I know he must have said that. ???

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Quaddie

You're right, he doesn't have to use it as an opportunity to put you down (imply you are lazy/not helping him).

He probably said that. They sometimes don't seem to make logical sense.

You've seen expressed directly that he doesn't have the capacity for empathy or to even bother trying to understand or respect your perspective. And ugh!!! trying to wheedle you into having sex by saying that if you had sex with him, it would help him not cut you down??? What a total huge gigantic TON of B.S.!!!!  This is manipulation at its most egregious. And it's disgusting. 

Quote

He ask me to tell him if he said things to hurt my feelings. I told him no, I wasn't going to and it was simple, just don't joke about me, criticize me,  cut me down, treat me like a kid or boss me around. 

 Applause!!! :clap::clap::clap:  Excellent response!!!

But they still "don't understand," and STILL try to turn it around on you and make it your fault, don't they? 

Sex (giving your body intimately) is not a bargaining tool and it is not his right and it is not something he gets to demand in order to treat you with respect and kindness. That's just b.s. 

He's a piece of work. :(  I'm sorry.

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hoping

Quaddie

14 hours ago, Quaddie said:

But they still "don't understand," and STILL try to turn it around on you and make it your fault, don't they? 

Yes, they do. He has been telling me how difficult I am to live with.  He did say again that he has been mean to me and that he knows he is difficult to live with. He jokingly said, "that's why we make a good team." Arrrr feeling frustrated. I'm still planning to leave, I'm just not happy.

 

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Quaddie

Wow, he totally doesn't "get it." "That's why we make a good team?" Because he's difficult - but you? You're a good "team member" because why, because you're just supposed to sit there and take it? Absorb all his cr@p? Things like that make me angry on your behalf. That shows so clearly how he sees you, what he views your role in the relationship as. It's pretty negating. A "good team," my @ssss. 

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percolate
14 hours ago, hoping said:

 I'm still planning to leave, I'm just not happy.

 

 

That's sufficient justification to leave! 

You deserve happiness and don't deserve to live with someone who thinks you're difficult to live with, lazy, and expects access to your body just because you're married.

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hoping

Quaddie 

Yes, he says he doesn't think he is capable of understanding why I wouldn't want sex while I'm angry at him. He gets angry at me and doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but I started getting angry at him before he could be angry and boss me around and he would tell me to calm down and quit getting so angry. We have a friend that has been manipulating him and he is angry at her and doesn't like to be around her, but he can't seem to understand how I feel. Like I said he admits to being mean to me but I'm not quite sure what he means by that. Yesterday, I ask him if he wanted to elaborate on that. He said no. 

I don't remember him ever using the word team to describe our relationship until I told him that we were suppose to be a team. I believe that was the time I bought the furniture and he was jealous that I got a good deal, so I told him we weren't suppose to be competing, we were a team. He says we are a good team because of my faults. Mainly, I'm not strict enough on our granddaughter, I get depressed and sleep too much, which leaves him alone and to deal with our granddaughter, dishes, laundry, cooking and whatever else. I pay all of the bills and have started trying to take care of my own car problems. It is true that I still do get overwhelmed at times and sleep a lot and don't do much and he has to watch our granddaughter. I know he doesn't like to be alone for a couple of days, but I have to rest when I get like that. I feel like he is right that I do these things and they are a problem, but I don't like being abused and I'm tired of being told how bad I am, so I would rather live by myself than have an abusive husband tell me all of my faults. I don't mind someone talking to me in a kind way about my faults or shortcomings but I don't like how he tells me all of them when I try to get him to stop abusing me. I would rather someone do it slower and a little at a time. I am working on being stricter with our granddaughter and I don't mind being reminded when I fall back into the same pattern. I wonder if I wouldn't be more motivated to clean the house or cook if I wasn't with him. I think because of his control that I just don't care a lot of the time about the house and cooking. I have to get permission to spend over $10.00 on something for the house unless I spend the money I get each week. Most of that I use to eat out and put gas in my car.

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hoping

Percolate

I don't want to be with someone that thinks my faults are so bad. I would rather be by myself or with someone that doesn't think who and how I am is such a problem. I could be wrong but I think he is expecting too much from me. I feel like he is blowing what I do out of proportion. 

Also after he mentioned all of my faults, and said that he could  be nicer if I had sex with him, he also added that he wanted me to cuddle with him, rub his back and feet. So what started out as me telling him I didn't want to have sex anymore ended up him saying I was just as bad as him and that he would treat me better but I had to now do more to please him!!! :laughing2-smiley-008:

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Quaddie

Being in an unhappy or abusive relationship is depressing for anyone.

Feeling helpless or "stuck" is also depressing.

These contribute to being tired and wanting to spend time in bed and not wanting to do housework or cooking.

All that is pretty normal.

It's not a husband's job to pile on telling you about your "faults." That's just plain criticism. 

Nobody likes that, that's not a good way to treat your partner.

So the way you feel about all this, sounds pretty normal for the circumstance.

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hoping

Quaddie 

Thank you for your encouragement. Right now my biggest worry is money but I'm not going to let that stop me. The main thing I worry about is what if I don't have much money and my car tears up.

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whitebutterfly11

Hoping,

You are making incredible progress!

You are also becoming aware of just how intolerable he is, and this situation is, for you.

Consider that your depression and symptoms are in huge part related to the "toxin" his abusive self emits everyday in your home, towards you. The more exposure to his toxin, the sicker you feel. I know there are other factors at play here, but so much of how we feel mentally transcribes into the way we feel physically.

My guess is that when you are removed from him and his toxic behavior, you'll start to feel better in ways you hadn't expected. 

Also, I see huuuuuge manipulation going on with him and sex. He is getting desperate, and as such, he is trying to get you to make exceptions in order to give him what he physically wants. It's all a huge ploy, and it takes a despicable human being to continue to push you toward sex when he's being so ridiculously demeaning toward you. He is also using it as a tool to try and make you feel guilty, responsible for his needs, AND (to top it all of with a big ol' ugly cherry on top) he is telling you that he'll stop abusing you if you give him sex. Bargaining with you, as if sex is some sort of exchange for goods. Then he has the gall to equate his sexual needs with your right to be treated like a human being, as if the only way you deserve to be treated respectfully is if you give him what he wants.

Gross. He is gross.

He has proven himself incapable of any empathy, so my guess is that your conversations with him, trying to get him to see how selfish and unreasonable he has been, will only result in more selfishness and unreasonableness from him.

Hoping, you've done so much and you've endured so much. He's had so many chances to prove himself to be better than this, but he's not changing.

I'm glad that you are thinking about getting out. No matter how you decide to go about this, I think you'll find welcomed relief and safety when he's no longer there to hurt you.

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hoping

Whitebutterfly11

All of what you said sounds so correct. Thank you for validating me.

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